Don't fancy DH anymore/feel I've missed out - not sure what to do

[iknowimshallow]

Namechanging. i KNOW this is really shallow and horrible.

I'm 30, DH is 37. Met when I was 17. Have 3 DCs (9, 5, 4).

DH was my first proper boyfriend.

Since DD3 I've changed loads; grown up, broadened my interests (esp in feminism), got to know myself better. DH has stayed the same as ever and some of the things we used to have in common (like drinking loads - I've given up as was making an arse of myself while drunk), we don't anymore.

DH's attitudes towards sex irritate me sometimes though we have talked a lot and he is receptive.

He has aged really really badly. He was always 'pretty' and now his chin melts seamlessly into his neck, his eyes are really basset hound-y - facially he looks late 40s. We always had a very powerful physical attraction and I'm just not feeling it.

It might be because I'm 30, but I'm wondering if I've missed out on a lot by settling down so young. No more butterflies ever? Only having sex with DH, forever? Never feeling that oh wow you're gorgeous thud again?

WWYD?

Do you love him?

I love the father he is. I feel safe and loved with him. I didn't realise how much of my love for him was about finding him attractive - and I don't know if the reason I don't find him so attractive is because of his looks (I don't think so, I think I am noticing his looks because I don't find him so attractive if that makes sense?), or because of these incompatibilities which are showing up.

I do get where you're coming from a little bit, you were really young when you met, but believe me, the alternative - a messy affair, or a divorce, sharing care of the dc's etc isn't particularly pretty either.. everyone ages eventually and that in itself is a crazy reason to split with a partner.

The big question is whether you still love him?

Ok. Well, you need to try and work out how you feel about him. Because my advice will be different depending on whether you love him or not. The fact of the matter is, we all age. None of us are immune. So what is it that is making him less attractive do you think?

I don't want to sound like one of those husbands I read about on here - "I love him but I'm not IN LOVE with him". But that's partly it I think. The butterflies/thud/oh my god you're amazing thing has gone. It lasted for nearly 13 years and that's good going but the dynamic of our relationship has changed and we're both struggling with that.

I used to think he was my saviour, hero etc and now not so much. Also I am looking back at things he's done over the years and thinking "actually he was a twat that time". He's not a paragon to me anymore (or maybe it's just that I have more self-esteem).

I know breaking up would be awful for everyone. But I don't want to get all twisted and resentful and end up breaking us up anyway, you know?

We all age and we're all human, not saviours, heros etc.
Marriages change over time, that's normal.
How does where you are relationship wise compare with your peers? I know many women older than you that are getting all excited about getting married etc., buying their first property - but you chose to settle down when you were very young, that was your choice.

How would you feel if he said he no longer fancied you much after three children etc. or how would you feel handing over your three children in a car park for an access visit and not having very much money to live on? Worth it if your desperately unhappy but perhaps not if all you want to do is play the field because you feel you missed out earlier on and he's got a saggy chin.

I have saggy tits and an old-lady arse. DH sees this but doesn't care because he fancies me. I don't fancy him and that's why I notice his changing looks. Does that make sense at all?

I'm not desperately unhappy. But what if we keep getting less and less compatible and suddenly I'm 50?

I also feel like the DCs - well, DC1 - wasn't a choice per se. I was 21 and DH was 28 and it was very much his idea to get pregnant. I was so caught up in the romance of making a life with him.

I adore the DCs beyond all reason but I'm a SAHM with a limited life. Things would be easier if I worked and I am looking into volunteering (which DH disapproves of, he thinks it's not worth it).

I got with my childrens father at 19, by the time I reached 30 I was someone completely different, we drifted apart, he still loved me I despised him. Took ten years to get rid of him.

You are not really grown emotionally until you reach 30, you outgrow people.

Everybody deserves to be happy, and you should do whatever it takes within reason to be happy.

I doubt you have an old lady arse, or saggy tits, but there are such things as gyms.

You can reshape yourself with effort it can be done.

You need to be somebody other than a mother, you need to be YOU too. Try some evening classes or even classes during the day if you can get the childcare.

I think you should try and work out if you're unhappy because you don't love your husband, or whether you're making him a scapegoat for your own frustrations. Before you throw away what you have, work out its worth to you. Have you spoken to your husband about your unhappiness? What about counselling?

If you think life would be more rewarding if you worked, get a job. Your DH doesn't have to approve. Mind you, as someone who has always worked alongside being a mum I'm not sure the word 'easier' springs to mind

Agree totally with FabbyChic about being someone other than a mother.

How unacceptable was his behaviour? Are we talking abuse? Infidelity?

'Just get a job' - bit more tricky than that. Like I said, am looking into volunteering. Dh sort of does have to approve as I'd need his support (financial or otherwise), for childcare if I did a course or got a regular role.

I have spoken to Dh exhaustively, about the things he did which were unacceptable, and insisted on counselling. He agreed eventually after lots of foot-dragging but it hasn't happened yet - I could push and make it happen.

