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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I started this thread in AIBU

26 replies

whatsallthehullaballoo · 23/04/2011 20:51

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1200105-Husband-with-a-wandering-eye?msgid=25015681#25015681

I guess I am asking what do I do? If I separate from my husband where do I stand? I have no family, no savings, house is part of job and needs to be vacated within 90 days if we separate (MOD).

I do love my husband when he shows me affection and interest. But this happens so rarely. I think he thinks he loves me. But I know he just does anything for an easy life.

OP posts:
BestNameEver · 23/04/2011 20:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GypsyMoth · 23/04/2011 20:59

i was forces wife...you can go to one of the stepping stones homes

you get priority HA housing in area of your choice

hostel are 2 bed flats,own bathroom,share lounge. some share kitchenns,some get their own. great place. staff can sort everything,benefits housing the lot

its modern and clean

GypsyMoth · 23/04/2011 20:59

are you in uk?

MittzyTheMinx · 23/04/2011 21:05

I read your thread with sadness whatsall, Sad

I have no answers, but I do think you deserve to feel valued and cherished, instead of hollow and undesirable.

It's tough but I went solo on a part time income, with no savings, limited help and was so scared, but you know, if that is the road you decide to go down, it is actually OK and you actually feel better quite quickly just because the sense of repression isn't there any more.

But if you feel the love you have, and other things make the relationship worth saving, and it is what you want, then lots of talking until he understands the damage he has and is doing, think about how to improve things for yourself for you, so a new hairstyle, clothes, exercise, for your own self esteem, not just to appease your H.

Original poster
whatsallthehullaballoo · 23/04/2011 21:05

Thanks for the welcome. I spoke to him lots yesterday but got no where. He cannot see that living such a distant life from me is not a marriage. He even watches porn in the bedroom when I am in bed (he thinks I am asleep).

He is dismissive of all my feelings and if I try to stand up to him I am a nag and should stop moaning. When I realised he has had an a fling/ or emotional affair I conrfonted big style but he just laughed and laughed. He was nervous I could see that but he belittled everything. Yet the texts I found said 'cannot wait to get you drunk and take you back to your room for some flesh on flesh action'. How is that an over reaction from me?

ILoveTiffany - I have had a friend leave her husband. SSAFA just gave her the 9- days to leave and her husband accommodation. They said they couldn't help her anymore and he was abusive as well.

OP posts:
farkthatforagameofsoldiers · 23/04/2011 21:08

You have to push for it whatsallthehullaballo. Make sure you are informed and dont take no for an answer Stepping Stones Homes. I am ex forces and have looked into this in the past.

caramelwaffle · 23/04/2011 21:11

Glad you came over here.

You need to separate two issues I think.

One - the relationship. Is it salvageable?

Two - finances/new home if you split.

ILoveTiffany and the ladies on the Forces Sweetheart board may offer the best advice on this. Also CAB, Gingerbread (lone parents), direct.gov.uk (benefits)

BitOfFunnyBunny · 23/04/2011 21:12

He watches porn while he thinks you're asleep in the same room? What a louse Angry

Is there some kind of welfare officer you can talk to?

The suggestion on the other thread that you go to Relate on your own was a good one, I think.

newfashionedmum · 23/04/2011 21:15

Shock poor you. i was already feeling angry on your behalf - but watching porn in bed when you're there!!! are you SURE he thinks you're asleep?

As others have said - his behaviour is incredibly disrespectful - it seems more about controlling and humiliating you than about appreciating other women. Don't try to change yourself, you're not the one with the problem.

Does he exhibit other controlling behaviour? Who's idea was it that you didn't work? Do you go out on your own at all, have your own friends that he likes too? Who controls the finances? how does he tallk to you infront of the children?

Think hard about the answers and what its teaching the children about how a 'normal' relationship should be - because this will be their template when they grow up.

i hope it goes well for you whatever path you choose..

Original poster
whatsallthehullaballoo · 23/04/2011 21:17

Just seen the Stepping stones homes. I cannot do it...oh god I cannot do it to my kids. He loves them and is good to them. I was taken from my home when I was 5 (same age as my daughter). It was terrifying and things were never the same again. I will not do it. My unhappiness is only a tiny sacrifice for my kids stability until they are old enough to leave home.

This has turned into just a self-indulgent thread. My chest hurts and I cannot breathe properly at the thought of leaving. I was abused by my step dad and I have no contact with my parents. I cannot take anymore upset now. I jst cannot do it.

OP posts:
davidtennantsmistress · 23/04/2011 21:19

when XH & I split up (was 4 years ago thou) he moved into the single accom, had 30 days to cool off & then I had 90 days to move out (but could have stayed longer & paid full rent - I refused & found somewhere) has this changed?

