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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feeling a little controlled/restricted

57 replies

CleanDiana · 20/04/2011 20:09

A few weeks ago I went on a night out with girls from work. It was the first night out I'd been to since DP and I got together. He nagged and nagged me to allow him to pick me up afterwards even though it would have been far easier for me to get a lift with my friend's boyfriend (who had offered to pick us both up and drop me off at home). I tried to explain this to him but he ended up convincing me and although he didn't tell me what time I had to come home, I did feel restricted all night, as if I had to keep giving him updates on what time we were likely to be leaving. Towards the end of the night he was texting every 5 minutes going on about how late it was getting and how he was worried and can he come and pick me up yet etc. Ok so it was 3am by the time I left but if he'd just let me come home with my friend it wouldn't have been an issue and I could have stayed out until whatever time I wanted and not had to feel guilty over it! We don't live together so it's not as if he was waiting up for me or anything.

So anyway he picked me up at 3am whilst making it clear he wasn't impressed with the time I'd chosen to leave and tried to get me to agree on an acceptable time of 12am for both of us in the future. But I shouldn't have to feel restricted like this! My children were at their dad's house and I had nobody to "wake up" when I got home so IMO I should be free to just come home whenever I want!

The issue has arisen again. This coming Saturday I am due to attend a leaving do for a good friend who I'll probably never see again after. The idea is we all go for a meal and then go for a drink or three. DP has again insisted that he pick me up but it would be so much easier for me to just make my own way home as I don't know what time I'll be leaving and I'd rather not be timed!! He's already started going on about me leaving early so we can spend some time together later in the night but I'll never see this friend again, it's a big deal for her and I do feel guilty leaving early. When I put this to him he makes out that I'm being unreasonable and he's only trying to be helpful but already I'm feeling restricted for this night out.

In his defense we don't see each other often as we both work full time and we're not involving the kids yet so the only time we really get to see each other is every other saturday night when my kids are at their dads and he can stay here. This night out has fallen on one of these weekends so I can kind of see why he's wanting to pick me up but he doesn't seem to realise how restrictive it makes my evening.

Am I being selfish?

OP posts:

oldenoughtowearpurple · 20/04/2011 20:19

Nope. It's him. Either stand your ground and do it your way, or dump him, or give up all hope of ever having a night out without him breathing down your neck. He may well not be the one for you.

Kimberjem · 20/04/2011 20:20

No you are definitely not being selfish, I don't really buy the 'I was worried about you line' you are a grown woman and I am sure you have been out on many nights and got home successfully before you were seeing him. I would think it could be the start of a slippery slope if you changed your plans to suit him now. having nights out with the girls is essential and keeping your own identity is really important. I think I would feel smothered by that behaviour.

merrywidow · 20/04/2011 20:21

YANBU, huge red flags if you ask me, who the fuck is he to tell you what time to come home?

FabbyChic · 20/04/2011 20:24

Hmmm he really should no be restricting your evening, however it comes across as if he cares more than you do. If you liked him that much you would love to leave early to see him rather than stay and see the night out.

I don't think this guy is for you.

zikes · 20/04/2011 20:25

I don't think you're being selfish. You want to have a night out, it's a friend's leaving do.

I'd go. I wouldn't have him pick me up, say no.

I'd just arrange to see him the following saturday night instead.

TheyKnowEsperanto · 20/04/2011 20:26

How long have you been seeing each other?

All seems like a red flag to me? Appreciate you only get to see each other every other Saturday at the moment because you are sensibly taking it slow and not involving the children so can you not spend Sunday together?

Original poster

CleanDiana · 20/04/2011 20:33

Thanks for the replies. Thing is I'm seeing him tomorow, We're spending Sunday togeher (I even said he could stay here Saturday evening whilst I'm out and I'll see him when I get back) AND we're going away for two days next week so it's not as if he's not seeing me at all lately IYSWIM?

OP posts:

Thistledew · 20/04/2011 20:36

It is controlling and would be a deal- breaker for me if a boyfriend behaved that way. I like staying out later than my DP does, so even if we are out together he will sometimes go home before me. No way would I curtail a night out with a friend unless he was really ill at home or similar. If the relationship is meant to last, you will spend the rest of your lives together. It is incredibly possessive that he thinks he has a right to dictate that you curtail the time you spend with your friends.

