the last 9 years of my life are based on a pack of lies... how do I deal with that?

[humptydidit]

Left abusive exH at christmas. Now 4 months down the line, have started my life again and am moving on and healing... or I thought I was. As time goes by I have found out more and more of the things ex told me about himself were lies... Not just bending the truth but totally made up.

It has bugged me all of last night and today and now I realise that I have spent the last 9 years of my life with a stranger who I really knew nothing about... It is a frightening thought and has really shaken me. What's worse is how elaborate the lies are... for example he told me about a house he used to own, with so many details down to the colour of the walls in the downstairs toilet etc etc... turns out he never had that house or any other for that matter. He says he had a terrible bike accident leaving him hospitalised for several months... turns out it never happened. He says he caught his ex cheating on him, found her in bed with the bloke and he beat the crap out of him and went to jail for 9 months... turns out to be all made up.

Part of me thinks, what a mug for believing any of it but I still can't get over the fact that I actually know nothing about him and why the hell did he make all this stuff up????

freudian good god!!! times ten.

AND rockinhippy flippin heck!

They are so damn good at lying and so damn convincing. Its awful. My exH is now a threat to women in thailand but nobodty checked his references. He even had the gall to put one real one on there - he must have done his homework.

When I rang the Tesol school in Chiang mai to warn them, they said basically that if they checked the refs of every western forties man who wanted to enrol on their (expensive) course they would have no students.

pickyourbrain have pm'd you!

I'm another one - lived with a man who, amongst other lies, completely invented three kids as the perfect excuse to disappear at the drop of a hat - obviously to go and shag god knows who. He lied about so many things: previous business ventures which turned out never to have been, how much money he had, people he said he knew, places he said he'd owned and lived. He said such outlandish things, I'm amazed I didn't realise - things like his bank accounts had been frozen by a huge ongoing court case. Of course, there was no court case - his accounts weren't frozen, they were just empty. The astonishing thing wasn't that he lied - it was that he wove those lies so seamlessly, subtly and convincingly into every moment of the day. By going public on this on my company's blog, I've got in touch with lots of other people who he shafted over the years, male and female. Turns out he's got some pervy thing about getting women pregnant then abandoning them, too - thankfully I was spared that horror. I've let go of my end of the rope a long time ago, but I expect he can't stand the thought of me not caring, so he's still posting ranty, mental blog posts about how deviant and violent I apparently am. The police have been great, though, which has been sanity-saving.

Lots of these stories sound amazingly familiar - are any of these men with the initials RT?

The fucker lurks on here, so if he sees this I'll brace for another load of defamatory lies on his blog. He's posted mp3s of recorded phone conversations with me, photos, personal (yuck) emails, god knows what else, probably with the intent to cow me into taking down the blog posts that out him for who he is. But I don't really care, to be honest. I'm not having some low-life pathetic lying twat dictate terms to me.

snowy omg!!!

another thing that is coming over is how controlling and obsessive they all are, i guess they lie to keep control

what i can not get my head around is the lying when there was no need to lie. i keep bursting into giggles when i think how sad he looked after his sister passed away :)

As I told mine, 'You have to LIE to make ME look bad, to make YOU look bad, all I have to do is TELL THE TRUTH!'

Funny enough he didn't like that comment too much, didn't have any reply to it though. [cgrin]

And the way they adapt when the lies are uncovered. When it all came out, to my shame I kept talking to him for a bit, because I couldn't believe that every last thing about him was made up. And he said that he was as he was was because of being abused as a child (not true, I know his dad now, he's so lovely and as much a victim as anyone else), that he was a broken man and he was trying to get help (not true) and he only lied like truth to catch me, because I was too amazing to get any other way. Yawn...

Here's the full inglorious story if you want to read it, written by my best friend and business partner.

hmm this all sounds like my partner, when we met he told me he had a daughter and even had a picture of a little girl (turned out it was a neice) he said he had twins with another women although there was doubts on paternity, he said he had lost his driving licence by drink driving his friends car (never had a driving lesson or held a licience) that he had been married and divorced. In fact if i think back to the almighty rows we had about that, I asked him to show me his divorce papers he refused. When i was pregnante l with our first baby i used to ask him advice as he had done it before (having a daughter of course) he let me think that he had done it all before.

