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Relationships

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Original poster

Ex husband wedding dilemma

44 replies

ArthurMcAffertyandhisCat · 26/04/2011 21:23

My ex husband left last year, after announcing a two year long affair with a teaching colleague who had more or less become part of our social circle over that period. They now live together. That was pretty bad, obviously, and it's taking a long time to get over that.

His best friend is getting married in July. I have known him since I was 18 (when I met my ex) and am very fond of him and his fiancee. They have been very supportive since he left and have kept in touch, and I have seen them quite a bit. We have a lot of friends in common, and they will all be at the wedding.

I was really touched to be sent an invitation to the wedding with a note from the fiancee saying they hoped I would come, and reassuring me that the OW hadn't been invited (they know her, but not well). I know that they have seen her once or twice since this all happened, but they haven't ever been particularly keen on her, so I wasn't surprised, though I had never mentioned the subject to them.

So, I replied saying thank you, and I would be delighted to come. Despite what he has done, relations between me and my ex are fairly civil because of the dcs (we have 3, aged 7, 5 and 4) so we can manage to be in the same room for the day without coming to blows.

But then, I got an email yesterday from the fiancee saying she is horribly sorry and embarrassed but that my ex and his best friend had gone out for a drink at the weekend, and he (my ex) had mentioned that he was really upset that they hadn't invited the OW, that she felt excluded from his social circle (well, obviously, because no one thinks she's behaved well...) and that it was a case of "love me, love my mistress". His best friend is a very decent guy, who just wants everyone to be happy, and hates conflict, so he said yes of course she must come. So now she is going.

So, now I am in the position of having accepted an invitation to a wedding that I really did want to go to, but with the prospect of having to spend the day with my ex AND the OW. The dcs are all going, and I think it's going to be fairly confusing for them.

I just don't think I can do it. I cannot be in the same room as the pair of them. And two of our friends have already said that if she goes and I don't, then they won't go.

But, it's my friends' day, and they are really excited. I don't want them to have to choose, or even to have to think about it. I don't want to sound like a petulant child, and tell them that I am not going because she is. I don't want other people to take sides, or anyone to make a fuss, and I don't want anyone to fall out over this. It's like being back in the playground, except this woman broke my heart and destroyed my children's lives.

This is all clearly my ex's fault and is fairly typical behaviour, but even by his standards this is pretty crass.

So do I go, wear something amazing (I've lost a lot of weight, stress is a great diet...) and make sure I have fun with my friends, and pretend they aren't there? Or do I just quietly write to the couple and decline, but stress that I don't want them to worry about it anymore?

If you've made it this far, well done. What would you do?

OP posts:

queencat · 26/04/2011 21:30

Can you just go to the service but not to the reception. That way you are showing your support but don't have to look at the other two?

You can still look fabulous and show yourself off!

DutchGirly · 26/04/2011 21:33

Wear something amazing and go to the wedding! Have fun with your friends, spend time with your kids and ignore her or be very polite. Don't drink too much though.

Chances are SHE will feel very uncomfortable and will not go.

FabbyChic · 26/04/2011 21:33

I personally would not go, why put yourself through all that personal anguish.

If you could take a man I'd say go but if you have to face it alone with your children, I would decline.

ohgawdherewegoagain · 26/04/2011 21:33

Go, go go! Wear that stunning dress, wear your most stunning smile and ensure that you enjoy the company of everyone and have a lovely time. She will be feeling far worse than you as you have the moral advantage. Act as if this slight blip in your life was an inconvenience and you are back, larger than life with confidence and self esteem to match!!!!

millie30 · 26/04/2011 21:35

I want to say go and have a great time but I know its not that easy! For what its worth, I think your ex and OW have acted embarrassingly, sulking and begging for an invite from people who don't even like her! You sound like a different class to them, OP. Good luck!

doesmybumlookbiginthis · 26/04/2011 21:36

If it was me I think I wouldn't go. I think weddings are emotional enough without this situation. I also think weddings are long days that involve drinking- you could be fine at start of day but perhaps by end you could be tired and "overemotional" and all best intentions of staying away and having fun with your other friends could go by wayside. You also don't want other guests to be feeling awkward if there is atmosphere.

