Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Are we unusual

52 replies

queenebay · 27/04/2011 12:00

Talking to a couple of mums in plaground today and they are moaning how useless their husbands are, how they cant stand when dh is off for a weeks holidays, how he annoys them when he phones from work.
I am completly the opposite. I lOVE it when my dh is off work, we hardly ever fight--we bicker but not huge rows where we dont speak for a week. He phones me several times a day to see how I am and to check on kids.
Starting to think we are a bit weird in that we enjoy each others company and lik spending time together.
We've been together 20 years so not as though we are new lovers who cant keep away from each other. He's my best friend in the world.
are we weird or are my friends??

OP posts:
DrunkenDaisy · 27/04/2011 12:03

I'm like you are with my DH, but i know that my Mum was like your friend.

mrsravelstein · 27/04/2011 12:06

nope, i'm like with DH, always love it if he's at home, or even just working from home so we can have a cup of coffee together...

orangehead · 27/04/2011 12:10

We sound similar. My dh rings me everyday at 11 at his break and we text each other a couple of times throughout the day. However we only been married 3 years but hope we still like you in 20 years.
I also find it very odd when people can't stand it when thier husband is off work

upahill · 27/04/2011 12:14

I feel the same as you. I am thrilled DH is off work (although that means he isn't earning !)

He and the boys fuss over me and make sure i'm looked after well. He does more than his fair share of housework and childcare to allow me a lot of freedom.

I am in bed atm recovering from an accident and the amount of tenderness and concern he showed after the accident (he saw it happen) has really touched me. He spent ages doing first aid and making sure the boys helped (which to be fair they were doing with out prompts)
He is up and downstairs with drinks and painkillers, he has sorted the boys revision homework and all the washing is pegged out.

We have been together 21 years this year and he is great.

I see some of my friends go from car crash relationship to another and one keeps waiting for her alky bf to die Shock

I posted on relationships the last week about people ending up in bad relationships and wondered how they ended up there. I knew from the first few dates that Dh would share housework, was kind, didn't put women down and so on. Some of my friends could see the faults with their partners but thought it wouldn't bother them or they would change then wondered why their partners didn't.

madonnawhore · 27/04/2011 12:17

Not unusual. Lucky :)

How nice that you've still got such a great relationship with your DH after all these years.

I'm envious in a good way.

BadPoet · 27/04/2011 12:17

I love having dh home from work, so your friends ABU there.

But it would irritate me to be phoned so regularly during the day. So they ANBU there. Grin

If it works for you though, great!

ginnny · 27/04/2011 12:25

Yes you are lucky - especially after such a long time.
I love my bf to bits and we don't argue, but I get stressy if we are together for a long period of time without a break (like the long easter weekend just gone) but I think that is just the way I am - I like my space and I like being on my own. If I'm surrounded by people for too long I get irritated and edgy and crave a bit of me time!!!
We have only been together 7 months but I have been like this in every relationship I have ever had.

COCKadoodledooo · 27/04/2011 13:17

In the past, I'd probably have been like your friends, but now we are/I am v definitely like you and I love it Grin

(Same bloke, same marriage - 13 years this summer - but different circumstances now).

FreudianSlipOnACrown · 27/04/2011 13:25

We are like you.

DH has been off work with a prolapsed disc since September and everyone keeps asking how we can stand to be around each other all the time! Erm, because we love each other and love spending time together.

Despite the injury he still does more housework, childcare and general participating in family life than a lot of other fathers I know, and complains a lot less!

Things are stressful due to the pain he's in and lack of money but it's made us rethink our lives - we've never been money motivated anyway but we are going to change our working patterns to have more family time.

Ephiny · 27/04/2011 13:28

I guess I'm in between - I love DP's company, he's my best friend and we get on very well and never really argue, would never dream of moaning about him to other people or calling him useless (which he's not anyway- he's a whirlwind of activity on bank holiday weekends and similar, sorting out the garden, doing load after load of laundry, tidying up etc). I'm horrified at the way some people on here and in real life talk about/to their partners, I don't see the point in being with someone if you clearly don't like or respect them very much.

But - I need time and space to myself, it would drive me crazy if he was phoning me several times a day for no good reason. Fortunately he 'gets' how I am (and is similar himself tbh) so we get along fine!

BertieBotts · 27/04/2011 13:57

I think that, sadly, it is unusual to be in a good relationship like you clearly have. Not in a bad way, of course, but there are a huge number of people who just settle, or think relationships like yours don't really exist, or excuse a lot of faults of their DHs as "Just what men are like". I expect a lot of this has filtered down the generations from a time when a "good man" was one who did not beat you. You get a lot of your early relationship expectations from your mum and other female relatives, e.g. sisters, who in turn will be influenced by their (older) female relatives. It took me an outside view (reading about people's relationships on blogs, reading mumsnet) to realise not all men did X or Y and most people would run a mile if their partner did certain things which I would always find excuses for, or take for granted, or think I could fix. And also that men who are kind and gentle and - well, just respectful! - that they did exist and they weren't always boring, and not just exist so much as exist in any kind of number which meant I was likely to meet one. I found a diary entry I wrote when I was seventeen and spent a night with this guy I really liked, neither of us were wearing anything other than pants, but all we did was kiss, he never once tried anything else, and for this I decided he had "unmatched respect for women" ie I never thought I'd find anyone like him ever. I was gutted when he said actually I don't think we should go out because I'm still not over my ex. But honestly, until I was in my twenties, the only men I knew who were as respectful as he was, were gay.