Massive rows over him not being able to validate the lying. Looking back i wish i had run a million miles away at the time. Nowadays its just stupid lying like he hadnt said something i pull him up on or he didnt drink all the pepsi when he did etc etc

16 years ive lived with this crap and urge anyone in a similar situation to walk away and not look back.

Snowy, seems he's updated his blog recently... there's a link through on twitter. What a total fantasist. I'm so sorry you had to go through this, it's just surreal.

Thanks, HH. It doesn't bother me like it used to. The more outlandish his lies get the weaker his position. What troubles me is that people like this keep finding new victims. I can't bear the thought of an endless string of future unsuspecting women going through this sort of thing.

You're right, though. Surreal is the word.

herhissyness I am stealing that quote from you... that is the god honest truth of the matter...

he he, yes, even my dad laughed out loud when I told him I'd said that.

It really helps us stay strong though, you can repeat it to yourself and it'll get you through the worst of the gaslighting and out and out lies.

herhissy that quote is brilliant!

Not my ex, but an old college pal, she was a complete nut job. Tried to convince everyone she was a member of the deposed Italian aristocracy, that she went to US one Christmas and married a man she had never met. Convinced a poor bloke she met at a local amateur talent night that she was the niece of a high profile producer, mocked up a contract and had the guy convinced he was about to hit the big time. Told everyone she was pregnant with twins, then conveniently miscarried when she should have started showing them. Those are just the big stories, the ones I can remember. There was so much more. I seriously think she was ill, very very ill.

I'm so grateful for this thread. I will read it several times today out of sheer relief.
I just found out a few things about my ex yesterday which have made me realise that he was lying while we were together. I loved him so much and it is hurting very much at the moment (partly because he is now very loved up with someone who caused me pain). Anyway, the biggest lie seems to have been that his mum died in very tragic circumstances. I spent a year supporting him through that and grieving with him (probably idolising him a bit, big mistake). His new partner is writing very openly on her blog about going to visit her. (God, I have to forbid myself from looking at it now.)
My heart is just throbbing, but knowing I'm not the only one is so helpful. And thank goodness I don't have children with this man. I feel so grateful for that.

I do have a lovely new dp who is wonderful. So I'll be ok. It's just a big shock to the system to discover what I have. And a part of me still loves him very very much. As I said, I idolised him, I couldn't seem to help myself. (I have given myself many metaphorical slaps for that incidentally)

ohboob glad that you feel like you're not the only one!!!

You're right it does help to know that!!

Ohboob, I am so sorry. thank GOD you don't have to have anything to do with that nutjob. I can only hazard a guess as to how you feel though, it's so senseless isn't it?

.

I am currently with someone who is a liar. He has told some whoppers in the past, some to cover his tracks etc. I think one of the funniest was him going into great detail over a place he went to for a Feminine Experience, he spent ages telling me all bout it but a few years later denied ever going there or ever having discussed it with me. This was when we where still friends.

Can I ask.. the silly lies you immedietely know not to be true, due you challenge as they happen then constantly challenge or do you get a bit weary about it ?
DP has a couple of silly ones going on at the moment. One is when we are at a checkout he keeps saying I am a shoplifter and will go on and on a bout it. You know where they say the lie and wait to see your reaction, then continue if you are ignoring it or not challenging it. Depending on the situation I will just ignore and carry on packing/paying and he will be wittering on usually with odd looks from the checkout operator. The last time I firmly told him to stop it it wasnt funny. Its as if he is wanting the attention and is seeing how far he can go.

The other is concerning his 'time' at famous University. He jokily said it once as in "oh, well when I was at Cambridge". The first few times I just rolled my eyes and used the ignoring bad behaviour tactic. He will now throw it into the conversation regularily.

The silly lies I try to ignore but wonder if a firm pulling him up on it would be better

Blimey, LiesRThem, I'd say a firm hoiking on of your running shoes would be more in order.

LiesRThem - why would you want to keep this relationship going?

lisa i think you know the answer to these, I know I'm a fine one to talk because I believed all the crap my exh came out with but you know this is all crap
I would get the hell out of there