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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

dont really know where else to post - this is very long and probably very tedious

45 replies

ExeterisEasy · 19/04/2011 01:10

been in rl with OH for nearly 7 years. over the last 2 years or so its become really really difficult, he's out every night (literally every night - 5 nights a week) after work at the pub and no im not being an unreasonable bitch its not an hour and a quick pint its 3 or 4 pints and getting back at half ten/11 pm. ive then got to cook his tea. i dont have to but if i dont he wont eat and will get drunker/nastier/ill from not eating. (i dont need a lecture on that point). its my daughters birthday tomorrow (well today) and as live a long way away from all my/her family (300 miles) they have all sent her some prezzies. i wanted her to come down tomorrow morning to see a nice pile of gifts, ive got a few balloons and a banner etc (shes only 8) nothing much as i dont have much money. he's been awful awful about it. telling me how much i "hang on" to "extended family" because im desperate for their hand outs. telling me how much its disgusting that she has got "so much" when its just a "birthday". she got a lot. i mean its more than i would have got at her age but its a present off her dad, my sister, a joint one off my neices who are 17 13 and 7, a couple off my mum and dad, a couple off her dad's mum and dad, a big one (a cd player) and a couple of cds/dvds off her dad, some colouring pencils/books etc. it ain't a 26foot trampoline a minimoto or a trip to disneyworld. he was coming over picking up the tags making horrible comments about me only staying with him because i needed his money or needed money and gifts off my daughters "extended family" because i couldnt make her happy on my own. im so so so so angry and i know it wont change. this isnt unusual. there is always something, either im too fat or my hair isnt right or ive not cleaned up enough or i embarassed him in the supermarket or im not dressed right blah blah blah. its normal. i dont even know what im asking/if im asking anything.

my only way out would be to ask my ex husband (dds dad) to lend me some money to get away and rent a house. wtf am i meant to do :-(

OP posts:
Original poster
ExeterisEasy · 19/04/2011 01:12

my daughter loves him btw, thinks hes the best thing ever. i felt bad enough about the divorce from her dad, she was only 18 months, am i meant to do it again? she heard us rowing the other night - sad face blah blah im not the worlds best mother - and said "he's in my heart". :-(

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Original poster
ExeterisEasy · 19/04/2011 01:14

i have NO friends because when i had friends he called them all slags and said i couldnt be trusted to go out with slags because id be "shagging" around outside nightclubs (all 30+ ladies) so it was easier to stop going out. now i have literally NO friends. every day i spend on my own until 3.15 when school gets out.

OP posts:
malibustac · 19/04/2011 01:18

You could go to womans aid. He doesn't deserve you and you shouldn't have to put up with this horrible behaviour. My honest opinion is that you definately have to leave. Enjoy your dd's birthday with her as you planned

AKissIsNotAContract · 19/04/2011 01:21

He is abusive and controlling. He has isolated you from your friends and now he is trying to isolate you from your family. Everything in your post is classic abusive behaviour. Try to get some sleep and check back in the morning. There will be lots of advice and support for you. I just didn't want your post to be unanswered.

easycomeeasygo · 19/04/2011 01:26

Hi, yes I agree it's abusive, I had all that from my ex H too, infact i've been seriously slated in my thread below (why am i so angry) because ithought it was wrong for my ex to go on to have other children when he cant look after the 2 hes got with me...sorry..i went OT there Confused Just wanted to let you know i know how you feel, I have been there, but it sounds to be like he's a tad jealous because he cant give her the things that her dad gives her, I was going to say..maybe reasure your H that its love your DD needs not tons of prezzies off him, but I think from what you've said..its gone past that. xx

GKlimt · 19/04/2011 01:28

You know you are in an abusive relationship and need this awful man out of your and your daughters lives.

Do contact 'Womens Aid' via the domestic abuse webpage link on the header,above

for emotional support
practical advice incl financial

Original poster
ExeterisEasy · 19/04/2011 01:29

thanks everyone. i guess i struggle to figure out how a bloke can be so angry that a little girl of 8 has got a nice pile of modest prezzies for a birthday. I did honestly try to be reasonable and think maybe its because we as a "family" (Ha!) dont have much money so he feels a bit embarassed that he can't provide her with nice gifts but its not that. He chose to sit across from me telling me about how much he spent on his four kids (marriage before me) and how he had worked for it and how they deserved their 2k mini motorbikes (each) and 7k hols to florida but because im a sponging bitch my daughter could only have pity off extended family.

