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Relationships

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Original poster

Ex husband wedding dilemma

44 replies

ArthurMcAffertyandhisCat · 26/04/2011 21:23

My ex husband left last year, after announcing a two year long affair with a teaching colleague who had more or less become part of our social circle over that period. They now live together. That was pretty bad, obviously, and it's taking a long time to get over that.

His best friend is getting married in July. I have known him since I was 18 (when I met my ex) and am very fond of him and his fiancee. They have been very supportive since he left and have kept in touch, and I have seen them quite a bit. We have a lot of friends in common, and they will all be at the wedding.

I was really touched to be sent an invitation to the wedding with a note from the fiancee saying they hoped I would come, and reassuring me that the OW hadn't been invited (they know her, but not well). I know that they have seen her once or twice since this all happened, but they haven't ever been particularly keen on her, so I wasn't surprised, though I had never mentioned the subject to them.

So, I replied saying thank you, and I would be delighted to come. Despite what he has done, relations between me and my ex are fairly civil because of the dcs (we have 3, aged 7, 5 and 4) so we can manage to be in the same room for the day without coming to blows.

But then, I got an email yesterday from the fiancee saying she is horribly sorry and embarrassed but that my ex and his best friend had gone out for a drink at the weekend, and he (my ex) had mentioned that he was really upset that they hadn't invited the OW, that she felt excluded from his social circle (well, obviously, because no one thinks she's behaved well...) and that it was a case of "love me, love my mistress". His best friend is a very decent guy, who just wants everyone to be happy, and hates conflict, so he said yes of course she must come. So now she is going.

So, now I am in the position of having accepted an invitation to a wedding that I really did want to go to, but with the prospect of having to spend the day with my ex AND the OW. The dcs are all going, and I think it's going to be fairly confusing for them.

I just don't think I can do it. I cannot be in the same room as the pair of them. And two of our friends have already said that if she goes and I don't, then they won't go.

But, it's my friends' day, and they are really excited. I don't want them to have to choose, or even to have to think about it. I don't want to sound like a petulant child, and tell them that I am not going because she is. I don't want other people to take sides, or anyone to make a fuss, and I don't want anyone to fall out over this. It's like being back in the playground, except this woman broke my heart and destroyed my children's lives.

This is all clearly my ex's fault and is fairly typical behaviour, but even by his standards this is pretty crass.

So do I go, wear something amazing (I've lost a lot of weight, stress is a great diet...) and make sure I have fun with my friends, and pretend they aren't there? Or do I just quietly write to the couple and decline, but stress that I don't want them to worry about it anymore?

If you've made it this far, well done. What would you do?

OP posts:

NonnoMum · 26/04/2011 22:15

Go- but take a BEAUTIFUL young man with you.
And snog him during the vows.

suburbophobe · 26/04/2011 22:21

If you could take a man I'd say go

WHY??

unless you have a great gay friend!

You and your children should go and have a WONDERFUL time

frazzle26 · 26/04/2011 22:28

I would be embarrassed to go if I was the OW. She's obviously very thick-skinned or stupid to realise why she wasn't invited in the first place. You are obviously held in high esteem by others in your social circle so technically there is no reason that you shouldn't go as people obviously want you to. Fair enough for being a little bit unsure though and if you do decide not to go then don't beat yourself up about it. I doubt she'll have the best day anyway as she wasn't wanted in the first place and people don't tend to be that fond of the OW, particularly the ex-wife's friends.

jezebelle · 26/04/2011 22:28

I personally wouldn't, just because of the children bit, its not fair on them to be put in the middle really, and i'd wanna smack the ex and his OW !!

Dozer · 26/04/2011 22:32

Do the dcs normally spemd time just with their dad or with him and OW?

Bellebelicious · 26/04/2011 22:36

GO! They are YOUR friends. They want you there (they don't want her). They will be looking out for you. Look fabulous, don't get drunk and leave early if you have to (kids will be good excuse).

I know it will be hard, but I promise you, if you manage it, you will feel better. if you stay at home, you will feel worse. Don't let them have any more power over you (yes I know it's easier said than done, but this is a battle for your self-esteem, sometimes you just have to be brave.)

Oh, and ask the bride if she can put your arse of an ex and his bint on the furthest table with the most boring relatives she can find.

Good luck.

NonnoMum · 26/04/2011 22:45

Actually, I think this is a bit rude of the GROOM.

Inertia · 26/04/2011 22:47

Go, turn up looking stunning, dazzle !

Will there be other children there for your children to play with? If not, perfect opportunity for your ex to do some parenting while you mingle. Make sure you remind them that their dad would love to wipe their noses, take them to the loo, buy drinks etc.

Ask sympathetic -sounding bride to seat you with lovely sparkle funny friends, and ex and OW far away with dull rellies.

seachange · 27/04/2011 01:02

Who knows what OWs are capable of? I wouldn't bank on her having the decency to not go, she hasn't demonstrated any so far!

