Mother in Law/ Daughter in Law

[Jackadabackies]

My son's wife recently left him suddenly and with very little explanation. He is understandably devastated and desperately in need of answers. It would seem that my daughter in law had been thinking about this for some time but for him it was a shock. Maybe he should have been more intuitive and maybe there is more to it than I am aware of. I am trying very hard to remain neutral and have contacted my daughter in law three times asking her to please tell him what led to this sorry state of affairs. Sadly this is the second time this has happened to my son in six years. His Dad and I were very concerned that he was marrying on the rebound but our daughter in law (whose second marriage it is also) was adamant that they both knew what they were doing and that she could never hurt him as his first wife had. DIL has been angered by my attempts to contact her but I have told her I am not judging, I know there are two sides, but could she please try to explain to my son as I feel honesty could help him understand and reduce the hurt all round. She has moved out and effectively shut the door in the faces of all their mutual friends and all her in laws. My son is very open with me and we have gone round and round in circles getting nowhere for a month and I can see his health deteriorating. He now seems to be withdrawing from the situation and pretending it has not happened although he still has a lot of organising to do such as packing up their rented house, which he is just avoiding. He has a responsible job where he says it would not be possible to take anti depressants to help him through. I am at my wits end to know how to help him and to make the DIL see that we accept that break ups happen but want to help both of them.

You are meddling. She has no obligation to tell YOU anything.
It is their business and nothing to do with you at all.
All you can do is be there for your son.
Are you like this when things are going well with your son's life? Is so that may be why his relationships keep failing. Relationships cannot withstand an extra person implanting themselves firmly in the middle.

I'm sorry to be blunt but you need to back off.

I think the only thing you can do is be there for your son. Contacting your DIL is unlikely to help the situation at all, especially if she has already reacted angrily.

Has nothing to do with you. I dont mean that to sound rude. But really, it is none of your business.

Your loyalty, must be to your son. If he wants answer, he must ask for them and must know that you are on his side, not "going behind his back contacting his ex wife".

He may well know exactly what has caused this but not be wanting to say. He may be the cause of it, who knows.

Just stay out of it and be there to listen/ support him.

My DH has never told his parents why he split with his first wife, and they never asked her, for exactly the reasons stated above.

It's absolutely nothing to do with you.

You have no need or right and should have no expectation to be told what happened.

I have never ever discussed with anyone, other than DP, the reasons for my divorce.

You really really need to step back.

She's not your DIL anymore - concentrate on making your son stronger.

I a a MIL but I would never feel I had the right to challenge my SIL or Dil if there were problems except if their was DV and then I would encourage professional help and protection . Your DS has been involved in 2 break ups is he trying perhaps to put these women in the place of his DM who would fix every thing for him.

I know my x mil thinks I left her son on a whim but I certainly did not. Her son will tell people to this day that he has no idea why I left him () but the truth is I'd spend between 2 and 3 years trying to get him to see my pov, trying to get him to help me more, trying to get him to listen........ it just rolled off him. Eventually I gave up and left. To him it seems like I left on a whim. But I certainly did not.

When I left I felt bad for his mother and I wrote her what I thought was a lovely letter, but she was so angry she threw it back in my face.

Please accept that you have no idea how she (dil) was feeling. You can't possibly be the judge of whether she left for excellent reasons, or one good reason, or a couple of reasons you wouldn't understand. The bottom line is she was entitled to end the relationship because a relationship is between two people and if she didn't want to continue then there is no relationship. She doesn't need your permission or your approval or your blessing. If my xmil had understood this we'd have been able to work something out a lot more easily. As it is now she rarely sees her gc because her son is so selfish and never includes her when he has them.

I agree with the poster who says concentrate on making your son happier and stronger. my xmil worked her son up in to a frenzy of indignation. eg "how dare she leave you?" "how dare she take the kids?" etc etc etc etc. All very futile. All it did was make him bitter.

Good luck. it is a tightrope alright. From both sides. Maybe give your dil some distance if you can't stop yourself from saying something 'judgy'.

It's rather arrogant of you to interfere, however well meaning you might think you are. Have you done this before?

Horrible though a break up is, it's between your grown up son and his ex.

Are there any children involved?

You are interfering. Butt out (sorry to be so blunt).

Arrogant is a bit harsh! it's human nature to need to know what happened, what went wrong, is it salvageable? Has this woman hurt my son!

