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Original poster

online affair. this is likely to be long.

113 replies

doijustgiveup · 15/04/2011 20:18

Namechanged but been here for a long time.

Found out recently that H has been having a online affair.

He met a girl on a game chatroom, they had talked amongst alot of people for a long time at least a few years.

But from at least Christmas time it became a text affair, 30/40 texts a day!

I caught him out and he walked out.

I emailed her and she said he had told her he had been unhappy for a long time, which was total news to me, I had no idea, he had never said or appeared unhappy with our marriage.

We have had a very stressful couple of years, H left the forces, which was a big upheaval, we had some extended family problems.

He wouldnt and even now cant tell me what made him unhappy, just that slowely he stopped caring.

He moved out for 10 days then came home. In that time he came and saw me fairly often, we went out and actually had quite a good time, but was still saying that he didnt know if it could work.

He says that it is nothing to do with this girl, which is bollocks. whatever the problems we had having a Emotional Affair with another woman was going to affect us.

We went to relate two nights ago, which although didnt do much, did make us talk when we got home.

I told him that I knew from fairly early in january he was texting her (the usual phone on silent in pocket, when he never did things like that)

Think he was quite shocked how much I knew to be honest.

Anyway told him if he wouldnt talk to me, he needed to talk to someone, so tonight he has gone out with his best mate, (who was as shocked as I was about it all)

He has today been fairly talkative in a small talk sort of way, and seems happier, but when do I know he is.
I have suspisions he might be back in contact with her, but no proof.

anyway, I am sat here now, knowing how much I love him, but thinking, that maybe I should just walk away.

OP posts:
Original poster
doijustgiveup · 15/04/2011 20:32

bump

OP posts:
SandieIrons · 15/04/2011 20:36

You know the answer - you need to say - the door is over there -->

pink4ever · 15/04/2011 20:37

I dont think I would walk away just yet. Are you completely sure that it was ea only? They definately havent met up/become physical yet?. If this is the case then I would probably advise continuing with the marriage counselling but with the proviso that he must not have any contact with ow. Hopefully others will be along with wiser words.

Saffysmum · 15/04/2011 20:37

I can't really help you, but I didn't want to read and not reply. I think when the trust has gone in a relationship, it takes a long while to get it back. He says he just slowly stopped caring. I know from experience how hurtful it is to here someone say that, when you thought it was for keeps.

I hope someone will be along with advice soon. Do you have kids btw?

Take care

Original poster
doijustgiveup · 15/04/2011 20:38

I know, been there before with 1st H, just seems so much to lose this time, I never thought he was the type to do something like this, it is if there is a totally different man here now.

OP posts:
Original poster
doijustgiveup · 15/04/2011 20:39

Kids grown up, and no definitley never met her she lives abroad were in uk.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 15/04/2011 21:34

All you can really do is give it time, does he still love you?

If love is there on both sides you still have things to work with, your feelings.

Try to get to the root of why he did what he did, maybe he felt lonely? Someone came along and gave him some attention and he grabbed it?

Is he depressed at all?

Original poster
doijustgiveup · 15/04/2011 21:53

I would say definitley depressed. Lots has happened since leaving the , most not good.

Says he thinks he still loves me, but dosnt know if he cares enough to make it work.

I very much still love him, but not sure how much I can take.

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 16/04/2011 00:17

There are lots of clues in your posts to what is actually going on in your H's head. He's left his lifelong career that probably defined him to a huge extent, the kids have grown up and there has been a difficult re-adjustment and problems within the extended family. All pretty standard fare in mid-life.

I don't think he was unhappy in his marriage and it doesn't surprise me that his dissatisfactions were news to you. I don't think that's what caused the dissatisfaction. Rather, this is a jaded tale of someone who is dissatisfied with life and his place in it. The caring for your relationship stopped, I feel sure, when things changed online. From the moment these two crossed the line, he would have stopped investing in your relationship and doing things that showed he cared for you and your relationship.

