the last 9 years of my life are based on a pack of lies... how do I deal with that?

[humptydidit]

Left abusive exH at christmas. Now 4 months down the line, have started my life again and am moving on and healing... or I thought I was. As time goes by I have found out more and more of the things ex told me about himself were lies... Not just bending the truth but totally made up.

It has bugged me all of last night and today and now I realise that I have spent the last 9 years of my life with a stranger who I really knew nothing about... It is a frightening thought and has really shaken me. What's worse is how elaborate the lies are... for example he told me about a house he used to own, with so many details down to the colour of the walls in the downstairs toilet etc etc... turns out he never had that house or any other for that matter. He says he had a terrible bike accident leaving him hospitalised for several months... turns out it never happened. He says he caught his ex cheating on him, found her in bed with the bloke and he beat the crap out of him and went to jail for 9 months... turns out to be all made up.

Part of me thinks, what a mug for believing any of it but I still can't get over the fact that I actually know nothing about him and why the hell did he make all this stuff up????

That is so odd.

How do you know for sure they are really lies?

Well first of all instead of beating yourself up you should be congratulating yourself on having had the strengh to leave the relationship and reclaim your life. What you have done is amazing and you need to be kind to yourself while you heal and move forward.

I honestly don't think in situations like this it helps to keep thinking 'why, how and what if'. It keeps you stuck and prevents you moving on. Your ex is clearly a man who has lot's of very complex, deep rooted issues. Instead of wasting your time feeling anger, feel sorry for him because he is clearly a very disturbed individual.

You aren't a mug, you are a loving person who naturally believed what the man she loved was telling her. Take from it the things you need in order to not go down the same road again but do not beat yourself up.

Again well done for getting away from this man and all the best for your new life. This is the start of your future so make it a good one, only you can do it and I'm sure you will

hrhm sorry to bring it all back!! I know I just need to see it for what it is... a load of crap and move on. It's just a bit raw just now when the truth keeps coming out and out and out.

roseflower i know what is true now, I have met up with 2 of his ex's (a bit wierd I know) and some other people who knew him way back and tbh it all makes a lot more sense now. None of these people I spoke to know eachother, it's not another one of his games iyswim.

Yes I do have 3 kids by him and he has another 4 that I now know of... It just gets worse. He is a serial arse hole and we are sooooooo much better off without him. I feel so sad for my kids tho who in their innocense are missing their daddy, but I know that once they are older they will understand and for their own opinion.

thanks ladies for such nice comments

I have lots of support here from womens aid and elsewhere and am desparately waiting to start the freedom programe in May which I think will help me to go over it and start to lay it all to rest.

I think you're right, I am a trusting person, i'm not stupid, but maybe a bit naive, i just feel like a bit of a mug tbh!

OP - he was gaslighting you.

He may have NPD.

Be gentle on yourself.

Agree very much with Fork.

forkful and digs trust me I realise that I am well out of it and must never go back. Tbh there is no danger of me going back, I am now unable to even look at him without feeling physically sick thinking of all the poisonous things he has done to me and others

off to bed now, feel better for having got that all off my chest

humptydidit, I know where you're coming from, I found out after 25 years that the person I was married to wasn't who I thought he was, I can't begin to recount the lies he told me and our son, he went from having his own business, being mr respectable to stealing from friends and family and being arrested for running a brothel. Looking back I never met anyone he knew, he was a completely different person to everyone so he couldn't ever have me and any of them in the same room if that makes sense. After he walked out I spoke to one or two people and started to piece it all together, from their comments I'd have thought they were talking about someone else completely. He even kept his son and I away from his family, he'd make nasty comments about them and as far as I knew we were never invited to any family events, my son barely knew his grandparents, I found out he'd been telling them for we couldn't see them as I didn't want to!! Their opinion of me was zero, I had no idea as we never saw them.
You do feel a mug, you feel completely cheated as if your life has been stolen and you can't get it back, I've tried to think back and see what was real and what wasn't. I went so far back I gave up and have written the whole thing off mentally, we were together from teenagers and I can't recall one happy, honest memory. You're well out of it, I hope you can dust yourself down and carry on, know what you mean when you say you feel physically sick.

