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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He won't accept it's over and leave...........

50 replies

SarahsSerenity · 29/04/2011 15:48

I live with my DP and 2yr old DS. We have a Housing ASS house that we moved into 15 months ago after losing our home in the recession. The tenancy is in both names and there the trouble begins.

Our relationship (if you can call it one) reverts through the familiar cycle of abuse, Tension - explosion - reconsiliation - honeymoon period. We have been like this for most of our 8 year relationship and please don't ask me why we stayed together because I couldn't tell you.

We both love DS very much. But as a family it just isn't working on so many levels.

My question is how do I go about this. I don't want to leave this place I've made home for loads of reasons. He won't leave as he is refusing to accept it is not working. I realise I can eventually get him out by going down the legal route, me being the mother and main carer of the child I know I would be most likely entitled to keep tenancy but what about in the meantime. things will get nasty and I so don't want that to happen but what choice do I have? Again there are things that I could use against him if I remove his things and then threaten him if he tries to return although he is legally entitled to do just that. But I don't want to do the 'nasty' thing.

Any pearls of wisdom?

OP posts:

Selks · 29/04/2011 23:21

If you are experiencing domestic violence then the normal 'rules' about already having a tenancy making it difficult to move into another may not apply. If you speak to your housing association and explain that you are experiencing DV then they may move you sooner rather than later if they are able to. But you need to figure out whether you need to be somewhere where your ex can't find you, for safety reasons, or if you would be ok moving locally. Remember - the safety of you and your child/ren is paramount.

Selks · 29/04/2011 23:22

RobF

What part of domestic violence do you not understand??

RobF · 29/04/2011 23:23

I just think men get a very raw end of the stick when it comes to the seperation of marriages. Sorry if that makes me a "bitter misogynist".

If this happened to me I would be very bitter about it, that is for sure.

Original poster

SarahsSerenity · 29/04/2011 23:28

What I am scared of is that in defence when he has done this to me I have scrammed him and I am ashamed to say it but even once when he had me pinned I even bit his chest badly but only because my mouth was literally the only thing free to defend myself with. I am not proud of myself but he has told his family these things and they have seen the marks and they think that I am the one responsible for the DV. Does this make us as bad as each other?
I would never have done those things if I hadn't been in the position I was?

Basically I took his things in bags when he was in work down to his mother's house and they have accused me of all sorts. I refused to discuss details with them as it is between DP and I which they took as a sign of guilt.

I am so scared that if I go through with this one of them will get SS involved and I love my DS so so much and have only ever protected him and tried to protect myself.

OP posts:

millie30 · 29/04/2011 23:28

But with respect Rob, you are choosing to air your views on a thread where the OP is clearly upset, and the victim of domestic violence. She needs practical advice on how to keep safe, not your ramblings which are completely irrelevant to this thread.

SingOut · 29/04/2011 23:29

And if a man physically shoved me around or intimidated me, I'd be fucking bitter too!
God almighty there are some scary blokes out there.

amberleaf · 29/04/2011 23:29

Sarah

Approach your housing association, speak to your housing officer, there are definitely procedures in place for people experiencing DV.

They can rehouse you.

Original poster

SarahsSerenity · 29/04/2011 23:29

Oh and when I took his stuff to his mothers they basically said its tough and I can't throw him out.

OP posts:

millie30 · 29/04/2011 23:30

Sarah, if someone had be pinned I'd fight like hell to get them off me too. It's called self defence. He can tell his family what he likes, you both know the truth.

Original poster

SarahsSerenity · 29/04/2011 23:34

Also I am scared that he will take DS as he has dual nationality and has nationalised DS and has a birth certificate for him.
I would be afraid to ever leave him have access on his own.

OP posts:

garlicbutter · 29/04/2011 23:41

You were being assaulted, Sarah, of course you used your teeth to try & get him off. His mother's obviously going to support him, she's his mum. Nothing you can do about that.

You need to get your facts. It must be horribly frustrating, what with the long weekend and all, but you can call Womans Aid - maybe during the day tomorrow, when they might not be so busy. Also, please DO make an appointment at the CAB and DO contact your HA to get a clue about your options. You can do it!

If he has a go at you again (pinning you down, pushing you in anger, smashing stuff and blocking your way are all "having a go") ring the police.

Original poster

SarahsSerenity · 29/04/2011 23:49

I will do all that garlicbutter thanks.

When he is in the 'swing' of things shall we say, and I make a dive for the phone he laways forcibly takes it off me and rips it from the socket. Unfortunately mobile coverage doesn't cover in the house on any network so I am usually stuffed. By the time I can do something about it and things have calmed down he is all sorry and the cycle starts again.

