Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does my friend have Aspergers?

30 replies

fashioncrisis · 01/05/2011 17:45

I am so very tired emotionally.
Can someone please in a nutshell just spare me a minute or 2 to help me? For my own welfare I need to know, as I have peaked & am on the way down....
He's mid 30's, is extremely "hot & cold" with me, unpredictable with everyone, cannot express himself emotionally at all to the point of his bday card to his Mum doesn't even say 'with love', his clothing has to be meticulous, his belongings aren't to be touched by anyone & he constantly lying to my face or by text (on a daily basis) but says it's OK because it's about small things. There are just so many lies, that's what's worn me out.

I can see the good in him, he can be so gorgeous, I love him dearly but feel if he doesn't have Aspergers then he is letting himself down for no reason & that it must be me he just doesn't care about.

I am hoping that if someone tells me he is showing signs then at least I know he treats me so appallingly for a reason. If you say he is, I certainly wouldn't mention it to him at all. I would use it as a positive thing & try to learn how to communicate with him in a way we can work together with no more fighting. I don't want to lose my best friend.

OP posts:
wanttobefree · 01/05/2011 17:53

I don't think people with Aspergers usually lie..the opposite in fact

mummytime · 01/05/2011 17:59

It could be anything, but I think he's not a keeper.

Holdmyhand · 01/05/2011 18:01

How much have you read up on aspergers? Try looking at www.autism.org.uk/en-gb/about-autism/autism-and-asperger-syndrome-an-introduction/what-is-asperger-syndrome.aspx
Clothing being meticulous and belongings not to be touched could be signs but agree lying not really.
Have you spoken to anyone else who knows him well about your concerns - his mum?

Original poster
fashioncrisis · 01/05/2011 18:03

This is where it gets confusing in my head. When I asked him if he had seen a specific person "recently" he said no, but when I found out he had 2 weeks prior, he dismissed it by saying in his head it wasn't "recently".

And when I told him I saw him in an exact location working & that we could have met for a coffee & catch-up, he denied it, I accused him of lying then he explained it by saying he wasn't "working", he was just there talking about work stuff.

Everything gets twisted. I found out he is going away for a weekend (which is great for him as he's had no time off for 3 years) but when I asked him if he is going away, he said he "has no plans to"...which may be true due to the nature of his work taking priority, but to me it's a lie. Am I going wrong somewhere?

OP posts:
Original poster
fashioncrisis · 01/05/2011 18:06

We're only friends - I couldn't deal with him full-time!
It was his Mum that mentioned to me about Aspergers, yep. First time I met her was bby accident. He doesn't know. Everything in his life is comparted. Boxed separately. No 2 elements in his life ever mix.
Thankyou for the link. Will rad now.

OP posts:
JaceyBee · 01/05/2011 18:16

Hmm, so not really 'lies' as such - more like being super literal about things which does sounds more asd-ish. He does sound as though he has some traits, however adult diagnosis is virtually impossible to come by in many areas unless there are secondary mental health or legal issues. Plus, what is there really to be gained by giving him the Aspergers' label if it's not something he wants to labelled with? I do get that it might make you more tolerant of his behaviour, but it's highly unlikely you will get a straight answer either way, and certainly not from the internet. Mental health diagnoses are way more complex than ticking a checklist, although that does play a part sometimes.

Original poster
fashioncrisis · 01/05/2011 18:16

OK, thankyou, that's answered wothout doubt that question (esp pg 3) ...so next question is....how do I deal with this?

Am I best to ignore the lies & pretend I am happy to accept the BS he feeds me? Or do I carry on telling him I am unhappy he is lying which means we'll never be sorted?

So many questions in my mind.

Thanks for your posts so far.

OP posts:
Original poster
fashioncrisis · 01/05/2011 18:23

JaceyBee - Thankyou. Yes you're right in what you say about super-literal. VERY! I wouldn't label him...I'm just trying to understand how to communicate with him so that we can stop making each other unhappy.

For the last few years I have maintained that he is manipulating or twisting the truth but in his head, he blatantly isn't.