I know it's not fair and you would like to go but I think it's best to stay away.

Sure you will make right decision

yama · 26/04/2011 21:36

I think I would go. You don't have to stay until the very end.

hairylights · 26/04/2011 21:36

I wouldn't go. Too much upset and hassle.

queencat · 26/04/2011 21:37

I second what dutchy says about drinking too much. I only know if it was me and the way I feel right now wedding cake would go flying.

ivykaty44 · 26/04/2011 21:40

To be honest your ex really hasn't thought this through - at all. Can you imagine your bf has been invited to a wedding and your bf ex is going to be there with there dc. You don't get to go but hay you are not part of their old social circle and all "there" friends will be there and they are bound to side with her the ex wife as she was the innocent part in all this marriage break up.

So bf comes home from pub with groom to be and announces that after sob story he has gotten an invite for his gf, to spend the day with him, his dc at the wedding with his old social circle and guess what his ex wife will be there...

if you where the gf would you want to go and have to spend the day soicalising and trying to avoid the social circle that don't like you along with the ex wife, who is bound to look amazing as she has lost weight and had her hair done.

Xales · 26/04/2011 21:42

. It sounds too raw for you still and after a few drinks you may want to smash his/her smug faces and feel you have to leave anyway. Or they may cause a scene they are obviously more important than what the happy couple wanted to kick up a fuss in the first place.

Decline politely and wish them all the best for the future. Send them a fab pressie and card

If you had known straight off the OW was invited I think you would have said no. It is not you who has been selfish and put them in this position. /hugs

Patienceobtainsallthings · 26/04/2011 21:45

If u think ur strong enough to keep it together I would hold my head high and look fabulous.I'm 18 mths into a messy split and X has 21yo gf now.I still have the odd wobble but I know I'm cool with 2 great kids and my X is an arse.I would have a friend close by for an emergency bitch session just incase,and personally I would stay sober ,good luck,all about dignity and living well after heartbreak ,life goes on but it is different and we have to learn to roll with it after the hurt ,when we heal.

Dozer · 26/04/2011 21:47

Best-frock-forward! You are thin and will look glam! Go to hairdresser as well, and make sure can walk tall in stomping-on-stupid-man shoes.

You are bound to have to deal with them at some stage and at least this is a known date that you can prepare for and look good for. After which it might get easier when you encounter them again.

BUT it could be v hard work for you, looking after the dcs, dealing with seeing ex-H and OW, long day, emotion of being at a wedding etc. If it's too hard and you just can't deal with it, don't beat yourself up, do something nice instead. The couple getting married won't mind, they sound considerate.

If you do decide not to go, make sure other guests (your friends) DO go and don't not go cos OW is going: that would be petty and reflect badly on you (even though their action is not down to you iyswim).

Dozer · 26/04/2011 21:48

ooh yes, agree with patience, have a good mate on standby for emergency bitching session. Stay sober and have something nice and strong when you get home and toast yourself!

pippibluestocking · 26/04/2011 21:48

I think that, before reaching any decisions, I would first check out if the OW is actually going to go, even if she is invited. If she has an ounce of sensitivity, she won't.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 26/04/2011 21:51

Can you take a 'date' with you? Do you have a work colleague, or friend's DB or someone single and trustworthy who you like, who will go with you and hold your hand (It had better be someone either completely unknown to the rest of the gang or someone definitely single, but it wil be a help just to have someone with you and say that the B&G offered you a 'plus one' so this chap has come along, and you and him are just friends - then smile enigmatically.)? Because if you can go to the wedding, see your friends and not wig out or collapse sobbing in the bogs or whatever, you are going to feel massively proud of yourself.
IT's more likely that your XP's new GF will make an arse of herself whether you are there or not - anyone who is tactless, pushy and insecure enough to insist on being invited to a wedding that her DP's XW will be at is someone who will make herself thoroughly unpopular the more she tries to insist on people accepting and respecting her as his new partner. ANd if she does make an arse of herself it might be quite fun to watch.

nometime · 26/04/2011 21:54

Go, go, go. Don't let them chase you out. Best frock, best shoes, best smile and best friend. Walk tall and ignore them. Make him realise what he's thrown away and can't have any more.