What the OW has said is no defence. If she had been a true friend to him, she would have realised that engaging in a relationship was going to make his marriage even more unhappy and I can't believe any woman is naive enough to buy a tale of marital unhappiness without due scepticism.

At the moment, your H sounds ambivalent, but what he needs is a nasty shock. You are not someone he can just pick up and put down when he feels like it.

I'd be inclined to ask him for some space while you both work out your feelings. At the moment, he probably feels that he holds all the cards and if he chooses to, he can stay in this marriage. But the truth is, you might not be able to forgive this infidelity and may never be able to trust him again.

Take control of this situation and force him to realise what he might have lost.

seachange · 16/04/2011 09:02

I think WWIFN is right. My H certainly didn't "care" too much about his marriage and family until he moved out and saw with his own eyes what losing us would really mean. I know yours left, but it was under his terms- he needs to see you getting on without him.

Your H would have stopped caring in order to be able to give himself permission to have the affair. What's most important is that the affair stops completely- it's this huge barrier to him re-discovering his feelings of love for you. He needs to realise this, that his "not caring" is about the affair and him, not you if that makes sense. If it is still going on then there is no chance he will be able to re-commit (if you want him to, that is).

Original poster
doijustgiveup · 16/04/2011 09:37

Sorry had to go to bed last night, was just too tired.

WWIFN, is right everything else going on was just too much for him, and not being able to give him the attention I would have normally given him, he threw his teddy out of the pram and acted like a two year old. ( My wonderful MIL's words to be exact)

I managed to get hold og his phone last night, when he came in so drunk with his best mate that BM had to put him to bed, and although he had tried to contact her, she isnt replying.

I also spoke to another player on his game, who sems to think the OW had completley dissappeared as H had talked to one of the players, who had basically called her on it all adn asked what the bloody hell she ws doing.

(OW is a Christain teacher BTW at a Christian school!)

Anyway, he is still asleep now, works shifts so will be working later, then I will have more time to think,

OP posts:
emmymoomoo · 16/04/2011 14:13

I see two issues here. The affair EA and the GAME. 2 issues which is why you are here today.

It sounds like a MMORPG. These games are very ADDICTIVE and can be a MASSIVE drain on family.

Many use them to escape reality, you say he has had a hard time, so have you.

But a lot of people become addicted to these games and withdraw and detatch from their friends/family/RL and the game becomes their life. They have 2 lives they detatch from their real one, and stop caring.

When you start putting your online game and online friends before your RL you have huge issues. It sounds what is happening here.

Sorry to say, stuff like this is rife in these games. It's full of people looking to escape, they get sucked in trying to escape life. The one thing leads to another, it's all part of the escapism and they detatch more at home.

THE LAST thing he should be doing is going on this game again. It's already caused you and him a lot of problems, he needs to realise this. Over investment in a game is not good. You find out this has been going on, so he "goes" back into that world that allowed him to detatch from you and link with her. On what planet is this acceptable.

He is putting the game before you. I'd bet any money if you ask him to quit the game, he won't. Because of his "friends" and his own personal investment in it, which has been detrimental to your relationship.

The people he plays with called the OW on it. Why not him, he's the married one? Think about it. This is his doing, not hers, not yours.

There are other issues here, not just the EA, but the game, where you are in his priorites in comparison. Unless he realises or changes, expect more of the same. You are not his priority, the game is, so's she.

Original poster
doijustgiveup · 16/04/2011 14:58

He has stopped playing the game, although still talking to some of the players by skype.

I didnt ask him too, but it was something I brought up at Relate, just how much he played it, he looked quite shocked, as if he hadn't thought that it was such an addiction.

His laptop is now in front of me, (rearanged the seating so I can) and I can now see what he does on it.

He now seems to read more, which is something we both did a lot of.