It's getting us both down...it's a friendship full of fun, love & care most of the time & I'm really missing him at the moment as he is in one of his "cold" episodes.

OP posts:
RumourOfAHurricane · 01/05/2011 18:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/05/2011 18:40

FC

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. Why are you allowing this to continue?. Some "best friend" he is - your sights are very low aren't they?.

FWIW he seems completely selfish and self absorbed. Presumably as well he treats other people in a similar manner to you.

purplepidjin · 01/05/2011 18:50

That rings bells with me for asd (5y experince working with)

If you want to maintain the friendship then you need to learn his "language" iyswim. So instead of the vague "recently" say "within the last month". Ask if he has decided to do something unusual with his time off rather than the non-specific going anywhere. In his head he will be going all sorts of places - the toilet, the shop for groceries etc.

There are some good books but I'm on my phone so can't link. If you post in sn you'll get the best suggestions.

greencaveman · 01/05/2011 18:56

Doesn't sound like Aspergers to me. I know 3 adults with it.

People with Aspergers usually find it hard to tell lies. Instinctively they will go for the truth and if they find themselves in a situation where they "need" to lie, then they will lie badly and probably feel bad about it.

Belongings being meticulous - not necessarily ASD. In fact, one person I know is the opposite. It can be associated with ASD or OCD but it doesn't have to be.

He treats you (and his mum by the sounds of it) appallingly for some other reason. It isn't ASD and I'd get rid of him.

purplepidjin · 01/05/2011 19:13

Greencaveman ime people with as don't lie as we know it - saying that they weren't at a place you'd seen them would be unthinkable. However the truth is subjective. The op's friend told the truth when he said he wasn't working in that place because he wasn't performing a work task in that place at that time. He has said he was in the place at the time, but he was talking about work not doing work. Strictly literal and most people would call it the same thing for simplicity just like any number of mini untruths we use everyday for convenience

Does any of that make sense outside my own head? If not I'll try again tomorrow when I've had some rest lol

Lizzabadger · 01/05/2011 19:34

I wouldn't bother trying to diagnose him. Instead, I think you should concentrate on whether his behaviour (irrespective of its cause) is acceptable to you in a relationship. If not, get rid.

Marien65uk · 01/05/2011 19:41

Asperger syndrome and autism are complicated conditons to live with, part of that is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, as everything has to have a place and, everything is literally speaking.
my eldest son is autistic and because of him i had meet lots of people with different types of autism and asperger syndrome, and i did work as a teaching assistant in an autistic, MLD school and this person FROM my point of view has some degree of autism or asperger syndrome.
I am not qualified to diagnose anyone but.....
bear in mind that autistic people ARE selfish and self absorbed.
Good luck.

busymummyboo · 01/05/2011 19:43

Dosne't sound like Asperger's. People on the ASD spectrum are too truthful more than anything.

He just sounds like a cock tbh. Labelling him won't help. Sadly it's reasons like this, people genuinely on the ASD spectrum get snorted at. It can be mild, but it can also be a crippling disability. You'd be suprised how many people self-diagnose to excuse bad behaviour.

So a lot of people just see others with ASD and think yerrrrrr right. It takes years as a child to get a proper diagnosis.

The labels are thrown around far too much. You can't possibly get a diagnosis of ASD on here, so an answer to, "Does my friend have Aspergers?"

Who knows.

hormonesnomore · 01/05/2011 19:44

Agree wholeheartedly with Lizzabadger.

My ex-h has Aspergers and although there are common traits, everyone is unique. He lied constantly because he thought he knew what I wanted to hear. If something was ok to him, it must have been the same to others, etc.

Your friend sounds as if he might have some traits, but are you prepared to put up with them op? That's the important thing. If he does have AS, he won't/can't change.

Original poster
fashioncrisis · 01/05/2011 21:00

Meerkat - I don't have much confidence I guess & yes, he does lie to others. I know this for a fact. Maybe I am trying to find a reason for the way he treats me?

Purple - What's SN please? Another part of MN I take it? Everything you said has made complete sense to me within this situation.

