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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me - how do I leave my husband?

30 replies

notahappycamper · 26/04/2011 10:43

What do I do?
I am sitting here in tears. He started again last night as I had fallen asleep in front of the TV. He thought we were going to spend the evening swinging from the lights even though I had already told him no.
Anyway when we were in bed he started ranting on for about an hour - you had your hair cut last week it looks shit, you never speak any more, you are boring, you are dead inside, you look a mess, you never spend money on yourself, keep this attitude up tomorrow and you'll wish you never got out of bed etc.
I didnt say anything. There was nothing to say. He was off with me this morning.
How do people do it? I have 3 children, 2 at school and I work 3 days Wed to Fri. I have no family to go to nearby. He keeps my bank card and I have to ask for money or tell him what I am spending it on. I have managed to squirrel away £130.

Please help me

OP posts:
mumblechum1 · 26/04/2011 10:47
  1. Order a new bank card today.
  1. Make an appointment today to see a solicitor. You should get the first half hour free. You can find a family specialist on www.resolution.org.uk
  1. Don't leave the house. You may need to stay under the same roof for a few months while the divorce proceedings are underway, but depending on your circs, it's possible to have the house transferred over to you and for him to have to leave (this does depend on many different factors - your solicitor will advise)
MrsPresley · 26/04/2011 10:50

I dont really have any ideas sorry, but I would go to the bank and either get a new card or open a different account, how dare he keep your card!!

What about the house is it bought/rented?

Probably the best thing would be to see a solicitor/phone womens aid or something similar, they should have plenty advice/help available.

Do you have any where to go, if he wont leave the home, also try and keep your manager at work up to date incase you need time off.

Sorry not much help from me, hopefully someone else will have better advice.

FreudianSlipper · 26/04/2011 10:58

order a bank card and ring womens aid, they will give you good practical advice and help with emotional support

he is a controlling bullying and you have made the decision to go please stick to it you can do it

sorry i can not give more advice

notoriginal · 26/04/2011 11:00

Please call womens aid this man sounds very abusive. They will confidentially and safely give you all the help and advice you need. He sounds volatile and it's never a good idea to stay as your life is more valuable than possesions. Take care

nailak · 26/04/2011 11:06

is he always like this or was he just frustrated?

FreudianSlipper · 26/04/2011 11:10

what has frustration got to do with his actions Confused

he is bullying her

Katisha · 26/04/2011 11:12

WHy do you let him kep your bank card? Seriously - why?

FreudianSlipper · 26/04/2011 11:17

she is asking for support, lets not ask why she does this or that, i am sure she has asked herself a million times how did it get like this but it has

Katisha · 26/04/2011 11:18

Yes you are right.
I would second ringing WOmen's Aid. They are not just there for women who are being beaten up, and have lots of experience and good advice.

You might also want to read the Lundy Bancroft book that has helped many on here. It's called "WHy does he do that?"

stripeywoollenhat · 26/04/2011 11:19

i think you should go to the bank, get the card he has cancelled (it has been stolen, after all) and get a new one. if your wages are paid into a joint account, you need to redirect them to your own personal account. women's aid has advice on practical things you should do, but i would get on with doing them, as your h is clearly a controlling abusive bastard and the sooner he is out of your life, the better.

Original poster
notahappycamper · 26/04/2011 11:26

I had been fed up with him for a few days as he doesnt do anything around the house. He gets up when he wants and stays up into the night watching DVDs. Now I know he is entitled to do what he likes but I had a major op in Oct which has affected my mobility. I went back to work a few wks ago and ended up back in hospital with a viral infection.
I am tired trying to get over this latest illness but he said "There is nowt fucking wrong with you". He had to call an ambulance. When I mentioned that I was told "And who called the ambulance for you?"
He was getting cross last night as there were no towels in the bathroom - I had bathed the kids and not put any dry ones back. I dont put the laundry away, the house is a "shit hole" etc. Yet he does nothing EVER to make the place any better.
I dont think I can get another account as we have had financial difficulties and he checks my account by internet. I have changed my details in the past but he went mad when he found out.
I just wanted to know how to deal with him in the house until I can get away. Do I tell the kids school if they miss etc

OP posts:
Original poster
notahappycamper · 26/04/2011 11:36

I cant believe that this is happening to me. Outside I'm sure everything looks ok. It did at the weekend when his family were round. But they didnt hear the shouting and the looks on the kids faces when they werent tidying up fast enough etc.
You see the nice car etc but when I tried to order summer dresses last night I had to ask was there money in my account. "How much do you want to spend?" I was asked. When I explained that I wanted 4 for 1 child and 3 for the other I was told it was a bit much and surely they wont need 1 a day and why cant I get them ready faster. Well I work the tailend of the week and it would make things easier and it is my moneyetc it is like red rag to a bull. I dont want raised voices in front of the kids.
He is charm personified in front of others and I knew that people wouldnt believe me but I'm not making it up.

