Don't fancy DH anymore/feel I've missed out - not sure what to do

[iknowimshallow]

Namechanging. i KNOW this is really shallow and horrible.

I'm 30, DH is 37. Met when I was 17. Have 3 DCs (9, 5, 4).

DH was my first proper boyfriend.

Since DD3 I've changed loads; grown up, broadened my interests (esp in feminism), got to know myself better. DH has stayed the same as ever and some of the things we used to have in common (like drinking loads - I've given up as was making an arse of myself while drunk), we don't anymore.

DH's attitudes towards sex irritate me sometimes though we have talked a lot and he is receptive.

He has aged really really badly. He was always 'pretty' and now his chin melts seamlessly into his neck, his eyes are really basset hound-y - facially he looks late 40s. We always had a very powerful physical attraction and I'm just not feeling it.

It might be because I'm 30, but I'm wondering if I've missed out on a lot by settling down so young. No more butterflies ever? Only having sex with DH, forever? Never feeling that oh wow you're gorgeous thud again?

WWYD?

Take a deep breath and give yourself time. You have been bringing up kids for nearly 10 years and are bound to be exhausted. But your 4 year old will be at school in the not too distant future and your life will move on to another phase.

I am always amazed that men think childcare is the women's responsibility. It needn't be. You are both parents. For a start, can you get your husb to be responsible for the children on his day off work while you go and do something "for you"? You could step up the no. of times you ask him to do that, make it a regular thing, would allow you to do volunteering or p/t work. Or once DC3 is at school, you could get a job or volunteer at a school? Start gathering items for your CV.

Speaking as someone who had a bundle of relationships till she was in her mid-30s, I would say that excitement you are looking for always wears off, and to my mind it is not worth as much as contented family life. I do think you might be better fixing what you've got rather than abandoning it.

As for not finding DH as attractive as you used to, you have to tap into the things you do like about him ... notwithstanding your issues (and you do need to get those sorted - go get that counselling, and if he won't go, then go without him). Could he make up for his physical shortcomings by better grooming? Can you reconnect with him through e.g. date nights?

Lordy knows I am no expert, but I know enough to say, "Don't panic." Take control of your life; small steps first, then more as you get more confident.

How as 'breadwinner' is he going to take on main responsibility for 3 children? He would have to earn a lot to afford child care for that many.

How will you survive without maintenance from him, at least in the short term? What work will you do that will pay a living wage if you haven't worked for so long?

It sounds as if you need some time alone to really think about what you want and what is achievable. Can you go away for a few days?

I think you're very lucky you had 'amazing excitement' for so long, it always fades and if you had it for a long time then that is more than most. THink very carefully before you throw that away.

"I used to think he was my saviour, hero etc and now not so much"

Could that be because you are not a teenager anymore?

Completely agree that by 30 you grow up - it's always been my theory - for women it's often 27/28 and men around 30 which is why early marriages often fail. However you don't seem to be describing a bad marriage - you seem bored and unsatisfied which is understandable but not your DH's fault. No coincidence that your youngest is at school age so you are now free to make choices.

Definitely get a job and start thinking of things that you could both do that doesn't involve lots of drinking. Plan events for you to do together and it might rekindle the passion you used to have for him.

'Erm, are you really thinking about leaving your children?'

Chickenshavenoeyebrows - shame on you for that sexist comment.

Why's it sexist? I was asking the OP to clarify if that's what she meant.

That is not "sexist" at all.

Sexist? I suspect the same question would have been asked had it been a man posting.

Why would you even ask that kind of question OP? Why would you want your dh to have the kids? So you could go off shagging other 'exciting' blokes????
wtf???

Well, I took the post to mean that the OP was thinking of getting a job and that her dh could be a SAHD and that you were objecting to OP working because she'd be leaving her children.

Sorry if I misunderstood.

oh and when parents split up it follows that one of them has to become the resident parent (unless you have shared residence which is not very practical in reality)

What difference does it make whether it's the mother or the father?

no - I took it to mean that if they split up then she'd be asking her dh to be the primary guardian and live with the kids.
I couldn't understand that since she obv. wouldn't be working and her dh would have to sort out the childcare and hold down a job. Where would the benefits be for the kids in that situation.
I might have misunderstood too!

I thought the suggestion was that she would be working in that situation?

What else could she have meant but that her husband works and pays for child care? As she doesn't have any earning capacity at the moment, or only something unskilled.

I don't think it is a question that as a mother she shouldn't even contemplate it - but rather as a sentient human being I am not sure why she even suggests it. It is impossible to work full time and raise three children, one too young to go to school, without live in child care. in my opinion.