My xmil could not possibly have been more judgmental or more critical to me after I left her son, and we'll never be friends again, but I totally understand especially now time has passed that she just loves her son and can't see him as less than perfect. So much easier to blame the xdil and say it ended because "xdil was ....selfish/lazy" whatever it is she's saying. Who knows!?

it's a brave self-aware mother who can admit that her son's relationship ended because he couldn't/wouldn't listen, didn't treat his wife as an equal, left her on her tod all weekend whatever but you get the picture.

I think it's your son you need to concentrate on. He has had two relationships where the other partner has become unhappy and he's remained blissfully unaware of it until they've given up and left. This is a problem he must sort if he's to hope to have a happy relationship in the future.

How much housework did you do for him? Is it possible he thinks pixies clean the bath / wash the socks / vacuum the carpet?
What do you think his view of women is generally? How does he deal with problems? Does he stick his head in the sand?
Does he have a view that women nag / moan and this can safely be ignored?

It would be very unlikely that either of his partners didn't at least have a bash at explaining what wasn't working for them in the relationship. The question he needs to ask himself is why he wasn't listening. Relationship counselling (by himself) might be a way forward.

This is a horrible situation and I do sympathise but I agree with PPs that you really do need to take a step back from DIL.

My MIL contacted me when I left ex DH and she demanded to know why I had left and to explain to her son as he 'had no idea'. I said nothing as I didn't want to break her heart by telling her that he knew full well the reason was that he was an unfaithful bastard who put me through hell. To this day I know I am still the big bad witch as far as they're concerned.

Please don't interfere, you have NO idea what goes on between four walls and your son may not be as open with you as you think.

I have never heard of a woman just upping and leaving without trying to communicate her disatisfaction , not ever . In fact most women will try very hard to resolve things , sometimes for quite a period of time before they give up . No one ends a marriage lightly and his wife must have found the situation untolerable .

I also think he knows full well what the problem was , pretending he doesnt is a bit ridiculous . Everything wasnt ok one day and the next shes gone , it just doesnt happen like that , and especially not twice . Dont contact dil again , even if she did explain to you , the chances are you wouldnt beleive her anyway.

My mil did exactly the same , and of course couldnt beleive that her son was a cheat , a bully , or used prostitutes .

He has a responsible job where he says it would not be possible to take anti depressants to help him through

I don't understand that statement - having a responsible job means taking responsibility to keep that job. If there's some miscommunication in the above statement, like he is concerned about side-effects affecting work performance, he should speak to his GP and find out if he is correct in this thinking. There are many types of antidepressant with many different mechanisms of action. There's also other forms of therapy, but he would need to be honest with a health professional before accessing them.

It would seem that my daughter in law had been thinking about this for some time but for him it was a shock.

I agree with the earlier posters, you naturally cannot be unbiased, but something makes you say that she did not leave on a whim. Perhaps your son has had his head in the sand about some aspect of their relationship. Perhaps DIL is a witch. Either way, he chose the relationship with her, and also chose the previous marriage. He is responsible for the situation that he is now in. I think the best thing you can do for him is in some way encourage him to work out why this has happened twice and ensure he gets to the bottom of his own part in both breakups before starting another relationship. This does not mean that the blame is apportioned to one or other party, but he is partly responsible for either picking badly, for allowing the relationships to falter, or for letting them get to breaking point without realising that was the position.

Regarding contact with the latest ex-DIL, I can understand your wish to contact her, but if after the first contact you feel you got nowhere, any further contact could reasonably be viewed by her as harrassment. Perhaps she doesn't want to go into details for good reason. I think you have to accept her position.

Thank you all for your advice. I accept that to outsiders it would appear that I am interfering but I have hardly featured in their relationship - they live hundereds of miles away. My first contact after the initial break up was when there seemed to be a chance of reconciliation and because I knew she was unhappy having moved her job and home to be with him when they married and I was/am genuinely concerned for both their happiness. I also know only too well that he has his failings and I most certainly do not apportion blame to either party. It is my business inasmuchas the fact that we do form relationships with our sons/daughters in law and have shared several years of birthdays/Christmases and other family occasions where this DIL has been made welcome. It hurts to be shut out but I am not asking her to explain to ME why she left - that IS none of my business. My son is genuinely hurt and bemused and like all parents I want to support him which I am doing to the best of my ability. I bear her no ill will but her behaviour has been appalling and maybe they are both doing some sticking their heads in the sand. It may well be that she left for the same reason she left the first husband - another man, but what has she to lose by telling the truth? It could not hurt my son more.

arghghghhg, did you read anything I wrote! please don't leap to believe that she left your sone 'for the same reason' (ie another man). You have no evidence for that do you (yet!?) It may turn out to be that but please don't sit on the side lines half expecting that.

