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Original poster

Why has he just not learned yet?

30 replies

angrymomma · 24/04/2011 21:52

Ex DH had 3 DCs all weekend. When they returned earlier I asked them what they had been doind...they said "nothing".

Am so pissed about this. The weather has been amazing and they have spent all weekend in the house whilst EX watched sport on TV.

THIS WAS WHY I LEFT HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE. He just never made time or did anything with the children, HIS children.

Every bloody weekend was the same, we did nothing as a family. He never wanted to go anywhere with us, we always went without him.

So I left because I was basically a single parent washing his clothes, cooking his meals, and servicing his willy. I figured we would be the same if we moved out....so I did.

You would think the EX would have sort of 'caught on' to this by now, surely? But, no, he still does sod all with the DCs and just expects them to entertain themselves all weekend. They get fed McDonalds and KFC then get shunted off to bed so he can watch more TV.

Is it me or are men just completely incapable of actually interacting with their own children?

I realise I cannot stop him seeing them, but would appreciate a bit mor enthusiasm on his part. However, apart from actually giving him a written itinery I don't really know how to handle this. Any advice?

OP posts:
pozzled · 24/04/2011 22:00

"Is it me or are men just completely incapable of actually interacting with their own children?"

It's not you, but it's certainly not men in general- just your Ex.

I don't think there's a lot you can do tbh, he is their Dad and he has the right to choose his parenting style provided he is not neglecting or harming them. How old are the DCs? If they are really bored they'll stop wanting to go once they are old enough to give their own opinion.

rednose · 24/04/2011 22:05

You have to accept that what he does with them is his decision and out of your control. I have a stay at home dh and very quickly realised that I couldnt and shouldnt decide their itinery.
The kids will realise quickly that going to dads is not much fun and vote with their feet- chill a little and realise that your decision to leave him was the right one but that the children will always be a part of his life -sori its so blunt but ur stressing bout an issue u cant fix x

hairylights · 24/04/2011 22:12

Why have you not learned yet? What made you think he would have changed? Men like this don't change. Why did you not stop at one dc when you knew what he was like?

Men like this dont just magically change.

Original poster
angrymomma · 24/04/2011 22:12

The DCs are too young ATM to actually decide not to visit their dad. And I don't want to stop them being with him.

But it just makes my blood boil that he just can't be arsed to do stuff with them. I don't expect him to entertain their every waking hour, but I don't think it's too much to ask that he takes them to the local park say especially with the lovely weather. I mean, they're not bloody battery hens.

I also feel dissappointed that, even though he is well aware that the main reason we split was his lack of interest in family life, he STILL carries on the same. He doesn't seem to have learnt anything from our sep.

OP posts:
vickylou2004 · 24/04/2011 22:12

I agree with pozzled.

Not all men are bad at interacting with their children. My DH is fantastic with my children, plays with them, lets them climb all over him, makes them laugh!

How old are your children? Hopefully he will see that he needs to spend quality time with them before they can't be arsed with him and it's too late-POOR KIDS!

Do you speak to him about it, if so what does he say?

pozzled · 24/04/2011 22:21

He either doesn't care enough to make an effort, or he doesn't feel that it's necessary. He may know perfectly well why you left him but that doesn't mean he has to agree with you. He probably thinks the children are happy with their KFCs and TV, and don't need anything more.

HerBEggs · 24/04/2011 22:26

No it's not all men who are shit fathers, just some of them and one of them is the father of your children, which is unfortunate for them and for you.

You simply have to accept that you cannot do anything about this and you're going to have to try to emotionally disconnect from his beahviour - a very difficult task because anything that affects your children obviously has your emotional involvement.

You sound as though you are still hoping for some sort of lightbulb moment from him. It ain't gonna happen. He will carry on being a tosser for years and the sooner you are emotionally distant from that and can regard his behaviour with cold disdain rather than fury, the better for you and for your children. Accept the fact that he's a shit parent and will never be anything else, and you will be able to cope with the fact that he does nothing with the kids. Just carry on being the good parent.

DioneTheDiabolist · 24/04/2011 22:33

It's time to have a word. Talk to your Ex, tell him that you are pissed off that your children are effectively trapped in his house at the weekend. Ask him if he really wants to see them and if so why does he spend most of their time together ignoring them?

Original poster
angrymomma · 24/04/2011 22:36

The thing that I really find so hard to get my head round is the fact that he has already done this parenting thing and ballsed that up too. He has a DS who is now 20, who never visits and only contacts us at times of need, ie, money.

EX was exactly the same with him, in fact when we started seeing each other, it was me who had to entertain his DS on weekend visits while EX watched footy on TV. Although, TBF, he did manage to phone for a pizza to be delivered at half time Hmm.

I just think that we are all capable of learning from our mistakes....well, in most cases. Some apparently not.

BTW, DCs are 9, 4 and 3, so aren't really old enough to form their own opinions yet and tell their dad to get stretched.

OP posts:
Stopthenonsense · 24/04/2011 22:43

He's shown you who he is for years, so believe him, he's not going to change.

Did his interaction with his older son not ring any alarm bells about what sort of Dad he'd be?

hairylights · 24/04/2011 22:43

So... You expect him to learn yet you yourself didn't learn until you'd allowed him to treat four dc like this, and three if them were your own dc? Confused

He isn't neglecting abusing or putting your children in danger and your kids have a right to see him.

You are going to need to find a way to
live with it as he is their dad.

Getting mad and angry is only going to make you feel bad it won't help anyone.

