MIL - What do I do?

[nitrox]

Hi everyone,

First time poster (not a troll!)

I don't really have a major issue with MIL, but it's starting to bug me now.

Bit of background. Been with DP for just over 2yrs now. I have met MIL around 3 times at her house when DP was still living at home and I had my own flat. He was 33! and I was 26 I think, so he was a bit of a mummy's boy. Atmosphere was very strained and although she made out she was fine, she would just talk about DP as a child or about the soaps on TV. Even when I picked DP up before my mums wedding weekend, she took no interest at all.

Anyhow, DP is very protecting of his mum (as we all are), but I feel like I'm getting the blame for not going round her house again for nearly a year now. We now live together and have done for the past 6 months, going mostly well, first few months were hard.

God, I'm rambling.

Right, well, she lives 3 miles away, has never been to our house, DP says she doesn't feel welcome (??), I've not been round there since last July '10 now and not really been invited either. DP goes after work.

When we first lived together he would lie about visiting his mum, making out that he had just left work, when he had actually left work earlier and been to visit. I have no problem with him visiting, or at least I hadn't.. and this happened on two occasions where I had found out he had been lying.

We went away at Xmas on holiday, over Xmas, was DP's idea as I was off Uni and he had a mandatory week off work. She turned her phone off so he couldn't speak to her at Xmas, and then weeks later said she had been unwell and that's why (bollox).

Anyhow, I feel very resentfull towards her, and also DP a little now too. Feel like I'm excluded from everything to do with them (my family are down south) and I've raised the issue a few times but only during arguments, and then DP says nothing afterwards of trying to build bridges, but still blames me I feel.

So sorry for the rambling.. I don't really know what I want from all this, just feel really insecure about it all and it's making me feel jealous/resentful of something, but really don't know what to do anymore. My mum says that maybe DP knows what she is like and is saving me anymore rejection from her but he doesn't want to admit it...

He denies she had a problem, but previously had said he's spoke to a work colleague about MIL issues with DIL's, and this guy said his mum 'came round to his wife', so how can he say there isn't an issue.

Can anyone help with my ramblings? I'm just digging myself into a hole about this and it isn't even that bad!!

Why wouldn't he want me to get close to her though?

I don't want people sorting things out for me, I do them myself, I'm very independant.

He's home now and obviously a little uptight.. hmm..

She's got holiday Euro's for us before which annoyed me as I see it all as part of the holiday excitement and want me and DP to go and do it.. also got us brochures and stuff.. I know it sounds petty but I hardly know her and this is all stuff I like doing as a couple.

Maybe it's me that's got the issue?!

Yes nitrox the more you reveal the more it does sound like your problem.

How would you feel about sending her a card just to say thank you for the egg, with your mobile number saying it would be nice to meet up for a natter sometime? She does sound like she is trying to hold out olive branches, if you and DP are in it for the long haul it would be a shame to ignore the efforts she's making. That doesn't mean I think you should get your car serviced by her garage but sending a thank you card won't take long and might be a useful opener.

Nitrox, from reading your posts . I have to say that I cannot blame her or your DP for avoiding you. You have met her all of three times and you write here with thinly veiled distain. Example:

I hate to say it, but she does seem a simple kind of person, not excited in anything as such, so it's going to be hard work, but I'm sure we could talk about something

How patronising. If she was my mother I would work hard for you not to have anything to do with her. He is probably protecting his mother.

Get over yourself.

Yes, a card is a great idea - thanks for that suggestion!

I'm just a bit wound up about it today I guess, normally I'm not as 'catty' as I am today..

I think I go from being upset, angry, confused and just unsure about it all.

I hope it's all a big misunderstanding and DP has just got himself in a pickle about sorting it out.

to me it sounds as if DP wants to keep you apart

Do you think he's told her that you are 'just' BF/GF, and not that you are co-habiting?

I meant simple as in enjoys the simple things in life, gardening etc.. I don't know her, so I don't know if she's simple in that way.

I've never said any of this to DP though, just about why she has been funny with me when I've been over, and trust me, I've been polite, and friendly and chatty, but get not a lot in return. Maybe she just isn't used to it?

She knows we live together for definate..

I dunno, I do have a bad attitude about it all, I am aware of that, but I feel like it's because I've had so many mixed messages and my attempts of being friendly have not been accepted..

Ok. However, you have inferred a lot from your few meetings with her. You may be completely right and she is just difficult and is resenting your relationship with her only child, or it may simply be a case of this situation being new to her. If this is your DP's first serious relationship then it shouldn't be a surprise that she is awkward in her handling of it. Try and see it from her point of view: she does not know you, she has had to say goodbye to her only child and if she is sensible then she knows that as time goes by his priority will cease being her but will become you...none of this will be easy for her. And when she tries to do stuff for you (the holiday vouchers, your car etc), I think (hope) it is coming from a good place - maybe that is what she has always done with her son and she will not know that you find it offensive and inappropriate.

My relationship with my MIL was a little shaky to begin with - he is the youngest and most favoured son, she had him later in life and because there is an age gap between me and DH, MIL is old enough to be my grandmother. I love adventure pursuits ,she doesn't, I am scatty and not very good at what was traditionally seen at 'female pursuits' and she is a brilliant hostess and cook. We are chalk and cheese. I thought we would never get on. My DH was in the forces when we first met so he could not help us. The first few meetings with her were uncomfortable and I could have sworn she did not like me. I was wrong. We had a lunch together, yes she did talk about her son a lot but I figured he was our common interest and it was a start. Soon we found we both liked the literature, theatre and opera; we also share a love of of all things equestrian. And she was genuinely interested in my 'crazy' hobbies. I was interested to learn about her upbringing and life as a young woman (she has had a very interesting life). We have grown to know each other and we love each very much. I spend more time with her than my DH does.

I am the youngest and only girl in my family and when I moved in with DH (my first and much older boyfriend), my mother was devastated. She was 'frosty duchess' with him for about a year. I do understand letting go of your children is hard - I have 4 DC, I dread the day they leave home.

As others have suggested do try to get to know her independent of your DP, if your genuine attempts are rebuffed then, you are right and it is a problem with her, at least you tried.