I feel for you OP, not sure what I would do. Wishing you lots of luck if you do decide to go, have fun looking fabulous and making them v v uncomfortable.

flyingspaghettimonster · 27/04/2011 02:43

I think I would have to go - like picking a scab... I'd spend days fretting over how I looked and primping and preening, trying to outshine her, and then go there on the day having invested far too much money and time into it, only to realise after a few glasses of wine, when ex and OW were doing a slow dance up there on the dance floor with all OUR old friends, that it had all been so stupid and that I didn't even want him back, so who had I been dressing up for? Then I'd go into a depressive spiral and pig out on eclairs.

So I guess that is the difficult choice you have to make - to go, knowing it could hurt you and reopen wounds, or not go and be wondering the entire time what it was like, then deal with seeing all the happy photos on facebook.

Not a great choice :-( Good luck and hope if you go you have a blast!

fedupofnamechanging · 27/04/2011 10:07

I think you should go too. You want to see your friends get married and why should your arse of an ex deprive you of your social life and easy access to your friends. He and his bitch gf have taken away too much from you already.

I think you should go, not drink, chat to your friends and be polite to your ex. Personally I'd not acknowledge the OW at all unless I had to, in which case I'd be icily polite.

I think that your friends sound lovely, so do it for them, so they can have you at their wedding, which is what they want. They (well, the bride) have been put in an awkward position, so I'd try to smooth it out for them if possible.

I also think you should go home early ish, before everyone has too much to drink and is no longer on their best behaviour.

fedupofnamechanging · 27/04/2011 10:10

Meant to add that you need to send the message to your Ex and OW that you won't just disappear from your social circle to suit them. These are your friends as much as your EX's. He's the one who's behaved badly and now he has to deal with you still being there. It would suit him if you didn't attend, because it would be less awkward for him and the OW. I wouldn't let them have what they want.

HerHissyness · 27/04/2011 10:28

TBH, I'd be STRAIGHT on the phone to the EX and explain exactly why she was not invited.

Mind you perhaps if she does come and everyone gives her the catsbum face, she'll get the message, and so will he.

Yeah, fuck em, go, be wonderful, be lovely, and whatever bullshit he has clearly told her about you, you will prove wrong.

2rebecca · 27/04/2011 10:36

Why is it rude of the groom? The ex is the groom's best friend. To be honest if my best friend left her husband and started living with another man and 1 year down the line I was getting married I would invite her and her new partner. I may also invite her ex, but it sounds here as though the friendship between the poster and the bride is less strong than the bond between her ex and the groom, and that the poster was mainly friends with this couple through her ex.
It is normal to invite both of a couple who live together to a wedding.
This will be painful for the poster but will be the start of many events she will be going to along with her ex and his new partner if they stay together and have alot of mutual friends.
I'm divorced and accept my exes girlfriend is at alot of events with him and my husband is often at events which incude his ex and her current husband.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 27/04/2011 10:37

It is possible, of course, that the OW is cringing with embarassment and doesn't want to go, and it's the XP who is making a big deal out of it because he wants everything his own way.
All the more reason for you to go and hold your head up, OP. It sounds like you have very decent friends and that your XP will be the one who is slowly shut out of the social circle if he carries on being a knob.

2rebecca · 27/04/2011 10:45

Must admit if in the early days of our relationship my husband had been invited to a wedding and I hadn't and his ex was going and he later got me an invite I'd have been annoyed with him and not wanted to go at all. The exhusband sounds much more at fault here than his new partner. He maybe just didn't fancy going alone. Getting an invite after someone pleads for you to have one would make me feel very second best.
I still think if the 2 blokes were best friends then inviting your best friend but not their current partner is odd, even if you were friends with their ex.
I wonder how many women would do that to their best friends?

farkthatforagameofsoldiers · 27/04/2011 10:49

If my kids were going then I would too, looking stunning, I might even rustle up a gorgeous "date" for the event too.

Oh and he and she sound like a pair of utter twats!

amberleaf · 27/04/2011 11:02

Definitely go!

SarkyLady · 27/04/2011 11:14

Hi.

So I think you need to look at this from a selfish point of view in terms of the friendships that are at stake here.

IME it is pretty much inevitable after a nasty split that friends end up 'taking sides'. This isn't necessarily a deliberate thing, but just that it becomes too much like hard work to maintain friendships with two people who are not on good terms.

With this in mind, I think you need to think of what you want to happen in the long term. There are two possibilities:

If these are primarily your ex's friends and actually in the long run you are likely to drift away from them then I'd say that you shouldn't put yourselft through the stress of the situation and should stay away.
If on the other hand these are good friends of yours that you absolutely do not want to lose touch with, then you need to go to the wedding. If this is the case then I would go futher and would start actively setting up social events involving these friends (and obv not your ex).

I'm sorry if this sounds a bit cold and calculating, but I think the long term friendships are more important than a single day.

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