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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

partner being nasty-what do you think?

41 replies

joblot · 19/04/2011 16:08

im new here so please be gentle. my partner of 3 years has started being rather horrid to me over the past year, since we bougth our first home together. she shouts and swears when we fall out, and calls me nasty names. it has quite shocked me as this is not how i have behaved before in relationships. i am a peaceful person, i dont lose my temper often at all. she loses it lots, less so since taking anti depressents.

i have been far from the perfect partner but my main issue has been getting jealous. i have managed to curtail it quite a lot and we have talked about it, and i accept it needs to be managed better. and i do so. i have been jealous before, i can see its my problem in the main.

then today she accused me of sending her a suggestive tx via a friends phone (i did not, never have, genuinely would not have thought of doing such a thing). to try and catch her out. i am stunned by this, yet she is angry with me for being stunned and surprised. she put the phone down on me when i rang to talk about it.

i have a sinking feeling and i do not know what i must do now to sort it. im fed up of tryng to keep the peace and make things better. im tired of it.

i just wondered what people not involved in this thought about it?

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfTheNight · 19/04/2011 20:20

I think you should ask her if she in fact wants to be in a relationship with you.

WriterofDreams · 19/04/2011 21:52

You should never have to put up with being called names. The text situation sounds very odd, as though she's finding something to be angry about and that rings alarm bells. What was the problem with your jealousy? Was it a genuine problem or just something she made you feel bad about? It seems like you've made a good effort to work at the relationship and that you've done your best to keep her happy but clearly it's not working. Do you actually get much out of the relationship?

Original poster
joblot · 20/04/2011 13:05

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I love her and we have some fantastic times. I am wondering if she has deep seated problems that are getting in the way. I don't feel I can give up on it.

I have been jealous and it must be upsetting for other people. I think it is under control and an irritant rather than anything damaging. I worry that I am minimizing it but that is how it looks

OP posts:
OTheHugeManatee · 20/04/2011 13:16

Could she be anxious about the commitment you two have made together in buying a home? It sounds as though there are some underlying fears.

What was your behaviour when you were jealous? Have you talked about her experience of this since you made an effort to change? If your jealous reactions were extreme or disturbing, it may be that it takes a while for her to regain her trust that you're the even-tempered, loving partner she first fell in love with.

As a bit of context, my DP had a serious breakdown a couple of years ago, that included some jealous explosions, dissociative episodes where he'd rant and rave and behave very unreasonably, and other distressing things. He's better now, but he and I are both aware that it will take a long period of nothing like that occurring before I relax completely if he seems 'off' or in a bad mood.

Talk to your partner, see if you can find out what's underlying her behaviour.

Original poster
joblot · 20/04/2011 13:38

Oh we have talked. And had counselling. I can see where some of the behaviour comes from. I understand most of it but she tends not to take my hurt and upset seriously, making counter claims and forcing me to raise issue. She accuses me of controlling her and I'm horrified. For a while I've looked at my behaviour and motives, anxious that I'm being badly behaved. Feedback from good friends and this reflection day not. I feel utterly stuck and frightened. It sounds silly I know but I'm out of my depth. I'm 40 so It's not as though Im without experience

OP posts:
RudeEnglishLady · 20/04/2011 13:55

So what was your jealous behaviour? Phoning all the time when she's out? Sulking with her for going out? Embarrassing her in front of her friends with accusations? Showing up unexpectedly? Stuff like that?

If it is that then I suspect that's where she's getting the controlling accusations and the fury. That might not be something she can get over.

If its not that... how does your jealousy manifest itself?

prettyfly1 · 20/04/2011 14:07

I was just about to ask the same as rudelady. What is the history - if you had to go to councelling over it it has to have been pretty bad. How long were you in councelling for?

Mobly · 20/04/2011 14:10

Shouting and swearing and calling you nasty names is verbal abuse. There are no excuses for this sort of behaviour.

You have not elaborated much on your 'jealousy' so like the other poster I would like to know how you acted upon your feelinds of jealousy. Also, were you always jealous and why? If you don't mind.

Original poster
joblot · 20/04/2011 14:12

I sulked a little when we first met and we talked and I got on top of it. Now I'm fine when she goes out, i like having time alone. I have been sulky about a new friend of hers who possibly has designs on her. I'm trying hard to be normal but we both behave differently when other person comes up. I don't ring text turn up etc. Nor read emails. But I've definitely been sulky now I think about it.

OP posts:
RudeEnglishLady · 20/04/2011 14:15

Joblot - when you write this "I have been jealous and it must be upsetting for other people." That says to me "I used to create big scenes and drama". Now its "I think it is under control and an irritant rather than anything damaging." That says to me "I am complaining, sulking and making comments".

I am just guessing here as you haven't stated your case (and four of us have asked!). If this is true then I bet she's hopping mad!

BarbieGrows · 20/04/2011 14:16

Jealous behaviour is a matter not to be taken lightly. It indicates a lack of balance - either one partner is leaving the other out, or the jealous partner is being controlling.

On the other hand, trust is not to be taken lightly either. The fact that she has openly stated that she does not trust you must be devastating for you, I would guess that she wants out.

RudeEnglishLady · 20/04/2011 14:16

oooh - cross posted Joblot

RudeEnglishLady · 20/04/2011 14:17

Do you think you both could be happier with other people?

OTheHugeManatee · 20/04/2011 14:25

This accusation of 'trying to catch her out' is really weird though. You'd need a pretty twisted mind to send a suggestive text from a friend's phone so as to 'catch her out'. If she imagines your mind is as twisted as that then she's either got a very guilty conscience or she is expecting jealous controlling behaviour from you all the time.

