Mother in Law/ Daughter in Law

[Jackadabackies]

My son's wife recently left him suddenly and with very little explanation. He is understandably devastated and desperately in need of answers. It would seem that my daughter in law had been thinking about this for some time but for him it was a shock. Maybe he should have been more intuitive and maybe there is more to it than I am aware of. I am trying very hard to remain neutral and have contacted my daughter in law three times asking her to please tell him what led to this sorry state of affairs. Sadly this is the second time this has happened to my son in six years. His Dad and I were very concerned that he was marrying on the rebound but our daughter in law (whose second marriage it is also) was adamant that they both knew what they were doing and that she could never hurt him as his first wife had. DIL has been angered by my attempts to contact her but I have told her I am not judging, I know there are two sides, but could she please try to explain to my son as I feel honesty could help him understand and reduce the hurt all round. She has moved out and effectively shut the door in the faces of all their mutual friends and all her in laws. My son is very open with me and we have gone round and round in circles getting nowhere for a month and I can see his health deteriorating. He now seems to be withdrawing from the situation and pretending it has not happened although he still has a lot of organising to do such as packing up their rented house, which he is just avoiding. He has a responsible job where he says it would not be possible to take anti depressants to help him through. I am at my wits end to know how to help him and to make the DIL see that we accept that break ups happen but want to help both of them.

Sadly this is the second time this has happened to my son in six years.

...and so it's probably something he's doing wrong...

I'm sure he knows well why she left but doesn't want to explain it to you. It could be something embarassing he doesn't want to tell his parents like a porn addiction or maybe erectile disfunction or something....

Can I ask you something?

Is he spoilt? Did you do everything for him as a child?...does he pull his weight with housework, responsibilities etc?

The reason I ask that is it's fainty ridiculous of you to have contacted his wife 3 times...he's old enough to fight his own battles. You should be able to see that. So if you always have been overprotecting him like this he will quite possibly have been a nightmare to live with...

God, I think people are being very hard on the OP. All she's asking is that her DIL talks to the OP's son to tell him why she left. I appreciate that he's probably been told, but then the DIL could just write, Dear OP, I have explained it thoroughly and if he is unable to process that then it's his own fault.

The OP is not asking why they broke up. She's trying to deal with a distraught son.

And to say it must be his fault because someone left him before - that is ridiculous! If someone's dumped you before then it's your fault this time, too? Let everyone who's never been dumped stand up, eh?

I think the OP should encourage her son to see a counsellor - he must be going through a terrible time.

'And to say it must be his fault because someone left him before - that is ridiculous! If someone's dumped you before then it's your fault this time, too?'

I for one didn't say it 'must be' I said 'probably' -it's unusual enough for lightening to strike twice.

'Let everyone who's never been dumped stand up, eh?'

I've never been dumped but I have left someone. It's a lot of work in terms of legal, financial etc and not a decision people enter in lightly.

Now maybe OP's son has just been unlucky and met two flighty, feckless women who both left him whimsically. It's possible.

But, as the son is the common denominator in both failed marriages it's probable that it's something to do with him imo.

Not going to comment on whose fault it is, but just to offer a possible solution. Maybe the fact that he doesn't see the problem is the problem! If perhaps she thinks he has an anger problem (let's say for argument's sake) but he cannot see that at all, and she has been trying to get him to see that, but he won't. Well, then if this continued over a long enough period, then I do think not recognising the problem could become a problem in itself. Not a very good example, but you get the point.

OP- you may have noticed MILs aren't very popular on MN
and are viewed and treated with wariness and suspicion.

And as to he must have known why she left, I've read a few 'my husband left out of the blue' threads.

The general consensus is usually that he is having an affair.

So it may not be your son's fault even though he's the common-denominator in two marriages.

