Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

sex related fight with DH

28 replies

maighdlin · 29/04/2011 20:42

I have completely emasculated my DH. He was trying to get amorous on the sofa and he kept doing the same moves which end up hurting me (not in a forceful way just bad angles/pressure IYSWIM) or tensing me up. I'm sick of it and lost it. We have been together over 5 and a half years and he still does not understand i don't like my inner thighs tickled, it just tenses me up and all feelings go out the window. You would think after over 5 years it would click.

I'm now in the other room feeling as guilty as hell. I have completely emasculated him. I know i handled it all wrong but is there a right way to say to your DH that he is always doing the wrong thing and its pissing you off? Sex was great at the start but as time as passed I think he thinks now its like a porn film and he can do standard things for 30 secs and then penetrate me. It does not work like that!! I am sick of telling him that grabbing my crotch or poking me with an erection does not turn me on in fact the complete opposite. He doesn't even try to do anything different that I MAY like just the same old shit moves.

I'm mostly on here to vent but any help to sort this problem out without me coming across as a callous bitch will be most helpful. I think i will start with an apology, but i have opened a can of rotting worms in our relationship....

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 29/04/2011 20:45

i don't think you have anything to apologise about

if you've repeatedly told him that you don't enjoy something, or asked him for something different then he should respect that.

i think he owes you an apology

tralalala · 29/04/2011 20:50

why have you emasculated him?

Does he watch Porn?..my dh did very briefly at got really shit at sex(definately playing out what he saw), so I asked him to stop which he did and all improved.

Also if you decide to talk about it, do it out the house/bed where ever you normally have sex.

blackeyedsusan · 29/04/2011 20:52

sex shouldn't hurt, you should both enjoy it. he seems to only be doing it for his benefit. you shouldn't have to apologise for wanting to be treated properly.

Original poster
maighdlin · 29/04/2011 20:54

I completely emasculated him by ending the fight with something a long the lines of "FFS you have not given me an orgasm in nearly a year you are that bad at it" may as well have cut the mans balls off by saying it like that.

He actually doesn't watch porn any more. Me and him watched loads when we first got together. I think may be he has lost any inspiration apart from "grab poke bang roll over sleep".

OP posts:
zikes · 29/04/2011 20:54

If you've told him before you don't like certain things and they stop you wanting to continue sex, then you've got to ask, what does he get out of keeping on doing them? I do not believe anyone's that stupid that after 5 years, he doesn't know.

I don't think you need to apologise, he needs to stop treating you this way.

TheVisitor · 29/04/2011 20:55

You so have not emasculated him. He owes you an apology, actually, as he's not respecting your wishes.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 29/04/2011 20:58

I would apologise for the way you said it, rather than what you said iyswim. Telling someone they are bad in bed is never going to make them better. But I understand why frustration may have led you there.

Original poster
maighdlin · 29/04/2011 20:59

I do not regret what I said to him but i just feel so bad at the way i did it.

I was just so fed up with it. had a lovely day watching the wedding and got a bit tiddly on the wine thought we would have a nice night together and i just thought i'm not doing this again having tense sex feeling uncomfortable.

My DH is a really lovely man but he really has let sex slip.

OP posts:
TheOriginalFAB · 29/04/2011 20:59

You need to apologise for shouting but tell him there is a problem and yo need to talk about it.

Have you been faking it for a year?

scarlotti · 29/04/2011 21:00

I agree with chickens and was going to suggest something similar. It's the way it's been said that is harsh, not the actual message.

Deep breath and an apology for the delivery, then maybe a few glasses of wine whilst you try and discuss it?

TheOriginalFAB · 29/04/2011 21:00

You saying he has let sex slip - he isn't doing it on his own. You are both responsible for your sex life.

scarlotti · 29/04/2011 21:03

Indeed, by faking it you have been contributing to the problem - you have my sympathies and understanding though as have been there myself.

Could you own up to that so that it's not all about him iyswim?

Original poster
maighdlin · 29/04/2011 21:05

I know it takes two to tango but have only recently came off anti-ds and sex drive for me was down to 0. The only way i can enjoy it is if i take charge but i don't like to do that all the time.

Have gathered the strength to go next door and apologise and try to sort it out. I know it won't be fixed tonight but at least make a start.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 29/04/2011 21:23

Sometimes it just becomes the same old same old, and you both have to work to bring the spark back. My ex husband used to do the same thing all the time you could count the seconds until he would do this or that, eventually I began to think I was turning gay because he just did nothing for me anymore.

However, for us it was also outside the bedroom we had problems cos he bored me intellectually.

scarlotti · 29/04/2011 21:36

Good for you - wishing you all the best!

hairylights · 29/04/2011 21:48

Op if he's continued to do things he knows you don't like it could be a control thing. Why would a loving partner do that? And no, you haven't emasculated him.

RobF · 29/04/2011 21:54

Do YOU ever try to do something different, that HE might like?

hairylights · 29/04/2011 22:38

Keepers Rob. That's a bit of a leap, isn't it?

The man has been told that she doesn't like certain things and he continues to the point of physically hurting her. How is what she's done or not done got to do with that?

hairylights · 29/04/2011 22:39

Jeepers, not keepers.

RobF · 29/04/2011 22:43

All the blame seems to be on the man. It seems like the OP is expecting him to do all the work, come up with new things, but she is unwilling to use her own initiative to keep things interesting.

hairylights · 29/04/2011 22:47

I'd a man hurts a woman sexually, whos fault is it?

If a man has been asked not to do something sexual and carries on, who's fault is it?

FreudianSlipOnACrown · 29/04/2011 22:48

Have you been faking orgasms OP?

garlicbutter · 29/04/2011 22:51

Umm, Rob, I'm assuming you're male? Let's say your partner of five years kept on doing something that didn't make you feel sexy. I dunno, ripping your jrans down, grabbing your cock and giving it a good old twist while yelling "Come on, Chubby, let's be having yer!"

And kept on doing that, week in, week out, paying no attention to your obvious discomfort. Would it be helpful to suggest you brought her a choc-ice in bed and gently stroked her hair??

garlicbutter · 29/04/2011 22:52

jrans = jeans

RobF · 29/04/2011 23:01

If my partner persisted on doing something that caused me discomfort, it wouldn't be 5 years later that I thought about doing something about it. It'd be about a week.

Swipe left for the next trending thread