ex mil and court

[cdcd]

Hi my ex mil is currently dragging my through court for access to my 10 month old baby. Her son my ex is a violent drunk they havn't seen baby since she was 10 weeks old as ex smashed up my house stole my car and was sent to prison. when he was released he continued to harass me he was given a harassment order which he breached, smashed up my (new) car, tried to kick i my front door at 3 in the morning was a arrested and bailed breached his bail waited at my eldest childs school an threatened me. He was again arrested and given a community order, alcohol treatment and a restraining order not to contact me etc. He has threatened to kill me and my family on numerous occasions and threatened to take the baby. His mum (who he lives with) wants access just received a letter for the next hearing stating because of my Implacable hostility it is to be held at the county court. WTF!!! how is it that because I wont let my baby girl near my dick of an ex who's threatened "If I ever get to see her you'll never see her again" I'm being Implacably hostile.

What you have to ask yourself is not whether you allow her to have contact but whether you want the child to have a relationship with his grandmother. In the absence of a compelling reason to the contrary, that is the child's right.
You haven't suggested that she or even the father is a risk to the child.
If a judge said you were implacably hostile, that would suggest that you are not telling the whole truth in your post.
Was it a judge or your ex's solicitor?

It was the magistrate. We have had 3 appointments first one her asking for permission to apply, second cafcass being asked to carry out section 7 reports and the last one the findings of the section 7 report. Stating the things my ex has done to me and my family all backed up by the police. I think him stealing my car (writing it off), smashing up the house with baby present, turing up at my mothers at 4 in the morning demanding the baby (baby wasn't even there), Turning up at mine at 4 in the morning trying to break through my front door, smashing up car. Being in prison twice in the last year having 16 convictions on his police report, breaching bail, orders etc and the judge ordering him to attend alcohol treatment and ordering a injunction (I didn't even apply for judge just ordered it) suggests in my opinion that he is a risk to the child.

Magistrates aren't as stupid as some would have you believe. The term "implacable hostility" has an actual legal currency they would be aware of. First you say he turned up at 3 in the morning. now it's 4.Did you take out an ex parte non-mol against him?
Has he applied for contact?
If he is as bad as you say, why did you have a child with him?
You're not telling the whole story, are you?

I know you say you can't afford a solicitor but I think you're going to have to bite the bullet and get one anyway. This is too important not to. It's possible you might find one to do the work pro bono?

If your MIL has a history of trying to deceive you with regard to your ex's proximity to her, you need to make Cafcass aware of that - that her word won't do, because it's been proved to be worthless before.

You got mixed up with your name changes there, HDHD/CDCD...

god Tyr, dont be so unpleasant - what do you mean why did she have a child with him? are you saying that if a woman has a child with a man then he can't possibly ever be an abuser?

'If' he is as bad as you say?

It doesn't sound as if any of the long list of crimes he's been CONVICTED of including violence against the OP are a matter of anyone's 'opinion' - just fact! And as for not suggesting the father is a risk to the child - I think 'threatened that if he got to see her I'd never see her again' is pretty clear!

Fine, the OP could be lying about them but if that's the case the whole thread is null and void really and there's no point in posting anything!

OP as josie says, sounds like your MIL may not have a criminal conviction but there are a list of things you can cite as reason for there not to be any kind of face to face contact for a long time.

She has threatened you. She has colluded with your ex in lying to you about his location. Crucially, she has refused indirect contact and sent no cards etc. She has shown that she is hostile to you rather than supportive of you, which given the actions of her son against not only you but her granddaughter is astonishing. I think you have a strong case for arguing that not only would contact with her be damaging because of her continued support of your ex, the fact that she does NOT want indirect contact demonstrates that her motive is not to keep contact with her grandchild but to act for your ex in continuing to harrass you. Make it very clear that you offered indirect contact even though the man living with her was threatening your life and to abduct your child! This should demonstrate that you are not implacably hostile but seeking to protect your dd.

The point to return to forcefully is, she does not have her granddaughter's best interests at heart. She is trying to bully and threaten her mother into having a violent, controlling man come closer to her.

You offered indirect contact. If this was a different kind of grandmother, it sounds as if you would be only too happy to take the support offered in keeping contact with the family whilst keeping your daughter safe from her violent father. Maybe point this out.

"If he is as bad as you say, why did you have a child with him?"

FFS Tyr have you not read the numerous threads on here about women in abusive relationships who have had children with the men who abuse them? Maybe the OP's ex didn't become abusive until she was pregnant/after they'd split up.

I've read hundreds of these stories and I could almost write the script. Actually, one of the limitations of a forum like this is that you get only one side of the story. Secondly, I've lost count of the number of times I've seen these allegations crop up in contact and residence proceedings. It is astonishing how NRP's suddenly become violent drunks etc when a relationship ends and they seek contact with their child. What would be truly astonishing would be one of these "DV support workers" helping an RP to come up with something original. Some of the things the op's ex is alleged to have said could have been out of frustration at not being able to see the child they brought into the world together. He could be drinking (to whatever extent) as a palliative. What would you be driven to if you couldn't see your child?
It could be that this is genuine; I don't know- I'm just asking questions. I see some of them haven't been answered.