Badger - I've peaked. It's been going on for years. He's worn me out. I'm just trying to work out if there is a way to stop the fighting that his behaviour (& my lack of understanding it!) is causing.

Marien - He is THE most selfish, self-absorbed person I have ever experienced. I got no congrats off him for landing a new job, he'll text or email to start a conversation then just disappear for days without telling me the conversation is about to end. He thinks nothing of cancelling a pre-arranged night out (for a concert at £180 tickets already purchased) at 4pm that same day.

Busy Mummy - My other friends all share your opinion.

Hormones - What you have said about what he thinks he wants you to hear rings true. Very true. I have had THAT argument with him, as well as many other arguments based around that. I've tried telling him that is doing me no favours. He doesn't acknowledge it.

OP posts:
purplepidjin · 01/05/2011 21:49

Sorry, it stands for Special Needs, a bit of a catch-all term for physical, emotional and behavioural difficulties of all types (in real life as well as here)

Arguing won't work. A person with Asperger Syndrome (and other Autistic Spectrum Disorders) has no idea that other people think differently to them. So you expressing a different opinion is wiodthlgn ileskudrjkurjdxnhurzvsknldskujbhgfavlzskierkmd;zkmlxnjhgfbkj hdjrfm;oacjs in his brain.

The most common analogy is: You land on Mars. There are lots of people who look like you rushing round doing things, staring at you and making noises at you. You have no idea what the noises mean, and the staring burns your skin.

Now go and buy a pint of milk and a loaf of bread...

Marien65uk · 01/05/2011 23:04

Have you watched the big bang theory??? people think is funny try living with one person like that and all i can tell you is that is not funny at all and sovery often emotionally painfull.

busymummyboo · 01/05/2011 23:15

You know maybe he is just a cock? From what you are describing, he is just a cock.

I don't know where ASD has come from, I don't think it's relevant here either, that people should be helping you, to give him that get out of jail free card for his shitty behaviour.

It really boils my piss when I see people use the ASD label to excuse shitty behaviour, when it's just that. Then people guessing ohhhhhh it could be.

There is nothing that leaps out from your op or posts that distinguishes ASD from him being a knob basically.

Maybe he just a selfish, self absorbed man, with shitty behaviour to match. It happens, dosen't mean he has a "syndrome". Throwing labels around diminishes the meaning for those that have got a diagnosis. As people just presume you are another throwing the label around. So the bad behaviour/nappies/lack of awarness/echolalia must all be nonsense, (I wish). But Aspergers/ASD is a label people chuck around all to frequently, so genuinely Autistic people are seen as "nothing wrong, just badly behaved".

Mother of two very different ASD kids.

JessinAvalon · 01/05/2011 23:45

I had exactly the same with my ex. He eventually went to see his GP who told him she thought he had Asperger's Syndrome and referred him to a specialist (he was 34 at the time).

I read up about it a lot and found the lying (exactly as you describe above) quite difficult to reconcile to the descriptions of AS that I'd read.

In the end, I kicked my ex out. The lying was pathological. His need to control everything nearly drove me insane. He'd lie about the most pathetic things and about huge things. I phoned for him at work once and was told he was at his grandmother's funeral. He hadn't even told me she'd died.

He lied about everything and anything and made it out to be my fault.

I don't think people like this are worth our time. You end up thinking you are going mad. If the lying is that bad, it will never change.

Sorry to be so negative but I do think it's best to stay away from people who are going to be like this unless you have a familial tie to them or are responsible for their care.

You may end up needing a therapist yourself otherwise!

JessinAvalon · 01/05/2011 23:47

Oh, and when he saw the specialist, he told my ex he didn't think he had Asperger's. I suspect it was some kind of personality disorder. That seemed to explain his behaviour better.

Diggs · 02/05/2011 08:55

Op you are trying to find reasons to justify his bad behaviour towards you . You are not freinds , freinds dont argue and upset each other like this , and im wondering why youve accepted this sort of behaviour from him for so long.

Lizzabadger · 02/05/2011 09:38

Agree with Diggs.