So my mum seems to hate me...

[Bear1984]

I always thought it when I was little. Why would she hit me but not my sister or my brothers (none of whom I speak to now). Why did she not praise me when I achieved something, even now? What is it about me that she must hate so much to treat me like I'm shit?

Having DD, I was very worried I would turn out like her. When I get angry, I feel like I am her, and it scares me. I wouldn't hit my DD, I know I would never do such a thing, but when I get angry, I'm scared I'm too much like my mum.

But even now as an adult, about to hit the 30s in fact, she still seems to hate me so much. When she was in hospital, she told my sister that she didn't want me to know cos she thought I wouldn't care (had wrote about that at the time under a different name). But over the last few days, I'm just so angry with her.

I picked DD up from hers a couple of days ago. It's very rare I have DD go to my mum's, and this has all too much reminded me as to why! When I was there, she was saying about how she would like to have DD again. Well I said she would see DD on Sunday when we all come round for dinner. She said it's not the same because I'm there and ruin their time together. I don't even want to go to my mum's for Easter! But I felt sorry for her as she'll be on her own, so we were just gonna go over for a meal.

Then DD told me when we were at home, they had gone to the cinema. She asked my mum if she could call me and ask if I wanted to come with them. She said no to this. DD got very upset because of it.

It also transpires tonight that my mum has been filling DD's head with horrible thoughts and comments about me. DD called me lazy and said I don't do anything with her, despite having taken her to cinema and out for lunch today, and then we went into London yesterday and had lunch out as well, and then night before we had pizza and watched a couple of films together etc. I asked her to tell me when she means, as to why she was saying I don't do anything, and she said something like "oh fine, you have been doing lots of things with me, but granny says you don't." It also turns out that my mum has told DD to ignore me when I tell DD to do something she doesn't want to do or if I tell her off.

I'm just flabbergasted at this. I can't believe she would dare say these things to DD!! I mean really I shouldn't be that surprised, but maybe I'm just stupid. So in the morning, I'm going to ring her up, tell her we're not coming round Sunday and exactly why I'm cancelling. Not really looking for advice, just somewhere to vent and kick myself for being so stupid.

NP

I think that text would be fine for the moment. It's not a contract, if you still don't feel like it later there's no obligation to talk, and it'll get her off your back. You could just explain that you're still not feeling like talking. I'm concerned that she'll start acting up soon to assert control or provoke a a reaction though, so prepare yourself and warn others who you trust.

Take care x

Thanks dizietsma. I did text her to say I will speak to her when I'm ready. She replied and thanked me for getting back to her and wanted to clear things up before Sunday, which was what I had presumed. I wonder if she would have bothered otherwise. I'll only be spending about 10-20 minutes with her anyway, so I'm not too bothered. I will be very aware of what she ends up saying though. I reckon my sister will say something to back up my mum, but my sister isn't worth my time, so I will be ignoring her anyway, which was my original plan lol. But feeling a bit more positive today. Was hoping my copy of Toxic Parents would have arrived today, but hopefully get in on Saturday, if not next Tuesday. x

Mum came round today. She knocked on the door, and was there for 20 minutes knocking, as my car is parked out front. Doesn't she think I could have walked to the shops or the park or something? (though clearly I hadn't lol). It's DD's holy communion tomorrow so I'm guessing she wanted to try and make "amends" before. I wouldn't be surprised if she thinks she's still invited to lunch tomorrow...

However, on a lighter note, my copy of Toxic Parents arrived this morning. Shall be reading that later :)

An update really, or more of a place to release some anger.

DD's holy communion went well, other than having to deal with my mum. She ended up tagging along for lunch and coming back to ours, which angered me. But since then, I haven't spoken to her, and she's aware of this. She's tried calling a couple of times and asking if she can have DD over. I've said no to this.

Today, she came round and knocked on my door for 15 minutes. I ignored her, as I've been having a bad day and last thing I needed was to deal with her. She disappeared. Half an hour later, I needed to go out and pick up DD. I started to make my way out and saw my mum stood by my car. No idea if she's been stood there for the whole 45 minutes. When I went out, she asked if she could come with me. I couldn't think on my feet, so reluctantly agreed. Whilst driving, she asked me if things were okay between us. I remained silent, as my anger was building. She then said, she presumes they aren't and wants to talk about it. I said I don't want to talk at the moment because I have enough on my plate as it is and I told her I would talk when I was ready.