HerBEggs · 24/04/2011 22:57

Actually he is neglecting them, it is total emotional neglect but as it isn't physical, the social services won't get involved so the OP simply has to accept that this shit level of parenting is legal in England so she can't do anything about it.

Just concentrate on remembering that you can't do anything about it OP, so there's no point getting stressed about it. Concentrate on being a good parent yourself, that will make up for his shortcomings.

HerBEggs · 24/04/2011 22:59

And in fact, not giving kids any exercise is physical neglect as well. It would be a major issue if it was happening every day. But as it's not, it can be borne with.

DioneTheDiabolist · 24/04/2011 23:22

Angrymomma, stop beating yourself up about what you should have known. Make what you know work for your DCs.

Tell him what your kids want from him and the minimum you expect. Make it reasonable and present it in a way that he can't refuse and explain clearly the cost of messing this arrangement up. Give him the chance and if he messes up then take control for the sake of your children.

If you have to, cut back the time spent with DCs to 4 hours (in the park/zoo, at the beach, whatever). 4 Hours spent with their dad is better than spending 48 hours with a man who has no interest in them at all.

MrsFlittersnoop · 24/04/2011 23:29

Angrymomma - I I really feel your pain. Ex-DP is truly dreadful - selfish bugger drags ASD DS to unsuitable activities such as Legalise Cannabis festivals on the far side of London, but has never once in 12 years facilitated DS's own social life (i.e. taken him to see his friends or invited them to visit).

But - is there really anywhere in the world where failing to provide physical activity for DC every day warrants Social Services involvement?

Don't mean to hijack, but really - I do get v. sick of this "in England, everything is so shite" nonsense. Where PRECISELY are things so v.v. different and children's daily PE activity is monitored by the authorities? The former East Germany?

Spero · 24/04/2011 23:32

He won't change. If you leaving him wasn't a wake up call, nothing will be.

He won't change.

Your children are at risk of being bored. That's not great, but it still makes them luckier than 99% of children in the world.

Once they can vote with their feet, they will. That is a shame for all of them.

But he won't change.

You can either grit your teeth and accept that and let it go, or you can continue to boil over with rage and frustration.

But he won't change!

HerBEggs · 24/04/2011 23:35

Big jump you're making there MrsF. I don't think I implied tht this level of inactivity would elicit state involvement elsewhere. (I have no idea if it does or not. Shit parenting isn't just an English thing, I have no idea why you think I said that.)

If children are so inactive that they do nothing but watch TV, then that is quite clearly neglect. If other more serious neglect is going on and makes a big impact on children's lives, then in some places in Britain, depending on budgets, SS will get involved and physical inactivity will be one of the thing they will make recommendations on.

HerBEggs · 24/04/2011 23:37

But obviously in this case none of that is applicable anyway as the children presumably spend most of their time with the OP.

Spero · 24/04/2011 23:37

I would be absolutely amazed if SS got involved because children are being left to watch TV. There would have to be a lot more nasty stuff going on. The legal test is risk of 'significant harm'. Leaving children to watch TV doesn't come close unless it is all day, every day and they are not fed or cleaned.

FriedEggyAndSlippery · 24/04/2011 23:40

No, you can't force someone to be a good parent. It sucks.

I think you just have to accept it TBH. Why waste your energy trying to make him do things when he's just not going to learn. Focus on YOU and your lovely DCs - you are the family, you can do all the fun stuff.

It really really sucks that your poor DCs have such a lazy sod as their sperm donor dad. But you cannot change this. Try to remember the positive here. You escaped it. The DCs are not subject to this pathetic parenting all the time. And soon they will realise. Of course that will be sad, but they will realise how much more fun life can be without him dragging them down.

MrsFlittersnoop · 24/04/2011 23:47

Kids just being left to watch TV indoors on a nice sunny day and not being taken outsie for physical activity instead does not constitute neglect in this or any other country as far as I am aware.

Unless they all end up hugely obese with mobility issues as a result. Which they won't. Because this is about a sunny weekend. Not an ongoing parental lifestyle choice.

Presumably the OP doesn't allow this to happen. Hence her OP. Hmm

I have a great deal of sympathy with her.

DioneTheDiabolist · 24/04/2011 23:51

There is something that you can try to do about this though. Talk to him!

Original poster
angrymomma · 24/04/2011 23:54

Fried egg, that is what makes me so mad, and sad at the same time. There are really nice dads out there who actually want to spend time with their kids.

Mrs F I have to admot, you lost me there really. What was that about Germany?

Look, I don't expect EX to run them round the park all day in order to get their full quota of excericise, just want him to take an interest.

And no I did not pick up on the messages before we had DCs together. I think I was of the opinion that he would have matured enough to be a 'real' father this time round. unfortunately, I was wrong, and my desire to have more children, overlooked his ineptitude.

Do I speak to him about this, or am I flogging a dead horse?

OP posts:
FriedEggyAndSlippery · 24/04/2011 23:58

Dead horse I'm afraid. By all means give it a try but I wouldn't get my hopes up if I were you :(

MrsFlittersnoop · 24/04/2011 23:58

"I don't think I implied that this level of inactivity would elicit state involvement elsewhere. (I have no idea if it does or not. Shit parenting isn't just an English thing, I have no idea why you think I said that)"

Ahem .. " it is total emotional neglect but as it isn't physical, the social services won't get involved so the OP simply has to accept that this shit level of parenting is legal in England so she can't do anything about it "

Quod erat etc.