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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

should I see this man again?

39 replies

MrsMiniver · 26/04/2011 08:49

Met a guy online, been on a few really nice dates and he seems really keen without being over the top. When we first met I was dating other guys and although he accepted this, he said it upset him. So I've got to know him a bit better and decided I'd like to concentrate on him and told him I've hidden my profile and was happy to just see him and see where it goes.

He seemed pleased, said he was hardly active anymore anyway and was happy just to see me as well. Last night I was helping a friend put her profile up and logged into my messages to show her how it all works. Turns out he's been active within the last 24 hours. I was disappointed because I feel he's not been honest with me and have told him that if he's still looking for other women, then an intimate relationship isn't on the cards but I'm still happy to be his friend. We have a date this weekend, he's coming to mine and was going to stay over as I feel ready to be intimate with him. But if he's still looking I don't want that - if I sleep with a man we've got to be exclusive. I've said I'm happy to meet but somewhere neutral. But bearing in mind I feel he hasn't been totally honest, is it worth pursuing anything with him? I don't know if I can trust him now and trust is a very fragile thing.

OP posts:

fartingfran · 26/04/2011 11:11

There are enough lovely blokes out there that it seems crazy to take a chance on someone a bit iffy who you're not that sold on.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 26/04/2011 11:15

Whinyarsed loser. Dump.
And next time, be very wary of people who want to rush into exclusivity. Moving too fast ie any faster than you are comfortable with, is a fairly well known abuser indicator.

beingsetup · 26/04/2011 17:14

Why not take it slowly and get to know him before sleeping with him? It's probably a good idea anyway. I went on one date and the man kept on texting other people ON THE DATE. Needless to say he didn't make it to the second date.

If you don't trust him, you are going to feel resentful and back away. Whatever you do do not sleep with him!

As others have said, people who rush in too fast can be a red flag (although my ex did ask me to marry him on the first date and ten years later we have four kids....), and he might just have been not putting all his chickens in one basket.

If you like him enough to try, keep dating and keep it light?

Original poster

MrsMiniver · 26/04/2011 17:59

Thank you BSU, I have suggested to him that we just meet up and don't spend the night together. He's not happy with this, seems to think that the fact that i don't want sex with him yet means I'm not interested. Obviously that's a red flag and have told him I don't want to see him again. Glad to have found out now about him rather than later.

OP posts:

Diggs · 26/04/2011 18:00

Good on you Mrs , well spotted .

Next !

beingsetup · 26/04/2011 18:49

Anyone trying to pressurise you into sex is putting up a big red flag! Well done on getting rid....

RoyalFucker · 26/04/2011 18:55

he sounds like a right royal twat

bin him, you don't need this

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 26/04/2011 19:54

Whines at you for nothaving agreed to commit to exclusivity immediately and sulks that you won't drop you knickers? Oh this one's a prize. He's either compiling himself a scoresheet on how fast he can get a woman into bed, or he's a nasty bit of work. There are plenty of perfectly nice ones out there, so good on you for having functional radar and spotting this one.

Original poster

MrsMiniver · 26/04/2011 20:19

Thank you SCGB. I've had so many disappointments in the dating game, that sometimes I can't help but doubt myself. Why does it NEVER work out? Better to be single though than with someone who isn't right.

OP posts:

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 26/04/2011 20:22

He sounds like a twat.

ohgawdherewegoagain · 26/04/2011 20:54

Hello, I had this a bit too. We never got to the stage where we had agreed any exclusivity but we had been pretty full on. About 6 weeks in, HE winked at one of my friends the day we had agreed to become intimate. I never let on that I knew but I told him that this wasn't for me, stopped the contact in its tracks and he had the nerve to act heartbroken!

I do know that this internet dating stuff is a bit addictive - it strokes the egos of the unloved and I can see why people keep going back to it just to see who's been looking at them. I know I have done but not while I've been seeing someone.

He may be a hypocrite so you need to use your careful judgement and challenge him about this to see how he reacts and what you feel about him.

Celibin · 29/04/2011 12:34

On-line daters are always looking-the nature of the beast.Regard it the same way as buying a house. On-line dating encourages users to think there is always something better round the corner.

Celibin · 29/04/2011 12:57

Remember for a lot of men some sex is better than no sex. Many are quite happy to see someone for sex for somemonths and then move onto another (they hope) I have 3 male friends who do this:they move on as soon as the woman finds them out.On line gives them hope. I reckon he is possibly one of these: pretends to be hurt that you are still dating but why not? I donot think you 2 have got know each other properly so call his bluff

valiumbandwitch · 30/04/2011 08:57

msminiver,
send him back that quote from hamlet

do not good brother as some ungrateful (?) pastors do, show me the steep and thorny path to heaven whilst like a puffed and wreckless libertine, himself the primrose path of dalliance treads.

that is not the exact quote, just remembering, but something like that, a perfect for him the ass.

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