Not sure I know who I am really!

(let's pretend that failed namechange didn't happen! Ironic huh!)

Unacceptable behaviour - putting his penis in me without my express permission (we had had 'sleep sex' before but this was different), behaving atrociously while drunk.

He was defensive at first and acted like a total arse but eventually took what I said on board. He has agreed to see a doctor about the way alcohol affects him (he gets very drunk very fast, much faster than in the past), and our sex life has totally changed.

Ah, ok. So this is a relationship with significant issues? Would that be fair to say? Do you feel that he took responsibility for his actions? Have you forgiven him? (Not placing any judgements on your answers, just trying to work out where you are in your head)

The relationship has had significant issues over the 13 years we've been together yes. The sleep-sex thing was a huge issue for me because of his reaction. He wasn't repentant (even for having upset me), and was defensive/offensive, saying we'd done it before and stuff.

I realised then that I'd changed as a person.

Does he take responsibility? He accepts he did these things, but would say "suddenly they're an issue when they never have been before".

I hold grudges forever, but he has completely changed his sexual behaviour which has gone a long way towards my forgiving him for that. And he has taken what I've said about his drinking on board - I won't trust him on that fully until the next 'danger period' (sales week), has passed again.

It sounds like maybe your trust has been eroded? I think that can be hard to fix. Do you want to be in love with him? Or, deep down, do you think your time has passed?

I think we were both in this situation where he was providing security (emotional and physical), and I was grateful. So he's got used to me being one way, and I'm changing.

we've had some great and amazing and exciting times together. I can't think our time has passed because we have the DCs. But I'd like some great amazing excitement and it's not going to happen with DH.

We would all like some 'great amazing excitement' but I don't think life is like that, at least not 99% of the time. If you feel you are missing out of great amazing excitement, I think you are a little naive.

But what is more worrying, imo, is that your husband seems to want to put the brakes on any attempt you want to make to extend your horizons and explore some life outside the home. You are only 30! What are you going to be doing in 10 years time? Your youngest will be 15.

that I think is a really worrying thing and I can't blame you for feeling trapped and resentful about that. Does he worry you might leave him behind?

I would definitely want to explore that with him, if you could get some broader life experience, you might be less keen on pursuing what I think is a bit of a pipe dream of a life of amazing excitement.

You don't have to throw your family life in the bin to enjoy yourself a bit more and find something that interests and engages you. I appreciate it would be good if your husband wanted to go on the journey with you but splitting up with three children will be no picnic at all.

It's not going to happen if you don't put the effort in too. I'm concerned that you've almost decided it isn't going to work, and therefore it's a self-fulfilling prophecy that it won't.

You need to grow together, not apart. Is he actually aware of how miserable you are? Can you imagine yourself actually ending things with him, him meeting someone else and your dc's spending time with her? That could be your reality pretty soon, if you can cope with that idea then you may have your answer.

He thinks I should get a job, but the only job which is "worth it" is one which pays at least what the childcare costs would be. I was quite firm about the impossibility of just walking into a job.

We have had amazing excitement for ages though. We never got out much as a couple but when we did it was incredible. But not so much nowadays. I don't want 24/7 amazing excitement, but it really did use to be that we had brilliant fun and adventures during our time together and now we're just knackered lumps and I don't find the idea of the stuff we used to do exciting anymore. Partly because I don't drink so much I'm sure.

I don't want us to stay together just because of the DCs.

I do want it to work, but I'm different and he's not - I can't undiscover the things I've found out about myself.

Talk to him about the job situation. He needs to understand that you can't just walk into a well paying job, you need to understand why he is worried about the financial implications of paying for childcare while you aren't earning much or at all. Why can't you meet in the middle? You have some time to investigate what is out there and what you can make financially viable?

You have got three children. That is going to be tiring. It might mean you have to look elsewhere for meaning and value in your life rather than having the amazing excitement you used to have before children, or before you had all three of them. Change is inevitable, it doesn't have to be boring or soul sucking, you might just have to be more inventive in what you do.

I am not saying you stay together 'just' because of the children, but you have to consider very, very carefully what your options are now that they are here because you are legally and morally obliged to take care of them.

If you can contemplate a future where you might be single and struggling emotionally and financially but that doesn't scare you and that in fact feels better than where you are now, then that is your answer. But it is hard for me to see where the amazing excitement will fit in with that.

Hi, I don't want to influence your decision, but as a divorced mum of 3 myself all I can say is that the great amazing excitement doesn't come easily as their needs will constantly come first. You can never recapture life before kids and its is inevitable that the excitement part of a new relationship fades with time as the day to day hassles of real life will get in the way.

As Dh is the breadwinner, does anyone think it would be possible that - should we break up - he take on the main responsibility for the DCs? It seems reasonable to me, but...

Erm, are you really thinking about leaving your children?