partner being nasty-what do you think?

[joblot]

im new here so please be gentle. my partner of 3 years has started being rather horrid to me over the past year, since we bougth our first home together. she shouts and swears when we fall out, and calls me nasty names. it has quite shocked me as this is not how i have behaved before in relationships. i am a peaceful person, i dont lose my temper often at all. she loses it lots, less so since taking anti depressents.

i have been far from the perfect partner but my main issue has been getting jealous. i have managed to curtail it quite a lot and we have talked about it, and i accept it needs to be managed better. and i do so. i have been jealous before, i can see its my problem in the main.

then today she accused me of sending her a suggestive tx via a friends phone (i did not, never have, genuinely would not have thought of doing such a thing). to try and catch her out. i am stunned by this, yet she is angry with me for being stunned and surprised. she put the phone down on me when i rang to talk about it.

i have a sinking feeling and i do not know what i must do now to sort it. im fed up of tryng to keep the peace and make things better. im tired of it.

i just wondered what people not involved in this thought about it?

That sounds like a terrible situation to be in barbie. I hope you have a better life now?

We have talked some on last hour and she feels powerless and unequal. I haven't given all details of our situation as I'm worried we will be recognized. She's not working and depends on me. Which she resents. Whatever I suggest is discarded. I can now see that's to do with feeling out of control. Still I resent having to drive the talking and sorting but I got myself into this relationship after all.

So we will keep talking tonight, hoping to make some progress. I hadn't put pieces of jigsaw together til now.

Thanks for all the thoughts and advice so far, it's helped. Sorry about the spelling mistakes.

For what it's worth joblot, you sound like a very caring partner who is really committed to the relationship. You are right to try to make things work but try not to sacrifice too much of yourself in the process. The person you are with should make you feel good about yourself. If she's making you feel not good enough then you have to question whether it's worth trying at all.

And don't worry about the spelling mistakes (not that I spotted any lol)

Thanks writer. I try to do as I would be done by. We've talked and made some headway. The tx issue is peculiar, I did see the them and they were odd but I know these things happen. She's adamant she was joking when accusing me of setting it up, but im glad she did because it was so ridiculous I couldn't fall into introspection and uncertainty. And
it brought things to a head.

I'll keep an eye on things and report back. Because I find it interesting knowing how things work out for people, not because I believe its particularly thrilling for the rest of the world.

OK, now you have given more information I am more inclined to think that her 'verbal abuse' might be a reaction to your jealous sulking and 'off comments' whatever those may be.

I have been on the receiving end of an irrationally jealous partner (more than once) and it is draining and depressing and controlling. If, every time you go out, or get dressed up, there are babrbed little comments, or an atmosphere, then that is controlling. It makes you feel like not bothering. It got to the point in one relationship where I mentioned changing my hair colour back to blonde- and XP immediately said 'yeah that's cos you want to get more attention from men'. WTF?? Comments like that, especially if a regular occurrence can drive you to shouting. XP would always say after he had wound me up or upset me that he was joking.

So now I am wondering if you are pushing her to her limits with the sulking/comments and is it any wonder she loses her temper?

What do you think op?

Yes my jealousy has got some influence on her behaviour I think. And a whole raft of other stuff. I think a number of things have added up to trigger her into feeling insecure. I just wish she'd take more responsibility for managing them. We have talked rationally and I'm hopful made progress. We are in unequal positions but I can't change that.

Hello again Joblot.

Two things stand out to me from your last post.

1. You admit your jealousy is a problem. Why is your jealousy more important, less damaging or more valid than her fury? If you are grumping about making comments then you are failing to manage your insecurity - which is exactly what you critisise of her "I just wish she'd take more responsibility for managing them".

2. You both think you are in unequal positions - why? You bought a house together, you are both adults... we are not in the 19th century! I am a SAHM, my DH earns more than I ever did etc. and we don't feel this. I am as vital to my DH as he is to me. You need to reinforce equality by words and actions.

I'm really not saying this is your fault or anything, but, its really quite messed up. You both seem to be almost competing with 'who's got the most valid insecurity' and emoting your needs to each other in quite extreme ways and yet neither are truly responding. You are not pulling together, hence the feeling of inequality and the conflict.

I might be reading this totally wrong BTW, its just how it seems to me...

