What happens when you don't fancy them anymore??

[dangerdog]

It has been a couple of years now, that i do not fancy my dp. i have 2 children under 2. It has got to the point now when he comes near me i feel sick. We have not had sex for 1 year because of me. He knows that i don't want that type of relationship with him but he says he is staying so that he hopes my feelings will change. He has hurt me so many times in the past with things (not physically). That i can not forgive him. We own a house together where i have put an enormous deposit down and he is paying for the other half of the morgage. We have registered the kids together too. If we split up i will have to move far away or payfor this house which i could never afford to do. It is way above a salary i could get. This is why i have stayed and with the two kids under 2. it is very hard. I am always feeling down about it. But do not know what to do.

In the past i have posted a similiar message but i was just told to leave him by people who had left there partners. I think i need advice from people in the same boat. Or that people have got through it. i don't know but i need help..

Thanks

I think you need to try to get the spark back. Is it just that you don't fancy him or is it that your sex-drive in general is non-existent ? Would you consider seeing a sex-therapist together or going to a couples therapist ?

Do you love him ?

Do you think that, if you could get over the things he's done to you in the past or if you could get some romance back into your relationship, you could see yourself ever fancying him again? Do you want to fancy him again? Because if you want to get that spark back then both of you have to work at it, and maybe something like Relate could help you.

Absolutely WWB. You have to feel that there is a chance of your relationship getting back on track, otherwise counselling with be no good. Staying for financial reasons alone is understandable but is a sad state of affairs for both you and DP, you both deserve to feel desired.

i have suggested relate to him for 2 years but because of his type of work and shift they will not accomodate him. He would only be able to go every 3-4 weeks. I have spoken to them many times. I think of him as a good friend. I thought my sex drive was down until i started noticing men again. I would never do anything whilst with him but maybe there is nothing wrong with my sex drive and just i don't want sex with my partner.

Sorry, Do i love him..

I do but i do not think it is in the way of a partnership/lovers love.

When you've been together for a while it's normal not to fancy each other in quite the same way you did at the start, but if you still love, like and respect each other then you can work on getting things back on track.

Do you think, maybe, that your sex drive has gone down because you have two children under two, rather than because you don't fancy him? That's normal too, but you still need to have some affection between the two of you, even if you're not having sex. Lack of sex doesn't have to mean lack of closeness and intimacy, and perhaps if you can start getting some closeness back it might be a start.

You can go to Relate on your own, you know. You don't have to go as a couple.

Can your dh take some days annual leave to allow you to go together?

I suppose i need to explain more about the past so you know about where i am at. I am the most affectionate loving talking person i know. My partner has never been the above, so whilst being with him i suppose i supressed what i really wanted and now i don't want that now. He does make an effort but not in the right areas and its just too late, i feel its gone for me. Even though i have told him many times. I want to go back to the real me. We do have many other issues too thats wrong. But supose its not right to go into all of them.

i don't have any child care or babysitters. His work tells him when he can have holidays..

Why don't you try going to Relate on your own? They might help you make sense of the way you're feeling and work through your issues so that you can work out what you really want.

Ah, no babysitters.

Could you afford something like a baby sitting agency? Do you have a friend or know a teenager who would babysit for you? If you really want to make things work, or work out what you want, you have to do something.

Cant afford. All my friends have young children and can not baby sit. Just moved to the area etc. Kids are very clingy and would also not settle at night with anyone they did not know..

I've had this. It happened twice, just after the birth of my children. I would fancy other men, even lust after them, but I didn't want anything to do with dh. I used to compare him unfavourably with other men - why were his legs so white and skinny? etc. Mine has really bad psorasis too and that didn't help, I would feel disgusted by him at times. I felt tremendously guilty about all of this and even spoke to him about splitting up. I loved him as you have said, as a friend, a brother even, but not as a lover.

However gradually things changed. I think he knew how I was feeling and so he began to make a bit more of an effort. He was kind to me, he supported me, and eventually I began to see these positives over the negatives.

It is true that you have to start from scratch. Remind yourself of why you are with him, what attracted you to him? Then discover if that same person is still there, because if he is then you can be attracted to him again. Try to get a couple of evenings out just as a couple. Do nice things for him, if you act in a nice way towards someone, not only will that niceness be repayed but you will find yourself liking that person. It really does work. If you can't go out, get a funny DVD and a bottle of wine. Read books together and review them to each other. Listen to music together. The idea is to do stuff together, so that you can relate to each other, find out about each other again.

It will come back, you just have to be patient and work on it. Be honest with him too, he has to help you out here, it's not just your problem.

Rhubard, thats very reassuring. He promises me all the time he will make an affort but then forgets, lets me down, or doesn't show, etc. He has to work so much and hard because of this poxy house we bought ast year. Had so many problems. We have rectified them but now we have to pay the debts. He is never around to rectify anything. We mainly have phone conversations these days.

