Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He won't accept it's over and leave...........

50 replies

SarahsSerenity · 29/04/2011 15:48

I live with my DP and 2yr old DS. We have a Housing ASS house that we moved into 15 months ago after losing our home in the recession. The tenancy is in both names and there the trouble begins.

Our relationship (if you can call it one) reverts through the familiar cycle of abuse, Tension - explosion - reconsiliation - honeymoon period. We have been like this for most of our 8 year relationship and please don't ask me why we stayed together because I couldn't tell you.

We both love DS very much. But as a family it just isn't working on so many levels.

My question is how do I go about this. I don't want to leave this place I've made home for loads of reasons. He won't leave as he is refusing to accept it is not working. I realise I can eventually get him out by going down the legal route, me being the mother and main carer of the child I know I would be most likely entitled to keep tenancy but what about in the meantime. things will get nasty and I so don't want that to happen but what choice do I have? Again there are things that I could use against him if I remove his things and then threaten him if he tries to return although he is legally entitled to do just that. But I don't want to do the 'nasty' thing.

Any pearls of wisdom?

OP posts:
garlicbutter · 29/04/2011 16:08

I don't know! It looks as though the one thing you need most is clear, definite information. How about contacting the CAB for starters - and writing to your HA for clarification on your position as a soon-to-be single mother.

Is there a possibility the HA might rehouse you nearby? How would you feel about that?

Btw, you might have to be 'nasty' if he ain't budging. Get your facts straight first, though.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 29/04/2011 16:32

He's not going to leave.

Just put your name down for another house and move one last time. then you can move on with your life.

Digging your heels in and staying will only make you more miserable than you already are.

Being in a relationship breakdown should give you a little bit more leverage on the housing list

juneau · 29/04/2011 16:43

If you're the one saying it's over and he's not leaving then you're going to have to. So put your name down on the list and hope it's not a long wait. You can't force him out of his own home if you're joint tenants any more than he could force you out.

Original poster
SarahsSerenity · 29/04/2011 17:28

Yes i suppose your right. I just wish there was another way as if it wasn't for me doing 'everything' we wouldn't even have a roof over our heads at all. But I guess we will have to, it'll be worth it in the end. Thank you for your thoughts on this.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 29/04/2011 17:32

She cannot get another house whilst she is half tenancy of the one that she is in.

If you will be reliant upon housing benefit you cannot get it paid for another property if you are on the tenancy of a housing association one.

Theoretically the man has to move.

Make his life as hard as you can, ignore him, don't do anything for him.

Tell him that as far as you are concerned the relationship is over, sleep in seperate beds, have your own social life. Move on.

This should get him to realise the relationship is over and hopefully he will move out and give you sole tenancy.

RobF · 29/04/2011 22:17

Hold on. Why should he have to move out when you are ending the relationship? Do you not think that's a but unfair? Making a man homeless because you've gone off him?

millie30 · 29/04/2011 22:43

FabbyChic is right, it is difficult to get rehoused if you already have a tenancy. If you want to keep the tenancy then you may have to seek legal advice, it may have to be decided in court who gets to keep the tenancy.

RobF, people are entitled to leave unhappy relationships, and if a relationship breaks down usually both people have played a part in it. If she feels that she is the main carer of the child she is entitled to want to keep the tenancy, as much as he is. Deciding to leave a relationship doesn't automatically mean that you should have to surrender everything to the other party.

RobF · 29/04/2011 22:49

Turn the situation round. A man is at home as the prime carer of the child while his wife works all day to pay the bills. One day his wife comes home and the man says "sorry love, I'm sick of you. I've packed your bags, you're leaving, and the child is staying with me. If you refuse I'll make your life as hard as you can, ignore you, don't do anything for you, and generally bully you into leaving. Once you do leave, I'll still expect you to pay a hefty proportion of our bills. The rest will be paid by the state".

