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Original poster

should I see this man again?

39 replies

MrsMiniver · 26/04/2011 08:49

Met a guy online, been on a few really nice dates and he seems really keen without being over the top. When we first met I was dating other guys and although he accepted this, he said it upset him. So I've got to know him a bit better and decided I'd like to concentrate on him and told him I've hidden my profile and was happy to just see him and see where it goes.

He seemed pleased, said he was hardly active anymore anyway and was happy just to see me as well. Last night I was helping a friend put her profile up and logged into my messages to show her how it all works. Turns out he's been active within the last 24 hours. I was disappointed because I feel he's not been honest with me and have told him that if he's still looking for other women, then an intimate relationship isn't on the cards but I'm still happy to be his friend. We have a date this weekend, he's coming to mine and was going to stay over as I feel ready to be intimate with him. But if he's still looking I don't want that - if I sleep with a man we've got to be exclusive. I've said I'm happy to meet but somewhere neutral. But bearing in mind I feel he hasn't been totally honest, is it worth pursuing anything with him? I don't know if I can trust him now and trust is a very fragile thing.

OP posts:
QuintEggSentialPaints · 26/04/2011 08:54

I dont know anything about online dating, but I wonder what people were doing in the past when they could not "monitor" each other in this way?

How do you know he was not "active" to change some status, or hide something, rather than actively looking for women?

In the past, you could still be on the lookout a little, even if dating, but nobody knew, now there are websites keeping tabs on you, where potential girlfriends can check up on you.

I possibly sound ancient, but I would not see this as a deal breaker. It is still early days with you and him, and you have not decided to get married, or anything....

Diggs · 26/04/2011 08:56

Its not if hes still looking , he evidently is isnt he .
Hes been a bit snide really to claim it upsets him then be still on it .

Original poster
MrsMiniver · 26/04/2011 08:59

Good point Quint, it's just I don't want to sleep with him if he's looking for other women. Or is that old-fashioned? :)

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsMiniver · 26/04/2011 09:01

Diggs, yes he actually said it "grieved" him to see me still looking because it meant I obviously wasn't looking for him, and he tells me a lot he's thinking about met etc etc. So doesn't quite add up really.

OP posts:
madamemax · 26/04/2011 09:26

Hmn. Have never done online dating so feel free to flame me! Think this is a bit of a red flag, to be honest. He made a big deal out of you being active, but it's OK for him? Different rules for the big man...what else might he have different rules on? He sounds as if he could become a bit controlling, with all his melodrama about how 'grieved' he is. I reckon you should tell him to bog off and keep looking, congratulating yourself on a well-spotted lucky escape.

Conflugenglugen · 26/04/2011 09:29

How long have you been seeing him, MrsM? You say a few dates ... My immediate feeling is that the word "grieved" is a very intense one for something that is still in its infancy. My second feeling - which is not quite as well-defined - is that his "grief" over your still looking might simply be projection on his part, i.e. that is what he is doing.

You grieve when you lose something. Attachment of this nature so early on is worth thinking twice about, not least because dating in an online environment is rich ground for romances that are intense, and not necessarily grounded in reality.

Hassled · 26/04/2011 09:30

I'd walk away. It's only been a few dates and already there's hassle and angst and game-playing; what will it be like a year down the line? Life's too short - and there are more straightforward men out there.

changingmynameagain · 26/04/2011 09:31

He's wanting to have his cake and eat it and he's being hypocritical wanting you not to be looking while he is.

(Never done online dating)

elastamum · 26/04/2011 09:38

If you really like him talk to him about it. If you dont feel able to discuss this then why are you thinking of sleeping with him anyway?

Have done a lot of internet dating and IME if it doesnt feel quite right at the start it isnt going to get any better. Might be better to cut your losses now and move on.

BTW Met my current man on line and the difference between how he behaves and all the other men I dated is just massive.

badgirl101 · 26/04/2011 09:39

Hmmm sounds as if he doesn't really trust you and is getting his own back by having a sneaky peek (at the very least)

What did he say when you told him you saw he was on there after giving out to you about it?

How did he explain himself?

Diggs · 26/04/2011 10:07

Op , did you genuineley not want to see other men any more , or did you decide to stop because it " upset " him ? For me , him claiming to be " upset " would have been a red flag to me , it hints of manipulation after just a few dates .

