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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I want rid of them but it will really mess him up. WWYD?

70 replies

SplatteredEasterBunny · 23/04/2011 09:07

Been together for around four years. He moved in with me around 2 years ago. I am the breadwinner, he earns minimum wage. Everything he own was paid for by me, the furniture, the car etc. Things were great between us at first, we had loads in common, went out a fair bit, had similar interests and he was great with DD. After a year or so I found out he'd been lying about things. Silly debts (like buying an ipad on a credit card when he had no money to pay for it) and texting/facebooking other women in a way that suggested if I hadn't found out, it wouldn't have ended innocently. I got it all out of him but other stuff started to piss me off too such as his messyness around the house, he turned really boring, never wanted to do anything and complained that DD was spoilt when I bought her stuff (My money, I'll do what the hell I want with it tbf). Then the icing on the cake was that he agreed with his ex wife that their son could move in with us and didn't bother telling me until a WEEK before the lad was due to arrive. I did not agree but what could I do at the end of the day? His mother was leaving the country for 6 months and DP had already agreed to it. Well the kid is a nightmare, he's loud, cocky, messy and I'm expected to buy him the world when he asks for it "because you buy her everything".
So I'm at the point now where I just want them BOTH out. Thing is, DP would be up shit creek without a paddle if I did this because he'd never be able to afford to rent a place of his own (and would fail credit checks anyway), without my car he won't be able to get to work and he won't be able to afford another one and he won't have enough money to re-pay the stuff he owes.
Is it my problem? should I allow it to be my problem or am I being a cold hearted bitch just wanting to pack him a suitcase and say cheerio? I also know he's been slagging me off to his son (seen the text messages) and taking the piss out of me to work collegues. I don't love this man. I want to see the back of him. I begrudge my money being spent on "keeping" him and his son. I want my house back and my car back. Is it really bad to just chuck them out?

OP posts:
IngridBergman · 23/04/2011 14:42

Get rid immediately having taken suitable precautions regarding your possessions, car, keys, credit card numbers and such. Don't breathe a word till it's time, or he will find sneaky ways to screw you over like writing down your card details (if he hasn't already). Change all PIN numbers and so on, Jesus this man will stop at nothing by the sound of it. What a git.

His kids are his responsibility and also his ex's. They have no need of your assistance. You owe him NOTHING.

Change your locks too and ifthey have access to your pc, clear this from your history or they might twig.

Get them all gone ASAP. It's hardly the middle of winter nor are we in a country where the poor get no help.

He is taking the piss and you need to get angry.

IngridBergman · 23/04/2011 14:44

I'd also try and get your dd out of the way while you're getting rid, ie send her to a safe house with friends or family of yours. She doesn't need to witness this kind of confrontation. I'm sure he won't make it easy for you.

Have his stuff ready so he isn't mucking about 'packing' for ages. No hesitation about leaving his stuff outside somewhere as long as it's not in the pouring rain or anything.

Common humanity, but certainly no indulgences. He deserves nowt.

DontGoCurly · 23/04/2011 14:46

It's not your problem. Pack his shit. Leave it on the porch and don't let the door hit him in the arse on the way out.

Not your job to support parasites.

KaraStarbuckThrace · 23/04/2011 14:47

Yes I would agree - the only ones responsible for putting this child in this position is the child's parents. His mum chose to leave him while she went abroad(for whatever reason, perhaps she is in the forces?) and his Dad is responsible for his DS's care NOT the OP. Surely this man and his ex have other family members(such as parents and siblings) who could step in and help care for his DS?
He is a leech and he is just using the OP. And she needs to think of her own DD first.

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 23/04/2011 14:47

It might be worth cancelling cards and setting up new accounts. So much online shopping now encourages saving card details and has one click ordering. And if he has your pin numbers, the bank/card company won't refund you for any losses.

IngridBergman · 23/04/2011 14:49

yes deffo get a big bloke to be there when you ask him to leave and if necessary the police.

upahill · 23/04/2011 14:53

I agree with the others.
Protect yourself first with regards to bank accounts, cards, and your personal items.

Get everything in order first. It may take a day or two to sort this out but it will be worth it.

ENormaSnob · 23/04/2011 14:57

Get rid of the cocklodger.

He's taking the piss out of you.

thumbbunny · 23/04/2011 15:00

I begin to see what that poster on your other thread meant now about all the rest of the shit.