That sound reasonable to you?

millie30 · 29/04/2011 22:53

I don't think the OP sounds like that at all Rob tbh. It sounds like an unhappy relationship which is benefitting no one. Both parties are entitled to put their case for keeping the tenancy to a court, I was merely pointing out that wanting to leave a relationship doesn't automatically mean you should have to leave the home.

RobF · 29/04/2011 22:57

Why should a man be made homeless through no fault of his own?

Original poster
SarahsSerenity · 29/04/2011 22:58

RobF,

I want to end the relationship because of domestic violence so does that sound as if i've just 'had enough of him'. 8 years of abuse and no more sorry!
It's taken me everything to get to where I am today without any help from anyone including DP so get off your hard done by male pedastool and go lay it on someone else. I've quite frankly had enough of the lot of you! (men that is)

OP posts:
Original poster
SarahsSerenity · 29/04/2011 22:59

no fault of his own! oh if only you knew!!!!

OP posts:
garlicbutter · 29/04/2011 22:59

Rob, the point is the relationship isn't working. Nobody has the right to insist on conituing the relationship when the other party's said they don't want to. Your hypothesis looks unreasonable because the wife made a sudden announcement & demand. That's not what happens usually, and is certainly not what OP is describing.

Are you being the Voice Of Menz here tonight? Welcome Hmm

SingOut · 29/04/2011 23:01

'hard done by male pedestal' - I'd agree that Rob F seems to be operating from this perspective.

millie30 · 29/04/2011 23:02

OP, if DV is occurring then you need to seek legal advice asap. You may be able to get an order to get him removed from the home.

Original poster
SarahsSerenity · 29/04/2011 23:03

Thank you SingOut and sorry for the very bad spelling of pedestal, thought it didn't look right!

OP posts:
RobF · 29/04/2011 23:04

Do you not think it would be harsh for a man to ask his wife, leaving her young child, just because their relationship "wasn't working". If not, then why is it right with the gender roles reversed?

Would it not be fair to say that in this case, the man is "hard done by" losing both his home and child, through no fault of his own?

Original poster
SarahsSerenity · 29/04/2011 23:07

It may well come to that but it is more physically restraining (holding, pushing, stopping from getting out) then hitting etc so I feel like I am a bit of a fraud saying violence.

OP posts:
garlicbutter · 29/04/2011 23:07

It's not about fault, you twerp. Nobody is obliged to live with someone who makes them unhappy; nobody is entitled to force them to.

As it happens, OP has already said he is violent.

Original poster
SarahsSerenity · 29/04/2011 23:08

RobF are you not reading what I am saying or are you just thick! I AM SUFFERING FROM DOMESTIV V I O L E N C E ..........................................

HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY SAY THAT IS THROUGH NO FAULT OF HIS OWN?

OP posts:
garlicbutter · 29/04/2011 23:10

"Holding, pushing, restraining"

Er, Sarah, I think you'd find that was actionable if you (or anybody) did it to someone in the street.

Original poster
SarahsSerenity · 29/04/2011 23:13

I have come on here asking for advice, the last thing I need is some random guy on a one man crusade looking for 'justice for men'. Please RobF if you cannot try and see what is being typed underneath your nose then go and occupy some other more worthy thread! Because you are not helping my mind or situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
SarahsSerenity · 29/04/2011 23:15

Yes I guess garlicbutter but he sort of shugs it off as if it wasn't anything too bad and he even denies it afterwards sometimes. I wonder if I imagined it or blew it out of proportion.

OP posts:
bejeezus · 29/04/2011 23:17

you need an occupation order- there is a 4-6 week back log- so might be worth applying for 1 now (i assume you can stop the process if you change your mind)

millie30 · 29/04/2011 23:17

Sarah, you are not a fraud. How dare he put his hands on you! He has crossed the line and it may even escalate further. Could you ring womens aid? They helped me greatly, not just with emotional support but also practical help and advice.