dont know what to do re stepdaughter who hates me

[issey6cats]

sorry if this is long or disjointed
history met DH 8 years ago he told me that he was seperated with 3 teenage kids we lived in seperate towns so i didnt know any of his family

when it was too late and i had given up my house, job and moved to his town so he could be nearer his kids i found out that i was the other woman at the beginning of the relationship
his boys arnt too bad

his daughter however has always been the totally spouilt indulged little princess and throws sulky wobblers if not indulged and given into

forward to last december her mother DHs ex partner died very suddenly overnight

so her and younger brother moved in with us

she absolutely hates me as i am the woman who split up her family

like living on eggshells in case she gets upset, we had a minor row last week about her bloody rabbit and she is now walking in the house glaring at me, sending me to coventry in my own house, the atmosphere in the house is awful, her poor dad is between us and obviously i feel sorry for her losing her mom but i cant cvhange the last 8 years or bring her mom back

i have two choices either sit here being treated like this by a twenty year old spoilt brat or move out am so torn i love her dad so much and we do have a good marraige but im miserable at the momant hes miserable and SD is just been such a brat only time im happy at the moment is when she is at work

sorry if this has turned into a rant just needed to put it in words as feel like exploding

Why is she still living there at 20?

This is a tough one, obviously she feels loyal to her mum, but if you were genuinely unaware of the situation at the beginning of your relationship, it shouldn't be taken out on you.

Maybe you, DH and DSD could sit down and have a chat about everything? Not in an accusing way, not as a shouting match, but calmly and positively.

Try not to criticise her, she's obviously going through a tough time - it only happened recently so it's not reasonable to expect her to have gotten over her mum's death, and, as horrible as it may be for you, she is obviously conveying her grief onto you as anger.

In all honesty, you're not her mum, so rowing with her over petty things won't help you.

i know how hard its been for her she was very close to her mom and her mom indulged her in everything she wanted, her dad has tried to talk to her but he has aspergers so finds it hard to understand the emotions behind it all, the petty row was just me asking her to clean out the hutch as its in our kitchen bloody rabbit has always been an indoor rabbit so cant go outside, its not just that its little things like i want the house tidy and shes used to living in a shithole so has no conception of tidy up after yourself so she leaves the bathroom covered in crap, her room is a tip, telly on all night and shes fast asleep, reason still at home at twenty is shes only just managed to get a job in the last couple of weeks as mommy never motivated her to try before there is a house thats just become vacant this week two doors from wwhere we live and apart from the fact that i would wend up living on about £40 a week i am so tempted to go for it as i would have a peaceful life, would still be able to be close to DH and wouldnt have to even see her attal

Hi Will reply to you better when Im on the computer but you may find posting in the Stepparenting forum may give you some more specific advice :)

Go for it for 6 months. It may shock your H to sort things out to realise how bad things are for you.