OP posts:
Katisha · 26/04/2011 11:39

Get the Lundy Bancroft book . Will help clarify your feelings.
Such people are ALWAYS charming to outsiders. THey also live in their own version of reality.

notoriginal · 26/04/2011 11:40

I know I've said this before but please call womens aid they are expert at advising what to do and understand if you're not yet ready to leave. Even though I've come out of the other side of domestic violence I would always advice using expert advice as I've no way of knowing how volatile he could be. My ex was the same and it resulted in him injuring one of the children and ss nearly took them. I had to prove to ss for a year I was protecting them.

FabbyChic · 26/04/2011 11:41

OMG he is a controlling bully.

Why does he have your bank card? Why have you allowed him to belittle you to the point that you feel his behaviour is acceptable?

Is the house mortgaged or rented?

If you ring Womens Aid they may be able to find a hostel for you and your children and give you assistance and advice with regards how best to proceed.

You need away from this terrorising bully.

Who the fuck does he think he is keeping your bank card.

You need a back bone, you need to get away from this monster.

notoriginal · 26/04/2011 11:43

People will believe you. It's text book of how abusers act. Mu ex was well liked and thought to be a great dad. But trust me people will know you are telling the truth.

LittleEasterHouse · 26/04/2011 11:44

Oh this is awful. You really don't need to live like this. He is a classic controlling abusive bully and you will be so much happier away from him and so will your DC.

Just make a plan, one small step at a time towards getting away.
Do you do the shopping? Can you start getting "cash back" and putting it away every week? Or does he check receipts as well?

I feel for you. There is lots of help on here. Read pinkhairs threads if you need inspiration. She was in your shoes and she has escaped with help from Women's Aid.

Once your eyes are open there is no way you can stay. So it is just a matter of when you get away from him.

We will cheer you on all the way. Then you can change your name to happycamper !!

FreudianSlipper · 26/04/2011 11:57

the story is nearly always the same, they are such nice guys to everyone else it was all so great at first :(

been there (before i had ds so i understand its more complicated but then i had no reason to stay) done it and got out

womens aid is great. people will believe you and it does not matter if they do not you have to live your life they don't

MilkandWine · 26/04/2011 15:24

Nothappycamper
Just wanted to add to the advice of all on here who have siad you need to ring Womans aid and get some help.

What is it you are actually wanting to do though? from your posts it isn't clear if you want to leave this man or not.

You are in a horrific and controlling relationship and I second everyone on here who says you need this man out of your life. Trying to have sex with you when you are asleep? Controlling your finances? (even more horrendous considering you work and have your own money) It is just totally and utterly beyond the pale, I cannot see how you would ever be able to work any solution out with this man. He sounds like a psychopath!
Please please ring Womans aid and contact a solicitor for advice.

I'm pretty sure financial details will not prevent you opening another bank account either. I have 2 bank accounts and I haven't got what you would call the best record with finances! Open another account and get your wages transferred into it. It is YOUR money not his. If he asks for the account details then don;t give him them. He has no right to hold your account details or to be able to access your online banking. The man is an utter disgrace!

MilkandWine · 26/04/2011 15:25

I meant financial difficulties, not details

colditz · 26/04/2011 15:30

www.womensaid.org.uk/

badgirl101 · 26/04/2011 15:41

OMG How dare he speak to you the mother of his children like that.

I'd have told him he aint no rippling Adonis himself.

I can't add much to the already fabulous advice the good people on here have given you. Just to say do not start believing his spiteful remarks. You have to stand up for yourself now or this will only escalate further.

The damn cheek of him. How despicable.

SugarPasteFrog · 26/04/2011 15:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SugarPasteFrog · 26/04/2011 15:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Katisha · 26/04/2011 15:49

Can you take your DCs and get on the train or whatever to your family and stay with them? And from there start ringing solicitors and so forth?
Sounds like you nee dto remove yourself from him as he has got into the habit of treating you as his whipping boy.