Original poster

ArthurMcAffertyandhisCat · 26/04/2011 22:01

OK, consensus seems to be go, look fab, stay sober, and act gracious. I wonder if I can pull it off...?

My two best friends will both be there, and will provide moral support. I don't know whether I could face the idea of taking a date along, though I like the idea of it.

I should check whether or not she is going...she can't accept, surely? In her position, I definitely wouldn't. Perhaps it was just my ex making a fool of himself, and she will have more self respect.

OP posts:

Patienceobtainsallthings · 26/04/2011 22:01

Did I mention my X is an arse !

MsHighwater · 26/04/2011 22:03

I think that you should probably go. This is your friend, too and, with the other friends who have said they'll back out if you don't go because of the OW, there is a good chance of a distraction developing that could tarnish the day for the couple, either on the day or in retrospect.

Ask to be seated with sympathetic friends who will support you without themselves causing a problem and enlist their help in avoiding awkwardness. Go with your head held high. You have the benefit of knowing that you have behaved well and will continue to do so. Also, don't get drunk (am sure you wouldn't with the dc's there, of course).

Xales · 26/04/2011 22:05

Changed my mind! Hire a stunning escort for the night and go

Kimberjem · 26/04/2011 22:07

Fantasy would be to go, look fantastic and like you don't give a shit, reality could be feeling more and more shit as the day goes by and it ends up being an endurance test rather than an enjoyable day. I don't think I could do it, would be too painful, particularly a wedding that can bring out strong emotions, only you know if you can handle it and manage to have a good time. For what it's worth your ex is putting you in a really awful position and making it difficult for your children and it's still pretty soon on.

waterrat · 26/04/2011 22:11

go! I was at a wedding where exactly this happened - my best friend had to cope with meeting her ex and new partner for the first time, it had been and incredibly painful break up -but my friend was amazing, shone and smiled and was really polite and even pleasant to the new partner. She came out of it looking like a really amazing woman....hard and painful as it was. I would suggest taking a date if you think that would help.

I think that tough as it is - its really unfair to allow a distraction to develop - as mshighwater says - when I read that your friends were talking about not going I thought that very unreasonable...it may be kindness to you, but this is your friends big day....it sounds like they are lovely people who have gone out of their way to be really sympathetic.

A key way of dealing with stressful events is to go through them mentally before hand and imagine them going REALLY WELL. If you worry, that worry will become reality. Imagine yourself being there and handling it fine, (accept it will be hard, but imagine it being at least civil) - go through this in your mind, imagine each step and see yourself handling it with calm dignity.

You can do this - see it as a chance to really put your feelings about this whole situation onto the next level, accept it as something that is real and has happened - and that you can cope with. Perhaps its a gift to you - once you have dealt with it - you will be into a new stage, where you know you can cope. Imagine how awed she is going to be - and remember - most importantly - how terrifying this day will be for her. She knows she wasnt wanted there! she will be shitting herself...make sure you look a million dollars, smile sweetly at her...you will feel fantastic afterwards.

waterrat · 26/04/2011 22:11

I think people are right - it may be tough - but that doesnt mean you shouldnt do it. You can cope, stay sober, look good and leave early. and you will be glad afterwards that you did it.

Dozer · 26/04/2011 22:12

You didn't need to mention that ex is an arse, we'd gathered!

If you do go, bow out early (use kids as excuse?).

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