Working from home - AIBU?

[flowersandbubbles]

I moved in with my partner nearly a year ago.

He is an employee - a farm manager and he/we get a house provided free of charge.

DP has a converted barn as an office next to our house. It's big enough for a meeting with 4 or 5 people and has running water, heating, chairs and a kettle etc. It's a perfectly servicable office and meeting environment. The only thing it doesn't have is an office, although there is one in the farm buildings.

I work 4 days a week, so most of the time this doesn't affect me, but on my day off I am getting increasingly pee-ed off with DP just waltzing all and sundry into the house and making them a coffee and plonking themselves down in the front room. This sometimes happens at 7.30am so I always feel I have to be up and about from 7am even on my day off.

I have asked DP to "ask" me before he brings anyone into the house, reminding him that this is my home now too. We have argued about it and he keeps insisting this is what he has "always done". The people that he brings in are mainly sales reps, so it's not like he has to impress these people by giving them nice surroundings - they should be impressing him!

He now just carries on as before but "asks" me before hand knowing damn well that I won't say "no" and I just end up going out or hiding in the bedroom. I don't know why he doesn't understand that this upsets me?! Or am I being unreasonable seeing as the house comes with the job and I should just put up with it?

Sorry, the only thing his office doesn't have is a toilet, not "an office" as I put above.

i dont think yabu, should like he doesnt give a shit about your wishes

if i were you i would stay in my dressing gown and slippers and plonk myself down next to them with my cornflakes, switch jeremy kyle on and start heckling at the TV

should = sounds btw

He even said to me that these reps would think it really strange if all of a sudden he didn't bring them into the house, but they've even asked me how I feel about it! So I don't think they would be offended at all and with the greatest respect who is more important to keep happy - them or me?!

The thing is - you said he had to ask you, and now he does ask you and you say yes. He might be being deliberately awkward, but OTOH he may think that you would say No if it was a problem, and only wanted him to ask instead of doing it without asking.

He may not actually realise that you are upset - men aren't always that great at guessing, if you don't say things directly.

Have you actually said "I want to sit in my nightwear on my day off, and not have strangers around"?

Yes, I have said to him that I might be wandering around in my PJ's etc and that he should have the courtesy to ask me if he wants to invite people in, so of course, that is exactly what he does now, whilst having no comprehension that it offends me and if it's not necessary to bring them in and it's my day off, then he should stay in the office.

He tried to bring in 12 people the other morning at 8am and I said "no". Really don't think he should have considered bringing them in if he didn't need to. He makes out that I'm being really odd about this.

Sit in the lounge in your pj's then! So that when he does do it they see you and he is embarassed.

I'd walk round with a towel on just to show him how it is!

I wouldn't like it either, I need my privacy and like to be able to relax at home when I have a day off and not worry about interacting with anyone (unless I've chosen to invite them!).

Do you think with the house being related to his job, there's a dynamic of you being a guest in his house, rather than it being your equally shared home? Did he already live there when you moved in, or did you move in together?

I wonder too if you're giving the wrong impression by saying he should ask you first (and then saying yes, when clearly you actually mean no - but he can't read your mind!). If your position is that you do not want him to entertain work clients in your home at all, that it makes you uncomfortable and you absolutely do not want it to happen, then you should very clearly say that. At least then he knows how you feel, whether or not he chooses to go along with it!

Is he a bit slow to pick up on this sort of thing in general? I can't decide from how you describe it whether he's just being dim, or is being deliberately awkward

I think you need to sit him down and say that you don't want him to bring people into the house on your day off. At all. Ever. That what he did when he lived alone was up to him, but he now has to consider how you feel about it, and you are unhappy about not being able to treat the place as your home.

I don't think you're being unreasonable about it, when he has a perfectly pleasant office to have these people in.

I think he is pretending to be dim because it suits him and he wants to carry on as he has always done.

And yes, he has lived here for 15 yrs whereas I moved in last year, so I can see it's what he has always done but I have made sacrifices to move in with him so I only see it as fair that he does the same.

I think I have tried to be "nice" and tried to offer a compromise in hoping that he would think twice before he invites people in and then not do it when I am here, but he is simply doing what he wants while adding a "ask" in before hand.

Yes, I'm going to be tough now and say no more and if he still doesn't get the message, I'm going to start parading around in a towel!

I am going to go against the grain here, it goes with the territory of being a farm managers partner, just like the time I had to phone up our farm manager at 6.30 in the morning because the cows had got out and woke her up. Part and parcel.

And I agree with FGMID. Part of the deal with tied accommodation (think also of vicarages or lock keeper cottages) like this is that is also used for job-related activities. Otherwise, where is the benefit to his employer in allowing him to live there rent free, when instead it could be rented out commercially?

Are business visitors brought all over the house? Could you agree on a division so that certain spaces only are used as "public" spaces?

I also agree with fivegomad. It goes with the territory and while his office may be 'perfectly serviceable', it's not as comfy for your dp, is it? There's always cross-over when you work from home. I think it's something to get used to.

