Feel like a bit of a loser

[OberonTheHopeful]

Hi

I posted a while ago and thank you so much to everyone who replied. Things have been up and down. I've had an assessment for counselling and hope to begin within the next few months, depending on the waiting list. I've also started bereavement support at CRUSE, which is helping.

Was just looking for a bit of reassurance that things can get better. I had some bad news today, nothing a normal person wouldn't just shrug off, that really made me think of my future, or lack of it. I have no confidence, I don't seem to be making the friends I need, and at 43 I feel that life and some important opportunities have just passed me by. I don't know where to go with this and feel like one of life's losers to be honest.

Thanks for listening :)

I think even the most 'popular' people feel like losers at times.

You've been through lots and still going through it so don't dwell on feeling like a loser too much. Friends kinda happen. Concentrate more on doing things that make you happy or things you want to try, hopefully some of these things will bring friendships and satisfaction on a enjoyment level.

But at 43 you are hardly washed up. Hope tomorrow you feel stronger and brighter.

The smallest things can seem hugely difficult to deal with when you are struggling. Things will hopefully seem brighter with the counselling

MN is great when you are missng rl friends!

Thanks everyone, it's true that what should be a small setback seems really difficult, but I don't really have any close friends anymore, they've just been lost over the years, so much as string of acquaintances. Some are better than others and a couple know about my history, but it is clear that I can't be on the phone to them all the time.

I so much want to be positive but I'm finding it so hard to be. With my background and all of the emotional baggage I'm carrying I have nothing to offer anyone, friend or otherwise. I can't really see someone wanting to take it on to be honest. Please tell me this isn't it. Single and lonely at 53, then 63?

I have always been shy, a legacy of boarding school, and my XP knew how to exploit this. But right now I can't ever remember having so little confidence. I'm fine at work, but my personal life seems completely flat. I've been on my own for getting on for a year now and whilst I've got to know a few people I just don't seem to be able to make friends. I do try to get out, but there's only a few opportunities. I hate being so alone.

What do you like? What do you want to try? What will get out of house? Is it cake making? Gardening? Motorbikes? Bell ringing? Choirs? Photography? Darts? Knitting? Paper making? Canal barges? Get the local paper or look on the local forum and see if there's anything taking your fancy?

And is work social? Our place isn't meeting at the wine bar every Friday ( well if it is they don't invite me) but we have done things like chocolate tasting night at a local chocolate shop which was brilliant and been to a make your own pizza night at a deli. Perhaps you could plan similiar? To be honest I often don't want to go but always am glad I do.

It's hard to get motivated but just have a think eh? Think about you. No one will come knocking at your door. So annoyingly you have to get out. You might meet utter fools doing things you like but I bet you'll meet many lovely people and many lonely people.

Pancakeflipper, your points are well taken. I do get out as much as I can, and I do force myself to go. I've joined a local social group that do various things (e.g. cinema, saturday drinks, country walks). I've also joined the local book group that meet once a month and I go to kickboxing classes. There's really nothing social at work (not even the occasional drink unless someone is leaving), and in any case I'm home based as I have to visit customer sites a lot and I'm not often in the office. I've looked for other things, including evening classes, but can't find anything that fits in with work.

The people I have met have mostly been lovely, but they see the groups they attend as a supplement to their existing lives (i.e. a chance to chat people outside of their normal circle) and aren't really looking to acquire more friends as such. It might happen, but very slowly, and friendship building isn't my greatest skill. And though it may well be a bit soon I feel physically sick at the thought of actually asking someone out. The shock of this hit me today.

I'm really not trying to be negative, but just feel I've hit a wall. I've been so determined to rebuild my life, but don't feel like I'm getting anywhere. I can only hope that it will get better, but I don't feel that time is on my side.

You've hit a wall. Does not mean you won't climb over it. I think you need to repair yourself. You have been through lots. Keep yourself busy even when you feel like hiding. You will not be alone. You have had a relationship so there's no reason why you cannot do so again.. You do sound lovely. You do seem to have a determined positive outlook, just hit that bloody wall.

Anyway - perhaps one day in the future you might look at Internet dates or the Guardian Soul Mates. There are genuine people out there. And you never know whom might walk through the door on one of your socials. But I really think you need to be kinder to you and 'mend'.

