Don't know how to move forward :( but definately do

[hurtingandneedhelp]

Have namechanged - because I am not ashamed but love the stupid man so much I would hate for him to be identifiable.

Only 1 printer at home, attached to DH's lappy. So anything I want I email to him and then go and retrieve myself from his laptop. Emailed it but it didnt show up so went to check junk and by mistake hit deleted folder. and then my world fell apart. Receipt been deleted for payment to an online webcamming site - porn clearly. Now the fact we are broke is also an issue, broke but paying for porn ??? Anyway curiosity took over and I logged in and found his history - he made comments which are difficult for me to comprehend, not the sex stuff, but other things - there was interaction with a number of women but 1 in particular - he told she was beautiful, he said in an ideal world he'd go and get her - she's in Romania - he told her about our children, his job, that he has a wife - but she wouldnt like this! and then the slut said 'divorce?' and he said maybe!!!!!!!!!! wtf

Now we have had a rough few years and I know I am not quite who he married and our marriage has changed and I dont like it either! but this to me is betrayal. He told another slut he had a wife and a gf - he of course says it was all just words, words and fantasy.....

He hasnt blamed me - luckily or i'd have slashed his tyres - but does say this is because of underlying problems. That I am a grumpy cow and that he doesnt feel like he wants to come home from work, that I text him saying I miss him and then when he comes home I dont even smile at him. I don't quite get how that progresses to porn but christ he's a man - can we ever understand. We have a toddler and grown children, not all at home. We have no sexlife even though I really would like one and it used to be a big part of 'us' - now I bloody well know why! A slut abroad! It has been going on 2 months.

So I love him more than life, am not a walkover, am insecure even before this. I am struggling with trusting him. I tried to log in again but cant - he says he's deleted the account. He says he knew I wouldnt like it but didnt think my reaction would be quite this - I'm heartbroken, but I love this man as much as life. I can't even muster anger I am just so hurt. I have told him if he ever does this again it's finished - he says he doesnt want that.

How do I move forward with this please? I feel so sick

"He hasnt blamed me"

"but does say...That I am a grumpy cow and that he doesnt feel like he wants to come home from work, that I text him saying I miss him and then when he comes home I dont even smile at him."

Errrr, that sounds like he's blaming you to me.

You're not going to be able to move forward until he takes full responsibility for his shitty behaviour and stops trying to wriggle out of taking the blame by calling you a 'grumpy cow'.

He's fucked up. BIG TIME. And now he needs to bend over backwards to make it right. Trying to make you feel guilty for not being the life and soul of the party 24/7 is not a good start I'm afraid.

Hurting I am in the same boat here

Madonnawhore - those were my words :) He knows he's fucked up thankfully and I just want time to go backwards a while

you can't unring a bell OP.

He's talking all manner of BS to justify getting caught with his dick in his hand. Don't fall for it. Ask him what HE is going to to do to make it right, what is HE going to do to fix this online infidelity and mis-use of family money

madonnawhore's right, he needs to do everything to put it right.

You lost me when you called the first woman a slut.

"That I am a grumpy cow and that he doesnt feel like he wants to come home from work, that I text him saying I miss him and then when he comes home I dont even smile at him."

Why don't you list to what he is saying? Who would want to come home to someone miserable who doesn't even smile at him when you've been apart all day?

You do have problems in your marriage but it sounds as though you have problems in the way you are, too.

I think he is trying hard to make amends and he has already made changes. And yes there are issues - I will give you some background maybe

second marriage for us both 4 grown children between us. 5 years ago I had come through and early life of teenage motherhood, being very poor and being in a very unhappy marriage - to get qualified and be managing a charity, having a nice life and a disposable income and lots of confidence. 4 years ago our son was stillborn at term - it's impossible to explain what that does to someone - both of us. I was unable to return to work and lost all confidence in myself and of my worthiness and whether or not I was even lovable let alone if I could function anymore. Our daughter arrived 18 months later and is very very precious - we jointly made the decision that I would be a SAHM - one we are both still happy with, but it has added pressures. Many days its very difficult to find the confidence to leave the house with just my daughter and 4 walls are isolating. My friends either disapeared when my son died or else are living lives very much like mine was previously - I dont have friends with tots and I have no brothers and sisters. DH's family live away. Now lots of life is just fine but it is very different to how it was and to how we had expected. I have very much listened to what he is saying.

did you get bereavement counselling at the time?
I suggest if you didnt you do something about it now, I have been there and I know what it does to a couple