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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Are we unusual

52 replies

queenebay · 27/04/2011 12:00

Talking to a couple of mums in plaground today and they are moaning how useless their husbands are, how they cant stand when dh is off for a weeks holidays, how he annoys them when he phones from work.
I am completly the opposite. I lOVE it when my dh is off work, we hardly ever fight--we bicker but not huge rows where we dont speak for a week. He phones me several times a day to see how I am and to check on kids.
Starting to think we are a bit weird in that we enjoy each others company and lik spending time together.
We've been together 20 years so not as though we are new lovers who cant keep away from each other. He's my best friend in the world.
are we weird or are my friends??

OP posts:
ScaredOfCows · 27/04/2011 18:22

This is a lovely thread. We are the same - together for 27 years. I always wonder about other peoples relationships when they constantly moan about each other. Before my Dad retired, my mother whined on and on about how he would be under her feet all day and she didn't know how she would cope with it. I used to tell her that her attitude was really awful, but she just used to say 'wait until you're older, then you'll see', but I can't ever remember her being any different.

Doha · 27/04/2011 20:12

Together 31 years ( we were 17) and married 26. He is my other half and l don't feel right without him being there.
I worry sometimes if anything happened to him how would l cope as l have never had to fend for myself and feel anxious when he is not about. I spend the majority of my time when not at work with him, and he never fails to make me laugh or smooth away my worries.
I know l am one very lucky person--but then so is he coz l am brilliant Smile

davidtennantsmistress · 27/04/2011 20:21

well DP & I have only been together for a year, however I love him being at home off work - hate him being away for more than a night or two with a passion, (even though he's forces so away a lot). Mkaes me laugh every day smile every day, and the best bit (which I was wondering - is this bit normal..... find him sexier every time I look at him) not sure if that's lust/different view or what, but something small like a smile will make me weak a the knees. (not that I admit that lol)

must say it's a very very refreshing change after 8.5 years with an abusive XH who is still the same - and he was the sort where i'd not moan to friends about him, but would hate him having time off work, would look forward to him going away (again forces), and in the end didn't want any physical contact. and tbh we probably got married when we should have split.

anyhow it's fab to hear all you girls still loving your DH's dearly after so long. and the sexier thing - does that stay as well?!? :o

bigbumum · 27/04/2011 20:29

together 19 years and i adore him.

we have never had any huge rows. we have had occasional cross words, but we get on so well.

like we were made for each other.

he amazes me with the way he is with our son, and how he would rather stay in with me & our boy any day of the week without exception.

I can tbelieve he loves me so much because i am so NOT the person he 1st fell in love with,ive got fat & wrinkly and quite glum too. But he tells me all the time and cant keep his hands off me.
He is my lovely Grin

NinkyNonker · 27/04/2011 20:59

We bicker, as we are at the moment, but fundamentally we are best friends. We enjoy each other's company, and spend a lot of time together compared to most couples as I don't work and DH has weeks off at a time. Just how we like it! We are actively looking to set up a business to work together in the next few years. We're pretty self sufficient, though do have friends, family etc.

We do wind each other up a treat though at times!

lazarusb · 27/04/2011 22:42

We have been together 16 years and we'd be together 24/7 if we could. We compliment one another so well. I feel blessed. He is my rock, couldn't imagine life without him in it. He is happy for me to be me, to be independent, to pursue my career. We laugh all the time and we are so lucky.

EttiKetti · 27/04/2011 22:50

Another very happy one here :) we don't even bicker really.... but agree it seems husband bashing is rife in my circle too!

googoomama · 27/04/2011 23:31

All lucky, obviously not that unusual as there are so many of you. Pleased for all of you - my mum and dad are the same. Still feel slightly sick though, in a horrible bitter, twisted, divorced type of way Grin. Being in an abusive relationship is not something anyone chooses and it's not easy to get out of one, plus it really scars you for years afterwards, even when you think you're fine. On the plus side, at least I don't have to phone someone to find out what they want for dinner. Maybe that's where I went wrong Hmm

googoomama · 27/04/2011 23:33

And now I am going to crawl back to the lone parents threads, as it's a bit like Stepford here and I'm turning into a bitch.

upahill · 28/04/2011 10:56

I think it is good to have a thread like this in relationships once in a while tbh.
If you read the majority of the other threads it would be easy to think bad relationships are the norm and it would be foolish to enter a relationship!

Not all partnerships end in doom.

Smum99 · 28/04/2011 11:14

We're the same - DH had time off work for Easter and it was wonderful, just spending time together, doing family stuff. After 10 years we still like each other which is important. We also have fun together laughing and being silly.