You're right, it doesn't mean I won't climb over it. I've been thinking about the earlier posts as well. I only really need a couple of "breaks". I know I need to give myself time, it really is just so hard sometimes and I feel time isn't on my side. I had a blow today that should have been no more than glancing to anyone other than a teenager and yet it really hit me hard, probably for lots of complicated reasons. I obviously still have a lot of work to do.

I did speak to a close friend on the phone this evening (actually ex-SIL) and she said some very similar things. She got me to look at what I have actually done in the past year. I also spoke to the Mankind helpline and the guy there said very similar things. And I've managed to get another appointment with the DV support worker for two weeks on Friday, and talking to her always helps.

I do try to keep busy, but even at home there's only so much housework that can actually be done. I don't think I've ever been so on top of the laundry! And for the future, there must be at least some single women around my age. Aren't there? I've never had much confidence in that department (another school legacy I think) and find "the chase" as it were a bit terrifying, but I have always managed in the past, so maybe I will again.

MNers are just so wise :)

In life it's not how many times we fall down but how many times we get up that counts.
You may lack confidence but don't we all in one way or other? Everyone has self doubt and most people cover it up.
You say you are confident in work so you are obviously capable of feeling confident in yourself at some level. This is a good sign.

Hello Oberon,
I am in a very similar situation to you, so i know what you are saying..

I am 47, and finally managed to get out of an abusive relationship at christmas.
I have given up chasing friends for coffee meet ups, they're always so busy,and some days i don't speak to anyone apart from my 13 yr old DS.

I do however go to 'The recovery toolkit' programme at Womens aid once a week (a follow-on from 'The freedom programme'),and spend most evenings on MN..

The way i look at it, is it's lonely, but really okay to be alone.. it's weird how we panic about it because of our age, like time is running out, but it isn't. Theoretically we're only halfway through, and i know some amazing women in their 60s who are still learning about themselves, discovering things, meeting new people..There isn't an age when one is supposed to have everything worked out by..

I'd say slow down, and don't panic,do little things that make you happy, mine is gardening, reading, dancing around the kitchen (badly) going to exhibitions..if meeting new people isn't happening at the moment, that doesn't mean it won't happen in the future.I like the saying 'Things happen when you're least expecting them'

Thanks everyone! I did post on FB tonight (to a limited group) "that which does not kill us makes us a complete f*ing loser", but I guess if I can get through this, and I think I can, I will be all the better for it. Sometimes something relatively small happens and it becomes a real crisis, but I suppose that must be normal too when you don't have much to hold on to. This site has been great for me and I know I just need to keep trying to move forward.

Yet again this afternoon I was wondering if I should go back to my XP. Sometimes it just seems like the easiest option. Thankfully my no-nonsense friend managed to talk me out of it, as she always does. I really can't go back to all that, no matter how much she says she's changed.

Jellykat, I think you're right, things do happen when you least expect them. Some days the only other people I speak to work in the local cafe but I've got to know them quite well (I drink a lot of coffee) and when I went in this afternoon, obviously not OK, they were really concerned. Most people are just so lovely. I haven't been able to find a men's equivalent of the freedom programme where I live (I have looked quite hard), but I do spend most evenings reading MN . I don't post much but I've read some invaluable information and have started one of the Patricia Evans books people recommend. I've also read some brilliantly entertaining threads, like the one about own-brand spaghetti hoops. It's honestly better than TV :) Oh, and I don't really dance, but I do sing (very, very badly).

Singing it is then, try Nina Simone 'Feeling Good','tis guaranteed to make you

Listen to your friend and don't go back, you've come this far and although you might not feel like you're moving forward in leaps and bounds,don't feel disheartened by it, sometimes just standing still is okay too.

( Remember Aesops story of 'The Hare and the tortoise' )

That's a really great tune, I've just found out the CD. Unfortunately I was going to go to bed and now it's going round in my head so looks like I'll be up for a while longer :o After all, I'm single and I can do what I like!

Glad you enjoyed that track, it's particularly uplifting played loud, on a beautiful Sunny morning..

How are you today?

Hi Jellykat, thank you :). I am a bit better today. Haven't had much sleep, but should be OK tonight. I know logically that I can't change what has happened and have to deal with what is in front of me, I just don't always feel it. But I can't keep carrying regrets if I am to build the new life I need. I think it's just an indication of my mental state that small setbacks can seem insurmountable at times. The doc told me that this is a common feature of depression. But of course they're not, and the odd crisis is to be expected. I just have to keep telling myself that I am 'only' 43.