OP posts:
Original poster
doijustgiveup · 16/04/2011 18:03

He is so hard to read at the moment, as most of the time he acts no different than he has ever done (never the most talkative type, or demonstrative).

emmy, have you had experience of gaming addiction? you sound very knowledgeable,

He dosnt seem to know what he was trying to escape from tho, although I can see it, do you think he ever will?

OP posts:
emmymoomoo · 16/04/2011 21:13

Yes, I do kind of have knowledge. I play a mmorpg casually. We are tech freaks in this house.

My husband is away a lot for work. So it's time to pass an hour when the kids are in bed, he's away, tv is rubbish, all read out etc.

Some like minded people I have known for a couple of years, also try different games.

Thing is with me, I NEVER play it when my hubby is home, during the day, or when I have rl things on.

I've seen many men and women do what your Dh has done, not in my circle but outside. They almost seperate rl from game life. They detach from rl and game life takes over. The time some people with kids and partners spend on these games and xbox etc, is shocking.

Then flirting starts, it's ok though as it's not real...then it goes into rl contact.

It can be sorted, he needs to understand and accept his actions wrt investing more time in a game than your relationship, has caused these issues and this detachment. Counselling should help, but he needs to realise this for himself.

He also needs to step away from his guildies. If they are solely online acquaintances he needs to drop them and put you first.

The temptation to go back will be too strong, the drama of it all. I'm talking game and ow here.

These people are not his life they are toons in a game. They could be anyone. You are his living and breathing wife.

Original poster
doijustgiveup · 17/04/2011 10:09

He is back in touch with her, time I left .

OP posts:
Original poster
doijustgiveup · 17/04/2011 14:06

well i have kicked him out, i cant do anything, so need to look after myself.

OP posts:
Saffysmum · 17/04/2011 14:12

Are you ok? What happened? Hugs to you, you're very brave.

Sugarfreetea · 17/04/2011 14:32

Hi OP

Don't have much advice really, except to say WWIFN is right and you seem to have followed her guidance re giving yourself some space and giving your H a dose of reality.

I would add though - don't waver if he tries to weadle his way back, not until and unless he has demonstrated that he has completely cut off all contact with the OW. And he needs to do some work on why he was able to give himself the permssion for the online EA in the first place (and then even after you found out).

It's hard to do this when you still love your H. But you can love him and exert some control, if not over him, over your own life.

And don't beat yourself up for this happening to you again btw. It's not your fault.

NormaStanleyFletcher · 17/04/2011 14:37

doijustgiveup - so sorry to hear you are going through this.

It is good that you have taken control - let the next decisions be yours. Decide what you want, don't hang around waiting for him to decide whether he wants your marriage to continue.

If you do decide you want to work on your relationship with him, he will have to promise absolutely no more game, and no more contact with the OW.

Had to take a call in the middle of typing this, so apologies if I have x-posted

Original poster
doijustgiveup · 17/04/2011 15:53

Actually feeling stronger, still love him like hell, but I am just enabling him by him being here.

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HerHissyness · 17/04/2011 16:49

Hoping this will give him the jolt he needs. If it doesn't you have saved yourself more hurt and pain by prolonging the agony.

So sorry, hope you are OK

Original poster
doijustgiveup · 17/04/2011 18:13

I have to look after me now, I can't help him, he isn't the man I married, dont know where he went, but not here now.

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Original poster
doijustgiveup · 17/04/2011 19:58

Anger is beginning to recede now, just left feeling really unreal.

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JM70 · 17/04/2011 21:10

I haven't read all the answers here - but an online affair is a sign of something seriously wrong. My (now ex) husband had one for about six months. He blamed it on me on our deteriorating sex life - he thought I was seeing other men (which I wasn't) - and so felt that he should do the same. I tried to sort it out, but two years later left. He still thinks I was seeing other men. He is still 'friends' with this woman on facebook (he wasn't while we were together, but I suppose now he can be 'open'). Look after yourself, and trust your instincts.