Peeled i too have never been good with boundarys leading to a abusive marriage and horrible divorce . I had no idea what was and wasnt ok and even when i did i felt wrong and guilty for saying something about it . Id also constantly ask freinds "Is it me ect ect " , as i was so unsure of myself i wasnt even sure it was ok for me to feel a certain way !!
I had counselling via womens aid which was brilliant and really made me see things differantly . She quickly established that i did not have a problem recognising boundrys on behalf of my dcs , i knew straight away that a boundry was crossed and i would act accordingly . I also didnt have a problem with freinds or strangers , it was just romantic relationships.
We obviously talked about boundrys in length and i still struggled . She said that because of my upbringing / societys veiws ect i had conformed to the idea that romantic partners have special rights and priveledges . I couldnt have agreed more . She said that most people have a ruler , or some sort of inner standard to measure against , but that mine was faulty , so that when i was unsure , to toss my own " ruler " away , and to use the dcs ruler . If it wasnt ok for someone to do it to them , it wasnt ok to do it to me .
She also stressed that if i wouldnt put up with it from a freind , i shouldnt put up with it from a man and the expectation should be exactly the same . I should add that although i say ive been no good with boundrys , i have always recognized a violation , ive always known it was wrong , but have struggled to verbalize that , to stand up for myself . When i have , i have often allowed others to argue about it or tell me im being ridiculous or to emotionally manipulate me into feeling bad for bringing it up .
The counseller stressed to me the importance of acknowleding immediateley that you dont like a certain behaviour , and how to do that in a non confrontational way , just making it clear . She said that if you have to do this three times to come away and call it quits , that particular person clearly doesnt hear you and has a problem respecting boundrys . The three rule i have struggled with sometimes , and on occasion i have felt that i was being harsh or petty .
Ie , i was dating someone , i liked him , he was fun and nice ect , but he would often tickle me . It sounds harmless , but i dont like it and i find it painfull and a form of torture , i told him this clearly yet still he would do it occasionally . Luckily i was still seeing counseller and explained that i felt petty and silly binning him on this basis . She had a differant veiw , that he had ignored my feelings on more than 3 differant occasions , he had felt it his right to do something to my body despite the fact i didnt like it .
I felt bad about this and wondered if i had been fair , and that perhaps i should have stressed it was a deal breaker , she said No , no doubt he would have stopped but then have done something else , did i want to be with someone who has to be told how to behave ? Theres also the social side of this i find difficult , some people dont get it and activeley encourage you to tolerate bad behaviour , after all theyre " just men and there like that " , ive been told im picky , that i was ridiculous to dump tickle guy ect ect .
I do find it hard to ignore these sort of comments , but then again , these sort of comments and pressure are part of the reason i got here in the first place.