Get rid of him without a thought. He is a grown up, technically, he can work it out for himself.
You are not a charity.
You are not his mother.
You are not a social worker (are you?)
He is not your responsibility.
You have a responsibility to your DD to bring her up in a home that is more stable, equal and loving than the situation in which you currently all find yourselves.

Do what upahill said as well - make sure all your finances are secured, up to date and safe, give him notice to quit (no longer than a week, he can find a B&B in a week if nothing else), help him pack (I was going to say if you need to, but he sounds feckless enough that it's almost a given) and throw his sorry arse out the door!

Collision · 24/04/2011 16:12

bumping for more info!

Eglu · 24/04/2011 16:16

Exactly what Norma said.

atswimtwolengths · 24/04/2011 16:20

I wouldn't give him any notice. He's taken you for a ride, financially, and if you give him notice it will just give him the opportunity to do more damage - eg taking your things, taking money from your account, running up debts online. Tell him first thing in the morning to give him all day to sort himself out. Oh and yes, make sure you have a bigger bloke with you when you tell him.

droopypoppies · 24/04/2011 18:01

I understand you feel a bit guilty for just booting him out on the streets with his DS, so I would probably say something like 'I can't carry on like this, either you pull your socks up and your DS shows me some more respect, or you'll have to go, I can't afford to support you any longer.'
Chances are he wont take much notice for long, but at least you can say you have given him one last chance.
When he cocks up or disrespects you again, then change the locks and get rid, don't feel bad, you have given him an opportunity to make amends and he's blown it.
I speak as someone who has an XP who lived off of me like a leech for 4 long years. He was great in some area's but when it came to money, he never ever had any, and I ended up going into quite alot of debt just to keep a roof over all our heads. My XP also messaged other women on facebook and even arranged to meet them, he drove my car, had nowhere else to go and when I asked him to leave, he started crying, told me he was going to commit suicide, that his life was shit without me in it. I relented so many times because I felt bad and tbf, he didn't have anywhere else to go, or any transport. He needed my car to get to work and my home to wash/eat/sleep in. He had no friends and his relatives didn't want to know.
He didn't change for long though, and we were back to square one within 6 weeks each time I gave him another chance.
In the end, I threw him out, and he cried, threatened to take me to the cleaners (whatever that meant because we weren't married) and then whilst packing his stuff, (stupidly I left the house while he was packing to avoid an atmosphere) he stole quite alot of money from my house, a PS3, my bicycle (brand new) and various other stuff that I didn't even notice for months afterwards.
Strangely enough after all my concerns, he immediately found somewhere else to go that night and within weeks was living with another poor soul woman. She had no hesitation in throwing him out after 3/4 months, after which he found himself another woman who he lived with for a year before she threw him out, and now I have no idea where he is, but tbh, I'd lay money on the fact that he's not on the streets.
I only know so much about him because we have a DC so he sporadically pops up from time to time. Sad

Please don't feel guilty about this man. His DS is his responsibility. You are not a homeless shelter, and if he was so badly in need of a car to get to and from work and a roof over his head, he'd surely have treated you and your DD with more respect in the first place.

He will find somewhere else quite quickly, even if you don't believe that, he will.

Incidentally, why did he split with his ex?

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 25/04/2011 11:17

Droopy - could you re-read your own post then please tell me why she should give him 'one last chance'? It makes no sense what-so-ever! He's had too many chances already if you ask me!

Collision · 25/04/2011 17:26

No more chances!

OP where are you?

droopypoppies · 25/04/2011 19:13

ChippingIn Personally, I wouldn't give this man one more chance, and I will eat my own shit if this man changes, or finds himself nowhere to go.

I only know that some people find it very difficult and feel very guilty throwing someone out without feeling they have given the proverbial one last chance.

I was thinking of the OP when I wrote my post. FWIW, I don't think OP should feel any guilt whatsoever, but if she was feeling guilty which her posts suggest, my suggestion might help her to see no amount of chances would ever be enough because I am convinced within days, he'll have disrespected her again. Hmm

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 25/04/2011 19:17

If only we could learn from each others mistakes :(

Collision · 26/04/2011 11:56

bumping

empirestateofmind · 26/04/2011 12:04

has anything happened OP?

Collision · 27/04/2011 22:56

please update

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