I don't want this relationship but how will I cope?

[Sphinxii]

I don't know what to do.........
I've been with my fiance 8 years. He lived in oz and his wife & kids up and left and came back to UK. I met him days later after he came back to Uk as well, and there the trouble began.
He had a drink problem for starters, he hadn't had a good upbringing and had (has) one hell of a chip on his shoulder. To cut a long story short it took me many years of verbal and emotional abuse before i finally got him off the booze. His kids who are now young adults don't want anyhing to do with him. We have a gorgeous 2 yr old son together.
He has weighed me down for so many years with his depressing, miserable, moaning ways. He doesn't want a life, he barely talks, we don't do anything together or as a family, we don't even sleep in the same bed let alone have a sex life. I have been on anti-depressents so many times because he has made me so miserable.
I can barely get out of bed and find looking after a two yr old very demanding. He calls me a lazy cow infront of the neighbours. We lost our house in the recession and now rent. He lost me my previous job because of his drunken outbursts. Oh my god there is so much to say but at the end of it he says how much he loves me? I think the tables have turned and now I just want rid, I am so unhappy and just want to be with my son but how will I manage emotionally, financially. I scream and shout and throw and break things in fits of rage and temper because he just will not go, he refuses to leave. This is breaking my heart as my son sees all of it. He is a good father but We do not have one happy memory or one photo of us together, this cannot be right?
My sister once said she met someone who told her that people have one of two types of auras. One type is a warm, comforting, giving happy etc and the other a needy weighty, sucks all your energy type. TThe latter is him and he has sunk me so low........ as well as this I have put on so much weight ( i am 18/19 st ) I have no energy, no self asteem, no nothing. All I have is my son and I love him so much.
But he is a good father and i believe a child should have two parents. I know people will say one happy parent is better than two unhappy ones but really, I don't want to be a single mother statistic, I have seen my sister do it twice and it's hard.
I am so confused.

Do you want to remain unhappy forever?

Sometimes we have to compromise in life, and that is what you are going to have to do, you either stay where you are in an unhappy life and relationship, or you do what is best for your child and you and that is start afresh on your own.

Work towards to getting better yourself, losing weight if you want to, giving your son a happy life, it is far from happy now and your child should take priority.

"I scream and shout and throw and break things in fits of rage and temper because he just will not go, he refuses to leave. This is breaking my heart as my son sees all of it."

I wouldn't leave my son with you either tbh.

Why can't you move out? Genuine question.

I think you have to take responsibility for your own happiness. I can't imagine what life must be like for your son living with two parents who are so depressed and down on each other. You don't want to be a single mother which is understandable but what about your son? You have a responsibility towards him too.

Much better to be a happy single parent than to keep putting your son through this terrible marriage.

Why can't I move out?

Thats the same as asking someone who is suffering Domestic violence why don't they move out?

It isn't as easy as five little words is it! Finding a home, money and support to move? they are the first two things that spring to mind.

Thank you all for your words of kindness, wisom, support and encouragement, it's been an eye opener.

I'm a professional single mum. I confessed to GP and family I had been drunk 3 times in front of my DD. My DD was removed. She may be adopted, because of the past. SS are VERY serious. Forget auras, and any other justifying factors. Protect your DC - else you will lose them

You need to put your kids first. You KNOW this isn't healthy for them to see.

I was in a miserable relationship with a man who pulled the joy out of me

I am a single parent now. It's hard. It's not easy. But I am a million bazillion times happier than I was when I was married.

My DP doesn't live with me, but he makes me happy every day even thinking about him I go all warm and fuzzy. The difference between how he makes me feel and how my ex made me feel is like night and day.

To quote the wonderful Ms Monroe

"It's better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone"

Worrying about how you will cope isn't what you should be thinking about in my opinion.

He isn't a good father and you are not a good mother at the moment so you need to take steps to sort that out now.

You opened your post by saying you don't know what to do. We have advised you as to what you should do but it seems you don't really want to so that.

You need to speak to someone and ask for help in improving your situation, for your son's sake. If you really want to change your situation you will find a way.

Ok, let's look at the practicalities:

1. do you own the house or is it rented?
2. Both names or one name?
3. Do you work? If so, can you claim WTC and CTC?
4. If you don't work, could you try to find somet6hing even if it's just shelf stacking?
5. Do you have any family anywhere at all who could help you out?
6. Has your partner assaulted you, threatened assault or been intimidating/harrassed you? If so then you may get a non molestation injunction and an occupation order (that he slings his hook).

We want to help you OP, but you have to be brave and help yourself too.

He is a good father

Nothing you have written supports this.

Writing your post shows that you are aware of the situation. It's up to you whether you allow it to continue or not. It seems clear that the rest of your life will continue along the same path unless you take action. No-one else can do it for you, but you'll get a lot of support on this forum if you want to make the change.

Thats the same as asking someone who is suffering Domestic violence why don't they move out?

Do you know what? - it is fucking not the same thing at all actually. You are responsible for your own happiness - you sound depressed but you are rational enough to know that this is incredibly fucked up and very very damaging to your DC - you know this so sort it out right now.

You know what you need to do so do it. To be absolutely honest you are putting your apathy in front of the safety of your child. No matter what your situation is this is wrong - yes it is going to be hard but there are lots of people doing it so please get off your backside and sort this out.

I think the OP has been scared off

i I am here mumblechum1 and thank you for being one of the few people that have tried to constructively help, not judge and throw accusations.