I think also people in general (especially women) are much more critical of themselves than they are others, even putting others on a pedestal, especially if your self esteem is low. So while you are quite aware of your own faults, you tend to overlook quite massive faults in potential partners, thinking "well I've got my faults, he's got his, we're quite a good match really" and fail to notice that not only do his faults massively outweigh yours, but that he has faults you didn't even realise because you were looking at him through rose tinted specs. (Genders can be reversed - was using for simplicity)

BertieBotts · 27/04/2011 13:57

FFS this italic thing is driving me mad!

RoyalFucker · 27/04/2011 14:02

Contrary to public (and MN) opinion, not all men are lazy, useless, disrespectful twats

It seems somehow "cool" to moan about your bloke, but really, what is the point ? I don't expect these women would be very pleased to hear their OH's moaning about them, would they ?

if you have an issue, sort it out with the person concerned, I just roll my eyes when listening to the same old complaints in RL (abusive/controlling situations aside)

Ephiny · 27/04/2011 14:05

Yes I hate hearing 'oh that's just how men are' - maybe some men, like some women, are inclined to be selfish and lazy given the opportunity, that's no reason to excuse and encourage the behaviour when the person happens to be male...

JeffTracy · 27/04/2011 14:07

RF - the trouble is, some of us are useless - can't help it Grin

Ephiny · 27/04/2011 14:09

Maybe, but you're not useless because you're a man.

I'm pretty useless myself, as DP would probably tell you, but I don't have that particular excuse :)

RoyalFucker · 27/04/2011 14:11

jeff, you are useless when it suits you to be...yes ?

or when you are told that you are

playing up to stereotypes is bollocks

RoyalFucker · 27/04/2011 14:12

forgot the Smile Wink

that sounds more aggressive than it meant

MooMooFarm · 27/04/2011 14:13

I'm like you OP but sadly I'm literally the only person I know in RL who doesn't constantly slate her H.

We don't have arguments, just bicker a bit sometimes. At risk of over simplifying, we are just very compatible. We are both laid back and easy going and compliment each other's personalities. When he is off work I love it, he does all the things he doesn't usually get time to do - and when he isn't off work he still does as much as I do with the children and around the house.

Friends and family do say that he's lovely, but then in the same sentence will make some jokey remark about him maybe being an alien or 'definitely a different species of man!' ha ha. I think it's sad that most of the women I know in RL have such a low opinion of men. And it's sad that so many people I know are clearly not happy in their relationships.

Part of me wonders if they are all genuinely unhappy or if they just like moaning...

MooMooFarm · 27/04/2011 14:15

That's just reminded me - the other day in the school playground a mum said to me 'I don't think I've ever heard you moaning about your H!'. But she said it in a really accusatory tone - as if I was the strange one....

noodle69 · 27/04/2011 14:21

I think you are pretty normal thats what I am like with my husband, my parents are etc. I dont think its unusual to be in a relationship like that at all. Loads of people I know are like what you describe.

Original poster
queenebay · 27/04/2011 14:43

Thanks all for the replies. I'm glad its not just me. On nights out with my mummy friends they all slate their dh's even saying I cant stand it when he touchs me in bed. I love sex with my husband and also just love cuddling up to him in bed-one of my friends said she couldnt stand her dh touching her in bed even for a cuddle. We always wake up wrapped around each other.
I dont proclaim to have a perfect relationship--we do argue but its usully forgotten , we have issues like other people but at the end of the day hes my soulmate.
I read on here how people stay in abusive relationships and it makes me shudder. Everyone deserves a loving relationship.

Oh well off to phone him now and see what he wants for his dinner !

OP posts:
boodles · 27/04/2011 17:23

I love it when I can spend time with my husband. We have been married nearly 12 years and have three kids and I am always looking forward to seeing him. Infact I enjoy it so much that I have just started working with him, and it's great. So many people have asked me how I can work with him and how it would 'do their head in' to spend all that time with their partner. It does make me wonder. I guess I am fortunate to have a fantastic husband who is my best friend and soul mate.

ProfYaffle · 27/04/2011 17:29

We're like this too, been together 11 years and showing no signs of getting tired of each other. Like MooMooFarm, I think we're just fundamentally compatible, we also have very laid back personalities. The dc are the same, which I think is interesting because dd1 has my personality and dd2 has dh's. They seem to be as compatible as we are. We often comment on how we're a very self sufficient little unit.

onehotmomma · 27/04/2011 17:49

Been we DH for 12 yrs married 9 next month and I love it when he is home Grin