Feel like a bit of a loser

[OberonTheHopeful]

Hi

I posted a while ago and thank you so much to everyone who replied. Things have been up and down. I've had an assessment for counselling and hope to begin within the next few months, depending on the waiting list. I've also started bereavement support at CRUSE, which is helping.

Was just looking for a bit of reassurance that things can get better. I had some bad news today, nothing a normal person wouldn't just shrug off, that really made me think of my future, or lack of it. I have no confidence, I don't seem to be making the friends I need, and at 43 I feel that life and some important opportunities have just passed me by. I don't know where to go with this and feel like one of life's losers to be honest.

Thanks for listening :)

Hey Oberon, How was last night??

Hi Jellykat, Thank you, last night was great! We ended up staying quite late to talk as we seem to have a lot in common. It really made me feel like I'm finally starting to build friendships here. As everyone says, it's just a question of time. It's times like this when I realise that it really is worth all of the effort to make myself do it.

I'm going to a picnic tomorrow with ex-SIL and DN, which should be good, and helping them move house on Thursday. She's been really supportive to me over the past year and it will be a good chance to catch up. The downside is I have spend Tues/Weds at the house with XP to sort through some things that can't be put off any more. It should be OK, it won't be the first time we've met since I left and a friend who lives nearby has made it clear he's on the phone if I need him. I'll just be glad when the place is finally sold and I can put it all behind me.

Thank you so much for your kind messages, they make a huge difference when I'm feeling so down and alone. And another thank you for re-introducing me to Origin of Symmetry. I've been listening to it all day and had forgotten what a great album it is. In fact I've made myself an MN playlist that I can use to lift my spirits a bit when I need it :)

So pleased you had a great night!

Wow, you've got a busy week coming up, that's good, hopefully less thinking time for anything negative.. It does sound like a lot of people really care about you, that says so much

Stay strong on Tues/Weds, i'd say do what needs to be done as quickly as poss. and try not to be drawn into any personal discussions..

TBH I have to admit to being a bit music obsessed, my DS1 knew the sounds of the Sea creatures in the B52s 'Rocklobster' track almost before he could speak .. He's now in the last year of a BA at a very prestigious Institute of Modern Music - one of the drumming tutors is Kieron Pepper formerly from 'The Prodigy' and they have masterclasses with the likes of Jeff Beck!

Can you tell i'm proud?..

I'm a bit of a loner, so my reckoning is Music and laughter are essential .. I sat down with DS1 at Christmas and we burnt a brilliant compilation CD... It makes me sooooo happy when i put it on

Have an excellent picnic tomorrow!

Hi Jellykat, sounds to me like you have every reason to be proud! I used to spend a lot of time listening to music and making my own compilations (probably not very good ones if I'm honest) but lost that part of my life over the years. Now it's something I am slowly getting back in to, but so much to catch up on and so much new as well. Listening to music has always helped me when stressed. Thank goodness for YouTube :) Some of my albums I actually only have on vinyl .

Had a lovely afternoon at the picnic and a good chance to catch up, until late afternoon when XP started texting to know where I was (I had said I'd be arriving in the evening and she knows it is the other side of London). She was OK when I got here though and had clearly not been drinking which is good. She's been asking a lot of questions about what I'm doing and who I see. It's a bit like being interviewed, but I'm being good at not being drawn so far. In fact I have really surprised myself at just how boundaried I've been. Just really hope I can keep it up. I'm staying in the spare room (with the door locked) but always have the option of a B&B. It's only until first thing Thursday and there's a lot to be sorted through, the accumulation of over thirteen years, so it has to be done. Talk about mixed emotions though.

Hi Oberon,i know you won't have anytime to read this, but KEEP STRONG!!
(apologies for shouting, thought there'd be more chance of you hearing )

I can only imagine how much stuff has to be sorted. Well done in being disengaged so far.. it's a difficult situation to say the least.. Good Luck!

(I did chuckle at the 'door locked' bit, i can't resist adding that it sounds like full body armour would help in your situation.)

Hi Jellykat, I think the shouting must have worked! All in all it probably went as well as could be expected. I got a few lectures from XP but I think I was quite good at not taking too much notice, and at not answering all of the questions about myself. She was quite friendly to start with, but by yesterday this had shifted to all the ways I would have to change for me to go back (even though I've made it clear I'm not going to). I really don't think she likes it that I won't do as I'm told anymore.

I left first thing this morning before she was up, and it was a relief. I know now better than ever what I need to do and what I'm definitely not going back to. I've actually been feeling quite happy about it. I think it was the reminder I needed.

There's so much to sort out, but next time a friend who lives nearby has offered to put me up. I'll be so glad when the place is sold. It was still upsetting though, going through all of the things we'd bought when I still felt there was some hope, that she would finally stick to her promises. And I'd forgotten how much of my stuff is broken. I don't know why she used to damage my possessions like that, or what it could have done for her to do so. I suppose I'll never really understand it. Definitely a new beginning :)