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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feeling a little controlled/restricted

57 replies

CleanDiana · 20/04/2011 20:09

A few weeks ago I went on a night out with girls from work. It was the first night out I'd been to since DP and I got together. He nagged and nagged me to allow him to pick me up afterwards even though it would have been far easier for me to get a lift with my friend's boyfriend (who had offered to pick us both up and drop me off at home). I tried to explain this to him but he ended up convincing me and although he didn't tell me what time I had to come home, I did feel restricted all night, as if I had to keep giving him updates on what time we were likely to be leaving. Towards the end of the night he was texting every 5 minutes going on about how late it was getting and how he was worried and can he come and pick me up yet etc. Ok so it was 3am by the time I left but if he'd just let me come home with my friend it wouldn't have been an issue and I could have stayed out until whatever time I wanted and not had to feel guilty over it! We don't live together so it's not as if he was waiting up for me or anything.

So anyway he picked me up at 3am whilst making it clear he wasn't impressed with the time I'd chosen to leave and tried to get me to agree on an acceptable time of 12am for both of us in the future. But I shouldn't have to feel restricted like this! My children were at their dad's house and I had nobody to "wake up" when I got home so IMO I should be free to just come home whenever I want!

The issue has arisen again. This coming Saturday I am due to attend a leaving do for a good friend who I'll probably never see again after. The idea is we all go for a meal and then go for a drink or three. DP has again insisted that he pick me up but it would be so much easier for me to just make my own way home as I don't know what time I'll be leaving and I'd rather not be timed!! He's already started going on about me leaving early so we can spend some time together later in the night but I'll never see this friend again, it's a big deal for her and I do feel guilty leaving early. When I put this to him he makes out that I'm being unreasonable and he's only trying to be helpful but already I'm feeling restricted for this night out.

In his defense we don't see each other often as we both work full time and we're not involving the kids yet so the only time we really get to see each other is every other saturday night when my kids are at their dads and he can stay here. This night out has fallen on one of these weekends so I can kind of see why he's wanting to pick me up but he doesn't seem to realise how restrictive it makes my evening.

Am I being selfish?

OP posts:

pinkstarlight · 20/04/2011 21:28

honestly this will start to drive you mad,hes being controlling and your allowing it to happen. just tell him no as you have no idea when the evening will finish so its easier to come home with friends. if he doesnt like it tough.

Sunflower38 · 20/04/2011 21:41

I agree with pinkstarlight. Tell him that you do not want to be picked up. If he refuses to accept that and kicks off, well, then you know what the future holds.

This is not at all about your safety. You are a grown woman ffs. This is 100% control and ensuring you aren't with anyone else. Pathetic behaviour. I am actually cringing, it is that bad.

ilovesooty · 20/04/2011 22:49

Get rid: ASAP.

He's a needy control freak who's an abuser in the making.

Diggs · 20/04/2011 23:15

Bin him.

This is nasty controlling behaviour dressed up as being helpfull and caring. Its not . And it will get worse . REad some of the links about emotional abusers , this guy is classic.

If you insist on staying with him do not allow him to stay at your home when your not there . Do not allow him to pick you up after nights out , ignore his whinging and his attempts to make you feel guilty , state your going out , your making your own way back thats the end of the discussion.

Jux · 21/04/2011 00:27

Do not let him stay at yours while you're out.
Do not let him stay at yours while you're out.
Do not let him stay at yours while you're out.
Do not let him stay at yours while you're out.
Do not let him stay at yours while you're out.
Do not let him stay at yours while you're out.
Do not let him stay at yours while you're out.
Do not let him stay at yours while you're out.
Do not let him stay at yours while you're out.
Do not let him stay at yours while you're out.
Do not let him stay at yours while you're out.
Do not let him stay at yours while you're out.
Do not let him stay at yours while you're out.
Do not let him stay at yours while you're out.
Do not let him stay at yours while you're out.
Do not let him stay at yours while you're out.
Do not let him stay at yours while you're out.
Do not let him stay at yours while you're out.
Do not let him stay at yours while you're out.
Do not let him stay at yours while you're out.
Do not let him stay at yours while you're out.

