MIL - What do I do?

[nitrox]

Hi everyone,

First time poster (not a troll!)

I don't really have a major issue with MIL, but it's starting to bug me now.

Bit of background. Been with DP for just over 2yrs now. I have met MIL around 3 times at her house when DP was still living at home and I had my own flat. He was 33! and I was 26 I think, so he was a bit of a mummy's boy. Atmosphere was very strained and although she made out she was fine, she would just talk about DP as a child or about the soaps on TV. Even when I picked DP up before my mums wedding weekend, she took no interest at all.

Anyhow, DP is very protecting of his mum (as we all are), but I feel like I'm getting the blame for not going round her house again for nearly a year now. We now live together and have done for the past 6 months, going mostly well, first few months were hard.

God, I'm rambling.

Right, well, she lives 3 miles away, has never been to our house, DP says she doesn't feel welcome (??), I've not been round there since last July '10 now and not really been invited either. DP goes after work.

When we first lived together he would lie about visiting his mum, making out that he had just left work, when he had actually left work earlier and been to visit. I have no problem with him visiting, or at least I hadn't.. and this happened on two occasions where I had found out he had been lying.

We went away at Xmas on holiday, over Xmas, was DP's idea as I was off Uni and he had a mandatory week off work. She turned her phone off so he couldn't speak to her at Xmas, and then weeks later said she had been unwell and that's why (bollox).

Anyhow, I feel very resentfull towards her, and also DP a little now too. Feel like I'm excluded from everything to do with them (my family are down south) and I've raised the issue a few times but only during arguments, and then DP says nothing afterwards of trying to build bridges, but still blames me I feel.

So sorry for the rambling.. I don't really know what I want from all this, just feel really insecure about it all and it's making me feel jealous/resentful of something, but really don't know what to do anymore. My mum says that maybe DP knows what she is like and is saving me anymore rejection from her but he doesn't want to admit it...

He denies she had a problem, but previously had said he's spoke to a work colleague about MIL issues with DIL's, and this guy said his mum 'came round to his wife', so how can he say there isn't an issue.

Can anyone help with my ramblings? I'm just digging myself into a hole about this and it isn't even that bad!!

Have you and DP invited MIL to your house, or are you just waiting for her to pop round? Could you invite her for dinner or Sunday lunch on a regular basis. It sounds like you haven't had much to do with her, and you're resenting her and DP for "excluding" you. Perhaps you should try to "include" yourself more.

Thanks for the reply.

I've tried to include myself, but DP discourages me from it.. I said last weekend about going round next week, and he hasn't mentioned it at all this week.

When I did say about going round with him, his reply was 'I still want to go round on my own as well'.. which wasn't exactly encouraging.

I have no idea if I have the problem, DP has the problem or if it's the MIL?

I have asked why she hasn't been round and he just says she doesn't want to.. but I don't think he's being honest really.

I know it's very trivial, and maybe I should be grateful that I don't have her breathing down my neck, but I want to get to know her, she is my DP's only family and since he left she lives alone and I kinda thought it would be nice for both of us to get along and visit, coffee, lunch or whatever..

My family are so different to his from what I can gather and I'm taking it very personally and wish I wasn't bothered.

She doesn't have a car to get here, but like I say, she's only 3 miles away..

Also, at Xmas, she didn't get presents until after Xmas, and again this Easter gave us some eggs after Easter weekend, which is odd, but she has been very thoughtful and got me a lovely Easter Egg with my name written on it..

Feel like crying.. really hope DP isn't making both me and MIL upset because he's being a funny bugger!

don't go round simple as that, you have taken away her only child you wicked wicked woman, [cwink] let dp put up with her, stay well out of it

Why don't you send her a card or something asking if you can meet up for coffee one lunchtime? Cut your DP (who does seem to be playing silly games - I was thinking the MIL clearly hates you right up to the Easter Egg thing) out of the equation, try to get to know her a bit independently.

I've fairly recently become a MIL (DS1 has moved in with his GF) and it is strange. I like my DIL enormously, she's great for him, but it's still strange. We're tiptoeing round each other a bit. But it's so important we do get on - I really think if you want to resolve this you need to take the initiative. Don't wait for him to include you. And if she says no to the coffee, at least you know where you stand.

Yes, he is an only child and she hasn't had a relationship since his dad (I presume).. lol - yes, I know she has struggled with the fact that I have taken her place.

Hmmm, I think DP would be angry if I approached her directly, which is odd, but I think he wouldn't like it.

I did say ages ago about going for a coffee and he said he wasn't sure (just me and his mum), and said 'what if you talk about me'.. so I do think there is an element of him being a tit over this.

Should I ask him for his mums number and ring her and see if she fancies a coffee? I don't want to go round uninvited or cause problems, so I'm not sure what to do.

Also, if she is a bit of a cowbag, then will I regret being involved with her?

I've had a MIL previously for 8.5yrs with my ex, and we got on really well..

Does she like doing something... sewing? Theatre? Cinema? You should find out from DP or her.