Thankfully DS hasn't seen any of this but it's only a matter of time I guess and I can't risk that happening.

OP posts:

vickylou2004 · 29/04/2011 23:52

Sarah,

If you don't get him to leave, the SS can take your child and say that you did nothing to protect him.

What else has he done to you?

Original poster

SarahsSerenity · 29/04/2011 23:57

He hasn't done anything else vicky.

God this is messy. It seems as if I am going to have to fight to keep my DS either way and I haven't done anything. Maybe it's just easier staying put as he would never do anything to DS and I would never risk losing him.

OP posts:

vickylou2004 · 30/04/2011 00:04

Yes but your DS is still in the environment, what if he was in the way one day and got hurt. Just because he has never done anything to him, doesn't mean he is safe.

What made your partner lash out, was he very forceful when he pinned you down?

Original poster

SarahsSerenity · 30/04/2011 00:09

Arguements gotten oout of control, I try to leave and he stops me basically.

I will speak to HA, WA, CAB etc as garlicbutter suggested i think.

Thank you everyone for your advice and support.

OP posts:

ikoto · 30/04/2011 00:10

I think you need to contact Womens Aid and follow their advice

SimpleSingleDad · 30/04/2011 00:13

Whoa, there, Vickylou.

Yes, Sarahs' DS is technically at risk, but let's just get this a step at a time, huh?

Poor woman's got DV and had some random bloke on a mission on this thread already.

First: Women's Aid / Sunflower / whatever for support and advice - both immediate and longer term.

Second: your HA. They'll be most able to help if you have previously reported DV to at least the police, and preferably to them also. Same goes for WA - have you previously reported anything to the police?

Third: don't worry about SS, unless you take the line of least resistance and remain his punch bag (either literal or metaphorical). They're unlikely to take an interest unless there's a clear and present danger to DS, and from what you've said, there isn't and you'll continue to do all you can to make sure there isn't.

garlicbutter · 30/04/2011 00:17

No, he will hurt DS in due course. That kind of temper has a horrific effect on young children.

I do know how you feel (been there) and am glad you're posting here because you can look back on your thread next time you feel all whiffly. It's really easy to forget what's gone before - that's part of what the abuse does to you, it makes you doubt your own self so much.

What vickylou was saying is that SS consider you an unfit parent if you don't protect your child. So you're not stuffed either way - only if you wait around doing nothing! Then, you'd be stuffed both ways :(

Although it's dependent on your area, the police have made a very big & public commitment to supporting women with aggressive partners. You could ring the local number and ask to speak to their DV advisor. The advisor should take heed of what you say has happened in the past, you don't have to show bruises and stuff. They can also help you ensure your safety. Many Mumsnetters have had great support from the police - things have changed.

Google your area and "police domestic abuse", they should have a number for you to call. And ring Womens Aid :)

SimpleSingleDad · 30/04/2011 00:17

That should say what appears to be the line of least resistance.

Remaining in your situation will only cause further problems, which you're clearly aware of.

You're right that the HA will generally say that you're joint tenants, and will want you to sort it out between yourselves.

That said, since you're experiencing DV, WA is the way to go - they're the experts, they'll guide you through your choices and options, including housing / re-housing.

SimpleSingleDad · 30/04/2011 00:19

what garlic said, too.

garlicbutter · 30/04/2011 00:20

x-posted, all! There you go, Sarah, half the world's telling you don't have to put up with it! You're not helpless. You can improve your life and DS's future. Go for it!

Tortington · 30/04/2011 00:21

the HA can get a court order to have him removed fromt he tenancy

is your name on the tenancy?

this is all you need to know - you can ring them for advice

oh and by the way, this is a very immature way to behave in a relationship. i totally get where you are coming from - i do. but if you don't take steps to make your family - however that family is formed - a steady emotional place for your child, that makes you a shitty parent - so do something

cestlavielife · 30/04/2011 20:48

who have you reported the agression too?

eg GP, police, - there needs to be some record of this - have you kept a journal/diary?

you need to if you can report to police as soon as you can after an incident. eg when he has calmed down/ next day. call womens aid for advice - and go speak to police DV unit - tell them what you fear will happen and ask for support . is there a neighbour you can speak to? tell them next time they hear something they are to call police? decide on a code word you might shout or get a rape alarm and tell them if they hear it they to call police?

does he damage furniture/walls? any kind of physical evidence you could photograph and report?

cestlavielife · 30/04/2011 20:50

ps my exP would not leave and i had to - frankly you need to consdier this and also if you do flee surely it carries weight as evience of DV? you dont jsut walk out of a tenancy for fun...pack a bag documents etc think where you might go or talk thru options with WA - report any incident to police adn tehn you can work on getting your home back without him in it...or a new home...

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