Original poster
whatsallthehullaballoo · 23/04/2011 21:19

x-post - he is not controlling atall. The complete opposite. He just doesn't care anymore. I am a wife, a body, nothing special. I can do what I like, have what I like, buy and work all I like.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 23/04/2011 21:22

what about if he gets a new posting? your life HAS to change then and will need you both pulling together

caramelwaffle · 23/04/2011 21:23

There is absolutely no rush to do anything. You have decided what you want and need - for yourself and your children - keep looking at all your options.

You sound so unhappy. Perhaps going to Relate (alone) would be a good first step.

GypsyMoth · 23/04/2011 21:23

fark......that was the home i was in,fab place!!

Original poster
whatsallthehullaballoo · 23/04/2011 21:26

I hate posters like me - ask advice and then won't take it. I will get some savings together. Enough so when the next massive blow out happens I can survive on my own for a bit and he can leave for 30 days cooling off period. I can do that. It may be enough to to shake him up. Thank you for being there x

I spent some time recently emailing samaritans about my abuse. They are helpful but cannot offer advice. They just answer your emails with more questions. It always helps to have someone to talk to.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 23/04/2011 21:30

You say you were taken from your home when you were five - was this due to a relationship breakdown or other situation? You don't have to answer. I'm just thinking that as a five year old, leaving with your mother would be a lot less traumatic than suddenly being removed from everything. But obv don't know your circumstances.

Tiffany is right - what if your DH had a new posting? You would be moving the children then. This is not much different if you are the main carer - they would still be able to see their Dad.

BertieBotts · 23/04/2011 21:32

You don't have to take the advice straight away :) If what we say makes you think, then that's good. It takes time. The only time people advise posters to leave in a hurry is if there is violence involved or their children are in danger. Baby steps - it will be okay, even if it takes a while.

Original poster
whatsallthehullaballoo · 23/04/2011 21:34

Bertie - my mother left with me and my brothers one night and moved in with another man. We had no clothes, no toys. We moved schools, had to lie about our names and whereabouts. My mum married him. He abused me. My mum turned a blind eye ( though I wouldnt say she knew the full extent). Our real dad cut contact ( he was not violent or anything).

I know my children wouldn't have to go through this but I cannot forget the pain of my parents separating. Posting is normal for us. They would have essentially everything the same, they can cope with posting.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 23/04/2011 22:03

Sorry to hear that :( I think then your 30 day cool off plan is a good one. That way if there is a split up then it will be more gradual. FWIW, my parents split up when I was 6, and though I was upset, I did not find it traumatic - it doesn't have to be that way. I don't know if that helps at all.

Diggs · 23/04/2011 22:34

You dont have to do anything straight away op , take your time and look at all your options.

Dont stay for the dcs though , i know what a big deal it is , ive been there , but i can also say that my dc look back in sadness that they didnt have the happy home they should have had . They dont accuse , or blame , but they absoluteley were aware , despite being very young.

newfashionedmum · 24/04/2011 20:38

Hullaballoo, what others said - no rush - mull it over - take your time - just remember there is a way out if/when you're ready, the main barrier is deciding whether its the right thing for you and your children. It does sound like it is but only you know for sure. [Hug]

Original poster
whatsallthehullaballoo · 24/04/2011 21:09

Thank you for the last replies. I feel empty and hollow at the moment. I will sort myself out and keep the peace for now for my children's sake. I will make plans for the future so that I can provide everything for my children and not turn back again.

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 24/04/2011 21:33

whatsall: you are NOT your mother. You will NOT allow your DC to be abused, please separate your HISTORY from their FUTURE.

Remember, you were not the one to bail on this relationship. You are desperately unhappy, he is contemptuous of you and this will literally eat away at you.

You feel empty and hollow because this man has sucked the life, love and happiness from you. What role model are you setting? PLEASE think about what you need to do.

Save up the money, great idea, but don't wait until a flare up, tempers and emotions will be raised, and it won't be the best time to sort things out or negotiate what to do. NOW is the time to start talking to your DH, calmly requesting a cooling off period, a bit of space, time for you to ASK on base to see what help you can get and get as much reassurance as to what you need to do, what help you can get and what they can help you with.

You deserve this, you deserve a life, and so do your DC. If your H was such a great man, father etc, he'd treat his DC mother with a bit of respect.

caramelwaffle · 25/04/2011 00:08

You do deserve respect; and not only respect but adoration and love from your husband.

Look at all your options even if you feel you should dismiss them outright right now.

Take your time.

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