What happens when you don't fancy them anymore??

[dangerdog]

It has been a couple of years now, that i do not fancy my dp. i have 2 children under 2. It has got to the point now when he comes near me i feel sick. We have not had sex for 1 year because of me. He knows that i don't want that type of relationship with him but he says he is staying so that he hopes my feelings will change. He has hurt me so many times in the past with things (not physically). That i can not forgive him. We own a house together where i have put an enormous deposit down and he is paying for the other half of the morgage. We have registered the kids together too. If we split up i will have to move far away or payfor this house which i could never afford to do. It is way above a salary i could get. This is why i have stayed and with the two kids under 2. it is very hard. I am always feeling down about it. But do not know what to do.

In the past i have posted a similiar message but i was just told to leave him by people who had left there partners. I think i need advice from people in the same boat. Or that people have got through it. i don't know but i need help..

Thanks

Richard and Judy had a piece on about how when we stop having sex it can be really hard to start having it again. They suggested just trying to think about more. It's hard when you've got one baby. Must be harder when you've got two. Don't feel bad about your feelings. Alot of us are in the same boat. Are you holding out because you are angry?

Dangerdog, your 2 kiddies will not be screaming under 2's forever you know. How about trying to make plans for yourself, say, 2 years from now? It might sound like a long time, but what have you got to lose? Either you are still here in 2 years time, or you are somewhere else, or dh gets his arse in gear and you're all a lot happier. Go to the CAB, they are used to handling mums coming in with a pile of children, they won't bat an eyelid. Do a bit of research. Let him know what you are doing, let him know that you are making plans, whether or not he wants to be part of those plans is up to him.

My dh knew that I would do this with or without him. He would gladly have left things they way they were, but I knew that one of us would have to do something, and I'm not a sitting and waiting person. So I started making arrangements and plans and he knew that if he didn't go along with them, he'd have lost me. And that is absolutely true, as much as I loved him, I would have left him at that point. Luckily he came round, he didn't want the family split up and luckily he loved me back.

So far it's working along fine. But I know that if I let it, it would slip back into monotony and we'd be more like flatmates again. I have to keep working on it, pushing him along. Yes it's draining, but I love him and feel that in the long run it's worth it.

i know it looks as though i am being difficult, by always having an answer fo your suggestions but its because there is not much i have not tried. We did have sex a few months ago but i felt sick after and felt like i was a postitute. I hope you know what i mean. ialso am the one that has kept this relationship going and spark but i do not want to carry on. I want the man to be a man. I have told him many times he just stares at the floor in silence then says do you fancu a cup of tea. Then i shout then we argue againa again again.

i have just noticed that i wfote ' i do not want to carry on' the rest of what i meant to say was 'the way it is'. Need to be more clear

You say there is not much you have tried, so I take it you have been to the CAB then and researched where you would stand if you left him? No? Well then do that! You actually can make a change, you can do something about the situation you are in, it will take guts sure, but like I said, what have you got to lose? If he's half a man, he'll decide to make those changes with you, if not then you'll have to go it alone. YOu won't be the first and you won't be the last. But we can't actually help you, you know that. We can advise and suggest, but it's up to you to actually do something. If not then perhaps you will just have to resign yourself to this situation for the foreseeable future.

yea your right CAB it is then. I think i new it but i just needed more confidence, which you all have given me.
Thank you