HerHissyness · 21/04/2011 00:39

What was that, Jux? Did you want to say something?

What ^ she said

tallwivglasses · 21/04/2011 00:41

Jux

Well OP I think you've got the message by now.

Fabby if I were seeing a friend for the very last time (I'm assuming she's going miles away) I'd cope with one night without my bloke even if I loved him very much. I'm sure most women would...

OP you won't enjoy that night if you're constantly thinking how pissed off he'll be when you next see him.

HerHissyness · 21/04/2011 00:45

One of my friends made us all laugh when she said

"we spend our 20s/30s desperate to be with someone. When we're in our 40s with kids and a H all we want in life is a bit of time alone"

Guitargirl · 21/04/2011 00:51

I agree with the others. Big alarm bells would be ringing at this point. Please don't allow yourself to be manipulated in this way if it is not what you want.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 21/04/2011 09:38

Dump this man. And if he has a key, change the locks on your house today or you will come home and find him in the house, either weeping and begging or armed.
This is dangerous, scary behaviour from a man who is determeined to own you: get rid now.

ShoutyHamster · 21/04/2011 09:48

Bin bin bin

He's a controlling needy nightmare waiting to happen...you say the kids aren't involved yet so I assume you've not been together for a very long time.

Get rid NOW and save yourself a whole heap of unpleasantness!

notoriginal · 21/04/2011 10:12

OP I would just like to tell you that this is the sort of behaviour that my ex displayed at the beginning of our relationship. I could scare most people to death with how it ended. I won't go into detail but will tell you that he is currently in prison for what he did to me. Myself and my children are traumatised and I cannot go near another man so have ended up alone.

Run for the hills and don't stop. And I would agree with the poster who said that even at this stage you may find he's hard to get rid of. Value your life and get out while you can.

Ephiny · 21/04/2011 10:23

That sounds vey controlling and unpleasant, I would not like it at all. You're a grown woman and you can stay out as late as you like whenever you like - it's not 'selfish' of you to do this. He's behaving like you're a teenage girls and he's an over-protective father - not really a healthy basis for an adult relationship IMO.

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 21/04/2011 10:29

Run away. Seriously.

Even if he doesn't turn out to be actually abusive and dangerous, do you really want someone telling you what to do? How long have you been together? Not long enough for him to have ANY say over how you spend your time.

However lovely you think he is, he isn't lovely enough to put up with that.

Flippingebay · 21/04/2011 10:42

IMO you need to nip this in the bud NOW!! Don't pander to him otherwise he'll only get worse, and before you know it, he'll be suggesting you don't go out at all with friends, then family etc etc.

I know from experience and this is how it started with my 'now ex' husband. It all happened over a long period of time and if you take each individual event on it's own it doesn't sound too bad (which is what they count on), but eventually you end up with no friends, can't go out on your own and generally being told what you can and can't do. I know this sounds extreme but if you put your foot down now, it'll save any hassle in the future and you have the chance of a decent relationship with this bloke if that's what you want.

Diggs · 21/04/2011 11:08

Op abusive controlling men are that way because deep down they feel they have a right to put restrictions on their romantic partner , that in a way they have special rights over them now theyre in a relationship . At the same level some women beleive too that a romantic partner has special rights over them . They might not necessarily agree with it , and they dont like it , but socially it happens and they allow it because of social conditioning.

I say this because of some ofthe language youve used ie , " I tried to explain this , I had to keep giving him updates , if he'd just let me come home with my friend , tried to get me to , DP has again insisted ect ". He had no right to do any of the above .

You did explain this and he did hear you , he just wasnt interested in your perspective . You actually dont need to explain anything to him , you state your going out and thats the end of the matter . Personally i think if your not good with boundrys or your around a abuser the lines can very quickly become very very blurred with whats ok and whats not .

