So how many REALLY truly stay for the sake of the children...?

[Blondie73]

I'd just be interested to know how many people really do still believe that even if they are unhappy in their relationship its in the best interests of their children to stay with their partner/husband/wife.

I think it would depend on each individuals' definition of unhappy... and whether they're a martyr, victim or prepared to patiently plan...

very few i would imagine

parents, rightly or wrongly, tend to say 'oh the children are happier' when they have made their decision regardless of whether the children really are happier or not. Its a way of assuaging their guilt to pretend they are doing it for the children, when really its because they want to

I have stayed for the children. I don't think they deserve the upheaval. DH and I do not argue in front of them and we get on with each other but there is no romance.

Maybe when they are older I may have the courage to leave and be selfish for my happiness.

I have stayed for the sake of the children...or rather..I haven't walked yet because of the children. We are trying hard to make it work and some days are good and some days are not. I would definitely have chucked in the towel before now, if there weren't four children. As we are still working on our relationship and there have been improvements, I suspect that we think there is still more to salvage than just staying for the sake of the children, but I would say that the children have become the chief incentive about trying to make it work. Not sure if that answers your question.

I am one of them. I would have walked well over a year ago if it were not for the kids. Having said that...we may not have had the problems we are having if it were not for the kids.

We are about to embark on counselling which may clarify our situation one way or another.

The other issue for me is that my DH is of a different nationality and is a SAHD so potentially I could lose the kids to another country if we got divorced and that would make me more unhappy than staying in an unhappy relationship.

Short of abuse or toxic atmosphere at home, I totally respect parents who stay together in a loveless marriage for the sake of their children. It is an unhappy situation for all concerned, but I think on balance one that is better for the children than to put them through the trauma and upheaval of a divorce and often the subsequent step/blended family arrangement.

My parents stayed together for me and my siblings, even though they were not compatible. It is one of the most selfless things they have done for us. I was grateful as a child (when I was old enough to understand) and continue to be grateful as an adult.

I'm glad someone started this thread and also the last post which I think gives a different perspective to what is often written on MN about 'staying together for the children'. In truth, on one level or another there must be so many couples who would probably not still be together if they did not have children. It is a huge bond and whether you remain together or split, children remain a huge bond for ever really. I am not sure that I have "stayed" for the children, but I have most definitely remained faithful because of the children. If we had not had children I would have been tempted by other people and I think I would have succumbed. As it is, I would rather have a harmonious family life than the possibility of a more exciting sex/romantic life with someone else. In any case, those kind of feelings tend to fade and then you are back to square one.

I think if you have children you need to try harder to stay.

I know of one person who is staying married until their child is 18 and will not consider leaving before then. I totally understand why though.

I am staying (or rather allowing DH to stay) mainly because of the children. I don't adhere to the "children are resilient" line, because even if they handle the split itself and its immediate consequences well, the fallout can be long-term and affect children well into adulthood and in their own relationships. If we split, which has been a real possibility recently, our circumstances and lives would be radically different, and very certainly a lot harder for them in many ways.

Still I have my limits, and if DH really doesn't sort himself out I will have no choice. But walking away from my marriage would be an absolute last resort.

Completely respect other people's perspectives but my parents stayed together for my sister's and my sake and it was a truly joyless childhood. My DH and I are ending our relationship both for own sakes and for the sake of our three children. Neither of us want them to grow up in a home without laughter, respect and happiness.

Some may see that as selfish, and it may well be, but I have always that wished my parents had split up when we were younger (they nearly did apparently when we were 2 and 4). Then they might have gone on to find their own happiness which neither ever did.

But each relationship is different ...

Thanks for all your replies. Twostraightlines - what are your limits? Do you mind if I ask what your DH has to sort out?

Thanks WhoKnew - I'm of the same opinion myself and have split with my baby's father for exactly the same reasons - I believe my baby's father was damaged by his mother staying with his physically quite abusive and definitely emotionally abusive father and I didn't want to continue the cycle. I was just interested to see how many held the opposite view as that view isn't often seen on here. I respect the strength it must take though to stay.

Would those views be different if say one of the parties met someone else?

We tried for a number of years for the sake of the children. I kept the facade up for as long as I could but in reality, the relationship was unhealthy and abusive and ended when I eventually found proof of his affair. And that was sickening because for me, adultery is the ultimate cowardice. I feel guilty about the years when we WERE living in a joyless, souless house and I know it affected my eldest. For me and the kids, although finding about the affair was devastating, and everything is still very raw, not living a lie has moved us to a significantly happier place. I look at photos of 'family' days out etc with ex and we look so bloody miserable. I remember the evenings spent being so lonely when I was in the same house as him. I look at pictures of me and the kids taken since and we look a damn sight happier. I remember thinking at one point 'only X more years until I can leave' I honestly believed that I could do it, but the reality was I couldn't.

I have recently made the decision to stay for my Ds sake.

Not because I am a martyr or a victim but because I genuinely think it is DS's best interest for me to do so.

It is not so much the split itself that worries me - DS is only just 2 at the moment and probably wouldn't remember it being any different. But my parents split when my sister and I were young and we suffered horribly (emotionally not physically) at the hands of our step mother. I can't take the risk of that happening to DS.