If he had simply had a conversation about being exclusive that wouldve been fine , but im afraid im a little wary of people playing the upset card or using emotive words as usually when someone tells us our behaviour is upsetting them , we remedy it , as you did.

Im a big beleiver in actions , not words . When people talk to me i often just see their mouth moving , its their actions i focus on .

Original poster
MrsMiniver · 26/04/2011 10:08

He told me he'd gone online to find out how to hide his profile (not hard at all, you simply click on "hide profile"!). But then obviously he didn't go on and hide it afterwards! What would your gut reaction be? Mine was that he's telling a big old porky.

My feelings for him have changed because of this, definitely not going to sleep with him now and in two minds whether to meet up with him again at all. And some good points about early attachment etc.

OP posts:
valiumbandwitch · 26/04/2011 10:09

Don't sleep with him. He's still looking! If he wanted to be exclusive he wouldn't be looking on line still.

He's a bit of a poor wounded soldier to create a situation where you stop looking to preventing hurting him while he casts his net wider..... win win for him.

Diggs · 26/04/2011 10:11

I too think hes telling porkys . As Madam quite rightly pointed out , one rule for him and another for you . I think id bin him , theres literally millions of men out there , its not a good start .

elastamum · 26/04/2011 10:13

He is still looking. He will sleep with you and you may never hear from him again. Dont do it. Go out and find soemone better Hmm

valiumbandwitch · 26/04/2011 10:17

If I ever do online dating I think I'll set up two profiles. One the real me, and one a kind of bimbo version to see which guys are just after sex and which guys are lying.

badgirl101 · 26/04/2011 10:23

Right so he is all aggrieved that you were dating other men inititally and so you hide your profile for him and he replies 'oh, I'm not THAT active anyway.'

Sorry, what's good for the goose is good for the gander.

Sounds like he wanted to have you solely his but wanted to keep his options open in case you didn't work (put?) out.

I wouldn't believe him, either. Dodge Central. if he said he was on there to hide his profile, he would be hidden. Simple as that - he is lying.

ShoutyHamster · 26/04/2011 10:31

Porkie porkie pies, big old fashioned ones such as only the family butcher can make Grin

I would ditch him - not worth the hassle after a couple of dates. Spend your energy on finding someone better!

ShoutyHamster · 26/04/2011 10:37

Hah, just thinking this over again:

So he feeds you the 'grieved' nonsense - persuades you that he's serious about you alone and gets you to hide your profile - thus ensuring you're OFF the site (and are thus very unlikely to see what he's up to on there) - then within the next 24 hours he's back on!!!

Cheeky little fecker Grin

Dump him pronto. He's a player.

Original poster
MrsMiniver · 26/04/2011 10:39

Now he's sending me quotes from Milton "the mind is it's own place, and in itself can make a heav'n of hell and a hell of heav'n". In other words he's telling me I'm making it all up! What do you reckon? Gas-lighting me already?

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsMiniver · 26/04/2011 10:40

And a player too Shouty :)

OP posts:
olismum23 · 26/04/2011 10:41

Maybe he was active to see if you had actually hid your profile? He sounds a little insecure. When he said he was upset by you dating other men could have been his roundabout away of saying he wanted you to himself because you were special to him and he wanted to take it forward??

Maybe im being naive but I think you has to see the good in people sometimes or you wont ever find the one for you.

Diggs · 26/04/2011 10:49

Now he's sending me quotes from Milton

Not necessarily gas lighting you , possibly trying to engage you , or worse , hoping youll ask him to explain the meaning , making you look stupid and himself superior . I wouldnt even acknowledge those daft quotes .

Look at this as a positive , not a negative , youve been lucky enough to get a glimpse of who he really is before youve slept with him . Hes dramatic , hes manipulative , he tells lies and now hes sending you daft quotes . I think id block him .

ShoutyHamster · 26/04/2011 11:00

Yes could be that he was just looking to check you had obeyed his orders hidden your profile to show your devotion.

Hmm, player or insecure possibly controlling type, what to choose Grin

Yes possibly overthinking it a bit but WHY BOTHER - such early days, too much hassle. He sounds annoying in the extreme.

Milton eh? Could you send some back? Do you have an old bottle of Milton sterilising stuff with instructions on the back that you could text to him?

zikes · 26/04/2011 11:03

Even if it was him being insecure, that's not a good sign either. It's very early days.

I say, start casting your net again OP, this fish is rotten.

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