My attempt to quit smoking did come to an abrupt end yesterday, but I'll just give it another few weeks and try again. I've given up before so I know I can do it at some point.

You said things happen when you least expect them. Well, today my ex-SIL has invited me to a picnic on Monday and someone I know through the social group, noticing that I seemed a bit down from my FB posts, has asked me to go for a drink with her on Saturday. Are you actually psychic? MN has been such a help to me recently but this is a whole new level!

And thank you for reminding me of Nina Simone, who I haven't listened to for ages. I've been singing it all day, but thankfully I don't think the neighbours are in :) Better go easy though or the current fine weather may come to an abrupt end :o

Glad you feel slightly perkier today

Funny,i was thinking of giving up smoking today too, but i put on a stone last time, i decided that given my occasional self esteem wobbles at the mo, i don't really need to be feeling 'fatter' too.. one thing at a time i reckon, agree like you, to write it down on the 'to do at some point' list.

So pleased you have 'plans' for this weekend,hey, maybe my instincts have come back with avengence, having been completely and utterly ignored for the past few years!

Hee hee i'm lucky - No neighbours! - well i have 2 fields away, but i reckon my superb 'operatic' tones won't reach that far...

Keep singing!

Hope you get some decent sleep tonight!

Thank you, you too! Nobody's singing can be worse than mine. At school I was politely, but quite firmly, requested not to audition for the choir :)

I'm worried about the same thing with stopping smoking, especially given my fondness for chocolate. Hmm, coffee, chocolate and a smoke. There's a thought ...

Eventually, darling, you will be fine! So sorry that you're feeling so down right now but take care of yourself and things will improve! x

You sound like a lovely guy, and you've been through an awful lot, (read your other thread too).

Give yourself time, sounds like you are coming along in leaps and bounds and please don't even contemplate going back to an abusive relationship!

As for the singing, how about Gloria Gaynor's "I will survive"?

It's an anthem for us who've come out of abusive relationships!

P.s. You are not a loser, but a fighter! So give yourself a pat on the back!

Keep going Oregon, you can do it....apologies for the list but just running out the door.

1. Keep dismissing thoughts of returning to xp
2. If you fall off the wagon ciggie wise, don't beat yourself up, just try again when you are ready
3. Keep trying to find things you like doing....being single and comfortable and happy in your own company is a lovely liberating feeling.....try to get a bit of that before embarking on new relationships....you have lots of time.

Thank you everyone! And I'm so sorry for the delayed response, I've been spending the day with family and no net access. Posting on MN has been such a great help to me recently and it really helps to remind me just how kind and thoughtful people are. I do get into crisis mode from time to time, which is probably to be expected I suppose, and sometimes a minor setback can seem almost insurmountable. This site has been a bit of a lifesaver.

The therapist who assessed me last week did warn me that I'm likely to start experiencing everything at once for a while (i.e. that I can't expect to be able to just take one set of issues, like my last abusive relationship, and deal with them in isolation). It's hard but it has to be done. I was exploring this with the bereavement counsellor last night and I realised that my dad was such an important part of my life that I can't just divorce how much I miss him from everything else. I just have to try to draw out the different strands slowly. Likewise with the problems I carry from school because they're continuing to affect me such a lot. So I'm spending a lot of time on all of these things. It's really hard but everyone is confident that I'll be so much the better for it, and I am beginning to see that. I do wish my dad were still here, I miss him so much and I know that he'd just be able to give me a hug and make everything seem OK, just for a bit. But I know he'd be telling me I'm doing just the right things.

I'm not worrying about smoking for now, I'll just try to quit again when it seems right. And I'm not as worried about meeting someone new. I have a lot to do and I can certainly hope to become a better person because of it. It'll happen when it does and I also have to consider what I might have to offer someone right now. In any case, if I'm 43 (or 44 or 45) and single there must be some women who are too :)

I've been re-reading the posts, and the ones from my previous thread, a lot and there's just so much great advice and support. I still have my relaxation CD that helps shut off intrusive thoughts for a while (and a great book called "Quiet Your Mind"). I've been singing along to feeling good in the car today again (in the car, no one can hear you strangle a cat sing :o) and I have to confess that I've been singing "I Will Survive" for a while .