There are many of these guys and gals around. My ex told me (complete with letter from a doctor) that he had breast cancer and it was so rare that he could only be treated by a doctor in Gloucester. Turns out he was planning a trip away with his lover to the Cotswolds. This lie was weeks in the building starting with a fictitious trip to the doctors through to diagnosis. There were many others like this through the 11 years we were together but this was just the cruelest as my sister had died of cancer the year before. I felt the same as you as though a significant part of my life was built on lies. You'll get through this and forgive yourself for not identifying it sooner. Your integrity is not in any doubt; he has none.

Another one with the same T-Shirt! Humpty, you are not alone.

We may feel stupid for a while, but that will pass. These wankers are the ones that really ARE stupid, and there is no chance they will ever be anything other than stupid.

Apparently I was in a mental institute for FIVE YEARS, according to ex. He has apparently slept with 249 women and is having an affair with a colleagues wife, but planning to marry his mistresses sister....

It's not us, it's them. Normal people TRUST. That's it. It's as simple at that. We were normal. THEY were the ones that weren't.

ohgawdherewegoagain: oh my, was that Dr Foster in Gloucester? how utterly ridiculous, with a Drs letter?? it beggars belief, really!

Our humour will set us free, laugh at them, they are ridiculous. Our only crime was to trust them, they abused that trust.

Please those that still struggle, forgive yourselves, these people are not worth our confusion, our incredulity, they are simply mentally ill and yes, they are now strangers to us.

Thinking about it, you are right, you have to laugh about it, it's not worth crying over. some of these lies were actuaally quite funny...
Like when he told me the name of his solicitor is Dolland and Aitchison.... I said "really" he says "yeah, I've got the letter here" I just laughed out loud and said "errr, sorry to tell you but that's an optician!!!" He put the phone down on me but at least I got a good laugh out of it!!

PMSL humpty~! Dolland & Aitchison... I can't type for laughing!

Come on peeps - what's the funniest lie we've been told - let's get the TEARS OF LAUGHTER flowing! [cgrin]

When my exH ran away he told me he was poisonous, that he ruined lives, that ds and I were better off without him and that he was just going to disappear and take a heroin overdose.

Designed to elicit my sympathy of course.

Ironically the first three lines were very true.

The last two however, were BIG whoppers: he in fact 'disappeared' to Chiang Mai in Thailand, taking all our available cash and draining my overdraft to the tune of ten thousand quid, enrolled on a Tesol course on the back of a pack of lies and proceeded to shag lots of prostitutes while moving in with a Burmese girl.

It was very UNfunny at the time and nearly bloody killed me, but it's hilarious now.

Stupid bastard.

Pip pip!

i was seeing a guy turned out to be married. in the space of 3 months ...

we had been seeing each other for a few weeks took me to beautiful spa hotel in yorkshire but had to get home early as his son has been expelled from school, then came back the next day

we went to paris, a few days later he was rushed to hospital with heart pains and had surgery (he actually bandaged himself up) asked me not to visit as his children and parents were there and he felt it was too soon for them to meet me and not the right time

we were due to go to france the day before his sister was rushed to hospital, she lived in switzerland (had told me this before) and cancer had been traced, next day he called me inconsolable his sister had passed away in the night :( obviously i did not see him for a week due to the funeral and he needed to be there for his family. her death sadly caused lots of arguments as her husband wanted her buried there and his parents wanted her buried here and he was so upset regarding his niece and nephew who he was often with when he called me though they sounded surprisingly happy considering they had just lost their mum

i finally realised something was really not right (or the penny finally dropped)was when were were on holiday in italy (5 days) and he had 3 suits with him. i asked him why and he said as he had booked the best restaurant in venice (which he had) he thought he woudl have to wear a suit. also he kept going off for long walks to let me get ready, sleep in, get an ice cream, get a newspaper. also stayed out of the sun (he tanned very easily) as his chest was still tender from the surgery (scar looked suspiciously old)

we got back from this trip the next day i got a call from his wife she thought he was on a business trip to russia, explains the staying out of the sun and the suits. you be happy to hear his sister is very well and happily living in kent somewhere with her children and husband, he had no heart problems, his son was doing fine at school :o