You are being the classic mother-in-law by not wondering even briefly it seems what failings your son might have had!! (maybe he's perfect I don't know) but he also had a failed marriage under his belt yes?

Maybe she left because your son was a disappointment as a man, and that is not the kind of thing she can ever explain to him, or to you. Is that a 'truth' you would hear? Would you accept her truth if she tried to tell you? her truth is probably going to be something that doesn't sit right with you, but that doesn't make her a 'liar' so my advice would be not to dig, and if you can, don't wonder.

Forget about her now. Your son has two failed marriages now. Perhaps he should ask himself some questions too??? I say that kindly because I have one fiasco behind me, but I did learn a heck of a lot.

Sorry but again, it is not your business.

You say in the post above "it is my business inasmuchas the fact "

No.

it isn't

Sorry but you really really need to step away.

I will 110% guarantee that your son know exactly why she left.

Even if he doesn't want to acknowledge or accept it, I will guarantee he knows why.

Oh and maybe he made the same mistake with his second wife that he made with the first.

Maybe it's not the DIL you need to examine for failings - maybe it's your son.

Diggs exactly, now I'm not suggesting that the OP's son did this, but the reason I left my x was because he was verbally, emotionally, physically and financially abusive! His mother won't believe a word of it, the story she believes is that I left for an easy life because I'm lazy. Well,,,,,,,,,, life is certainly easier now!

The point is, there could be a lot your son is ashamed of, his temper? HIS unreasonable behaviour? premature ejaculation?! who knows?

I bear her no ill will but her behaviour has been appalling

Has it? How? You say yourself you don't know the full story and this has happened twice now. I refer you to my earlier post.

It is my business inasmuchas the fact that we do form relationships with our sons/daughters in law and have shared several years of birthdays/Christmases

No , its not . Its not any of your business at all although i can understand how upset you are for your son . Ill say again i find it absurd that your son claims to not know the cause . It could be that it is your dil who has behaved badly , your son might not want to say because he hopes to reconsile with her , but obviously neither of them want to tell you , as is their right .

"He has a responsible job where he says it would not be possible to take anti depressants to help him through."

I believe to be bollocks.

And also that your ds isn't telling you the full story. He's been married before too - perhaps some of the blame lies with him?

And of course you are being shut out - it wasn't you marriage, was it?

But it really is best if you leave well alone.

Presumably you wouldnt be that rude or intrusive as to contact a freind or neighbour and ask them highly intrusive questions about their marriage breakdown ? I say this a lot on here , but being in a relationship / family or related or whatever doesnt give people special rights or priveledge .If you wouldnt say it or do it to a freind or neighbour you shouldnt do it or say it to her . She deserves the same respect and privacy as you would afford a freind or neighbour. Being her mil doesnt give you special rights.

Shes probably angry re your contact because it will be blatently obvious to her that your son is whinging to you that he doesnt know the reasons when he obviously does . Thats actually a bit manipulative of him . He really should say that its private and that he doesnt want to discuss it .

"but what has she to lose by telling the truth? It could not hurt my son more."

The very painful fact may be that she may already have told your son the truth. She may have told him on many occasions and in very clear terms.

I have a friend who split up with her partner, for reasons that were fully explained to him. I know she explained because on more than one occasion I was with her when she was trying to explain it (yet again, 5 months, 6 months, one year on, tearfully, on the phone) but he really did have a desperately difficult time processing what had happened. Five years later he persuaded a new girlfriend to track my friend down to ask what had happened and why had she left. It was heartbreaking - the new girlfriend thought that a quick, though painful conversation, would release him from his torment. He just needed "his answer."

Five years on - after countless attempts to explain directly - and he was still struggling to process it and believed, quite truly, that he did not know why my friend had acted as she did. I am not saying this is definitely the same case for your son, but there is a risk that it could be and I don't know that a mother, however close and loving would be in any position to know for certain. The ex's family believed his version wholly - they were all bright, educated reasonable people, as was he, but it wasn't the reality.

Please encourage your son to find relationship counselling - find a safe environment, away from friends and family to assess what has happened to him and how to move forward. This isn't a one off, it's twice now. It really would be terrible to get caught in the mental trap my friend's ex was in. All his family, by his account, saw my friend as the bad woman who had left him for no reason because that is what he told them. And yet none of that was true.