You are doing better than me by miles!

I also feel that DV has left such a shitty legacy. It's like I'll never turn the corner fully.

This Bank Holiday weekend is hard.

Hello Oberon, it sounds like a house of cards.. It makes sense that most people 'keep on top' of their emotional stuff on a day to day level, until they reach a real low point, and everything comes crashing down.

Brilliant that you're meeting it all head on, most people i know deal with their unresolved stuff by suppressing it with drink, dope and harder drugs..It really should show you what a strong person you are..Bloody good on ya!

AND you're out tomorrow night.. Hooray!

Coincidentally when i got up yesterday, Muses version of 'feeling good' was on the radio, a much harder version and wonderfully theatrical, unfortunately emulating Matt Bellamys' high pitched bit was a complete no-no.

hobgoblin Is there a particular reason re.why this weekend is hard? or like me, is it weekends in general? (particularly with a bank holiday)

Hi hobbgoblin, Please don't be so hard on yourself. It seems like I'm doing a lot and in some ways I am, but I get a lot of 'down' times, like this week and a lot of times when I don't feel like I'll turn a corner either. A few days ago I was feeling that I couldn't re-build my life at all. I was mourning the time I've lost and a relationship I might have had with someone else. I still get like that a lot and probably will for a long time, but the posts and threads I've read on here have been so helpful.

It's so true that DV leaves a shitty legacy. I found that apart from anything else it has really attacked my sense of self worth, never great to start with, left me feeling worthless, unlovable and freakish. But people on here and in RL have shown me how I am worth something and it doesn't always have to be this way. I know that logically they are right, and although I don't feel it a lot of the time I do feel it a bit, and it's getting to be just a little bit more every so often.

I still feel low a great deal, I still have a lot of trust issues, I still feel ashamed and I still have flashbacks and nightmares. But with each month that passes it's just a bit less. I'm still depressed, but according to the doc it's now 'moderately severe' rather than 'severe' so definitely heading in the right direction. I know that progress will be up and down rather than a smooth improvement and I'm sure I'll be starting another thread on here when I meet the next crisis that I can't unload somehow. It's all part of a process. I've learned a lot of this on MN, and the suggestions I've had in the last couple of months have really worked for me.

Weekends are particularly tough it's true, I remember saying this on my last thread, and long bank holidays especially. Leaving an abusive relationship is a real relief, it was to me, and every day when I go home I'm thankful for knowing what I'm going home to (even the noisy neighbours!) and that I can feel safe. But it leaves such a huge gap and the intense loneliness that goes with it came as such a shock. I'm someone who needs close company from time to time and it's been really hard (I'm a bit insecure by nature and my XP really knows how to exploit this). For the first few months after I left I did very little to help myself apart from going to al-anon once a week. Then towards the end of last year I decided I couldn't continue like that and forced myself both to get out more and make the most I could of the help available to me (including MN, I'd been lurking for some time before I posted). What I can now see, with the help of all you MNers, is that I couldn't undertake any given activity until I was ready for it. And even now I know it will take a long time.

I have to really force myself to be positive a lot of the time, and don't always succeed. Look at the title of this thread and remember that this is from someone who has two support workers (one at an alcohol project and the DV worker at the local authority), is undergoing bereavement counselling and about to start (hopefully) intensive personal therapy that I've been warned could be for up to two years. I've read of so many experiences on here that are so much worse than mine and the courage that you show is incredible, and you still take time from that to post on my thread! You are all such an amazing inspiration to me.

Be kind to yourself!

Oh, and sorry for the length of this post!

Hi Jellykat, It does feel like a house of cards sometimes. I think in the past I was keeping everything buried, hence all the years with my XP when I never told a soul what was happening. I thought I was coping when I was doing nothing more than keeping a lid on it and burying everything. And now it's all coming out.

It's felt like a bit being in free fall a lot of the time, but thinking about everything this week I don't have to see it as a bad thing. For one thing I'm now having to get to grips with childhood issues that I should have tackled 20 or more years ago, and I didn't realise until recently how much of effect they've been having all this time. I don't feel strong at all though, quite the opposite.

I like Muse anyway, and their version of 'Feeling Good' is a really great cover, but you've definitely got me on a Nina Simone nostalgia trip! It's been going round in my head for a couple of days and I almost started singing it to my nephew today, but that would just have been cruel :) You do know some really good music!