When we had got DD, my mum sat in the back with her. She whispered to DD to ask me whether her and DD could sit in the car when I popped into Sainsburys. I said no. After, I dropped mum off at her home.

I feel like a right bitch, I know I shouldn't, but I can't help it! She keeps asking when she can have DD next and I've kept saying no. I know really I need to sit down and talk with her, but as I've said, at the moment, I just can't (I have deadlines due a week Monday and I am constantly busy without having that headache as well!)

Very devious of your mum to get your DD to ask you. She's a game player have minimal contact (if cutting all ties is too much) but let it be on your terms. x

Hi Dilligaf81, I have been keeping it as minimal as possible. She keeps asking when she can see DD again but I've said no to this. I don't like her being sneaky as she has been. I don't trust her at all at the moment.

Sorry, I didn't see this had popped up again recently. Certainly seems your mum is trying her hardest to get back in your DD's head at that little interlude at Sainsbury's, you were quite right to refuse it.

She seems willing to go to extreme lengths to get to you, knocking on a door for 20 minutes is not normal behaviour. Normal behaviour would be to accept that you don't want contact and walk away after, oooh, 5 minutes tops. Can you imagine knocking on anyone's door for 20 minutes if they've made it clear they don't want you about? The hanging about for 45 minutes then ambushing you is really not OK, quite disturbing behaviour tbh. Unfortunately, you let her have contact after all that, so she'll probably try it again. It's like when toddlers tantrum, if you give in, then they'll tantrum again for at least as long as it took for you to give in before, because it worked before, IYSWIM. So I predict you'll have to deal with this again, I'm afraid .

Perhaps you could email/text her and tell her that she's not welcome to contact you or your family until some date a week or so after all your deadlines are up (don't let her know when they are exactly or she'll probably try and sabotage them, if she's anything like most toxic parents), at which point you will contact her to let her know how you have decided to proceed. This will a) give you space to focus on your other issues, b) give her a firm boundary that you can enforce, c) put you back in control of the situation and d) not give her any firm indication of what you intend to do and so keep your options open.

How are you finding toxic parents?

She is going to mess your DD up if you continue to let her anywhere near her.

I can't imagine how hard this must be for you, but if you don't cut her out your DD is going to be on this board (or one like it) posting about you in the future because your mother is going to make damn sure that the relationship between the two of you is poisoned.

You need to move, to get away.

Hi dizietsma, I know, I regretted it the second I said ok, and wish I hadn't. I was just thrown off by the fact that she was just stood there. But I have told her I'm speak to her in about 2 weeks. See how long it is before she's back knocking on the door... I'm finding it good so far! Just reading the first part made me realise and understand a lot. I've mentioned bits to DP as well that I felt he might also relate to, in terms of things like how my mood can change all of a sudden, or the way I look at myself.

Morloth, I do want to move, and it's my aim to do so asap. We've been making enquiries to move to the other side of town so at least she can't just drop by and stand there knocking for ages...

Just an update on how things have been lately. So I haven't spoken to my mum properly since she sprung on me. I have avoided her, and wrote her a letter, basically saying I don't trust her and I don't want to see her or have her see DD. She wrote me a letter back saying she wanted to just move past this (she always sweeps our problems under the carpet and ignores them), saying that DD must have really missed her (DD hasn't mentioned her at all the past couple of weeks), how DD's cousin really wants to see her and how nice it'll be for DD to see her (don't want to have anything to do with my sister nor do I want her having any kind of influence on DD), and how she knows we've never had a good relationship but we have DD in common (ummm, yeah, and?). She wants to have DD for a couple of hours one weekend.

She was basically trying to make me feel guilty. I didn't. DP read the letter before me to ensure it wasn't too bad or anything that would enrage me more or really upset me. He is very good bless him.

My sister also texted me earlier. Blatantly my mum has asked her to, as she started it with "hey sis" which always makes me suspicious as we're not like that. She was asking to have DD round. Again, fat chance. I don't trust her, nor like her, and after the last time we spoke, she'd be lucky she doesn't get the back of my hand across her face.

Debating whether to write back or not. Or whether to just keep things silent for a while. I've been quite stressed lately, and thinking I could do without added stress, but again don't want to ignore it for her to spring on me again.

It doesn't help that I'm having problems with ex as well. He saw DD at the weekend and was telling her how if me and DP have children, they won't be proper sisters or brothers to DD. Beyond angry at this, as DD got very upset as she is desperate to have a brother or sister, bless her. But that's another story.

I'm sure noone will see this, but figured for my own sanity, it's nice to just express this all somewhere.