Oh - and did the text come from one of your friends phones? Because if it did I'd be tearing him a new one on why he thought it was okay to send your missus a pervy text.

my friends would disown me if i even suggested sending texts to catch someone out. it's not something i would do

You are being gaslighted joblot, if there is a problem in your personality with jealousy, and you have worked so hard to overcome it, this woman is potentially doing things to set you off. That's sick.

You may be committed to the relationship, but from here it looks like you have walled yourself in, thrown everything you have into the relationship in the hope it'll make it successful, happy and that she will treat you nicely. And nothing of the case is happening.

You sound like I have been in the past. Trapped. You can't reason, counsel, advise, cajole or encourage someone who gives themselves permission to treat you like this. You need to find some DV/EA abuse books for your situation.

You are a man right? well there are books about DV for men too. Women's Aid could refer you onto the right place to get help.

The way you are being treated is not acceptable.

No Joblot. I'm not saying you sent the text. I'm saying that if a text came from your friends phone it means that your friend sent a pervy text. What did he do that for and what are you going to do about it.

If my DHs friend sent me a pervy text I would not say "DH, you bad man - why are you trying to catch me out in a juvenile prank" I would say "look what your friend sent me - what a sexist tit. How should we deal with this?"

It is very wierd that she was sooo angry on the phone and now says she was joking. Did she invent the whole thing? Have you seen the text?

yes saw texts. they were odd, a bit childish, but sexual. god knows where they came from. im not actually bothered, just thought wrong number etc.

I would say that it is not clear cut whats happening here- as in many relationships with problems. if it was this forum would be empty. and many others. what i and others are trying to do is get impartial feedback which help with perspective. it's not simple and i resent those who scream leave or stay or whatever. as if that will help.

i do appreciate people who reflect back and take time to think about what im saying, in all its incompleteness

i worry im going mad. jury is still out

Gaslighting is the term for abuse that is designed specifically for you to doubt your own sanity.

You are not going mad. People who are mad, do not think they are mad, they think they are the ONLY sane one left.

No-one else (that is happy) lives in the situation you describe.

Could you take a bit of time off from all this? just to see what living without this constant fear and drama is like?

Trouble is, I understand what you say about people shouting LEAVE and you resenting that. When one person is inflicting this kind of nasty on their supposed partner, giving themselves permission to make their partner feel bad about themselves and it's of their own choice to do so, this is abuse. This is unacceptable. It's harmful, degrading, and dangerous to your health.

Long way round this? Talk it out, plead, beg and reason with them as to why you don't want to be screeched at, accused of stuff, and attacked verbally/physically. Eventually though, some event will transpire, will be the straw to the camel's back and you will realise that all of the above was pissing in the wind. The person will not change because they don't think they should, they are entitled to treat you badly so will do so, regardless.

Short cut to the same eventuality: Stand up, say Enough is enough and if you are this unhappy then please find somewhere else to be while we sort things out, but attacking me is not acceptable. Tell them to behave, treat you with respect and then you can talk about reconciliation.

....Or... you could do nothing and stay like this, get more and more trodden down until even when the gate is open, you won't be able to walk free.

Get some RL support, STOP this behaviour from her today. Lay down some hefty boundaries and insist on them being respected, from now on. Claw back the respect you so rightly deserve.

Sure you may have had problems with your behaviour in the past, but you sorted yourself out and are working to better yourself and your behaviour. Hats off to you.

Perhaps it's time to realise that now that you have bettered yourself, that you deserve better than this. Perhaps you have outgrown this abusive person. Time to stretch your wings and fly higher.

One more thing, relationships are fiendishly simple actually.

I love you, you love me.
I want the best for you, the best for us.

You want the best for me and the best for us.

Abusive relationships are not as simple as there is an agenda. the manipulation is much more complex and elaborate than a straightforward non game-playing relationship.

Life isn't usually this hard

Thanks. That is very helpful and kind of you. I'm seeing a good friend soon and I'll talk about it. Have felt disloyal but this has helped me get some perspective back

Love, you are not being disloyal. That's another trap to fall into, to keep this a secret. Once you realise that you are the only one putting up with this, you'll gain an indignance and be able to use it to stand up for yourself.

Never forget that we are always here, and always happy to hold anyone's hand or give you a manly pat if and when you need it.

Pats gratefully accepted. Trying to get thru the weekend despite feeling hurt and depressed. Distraction is a great thing. Hope others are having sun fun