Another one here to agree with Fivegomadindorset. The thing you have to get used to on a farm is that everyone thinks you are available 24/7, your kitchen is where they can get a cup of tea and it's where all the business takes place even if you have a farm office like us. Our game keeper has got used to me opening the kitchen door in my dressing gown, in the same way I have got used to running upstairs at 7am to put clothes on because DH has brought a contractor in to discuss the spraying or for me to pay his bill.

It's part and parcel of the job/lifestyle. As others have suggested, can you limit things a bit by DH only bringing them into part of the house? We confine everyone to the kitchen so that we don't have to have our private space invaded. It was a rule I made when PIL moved out (family farm, they retired, I moved in) that visitors only went into the kitchen. especially with their muddy boots and shit encrusted clothes It took me a while to train DH that I was right and he is wrong to establish things, but now it works OK.

Can you make the office comfier? Sofa etc?

I think you just have to keep remembering that it is your space too, and carry on as normal (unless you normally sit watching tv naked, that is, there are limits). If he doesn't like it, he can use the office.

Dh works from home a lot, and it's hard. We have a perfectly servicable office room, that he won't use cos it is a garage conversion and has no windows. So he sits at the kitchen table with his laptops, and his phone earpiece. I used to keep the kids quiet and out of the way, and then I realised that actually, he could use the office. Now we do playdoh and baking at the table with him . If it bothers him, he moves to a bedroom. And then when the toddler arrives to play, he moves to a different one.

Sometimes his business partner works at our kitchen table too. I figure he's seen women in their dressing gowns before ...

Thanks for the extra replies and a different perspective.

I grew up on a farm myself, albeit a smaller enterprise but I only remember people coming to the door and generally just standing in the porch!

I moved in with the expectation that people would come and go at all hours and that we are "on call" all the time, I suppose what I didn't anticipate is that all and sundry would be in the house all the time making me feel very uncomfortable.

I suppose a compromise is in order and I would like it if he could at least try and give fair warning - what I really hate is being in the middle of something like painting my toenails and then 6 blokes walk in and sit around me! I suppose I just want him to realise that I am here too and that my needs are at least as important to those of him and the farm!

It would bother me too if there wasn't at least an apologetic acknowledgment that I was being disturbed, I think. Does he just ignore you and get straight down to business?

Yes, he does pretty much ignore me. Doesn't matter what I'm doing, he's going to come in and push me out. Of course, the guest is always very polite and I always make an effort to chat and be polite but I feel it's made clear that DP is here now and I must scurry along. That's what I am struggling with. More of the attitude than what is actually happening.

Ditch the towel and go naked?

Can you make the office more attractive? Has it got tea making and cleaning-up facilities, good supply of biscuits, comfy seats, table to sit at, etc.

As a previous poster says, can you make the kitchen "public" but the lounge "private"?

I grew up on a farm and was quite used to people parked up at the kitchen table for meetings at all hours of the day. Mum was very traditional though and just got on with making tea and getting out the cake tins. Maybe in her case she had the traditional role of the farmer's wife supporting the family business. Whereas you are the farmer's partner and you have your own career. Perhaps your DP is just assuming that you will fall into the traditional role?

(How many times can you use "traditional" in one paragraph? [cblush])

Being the partner of a farmer myself, we dont even HAVE an office (well actually we dont even have a farmhouse, we have to use PIL's) I know that all meetings take place in the house. MIL has tried to draw the line with FIL in the past, but she still ends up with up to 12 people in her open plan home every week during the shooting season, and recently we have taken over and thats involved alot of meetings, and they have all taken place in the house, though we have always let her know what time it is. As others have said, it goes with the territory Im afraid. We are building an office, probably around the same size os your OH's, but meetings will still be in the house, as its a much more comfortable place to be.

I agree with frida - your space, your day off - NAKED TIME! [cgrin]

I'm with the ones that have experience of the situ (tho I dont) but if it annoyed me that my partner was bringing people into my accomodation at 7 am (btw I would never be up at 7am and anyone that is on their day off is totally off their trolley - ROFL) I would simply stay in my bed till a more reasonable hour eg 9 am or past. If thats not a goer with you then just go around in PJ's/towel and see what is said.

It sounds to me like there's a bit of a power struggle going on here, and that's what bothers you more than the actual visitors coming in - it's the way your DP seems to be putting you in your place and making it clear that he is the person in ths house and you are an appendage. Does he speak to you condescendingly or belitle you in front of the visitors, by any chan ce?

I once didn't marry a farmer because of this! Most days, his mum made breakfast for about 20 people at 7am - having been up at 5 to do the family tea & toast. I did love him, and his family; they were gutted when I told them. Though they were well aware I was constitutionally unsuited to the role!

You're clearly made of stronger stuff than me, OP, so I'm sure you'll be able to figure out a workable compromise. How about he brings you breakfast in bed while he's doing their coffee?