So how many REALLY truly stay for the sake of the children...?

[Blondie73]

I'd just be interested to know how many people really do still believe that even if they are unhappy in their relationship its in the best interests of their children to stay with their partner/husband/wife.

I do think it's a case of every relationship being different, however if 'staying for the sake of the children' means 'desperately trying to make this person love me and remain faithful' not only will your slef respect be destroyed but the other person might decide to leave the relationship anyway.
It's also unhealthy when someone (usually the woman) is commited to staying for the sake of the children and the man regards this as licence to have everything his own way ie any time she contradicts or disobeys he starts muttering about leaving.

I tried, intending to stay from the time my youngest was 3 until she was 18. I lasted two years. Just couldn't do it, it was like being in jail with no remission. Was so exhausted and run down physically and emotionally.

When parents divorce, it is not just the fallout from the actual relationship breakdown and disruption to their lives that hurts the children. It is also, or shall I say, particularly the subsequent relationships that their parents then enter into with new step parents/blended families that the children have to adjust to, whether they welcome it or out. I think it is particularly sad for a child to have to contend with a half sibling that is the child of the new relationship, whereas they will always be the step child of the new partner in their parent's lives. From centre stage in their parents' lives (as they should be), they are now the fifth wheel in another (blended) family's.

No matter how much a step parent tries, that is by far a much more bitter pill for the child to have to swallow after already suffering the effects of their parents' failed marriage and divorce. All of which happened through no fault or control of the children of the first marriage.

This is the biggest blind spot of all when parents say happy parents = happy children. Because remarriage is largely for the parent's happiness, not necessarily the child. The child is in an almost impossible bind. I feel saddest for the child in this situation.

I know two friends who are staying 'for the sake of the children'. One is married to an absolute git, but the husband has told here he will take their DS and she will never see him again if she leaves, so she is hanging on until DS is 18 (only a year to go).

The other is married to a decent enough bloke but she just doesnt love him any more. Guilt has made her stay.

They are both desperately unhappy

I don't believe that it is in the best interests of the children to stay in an unhappy marriage.

Even if there is no abuse, even if you say they don't see or hear arguments, do you want them to grow up to think that's all they can expect from life?

Trillan, where there is an unhappy marriage, there are no winners. One or both of the children's parents have cocked up. The children end up being the ones who are hurt whether their parents divorce or not.

I still believe it is far less damage (in the absence of DV, abuse or acrimony) for parents to stay together in a loveless marriage than if the parents divorced and (often) hooked up with other partners.

You say that children whose parents are unhappy think that is all they can expect from life. Is that your personal experience? My parents had an unhappy marriage and I was determined not the make the same mistakes as them. As a result, it took me a while to find a life partner but dh is worth the wait.

I can spot a bad match for me by a mile. That can only be a good thing.

I'm 27 and my parents are in the process of getting divorced. According to my mum she has been unhappy for the past 20 years, that makes me really sad. I never noticed though, she must be a damn good actress. I had a lovely happy childhood.
I never thought I'd be bothered about them splitting as an adult, but it has affected my sisters and I more than we thought it would. I just want them both to be happy.
One of the downsides however of being older is that they want to talk to me about it, I just don't want to listen to the bitching. I have been surprised at their behaviour since they split, and just how cold they can be to one another. My dad had a breakdown when my mum told him it was over, was bloody awful.

I'm staying for the sake of DD. Til she leaves (eg university when she's 18 or otherwise settled). I have a savings account already set up and active. Her father is not the man I married (I know that sounds trite, but it's true; I strongly suspect there was an affair approx 16 months ago). And the aliens who kidnapped him haven't returned the original yet.

If we lived in the UK I would have already left; throw in a foreign jurisdiction and the need for plane tickets and it does affect your decision. Plus all the other shite about money, house etc.

Having made my decision (only another 16 ish years to go) I felt an enormous sense of relief. It might be a prison sentence but it's an open prison and it's not for life. And my running away money is growing....

Yes of course, lots of couple stay together because they don't want to
a) disrupt their children
b) individually, see much less of their children

As long as they don't actively hate each other and there is no abuse going on, good on them. Lucky those who are still in a romantic coparenting set up, bloody rare if you ask me

I think at various times I stay for the sake of the children.

Even when I dislike my husband the most, all of my kids just adore him. To deprive them of seeing him every morning when they wake up would be like abusing them. The pain, suffering and sadness caused by removing him from their every day life would be far more damaging than me quietly crying at night when they are sleeping or them hearing a few too many loud shouty arguments.

If your other half is abusive or a drug abuser or alcoholic then leave immediately but ask yourself why you got involved and have children with them in the first place and resolve this issue before involving anyone else in your life.

Otherwise, life together is bound to be a bit shit at times, try and weather the storm - get therapy, counselling, work hard at it - work especially hard at it if kids are involved.

And try not to walk before the kids are at school, the general drudgery of life before they start school is enough to pressurise even the most idylic of relationships.