To pinkytheshrinky, firstly I do not appreciate being sworn at by a stranger and I regret i still disagree, it is the same, having been through both in different relationships, and that is my opinion of which I am entitled to have and stick by stongly. Being frightened to leave a relationship for whatever abuse is in question is the same thing!

When you are with someone long enough for them to be able to strip you of everything that is you, when you are so isolated that you have no one to turn to, you find yourself in a very deep hole. I show that little boy more love than a lot could imagine. He is safe and well and no harm has ever and will never come to him. I just take and take and take and bottle everything up for so long and on RARE occasions I blow, I didn't mean to make it sound as if this happens all the time because it doesn't. Although I do realise it shouldn't happen at all.

I do not intend to have slanging matches with people on here I know my faults and yes I do know what I need to do.

Do you not see that TBH, the damage that has been done to your self esteem, the name calling in front of your neighbours, the arguments etc IS domestic violence?

Your DS IS growing up in a poisonous environment.

Please slow down. Right now. STOP.

Take a breath.

READ your OP back as if it were a stranger and with the experience YOU have, tell her what YOU think she would be best off doing.

Do you think she should stay with this guy, or face up to the fact that she will never change him? Do you think it's fair on her son to keep him in that environment? Or would she be happy knowing he grows up to treat HIS wife like your OH is treating you?

Love, you know what you need to do. You are coming on here seeking validation and support. Your situation is serious enough for everyone to come on and say, WTF? of COURSE you need to get the hell out! What are you waiting for?

It's easy to read when someone else is writing it, harder when people are writing TO YOU.

Dear Girl, no-one (that is happy) lives like this. I used to live like this and worse on occasions tbh. I did it for 10 years. but he is GONE now. I feel better. much better.

What are you scared of? How bad do you think it could get? Really? From where we are sitting, if you left, it could only get better. For you. For your DS.

You are renting. GREAT, get the name off the tenancy and go rent somewhere else. He is 2yo? super, you can try and get a part-time job while he is in nursery.

Are you near family? Could you be? You call the shots in your life, remember that, it's time to be a little bit braver and take a leap of faith and get yourself free of this dreadful existence.

I promise, long term, you will not regret it, no matter how hard the journey.

Thank you herhissyness, that is what i needed to hear.

I met my X aged 32. I am now 42. Only when I reached 40 did I realise that being with someone, being in a relationship at any cost, where the only person that was apparently content with the way things were going was him.

He clearly felt entitled to treat me like shit, but I didn't want to be a single parent, I didn't want DS(5) to grow up without a dad.

Now I can see all the crap I went through just so I wasn't a statistic, how it affected our DS, how sad it made me to exist in a cage, being insulted and humiliated daily, I feel the biggest prick on earth. Why the hell did I leave it so long.

Don't be a prick The fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself!

Be brave, do the right thing. Who knows, once you have found your old YOU again, you may find someone who WILL make you happy, but that'll never happen while you are with this drain of a human being.

You have hit the nail right on the head, that is exactly how I am feeling.

I do need to be brave and I will be, thanks.

You KNOW you can do this, don't you?

If I can do it, and I am a total wuss, you can do it.

Yes I know I can, I've always known that I can, it's just taking that final leap. I have actually done it a couple of times but he just wouldn't leave me alone. He is like a limpet, he will not let go.

I did it too. I left last year and moved into a refuge. I had been building up to it for two years. One day I just couldn't take any more and called the refuge, they got me out straight away. The reality wasn't a fraction as bad as I had imagined it to be and I can honestly say it was the best thing I ever did. I now have a little house, a nice job, friends and a life! I also have a permanent smile on my face! [busmile]

You can do this!!

Of course he won't let go, he has a dog to kick whenever he needs to make himself feel better.

You think my lump of shite went quietly? hell no! He is thankfully in another country, but still deluded, still trying to tweak and manipulate.

Today I had my first, very first BBQ. Just me and my mum and DS (5) it was great, a good trial run, next time it'll be even better. So this is ONE more entry onto the list of 'Stuff i don't need a Man for!' Life is good.

he knows there is something up, he is being all nicey nicey. When to do it and take the plunge? My DS's 2nd b-day is the start of May, should I leave it til after or do it now?

He's not going to leave me alone, i know it! Will have to change the locks. He'll keep waring me down, grinding away until I give in. He usually cries like a baby then when he sees it's not working he'll turn nasty then the trears again and it's a vicious circle.

I'm so scared, I feel like I'm taking ds's daddy away from him. Will he hate me.

Do it when you are ready. Don't panic, don't rush it, unless the situation deteriorates to a point where you are in danger.

You know this is a ploy to keep you hooked, this is the cycle of abuse (google it). If he turns nasty, he has justified every single reason you are doing this for.

You can tell DS that daddy will always love him and that you will always love DS, but that Daddy and you are not going to be able to get on, can't live together, and it's making you very sad. Tell him no-one can be a good mummy or daddy when they are that sad, and that'll it'll be OK. He's young enough to get over it soon enough to be honest, just keep calm and support him when he needs you to.

DS is 5, so much more aware, and he (so far) doesn't hate me, he loves being part of Our Team. He loves having me all to himself.

Oh and YOU are not taking Daddy away, Daddy is choosing alcohol and abuse over his family.

Single life may be hard, but the life you are living now is harder!