I find one-on-one coffee time a bit stressful with my MIL as we have to speak a combo of English and her language and also she sometimes comes out with really strange things out of the blue.

I have found she is obsessed with the finding and purchase of 'bargains'. I'm also pretty thrifty so we go bargain hunting together, the shared goal/activity really takes the pressure off conversation and she respects my ability to work out percentages quickly! Its really brought us closer together and I love to overhear her showing off about some bargain I found. She also doesn't mind standing for ages while I choose fabric conditioner by sniffing each variety in the supermarket. Its amazing what you find in common.

Your DP is being pretty wierd here though - whats all that about? My husband loves the fact that I'm developing a relationship with his mum - I admit I thought she was insane at first. Seeing her loving our son to bits even though he's their 5th GC made me really love her though. Not that I'm suggesting you have a baby Nitrox!

Your dp needs a kick up the rear and, to be blunt, to be told in no uncertain terms that it is YOU that he goes to bed with every night not his mum. I could put this in cruder terms but won't for sake of decency. All men who put their mothers before a serious long-term partner need to be told this.

tbh, I would have run for the hills at the point that you discovered your dp was still living at home at 33.

The issue isn't your mil; it is your dp. Clearly he has some weird attachment to his mother that he doesn't want you to be a part of. Not wanting you to go round there with him because he feels he should have time alone with her? Lying about having gone to see her? being angry if you contacted her? I would equate that kind of behavior with a man who was having an affair, not the kind of relationship he should be having with his mother. It's not normal and tbh I would be questioning my future with such a man.

Had he had any other relationships before you? and if so, why did they end do you think?

With some mils, the key is to treat 'em mean to keep 'em keen.

haha Wamster - that seems to be true to be fair.

He isn't the easiest person to live with, but he does have a lot of redeeming qualities too.

Previous relationships - not any of any substance.. probably because he lived at home, and also because he was so suspicious and awkward in the first 6 months. I did nearly give up on him!

I told him that he would ruin the trust in the relationship if he carried on lying, and now he says when he is going round (usually once a week for an hour), I said, if he lies about that then why would I not worry about him doing it on other days and seeing another woman.

He said (in an argument) the other week that he doesn't see his mum enough.. so I said I'm not stopping you!

I don't know what his problem is really.. I think he mum is a little odd in her ways, because DP is too.. but I really do think he's been spouting excuses to her about why I haven't been round, and doing the same to me, and now he scared we are going to find out?

Should I ask him again about it..? when we aren't having an arguement!

He is into his football and she used to go with him, but that stopped last year all of a sudden.. think she spat her dummy out about it, but not had the full story and probably never will. So apart from that, I have no idea what she likes! Gardening.. but I really don't think she does anything else.. I'm into extreme sports, I'm at uni doing a degree in a construction/accounting course and she isn't an academic type so I can't discuss it with her.

I hate to say it, but she does seem a simple kind of person, not excited in anything as such, so it's going to be hard work, but I'm sure we could talk about something.

I do wonder why I put up with his odd ways sometimes, it irritates me like mad as I'm a very straight talking and easy going person, but I think his good points outway his bad one's..

I think your DPs relationship with his Mother is a complex one and one that he does not really want you to be a part of. He has not still completely cut the apron strings. They sound unhealthy codependent on one another.

Re this comment:-
"He said (in an argument) the other week that he doesn't see his mum enough.. so I said I'm not stopping you!". I would have instead asked how often does he expect to see his mother in that case (as he already sees her once a week).

I have an impression as well that if push came to shove, he would choose her over you. His primary loyalty lies elsewhere, it is not with you.

Well he goes once a week for an hour, but I do feel that he has already chosen me over her by moving in with me.. that did cause her some unhappiness as she tried to put him off and convince him to stay..

I'm not worried about that side of things.

He doesn't spend any weekend time with her, or even go out, just goes round for a drink. Only day he goes out is Mother's Day and her Birthday.

I feel like he is obviously trying to keep us apart, but part of me thinks maybe he is doing it for my benefit.

Him and his mum do get on, but it's not a natural relationship like I have with my parents and I think he is scared to lose contact as it's his only close family left.

When I was upset about the last time I went round and she was off with me and I told DP how upset it made me and he said he was going to 'have it out' with her.. but I said no as I didn't need to know and I didn't want it to look like I was causing trouble.

Also, he always says I am his special one now and we have to stick together.. so I know he has issues with his mum. I think she has been quite a control freak and disapproving with him and maybe he just wants to be accepted by her.?

Oh I dunno... I can't work it all out.

I don't feel threatened by her though in all honesty.

Meant to add... he has had the opportunity to see his mum more when I've been home visiting my family or out somewhere else and he hasn't.. so I think saying he wants to see her more was just to hurt me.. that's his style or arguing when in a corner.. he says things to get at me.

I'm confused, you guys are probably confused too.. lol.. maybe I should just leave it alone now and just say I'm too busy to be visiting etc...