Tyr, did it ever occur to you that domestic violence is simply very common and that these abusers follow a typical script?

Secondly, take your unsupportive jaded attitude elsewhere please, this is not AIBU, you are being inappropriately belligerent.

dizietsma,

I think you are buying into a myth. Aside from that, I've said that it may be genuine. You are not in possession of the facts, anymore than I am.
The questions will be asked in court anyway. On that subject, the mags (who are in possession of the facts) have, of their own motion referred the case up on the grounds of I.H. Why do you think that is? Are they unsupportive and jaded;inappropriately belligerent?
There is no need to be rude.

Tyr, I lived the "myth", watching my mother getting beaten all my childhood, don't you dare fucking lecture me on what's "real"!

I've spent 6 years on this board, and there's a serious pattern to the way abusers abuse, even if half of what I've read on here is fiction, which it probably isn't, there's patterns to this that I absolutely recognise from my own experience of witnessing abuse. Common themes, common threads.

People like you make me sick, where's your godammned humanity?

God, the magistrate sounds a bit screwy!

Spero - surely the OP can give a PO box number, or a solicitors address for any cards that the child's 'father' may choose to send (doubtful, since he seems to prefer to use the child as a revenge tool rather than actually give a flying fuck about her wellbeing) - there has to be a procedure involved where death threats are made to a woman/child by a violent ex? I cannot for the life of me see why the hell he should have the OP's new address, should she move - it's just asking for trouble and makes the whole moving process pointless anyway, if he can find them whenever he chooses.

"I've spent 6 years on this board, and there's a serious pattern to the way abusers abuse, even if half of what I've read on here is fiction, which it probably isn't, there's patterns to this that I absolutely recognise from my own experience of witnessing abuse. Common themes, common threads."

All you are acknowledging is that
(1) There is a formula to these allegations
(2) You are basing your views on what you have read on these boards, some of which, as you acknowledge, may be fiction.
(3) You are gulity of solipsism, ie you are projecting your own experiences onto the stories of others. without knowing the facts.

I'm sorry you had such a hard time (or rather your mother) but you shouldn't let it colour your view of all these stories. That kind of embitterment will consume you and you are not doing anybody any favours by bringing it to bear on everything you hear on the theme.
As for my own humanity, I have attended court with and supported parents who were genuine victims of genuine violence and would do so again. For every one of them, there are a dozen parents who are wrongfully accused and found to be so by the courts.

Really? A dozen?

Try are you usually melvinscomment or thatsthatguy?

Actually, it is probably more than a dozen and this is a problem recognised by the judiciary.
Some years ago, Geldof interviewed a retired High Court judge and asked him how many of the allegations of DV and even SA he had encountered in contact/residence proceedings were found to be true. After a moment's reflection the judge replied, "Not a lot"
In Australia, legislation was introduced a few years ago making these false accusers liable for the cost of proceedings.

DollyTwat Sun 01-May-11 15:05:47

Try are you usually melvinscomment or thatsthatguy?

Dollytwat,

I'm not usually any of those people. I don't know who they are. Why do you ask?

So because a retired High Court judge said "Not a lot" that makes it automatically true

Oh purlease, Tyr you could write the scipt because every abusive ex follows the exact same one.

Btw I had a family judge who seemed to think it was fine that ex hit me and the kids (apparently that's part of being married), she tried to label me as violent, when in fact ex was the one with a string of convictions, I had teachers letters, eye witnesses & a positive CAFCASS report. But she like you decided I must have asked for it, otherwise why did I stay so long & have kids with him!

I was successfully able prove the violence, & ex has supported contact. Not a single professional will accept responsibility of allowing my children to be alone with ex as they all feel that given his history & his current behaviour my children will come to harm.

My experience of judges is that a lot of them are so far removed from reality that they really have no idea what rubbish they spout. I am convinced that judges should sit in at contact centres and see for themselves the harm their judgments cause abused mothers & children.

OP you need a solicitor, are you sure you wouldnt qualify for legal aid?

You have to be certain of your wishes and then you need to clearly and articulately fight for yours and you childrens safety.

Tyr because you sound a lot like them
you seem to have a biased view of these situations and this thread is about supporting a poster who seems to have quite a lot of proof of dv/abuse

Your musings on other cases aren't relevant here are they?

Btw I had a family judge who seemed to think it was fine that ex hit me and the kids (apparently that's part of being married), she tried to label me as violent, when in fact ex was the one with a string of convictions, I had teachers letters, eye witnesses & a positive CAFCASS report. But she like you decided I must have asked for it, otherwise why did I stay so long & have kids with him!

For a start, that didn't happen as you describe it. No judge ever told you that was OK and you have discredited everything else you say by making that statement. Secondly, I have never suggested that you or anyone else asked for it.
Now do you understand how things get distorted and people get accused of saying and doing things they haven't said or done?
I don't know why asking questions has got some of you so riled.

"For a start, that didn't happen as you describe it."

You were there were you?

You don't need to be present to know that the utterly ridiculous and implausible didn't occur.