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LostInSockLand · 19/04/2011 01:43

I would be very worried about someone who could resent a young child so much. If he can make you feel so awful imagine the damage he could do to her emotionally over the years if you stay with him, and that wont ever go away.

Original poster
ExeterisEasy · 19/04/2011 01:49

i know. im such a fucking mess tonight. i know i HAVE to go but as i sit here looking around going oh thats my mirror my picture my vase its petrifying to think ive got to do all this AGAIN and start again with about four pounds in my bank account. On some level he is right, its been easier to stay.

OP posts:
Original poster
ExeterisEasy · 19/04/2011 01:51

im scared to death of being on my own again. of freaking out every time i hear the stairs creak or having to get the big fat spiders out of the bath myself. i know i KNOW its all so (yawn) anti feminist but you get used to these things. let alone how im meant to rent a place on my own with four quid. and i aint going in no bloody hostel. ive worked in family law for ten years, i know what these places are like!

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Original poster
ExeterisEasy · 19/04/2011 02:13

well good luck with this OP, the very best of, and do let us know what happens, any time you want to talk just PM me. all the best x

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Original poster
ExeterisEasy · 19/04/2011 02:14

oh i posted on the wrong thread! well ignore.

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LostInSockLand · 19/04/2011 02:16

Well i'm hardly an inspiring case for single parents the way my life is going at the moment but I can say one thing, for the 12 or so years i've been on my own it's been exhausting, frightening, stressful, lonely and downright miserable at times but I would never swap it back for the life I had with my ex. I still know I did the right thing for us at the time.

southofthethames · 19/04/2011 02:17

Exeter - this man is bad news. Your little girl is sweet and trusting, but she will adjust if you leave -after all, lots of happy families live with dad away for work and or in the military. You don't need a man in the house for the sake of it.

Also, I have seen stepfathers/step-partners (?? whatever the term is) turning against little girls when they get older and abusing them too, whether emotionally like he does to you or worse. For a man to be resentful of a small child's birthday gifts from other people (not as if he had to buy them all himself) is seriously wrong. You can do it on your own with one child. Go through all the benefits, allowances, etc you are entitled to. Change your job, see if you can get after school clubs at her school or the local community so that you can work longer hours to support you both. A different job if needs be. Even consider moving nearer family (if this is feasible) so that you might be able to leave her with a trusted relative for occasional childcare if you have to work late. Children reallly do need their extended family - esp grandparents for their affection, and cousins to play with, I'm assuming they get on very well with her. With that support network she will not miss your DP much. Would you consider or be able to move back with your parents temporarily till you are on your feet again? Don't go to a hostel. I bet your DD will enjoy staying with her grandparents. Your parents (whatever your relationship - good or not so good) are quite likely to be more than willing to step in to help their granddaughter avoid being in a hostel. Don't let your pride/embarrassment hold you back if they are willing to help.

A woman with one child (esp a daughter) can be self sufficient if organised. I know someone who does it; took a lot to leave her exH, but knew in the end it was the right thing to do. Don't take this abuse from him.

Original poster
ExeterisEasy · 19/04/2011 02:21

i am desperate to move back home. if i had the money i would leave and go back "oop north" tomorrow, no, yesterday. I wont ask my mum for help as my little sister has been a sponging pig for the last few years and my parents are both nearing 70 now - my elder sister is well off, through hard work from both of them but i couldn't bring myself to say, oy lend me 2grand so i can move away. The only person I could ask would be my ex husband, he has serious health issues so he cant travel to see his daughter very often, I think he would help but the issue is, and this sounds very juvenile, if i ask him then i cant change my mind :-/ how pathetic. as ive calmed down and become less angry im beginning to think to just let it slide and then i become angry with myself for thinking i should let it slide! what the hell to do. what the HELL

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southofthethames · 19/04/2011 02:27

BTW, if no-one from your family is able to put you up and your exH (DD's dad) is willing to lend you money for rent, take it and get work, put her in after school activities till 5 or 6....lots of after school clubs are fun and she has good company. And the confidence it will give you - plus the cash for you and DD - will be invaluable. Don't let your creepy DP undermine your confidence and self belief. He's not worth any more of your precious time. Don't sit at home alone like you're currently doing. Start searching for jobs and going for interviews now. You'll surprise yourself how well you can succeed if you just give yourself the chance to try. Just think - do you still want to be living like this in 10, 20 years' time? Spiders are nothing compared to the damage this man is inflicting on you.