I think he either;

1. likes to keep his mum for himself
2. His mum doesn't like me and he knows it
3. He likes to imagine they are close when really they aren't
4. He is embarrased that she is very odd compared to my family..

please add anymore possibilities lol

Can you arrange to take her somewhere whilst your dp is at football? Say you "won" some tickets for an afternoon matinee and ask her to come with you "for a change".
Tell your dp and see what reaction he gives you if you say you might ask her. Then just show up at her door and ask her yourself. If she doesnt like you, you will know.

But you do not seem to have spent much time with her to find out if she does or doesnt like you. Your dp seems abit obsessed with his mum....

He seems a bit funny about it.. I'm not sure if it's because I've said things about her not liking me etc etc that he now has permanently taken the hump over it with me? But I've never said anything personal about her.. just general rantings whilst having a row about how she doesn't come round and obviously about his lies about visiting.

I honestly can't think of a single event that I could pretend to invite her to, she really isn't that way inclined.. I don't even know what she does all day as she doesn't work anymore. She's 61 I think but doesn't seem to go out and do any hobbies or anything.

She has sent cakes over before, and DP says 'my mums got us these for dessert'.. so I really don't know why she hasn't been over?! Unless it's all a front to keep DP sweet and think she's super mum.. they have had their fall out in the past when he used to live there, so they don't have a perfect relationship. I've never argued with my mum in that way.. must stop comparing lol.

I think he thinks I always have an alterior motive and I've told him many times how upset that makes me, because it's a basic lack of trust! and is very unfair.

I know it sounds silly, but if he suggested going round now, I'd be so nervous and wonder why I ever raised the issue..

It's causing problems though because he came home with these eggs yesterday and I struggled to look impressed.. because from my point of view she 'doesn't want to come round'.. so why buy me an egg?!

Mixed signals and it's causing me a bit of upset now :(

Not wishing to make light of the situation Nitrox, but I'm now picturing you taking your MIL on some extreme sports

If she has no activities or social life then that suggests to me she's shy / socially awkward. Why not just doorstep her for a bit of light shopping? Whats the worst that could happen?

What possible ulterior motive does he imagine you could have??

You know, if you've only ever met her 3 times she might well have some interests DP just hasn't told you about.

Does your mum live nearby? What about suggesting the three of you have lunch together?

lol I dunno if I have the guts!

DP just text and said he mentioned to his mum about a service thing with my car, (cambelt), I had a price from the garage to do it, £380, now he said his mum used to work there and knows the people or something and the local Ford garage will do it for £320.. so I think she has gone and asked or something...

Hmmm... I'm quite happy just sorting it out myself to be honest.. think I may just ignore his text.. It doesn't take 3 people to arrange to have my car sorted when I was more than happy to arrange it all myself in the first place.

Sound awful now don't I ?!

My parents live 150 miles away, but she wouldn't come out with us, she just doesn't seem that type really... It's hard to explain.. I just can't see her being interested at all.

Even my mum has been round to our house.

I dunno what he thinks my alterior motive is? to be nosey, to show him up? to cause problems? he does have trust issues and it hurts me to be honest as I'm not that type of person at all and it's insulting.

When I have been round there, she is a bit of a know-it-all... but in all honesty she doesn't actually know a lot (that's not meant to be bitchy)..

What do I actually want?! If I don't have anything to do with her I feel left out, but when DP mentions her or things she has said I feel angry and defensive for some reason.. :(

I'm not normally like this with people and all I can think in my defence of my attitude is that all this pissing about has made me a bit fed up of them both.

Hmm, I don't think she hates you. But it sounds like she hasn't been a mil before and isn't sure what to do.

My gran didn't know how to talk to my mum when she got married, started talking about the price of sugar. Am I right he doesn't want you two discussing him? Parents do know all the things we'd rather forget.

Babysteps and perseverence he's been her life by the sounds of it.

I've text him back and said I'm happy for my choice or garage to do it.. he said 'but it's £60 more', and I said, 'I know, it's okay I want them to do it'.. and he's now said 'I'll say no more then'.

I know I might get flamed for it, but it's my sodding car, I never needed help in sorting it out, and I'd rather get to know his mum, not for her to be finding out prices for my car service.. what's that all about? now he'll be moody with me because I havn't taken his mums advice.. hmmm.. I just don't want to be controlled and I have this awful feeling that she will try and control me, that's why I'm scared of going round and meeting up with her, in case I regret it all..

Surely I can sort my own car out though? I'm perfectly capable and I'm not a typical girly girl at all, I'm very practical and fixed my own wing mirrors, wiper motor and stuff on my car.

She was only a cleaner at this garage I'm taking my car and DP is saying 'my mum used to work at the garage and knows the people'... well, she was a cleaner, and it's a main dealer, hence why I want a very important job to be done by them. The cambelt went on my last car and so I kinda want it doing right.

I think your DP sounds weird. I would make some kind of overture to his Mum. Can you accidentally on purpose bump into her? Phone her about the garage thing? Just make some kind of contact without him.

Because it could be not her who is being weird but him, or maybe even both in different ways. Maybe he doesn't want you to get too close to her (which could be a big warning sign).