Well I am a MIL, so I don't have a natural bias against 'em, and my late MIL was a total sweetie. I agree that people of both sexes do leave out of the blue sometimes and that maybe the poor fellow has indeed done nothing wrong - it happens. However I also believe strongly that whatever this woman has done she is not accountable to his mother. Frankly, had my MIL been alive when I split with her son, I would not have well received a letter saying I should explain it to him because "honesty could help him understand". You can believe me or not as you wish, but nobody could have been more honest or anxious to make herself understood than I was. However the only "explanation" XH would have understood was "I made a mistake so I'm coming back to you", preferably with a side order of "I am so sorry to have tried to leave that I will let you walk all over me to the end of my days". Anything else, he just wasn't hearing.

Funnily enough he too veered between saying I was leaving for another man, and saying he had no idea what my problem was (when I patently wasn't with another man, or he was talking to someone who knew me better than that). And you could have sworn, listening to him, that he believed every word.

So: no, you don't know, and unfortunately you probably never will. You may be harassing a woman who was at the end of her tether but is too nice to dump the facts on you, or pleading with a heartless harpy who couldn't care less whether her ex gets closure on their relationship because she's moved on. The truth, as usual, is probably somewhere in between.

Re counselling, he may benefit from some if only to get to the bottom of why he has twice picked a woman who would do this to him.

Oh, and I call bullshit on the "can't take ADs" claim too. I bet he hasn't sat down and had a good talk with his occupational health adviser and/or GP.

Oh look, it is really best if you minded your own business on this. My EX-MIL was a bit like you appear here; full of good intentions (and we all know where they lead to). Couldn't accept that her perfect son could be at fault about anything. You have no rights over her because she married your son. Keep out of it.

If DH and I split and MIL phoned me asking anything it would make me very angry, to say the least. Really, you are not helping. Stay out.

AnnieGetYourGun, great post there.

I would also be angry if my MIL asked me about my relationship. OP you say that it is your business d to the relationship you have built with DIL...but unfortunately that's not the case.

With ex DILS there is no longer any duty towards one another....in some cases a deep fiendship remains even after a divorce. But that is not the case here and you are going to have to allow your son to deal with this without your help.

If she was ever considering getting back with him, or even telling him "the truth" the one thing that will stop her (and IMO running to Brazil for facial reconstruction and asking MI5 for a new identity) is a bunny boiling MIL on her back.

Of course you are on your son's side. Of course you don't want to believe he had anything to do with her leaving. Of course you want to make it all right for him.

But he sounds a bit of a drip if he's letting you tbh. Does he know you're doing this? Because if you were my Mother, ringing my ex and harassing them,I'd have the dogs on you.

Do your bit. Support your son. Cut your losses as far as your daughters-in-law are concerned. Maybe encourage him to be a bit more selective next time. But leave the other women alone.

OP if you're still around, I held down a stressful job only because i was on ADs. They're what prevented me from getting the sack!

To be honest, if you have any sort of history of trying to micro-manage his life while he was growing up for example, then it's likely that this could well have caused him some difficulties now.

I see that you are concerned for your son, and as a mother myself (although my children and only young) I can understand why. I would be devastated if my childs marriage split up and I would love to help my child get through it. But trying to get your DIL to contact your son / give him an explanation is not the way to go. I mean this in the nicest way, as I am sure you are upset as is your son. But you are pushing your DIL further away by getting involved. No matter what your son says, there could be more to it. He might know more than he is saying. On the other hand, he might not have a clue why she left. But really it is not your place to contact the DIL. She will not thank you for it and your son probably won't either. I hope you take these replies on board, most people are posting the same thing. There is a reason for that. I hope things work out for your son x

"Obviously no one here knows, but i would bet money that it is for the same reason that HER first marriage finished. if you know that- there's your answer."

That is a load of rubbish. As his mother you will never know both sides of the story, so stop trying and just support him when he needs it. But don't get into playing the blame game, or deciding she has behaved badly, because you just don't know what has driven them/her to this point.