Humpty I feel for you, I lived with a guy for 4 years & it was pretty much the same with him - possibly worse as he was also a crook (tried to sell my house for cash to a builder he worked for) & he stalked me for months after I finally kicked him out

I was left with a lot of questions, over what was true & what wasn't & feeling so stupid for not seeing through it all, over & over in my head, drove myself nuts, it shook the very core of my confidence, because I felt I couldn't even trust my own instincts any more.

The stalking thing was done in such a bizarre way (things like breaking into my flat at night & quietly moving my furniture around, or stealing 1 shoe) I the Police wouldn't take it seriously & actually started to question my sanity & THAT pushed me to seek counselling - it was the best thing I ever did

She made me realise that it was him that had mental issues, not me & that in believing in him I wasn't weak, or stupid, but that he obviously had a deep seated personality disorder & believed in it himself, she helped me to see, that by lying daily about inconsequential things, that made absolutely no sense but to believe in, as no point in going to the trouble of lying about something so silly, he conditioned me to question my instincts, so when the big lies came I automatically didn't trust my instinct & believed him

I suspect this is the same with you, because this is how these people work - that doesn't make you weak or stupid, nor them clever, just very very damaged in a way that you have likely not dealt with before, so you were ill equipped to see it for what it was :)

see if you can book a few sessions with a recommended counsellor, its not weak to do that, but it will help give you coping techniques & help you see it for what it was & move on :)

I still don't know most of the answers as far as my exes past goes, what was truth & what was lies - his name for example wasn;t even real - but it doesn't matter one bit to me now, it won't to you either in time & IME counselling can help that time come sooner

good luck :)

it's making me laugh just thinking about some of the crap mine came out with, I can see now he used to come through the door with a lie coming out of his mouth usually when he was late and had been up to no good, it was to fend off any awkward questions, get in first with a whopper;
he'd had Madonna on the phone, ditto Bill Gates, he'd had a conversation with a royal about courgettes, he saw a ghost, he prevented an assault and had to go to Scotland Yard to make a statement, someone dropped dead in a lift, he was pulled over by the police 'for looking Irish'. One of his favourite ones was a wonderful dentist he'd found who would do any amount of treatment for a fixed price of £30, he went there a lot.
His bank card got swallowed by the machine on a regular basis, really he was soooo unlucky with financial institutions poor thing, usually on a friday so he'd sponge off me for the weekend.
Having long involved conversations on the phone to the mortgage lender when the house was about to be repossesed, making it sound like he was sorting it out just fine then me calling the phone he was using and it rang.
Him telling his new girlfriend he'd slept with 1,000 prostitutes (she was one of them) and that our house had been raided by dozens of police who kicked the door in and he'd broken one of their wrists in the ensuing fight, that he was about to be extradited to the US for computer hacking. Tons more. Crikey what a nutjob.

i was so stupid though, thought i was in love got back together he left his wife, well not really told her he needed space. he was very controlling and obsessive and a bully, this carried off and on and i finally moved on and he had a nervous breakdown

it was all very horrible i cringe at myself and the thought of him but the lies are though pathetically sad hilarious that someone would go that far

oh yes my ex used to come into my flat and move things about when i was at work. i jsut knew he had been there. i think he was looking for the jewellery that he had given me that of course i should have given back once we split

he used to leave the toilet seat up, i never ever leave the seat up

i am trying to think of other lies, thing is with the lies the stories are always so elaborate and they will never admit to lying

humptydidit This is weird but can you please tell me if initials were MB because my ex told me those EXACT lies.... I split from him 8 years ago and I still have problems trusting people because of how he made me feel.
To this day something will happen and I will realise another thing he told me was a lie... like, there were so many that i took for granted as true, and you feel really stupid when you realise it wasnt..