A good way to be clear about what is and isnt acceptable is to expect the same from a partner that you would a freind. You wouldnt have let a freind bully you into picking you up , you wouldnt let a freind get you to agree to coming home at 12 and you wouldnt let a freind exert this sort of power over you . In fact youd be outraged and would probably end the freindship .

If you allow him special priveledges over you because your in a relationship with him he will take full advantage and so will lots of other men . Ive constantly been encouraged to make exceptions for men ( because thats how they are aparently ) and its wrong .

Expect the same from him as you would a freind and youll start to see just how outrageous and abusive this behaviour actually is . I used to have metaphorical glasses , one for my abusive husband and one for everyone else . Now i keep the freinds one firmly on , the standard is the same , for everyone .

Alldownhillnow · 21/04/2011 11:14

I know someone who left a marriage with a man like this. In the end, the only time she had away from him was when she was at work.

Get out now!

TurnipCake · 21/04/2011 11:30

Diggs has said it better than I could, but I just wanted to add my voice in saying his behaviour is totally unacceptable. You haven't been together that long - how do you think it'll be a year, two years, five years down the line?

As the others have said, run for the hills

garlicbutter · 21/04/2011 12:11

Yep, bright red flag.
Dump. Avoid. Get own life back.

Have a good time with your friends :)

booge · 21/04/2011 12:51

Dump this man, his behaviour will only get worse from here (speaking from bitter experience)

joblot · 21/04/2011 14:19

perhaps some honest discussion is needed- dumping is easy to write but harder to do.

HerHissyness · 21/04/2011 14:24

joblot, nobody said ridding yourself of a controlling partner was easy, and I said up thread that I think don't this guy will go quietly, but it is a potentially dangerous situation for the OP, doing nothing is not really an option for long term health and happiness.

She needs help in RL, Woman's Aid for day to day strength and MN too for encouragement.

Honest discussion won't help at all in this case, he thinks he's entitled to treat her like this. No amount of reasoning will ever work.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 21/04/2011 15:04

Look, those of us who have healthy boundaries (either because we have not, so far, been targeted by an abuser, grew up with decent parents etc or we have previously been abused and come out the other side) would have said to a bloke like this: 'Don't be bloody daft. I'll come home when I like.' and that would have been the end of it. Because we would have known that a non-live-in partner has no say at all over what time you come home - it's not like he is concerned that he has to be up early in the morning and can't lock up till you are in or whatever, your night out is not inconveniencing him.
Just getting that in before anyone starts mansplaining that some posters on here have complained about Hs staying out all night when the circumstances are, poster alone with DC and unable to lock the door because H has forgotten keys/Poster needs the H to look after the DC the next day nad now knows that he either won;t be home at all or he will refuse to get out of bed. In this case there was no reason whatsoever for the man to insist or even request that the OP curtail her night out.
As Diggs put it, some women are unfortunately conditioned to believe that i you are going out with a man you have to obey him. THis is never, ever going to be a healthy relationship and FWIW OP I advise you to be prepared now for having to take out injunctions agains this man.
At least you don;t live with him, so you are under no legal obliation to let him set foot in your house, and should he turn up and refuse to leave, the police will come and remove him immediately.Please don't consider giving him any chances whatsoever, this level of control is too dangerous and will never improve because he fundamentally doesn't percieve women as human beings - a girlfriend., wife or partner to him is an object that has to be kept away from other men and can be destroyed if faulty.

CheekyVIN0Time · 21/04/2011 15:06

My ex was like that, soon he will be stopping you taking your bank card out with you and giving you an allowance - basically enough money just to last a few hours then he will have to pick you up, like my ex did.

Run.

noodle69 · 21/04/2011 15:08

If I could scream any louder then I would LEAVE HIM. I know women stuck in relationships like this and you think its bad now wait until you have kids together. They will ring, harass, call you names, plead, turn up at the event and generally act like complete arseholes. If he is like that after 2 nights out imagine what he will be like after you have been together a few years.

You want your own life and to be free to go out drinking, pubs, clubs, with your friends without him moaning on.

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