TimeForMeIsFree · 20/04/2011 20:38

Big Red Flag! I would run for the hills if I were you, once he has you conforming on this he will exert his control in other areas.

zikes · 20/04/2011 20:39

Oh no, don't have him stay at yours while you're out, he'll just give you a hard time if you're later than he likes.

Why is he at such a loose end? Why doesn't he go out with his mates or something? Has he got mates?

Xales · 20/04/2011 20:41

You don't live together and he is telling you he wants you to be at home for midnight for him

How long until he moans about you meeting a few mates for an evening at all, then for an afternoon, then for a coffee...............

Original poster

CleanDiana · 20/04/2011 20:42

Zikes, he supposedly had a night out arranged two weeks ago and then told me it had all fallen through and he'd spend the night with me instead. BUT I know the other lads still went out because it was on facebook! Now again he had a night out with lads from work planned for this coming saturday night and again he's told me it's been cancelled and he'll spend the night with me instead. I don't believe him because I've seen on facebook that the lads are still going out.

Either he was never supposed to go with them in the first place or he's deliberately making excuses to get out of it.

I really do try and encourage him to go out with his mates. He just won't

OP posts:

Sunflower38 · 20/04/2011 20:43

He sounds so insecure and needy, such a turn-off.

Who the hell does he think he is to dictate what time you should get home?

Honestly, this would be a serious red flag for me.

Whatevs · 20/04/2011 20:44

YANBU. I would seriously reconsider a relationship with this man.

TimeForMeIsFree · 20/04/2011 20:45

My abusive ex used to insist on picking me up at the end of a night out or meeting up with me for a drink while I was out with my friends. This was purely to ensure I was not chatting to men and was going home alone. It was nothing to do with wanting to spend time with me or ensure I was safe, it was to satisfy his jealous, insecure mind.

jenny60 · 20/04/2011 20:47

Red flag. Do you like him? How does he make you feel?

Sunflower38 · 20/04/2011 20:48

He sounds like your father, not your partner.

zikes · 20/04/2011 20:50

Uh-oh. I don't like the fact he'd prefer to dump a night-out with his mates to hang around waiting for you to need a lift home.

He probably spins it as him & you together, not needing anybody else, and it sounds all romantic & intense superficially - but it's unhealthy & suffocating in the long run. Alarm bells.

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 20/04/2011 20:50

Honestly, it doesn't sound like he's trying to be helpful. And this is the second time.

HerHissyness · 20/04/2011 20:53

He's clinging onto you, and expecting you to do the same. Shortly this will suffocate your relationship, but he will cling on regardless.

Jesus christ, if he is like this now, (and you haven't even said how long you have known him) imagine what he'll be like down the line.

I don't think you should let him stay in your home while you go out, he may very well go through your stuff, he'll be waiting up for you and will comment on what time it is, how drunk you are, what you were wearing when he has zero and I mean ZERO right to do so. Maybe he'll keep most of his comments to himself to begin with, but that won't last.

He will get worse, not better, you need to tell him it's over. Even then, I'm thinking you'll have a hard job of getting rid of him. Be careful.

HerHissyness · 20/04/2011 20:53

Oh and RED FLAGS, there are many, many MANY in your posts OP. Please take heed.

QueeferSutherland · 20/04/2011 20:55

What, is he your dad?

Run for the hills op. Sorry.

He is trying to control your movements. This is never a good thing. You're a grown woman ffs. A mother.

Him not going to his "dos" is another red flag.

You don't live together, I take it. He'll be orchestrating him moving in soon, you mark my words, so he can "keep an eye on you".

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 20/04/2011 20:59

I just asked DH, and he said:

that your DP is being a prat. It's not like you're going to walk home alone - you're perfectly safe- and if he really wants to pick you up and 'insists' on it, he can't whine about what time you're leaving. He might be jealous of your time, but the texting every 5 minutes is just stupid. If he insists on picking you up and makes your night miserable as a result then it's not a helpful, caring gesture, it's controlling. He also said he's been like that in the past, but he grew up.

He's not just a pretty face

Rosmarin · 20/04/2011 21:05

This is wierd. I'd be very careful about accepting this behaviour because, as others have said, it will lead to more control, and less freedom for you. Be very cautious.

WMDinthekitchen · 20/04/2011 21:07

The words 'thin end of wedge,' occur. Am also seeing a red flag. A large one. Sorry

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