Interesting thread

I dont have a terrible relationship but I know I would not still be with DP if it wasnt for our son. Me and DP get along ok, he adores me which helps, but I wouldnt take some of the aspects of our relationship if it wasnt for our boy who is the light of our lives. I dont think its fair to split up when things are okish relationshipwise - he is confident and happy. I worry about my older boy (I split from his Dad when he was 5) and am sure that part of his lack of confidence etc was caused by his unstable early years.

I think there are two ways to look at this. The first is that of course you have to try a bit harder if you have children- you can't just walk away over some petty argument. Maybe it makes you focus more on the important things and let the little things go. Maybe you are happy to sit through the bad times to get back to the good times.

BUT I think it is incredibly important NOT to stay in a truly unhappy marriage 'for the children'. It will make everyone miserable. And children are not stupid. When they realise that you stayed in a crap relationship and why you stayed they are going to have a)guilt issues over your misery for their sake and b)twisted ideas about relationships.

I'm another one who has stayed because I don't feel I can put the children through the trauma of divorce. Like itsallmadness said, we don't have any real romance (DH tries but I've lost those feelings towards him) and there's no way I would still be with DH if the children weren't around, but we are a lovely family, and the children share a lot of happy times in our family unit. I don't feel I'm a martyr - just trying to put my kids first. One day, when they're older and doing their own thing, I may spread my wings and put my happiness first. But for now, regardless of how I feel about DH, I want the children to grow up with us both together, doing nice things as a family. I'm really glad other people have posted similar thoughts on here, as I'm always wary of getting flamed on MN for "staying for the sake of the children".

I think many people stay in situations that are less than ideal because it is better for their children. If you rub along ok and there is nothing majorly wrong in the relationship, I can absolutely understand why people stay.

I also think that people are put under pressure from society to stay (not as much as they used to be, obviously). I think it's very, very hard to uproot yourself from a relationship unless there's something very wrong.

My mother stayed with my violent, alcoholic father until my brother and I were adults. This was a long time ago and her choices were limited. Both my brother and I have been very badly affected by the things we have seen and the impact to a child on living with an unpredictable, alcoholic parent. I think, in this circumstance, staying together is a huge mistake.

I'm really glad other people have posted similar thoughts on here, as I'm always wary of getting flamed on MN for "staying for the sake of the children"

Me too mini! It is only recently that I have read a couple of threads with a more balanced range of views and a few few people admitting that they too are staying for the kids.

Ironically Belle I feel pressure from society these days not to stay...not to settle for an unsatisfactory relationship. I am comfortable with my choice but I do sometimes feel very alone as if I am the only one in this situation. I read on here all the time about how important it is not to stay for the sake of the kids and how "happy parents = happy kids".

As everyone has said above, I think it very much depends on the state of the relationship and I certainly dont think that people should stay together regardless. There are clearly situations like yours where it would be better if your parents hadn't stayed together. That must have been very tough on you and your brother.

The most bizarre situation I am aware about re this was with a friend of mine from school.

It was common knowledge that her parents were only staying together because of their daughter and when she hit 18 they would split up. Both parents were seeing other people and when my friend was 18 both went their separate ways with their 'other' partners.

I know I was aware of the situation whilst I was at school but I have never known if my friend was aware. She is also not a good enough friend to ask what she thought about the situation so I'm not sure what impact (if any) it had on her.

Not sure what I think about this situation but I do think it's a big mistake to stay purely because of the children, not only in obvious situations where there is DV or alcholism, but also when the animosity can't be kept under check.

My partners parents had one of the most horrendous relationships I have ever seen although there was no violence or alcoholism (in fact both were tee total). They are from a different culture where divorce isn't really an option plus his mother considers herself a devout Christian (although the most unchristian person I know). His parents literally couldn't speak to each other without it turning into some sort of conflict. His Dad always told him 'never get married' and sure enough has always refused and despite the fact we have tow children won't even live with us (thankfully that suits me down to the ground!) which I'm sure stems his parents highly dysfunctional relationship.

DP and I have been together 12 years (after a split of 10!) and are regarded as having one of the best relationships out of our friends so it's not worked out too badly. Just wondering what path our sons will take when they're old enough to choose.

Sorry that's a bit of a ramble.

Okee that's interesting (for me). My mother always told me never to get married or have children and here I am, nearly 46, and never been married and DD (3.7) was a very happy accident! It's very hard to undo some of the "conditioning".

We're 46 too!!!

I don't think DP realises he was conditioned by his parents relationship or what his dad said. Apparently his dad really liked me (he died 7 years ago) so it wasn't anything personal and he's always said never get married.

DP can't really explain why he doesn't want to get married and bizarrely if the boys ask him why he always says ask your Mum!

It's really difficult. I actually do want to get married - very much. Until it gets anywhere near like happening and then I run like the wind! It's odd and I've done the therapy thing but can't seem to break through this one. Not that there's a serious marriage offer on the cards right at the minute anyway.

And, bizarrely, my dream job would be to organise weddings.

I think few parents truly see the damage their relationship does to their child.
my parents had a really un happy volatile marriage, they day they told me about seperating my response was
'its about time'

I feel for parents when they kids genuinely do not know of the troubles and feel compelled to stay to not rock the boat