This is going to sound really horrible, but i was very ill when i met him and he stuck by me. I didn't really look at him in a fancy way or really look at his faults or differences. But now i am reasonably well i am looking at them and nothing fits...

you find a younger model with a bigger package

When my sister had major marriage issues she told me that she was too frightened to leave - the money, house, all the legal upheaval, jobs etc terrified her. However, the thought of staying, terrified her too. She just couldn?t see past her DH?s infidelity and was too frightened to confront those feelings with him because she didn?t know where it would lead - and was worried that it might push her into leaving. They didn?t have children at this point so was slightly less messy.
Anyway, she did face up to her anger and feelings with him. They didn?t use any professional help but went away for a weekend break and spent the whole weekend in their room discussing it. I think it was a tough weekend but they came out of it as a couple and are now happily settled, got married a year afterwards and have 3 kiddies. I think she needed him to really understand what he had done to her, accept that it was unreasonable for her to forgive him just because he was genuinely sorry etc Also, she had to make the decision to let go of the anger, accept that she was still hurt but that the actions were in the past and she needed to make an effort to move on and allow him to apologise. Very hard to do but they did it.
I guess you need to consider if your relationship is worth the effort and trauma of dealing with all the past issues holding you back from moving on or whether it is time to call it a day.
Either decision is hard to make and I have so much sympathy for you. I saw what my sister went through and it was heart breaking but worth it. Try not to worry about the money and practical things. None of it is really that important in the bigger picture. Your family?s happiness is the real issue.
If you do end up splitting up, there are always ways around the financial issues and people out there to help you. Make your decision based on your relationship and nothing else.

Ok, you need to make an 'appointment' with him, a time when the kids are in bed and you can both sit down and talk. Make it non-threatening, have a nice meal first and get some wine ready. He's more likely to be open and honest with you if he is relaxed, he'll also be more prepared to listen.

Tell him that the problems you have are getting you down. You don't expect him to come up with the answers for them, and you know he is working hard to rectify them, but it is not helping the way you are feeling inside. Tell him his positives first, then tell him how you are feeling right now. Ask him to be as equally honest with you. Once you have laid your cards on the table you start to work towards solving some of the problems. You can even set a date, a deadline, say 3 months with both of you working hard at the relationship. If you feel the same way after 3 months then you need to have another discussion, book a date down so he knows that you mean it.

I didn't fancy my dh when I first met him. But I grew to fancy him and love him. He is still not my type physically, and we still have one or two problems, but basically I do love him and he has shown his love for me, so I do think that it is a relationship worth working at.

Hope some of this helps.

I htink relate might offer a phone/on-line counselling service - would be worth checking out.

ok i think one last attempt. We have sat down 5 times this year and nothing has changed. I have packed my bags with the kids in the car. Or packed his bags but nothing has changed. I can not keep doing this, his girl friends (not ex lovers) have always said he is a nice guy but they would never go aout with him, he is just too hard work.. I will do it one more time, maybe ( i will have a think tonight). Maybe give him 3 more months. But i think he knows i am scared and not financial able to. So he carries on. We have had so many face to face descussions and he just does not say anything just looks at the floor and says i don't want to go, i will try. But i say that this is what you always say.

In writing this i can see how weak i am. If i stay with him it will carry on like this and if we leave it will takes us years of hard work and not seeing much of the kids etc.

He has just woken up so i have to go. Will look later.

Thanks all

Ok, how about you start planning yourself? You could put your name on the waiting list for a housing association house, or you could go to the CAB and see where you stand financially if you left him. Armed with information you will be much stronger and he would have to respect that.

I refuse to believe that he is happy in a relationship without intimacy, he must want change just as much as you do, but one of you will have to make the jump or the cycle just continues. You have to show him how serious you are. Once you have all your information, then you sit him down, let him know what you have found out (gloss it over a bit to look better for you!) and then give him his deadline. If he knows that your threats are empty then he will not change, he has to know that this time you mean business!

I dragged mine off to France, he left his home and job for me. You should have seen his face though when he first realised how serious I was! I've had a lot more respect since then I can tell you!

Hi dangerdog,
I am in a similar situation although the house is in my name and it is me that pays the mortgage and the bills!!!!!!!
I have been with my partner for nearly 6 years, we have 2 kids 1 his 1 with someone else although he has brought her up as his own.
We have had major probs in the past including domestic violence, but i had him arrested and took him to court, we ended up back together after he had 3 months of councilling for his child hood abuse which led to our situation.
He has never laid a hand on me in over 3 years and nore does he argue with me, the point is he is addicted to a silly computor and it has taken over everything!!!
I have slept on the couch for 1.5 years now as i can't be arsed with him anymore, i go out 3-4 times aweek drinking with my mates of which he doesn't complain about as it stops me moaning at him about the computer!!!
Yes i love him, No i am not attracted to him anymore, hence no sex for 10 months although he does try but i just aint interested.
I have kissed other men, but nothing more than that and although everyone says to leave him and that i would be better off on my own, i can't do it!!!!
Maybe it's a habbit that i don't want to break, or maybe it's the fact that without him i wouldn't cope with the kids on my own and that i would lose my social life!!!
I know i sound selfish and stupid, but i am in the hope that one day we will get things back on track and in the meantime i will do my thing whilst he does his!!

I hope you work your situ out and do what you feel is best for you.

Butty.xxx

Gosh Butty. Same here i can not get him off his computer, cds or football. I have even unplugged the computer and left it outside along with his cds etc. He just brings them in and does it again and again. I think thats me when you say financially you could not cope at present and at least i get a couple of hours a week and if i wait til he gets home from work at 8pm i can go night shopping. Without the kids. Its already hard having the kids 97% of the time. Its not that i am frightened of leaving him its that i am frightened of creating more stress for myself, in every area. That sounds shallow i know. Next week i will find out more about financial dealings but it is hard wen you have to take to kids under 2 to the CAB. Screaming. No one to leave them with.

Talking about france that was what i tried to do 4 years ago. But he would never leave his job or move away. It has taken 8 years of afguments to get him to move 20 miles away from where he was born. Come to think about it if i ever want my way in anything we argue about it for about 8 years, then he does it. What a drain......