Googomama, Don't give up, my first relationship was not positive. I spent some years on my own, learned why I had choose the destructive relationship and created a new life for myself (with DCs). Dh came along, absolutely not my usual type but I was in the stage of saying Yes to invites. We got on so well. Took me 2 years however to believe that it would remain positive (as the previous relationship did scar my thinking and made me nervous).
We're have some difficulties but have managed to get through them and the difference is we can communicate and manage to resolve problems - which was never possible in my 1st relationship.

Bumpsadaisie · 28/04/2011 11:58

Not at all. DH and I get on much better the more time we spend together.

His theory is that when we leave each other during the working week we subconsciously feel cross and abandoned by each other and so we get on less well!

(DH is a psychotherapist as you might have guessed!)

googoomama · 28/04/2011 12:03

Good point Smum. I fell into a couple of relationships after my divorce which were repeating patterns I had already set (although thankfully without the verbal abuse) but essentially the same kind of men. I have now spent time on my own, learnt to love my life with the children and relish being with friends and family who love me, as well as learning about myself, who I am and what I really want in a relationship. I think it's very important to understand how a bad relationship has affected you and to build self esteem (which takes a long long time) before you can be open to the right person who is going to treat you well and give you respect. I found that I recovered quite quickly in most areas of my life but when I entered a relationship I was still easily undermined and "grateful" for a partner's attention. Now I feel much stronger and unwilling to accept anything but a healthy relationship. Hopefully one day I will be able to start a thread like this :)

piellabakewell · 28/04/2011 12:23

Like ginnny I have always wanted time to myself in previous relationships. However, now I'm with someone else and I would spend 24 hours a day with him if I could. We went away for four days at new year and it dawned on me on the third day that I had not had a minute to myself and yet I didn't mind a bit. We have eleven days together in the summer and I can't wait. He went away on business a few days ago and isn't back til the end of next week, the longest we have been apart since we met. We are emailing and texting and talking every day, but as well as that when he left he took with him eleven cards I had written, one for every day that we are apart. I've never wanted to do that for anyone before!

lazarusb · 28/04/2011 19:46

googoomama I was in an abusive for 6 years before I met DH. It really focused my mind as to what I was looking for in a relationship and what I would/wouldn't accept anymore. It will really help you sort the wheat from the chaff when you are ready. (I never thought I'd ever have a relationship like the one I have now).

bbird1 · 28/04/2011 19:51

Ive read this thread all way through and reckon most of you are lying out of your arses.

COCKadoodledooo · 28/04/2011 20:04

Why so bbird1?

upahill · 28/04/2011 20:21

I'm not lying.

I also watch my mum and dad laugh and make plans together and enjoy life with each other after 47 years.

My nan had to let my grandad go into a home last year and she misses all the kind things and laughs they had together 76 years (grandad 97 on Sunday)

Loads of happy people about.

yama · 28/04/2011 20:35

My parents have been together for 38 years and don't like being apart. My Dad really looks after my Mum.

I adore my dh. Any time off we have is precious and we like to spend it together with the dc. I really couldn't be with someone I didn't respect and I couldn't respect anyone who didn't respect me (too many 'respects' there).

FoofffyShmoofffer · 28/04/2011 20:44

My DH has gone back to work after being at home 24/7 for the last 10 years. It's all either of us have known and I am lonely in the day without him here. It's taken longer than I thought to adjust. We chat, laugh and like the same things. We have a great relationship.

So yes OP there are couples out there just like youSmile

EttiKetti · 28/04/2011 22:28

Oh my, googoomama, I've been where you are, didn't marry that twat thank god, but stayed single for 6 years after I left Dd1s father.....

But I really appreciate my now DH all the more for it I think (and he, me Wink).

ProfYaffle · 29/04/2011 06:45

Another one here who's had a terrible relationship in the past, no dv, not exactly abusive but controlling, demeaning and demoralising. I thank everything that's holy that we didn't have children together. Maybe that makes me appreciate dh even more, maybe his brain tumour (successfully treated) makes me thankful for the time we have together.

Whatever it is, I'm not lieing. And when I do lie, I don't do it out of my arse Hmm

googoomama · 29/04/2011 09:40

Nice to hear another success story and glad your dh is now ok Prof.

bbird1 · 29/04/2011 15:03

COCKadoodledooo - why? because most of the people ive ever met who are in great relationships dont feel a compelling need to have a big smugfest about it in public or, indeed, on public forums.

COCKadoodledooo · 29/04/2011 16:00

Oh. I don't see smugfest, I see posters who've responded to the op. I don't expect many (ok, can only speak for myself really) would mention it otherwise. I certainly don't feel the need. Doesn't make me a liar because I posted on here though.