Does she have a history of controlling exes? Could she be projecting past experience onto you? Is this fallout from your former jealousy?

At first impressions though it sounds as though you two might have more of a chance if you took some space from each other for a while - though I recognise that might be difficult if you've just bought a home together. Sad

OTheHugeManatee · 20/04/2011 14:26

Also you mention she's on antidepressants. Can you say any more about the history there? If she's being treated for MH issues that could be a factor in your situation.

RudeEnglishLady · 20/04/2011 14:34

Yes re. the text - why didn't she tell you your friend had sent her an inappropriate message and ask what you both ought to do about it?

That would have been my reaction to that scenario. It sounds like there is more to this than just some jealous sulking and name-calling.

Not saying thats all down to you Joblot - just saying this situation seems complex.

Original poster
joblot · 20/04/2011 15:02

I find it difficult to assess my jealousy. But its not ranting raving, more sulking and off comments as rudenglishlady says.

She says she loves me greatly and is loving the majority of the time. These outbursts are weighing heavily on me though.
Othehuge- I wonder if my partner has some similar problem? She manages her temper with the rest of the world, but when she loses it with me its horrible and no amount of calm reasoning seems to make it better

OP posts:
kennypowers · 20/04/2011 15:32

I've got a question...have you seen the text? Because if you didn't send it, somebody did (assuming there was one to begin with).

RudeEnglishLady · 20/04/2011 15:37

Was anything deep / relevant aired by either of you in counselling? Or was that for different issues?

Have you got young children keeping her awake at night or something other than you (not meant offensively) that makes her just lose it?

NotTheMessiahJustMouseface · 20/04/2011 15:40

Joblot - it sounds hard for you. Her outbursts to you are because she can let it out at you. She feels secure enough to do it IYSWIM. She feels that by getting it all out will help her.

I know that isn't a great reason at all for her doing that. I also agree with Kenny that you need to have a look at the text.

When you say that she has a new friend that you are wary of, is this friend male or female? I'm just trying to understand why you feel this way I guess about this person.

Does she go out with him/her?

WriterofDreams · 20/04/2011 15:43

Hmm joblot, it seems you're trying to blame yourself for things that really aren't your fault. It's very good of you to try to change your behaviour to suit your gf but if you're finding you have to change everything about yourself and she's still not happy then you have to ask where it's all going to end. Sulking is silly behaviour but from what you've said it seems fairly mild and hardly something to blow up about. Screaming, shouting and name calling are just not acceptable and you shouldn't have to put up with it from her.

OTheHugeManatee · 20/04/2011 15:55

Joblot - when my DP went bang it was a complex thing. He was horribly stressed at work, through a combination of abusive boss, 90-hour weeks and very difficult industry climate. That was overlaid on deep-seated childhood trauma. The result was pretty grim for both of us and I nearly left on several occasions. In fact it was the evening I rang to end the relationship that became the turning point - I realised how ill he was and told him to go sort himself out if he wanted the relationship to have a chance. He did, and the relationship did have a chance. But if he hadn't wanted us to make it that couldn't have happened. And I didn't want to be a codependent rescuer, making my own life miserable for eternity with someone who refused to sort their own shit out.

I wouldn't like to make assumptions about your situation from what happened to us, as every relationship is different. But there are a number of questions that bear considering, for example

  • Does she have a traumatic past?
  • Are there any stress situations in your life at the moment that might be contributing, eg bad stuff at work, young children, family issues?
  • Are there patterns to these outbursts?
  • Is there anything you might be doing to enable the situation to carry on? eg walking away rather than tackling the situation/telling her that kind of language isn't on, minimising the impact afterwards
  • Most importantly, do both of you want the relationship to continue? If her heart isn't in it then nothing you can do will change that. But if her heart is in it, then she needs to realise that abusive behaviour is never okay in a relationship.
Original poster
joblot · 20/04/2011 15:58

It's a bit depressing now I'm expressing it out loud so to speak. I've not had this experience before and I am trying to make it work despite the problems. We need to talk to a counsellor I think about this. I've been taking it on my shoulders and its dawning on me that perhaps it isn't acually all my fault. I see that things look blavk and white in print but in the flesh its so horribly complex. Another motivation is my desire for this to work. I hope thst os not blurring my vision. That's why I'm asking for outside help

OP posts:
OTheHugeManatee · 20/04/2011 16:04

when she loses it with me its horrible and no amount of calm reasoning seems to make it better

That's dangerous territory. It sounds like it has the potential to become a toxic, abusive dynamic. The pattern goes like this:

A gets agitated
B tries to remain calm
A gets angry and abusive, trying to get a reaction
B freezes, again tries to avoid escalating, tries to get A to calm down
A gets more enraged, trying to get a reaction
B goes into shock
A pretends nothing has happened/apologises and says it'll never happen again, and goes back to being loving.

Then there's an interval of being loving before it happens again.

I don't want to get over-dramatic, but I do think you have to tackle this. If it isn't resolved, you need to leave. If you don't I fear it may get worse, and your confidence get chipped away until you feel you can't walk away.

I make no assumptions about your gender, but just in case you are a man and think abuse doesn't happen to men: my dad is in a marriage that works like this, and is on the end of this kind of treatment regularly Sad

BarbieGrows · 20/04/2011 16:16

joblot I hear you. "It is only just dawning on me that it may not be my fault."

I wish you all the best. I can't help you, I'm in the same boat - just don't let it go on for 25 years like I did. x

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