Original poster
ExeterisEasy · 19/04/2011 02:33

:southott - i think that is what i needed to hear. thanks so much. and to all the others x
god give me the strength to carry this through tomorrow

OP posts:
southofthethames · 19/04/2011 02:35

What do you mean, you can't change your mind? .

Remember, you are not sponging off anyone. You are getting a loan so your little girl can have a better home life. You can and you will get a job that pays well enough for you to pay them back, even if it's only a little amount every month. Get a loan off 2 people if you must - then it's not a big burden on one individual. Both your exH and your parents have relationships with your daughter - remember, no matter what they think of what you are doing now, they want good things for your daughter. So if they can and they are willing, take the money - but make a monthly plan to pay them back. One thousand from each person is not a massive sum, and in the long run, you will be glad you did it.

No, don't let it slide - lots of other MNs have noticed how controlling and abusive this man's behaviour is. What sort of role model do you want your daughter growing up with? You're not being pathetic by leaving. But you could be setting her and yourself up for more trouble if you stay.

You know, lots of grandparents of children whose parents are divorced yearn to see more of their grandkids - ie your exH's parents. I don't know what your relationship with them was like when you divorced but I suspect they might even offer to lend you money to leave if they knew what sort of man their granddaughter had to live with.

LostInSockLand · 19/04/2011 02:42

I think sometimes exeter the thought of change is so frightening you find ways to justify someone's unreasonable behaviour in your mind. Now everyone has disagreements/rows but seems to me the kind of comments he makes to you are chipping away at your confidence bit by bit. You know this but because your confidence is low you try to convince yourself it's not so bad really...and on it goes. What he's saying is wrong, you can survive without him, you and your dd deserve much better treatment. Listen to sott re the resentment of your dd, it is very true, HUGE alarm bells. I'm sure as you say that she loves him...but that doesn't make him a great person.

Original poster
ExeterisEasy · 19/04/2011 02:45

i suppose i look at myself and think i cant be great to live with. im not particuarly slim and my hair needs doing and altho im alright to look at im not beautiful and he constantly points out women he likes, skinny oriental ladies, girls on bikes i.e. your too fat, its always your "fat ass" get me a beer, get your fat ass up and make me some food, you dont do anything im the working man (who comes home at ten past eleven after 4 pints - driving i might add). i sound like some pathetic 22 year old girl. he told me a couple of weeks ago that he was glad he had "paid" to be rid of the baby we chose as a couple not to have. we had been together maybe 2 years and all was safe contra wise but one got through :-) after much heartache (on my behalf) i chose to terminate the pg. its been in my head every day since (2005) he says he is glad he paid to "get rid" as he would never have a kid with me. he apologised next day for saying that as he was "drunk" (he wasn't). i dont regret the decision although it was a hard one but hearing that is like being stabbed through back with a pointed spear.

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LostInSockLand · 19/04/2011 03:02

"i suppose i look at myself and think i cant be great to live with. im not particuarly slim and my hair needs doing and altho im alright to look at im not beautiful"

Sorry for the copy and paste but i'm too lazy to retype it. Anyway, how many of us are stick thin with beautiful hair and perfect faces? I'll bet that 99% of the women on this site have something about their appearance they cant stand (and the rest are just jammy and I wont ever be their pal Grin)

There's nothing wrong with you, HE is making you feel this way. You need to see this. I dont mean to be awful, but what if you stay and he starts saying things like this to your daughter when she's a bit older...teenagers are so much more sensitive about their appearance than we are.

As for the rest...well I just dont have words for that.

malibustac · 19/04/2011 03:26

Exeter the more you type the more diabolical this man seems. He has chipped away at your confidence and is treating you like a door mat. As you have worked in family law I bet you have seen your type of case a thousand times. You know what he's doing is wrong. Is he ever physically abusive?

Regarding your daughter loving him, I was that stepdaughter and when I was about ten stepdad totally changed by physically, emotionally and mentally abusing me. Basically what he did to my mum he did to me. Please don't let that be your daughter. He sounds as if he is growing jealousy against her and it will end badly. Also think what your teaching dd about the way your treated in relationshops. Sorry to go on but you and dd deserve better and you have to go for the better life even if it isn't the easy option.

I think I speak for all on here that we want to listen, help and support you so you can get through this

LostInSockLand · 19/04/2011 03:51

Agree mali 100% with everything you've just said.

WMDinthekitchen · 19/04/2011 04:30

Please do not contemplate staying with this guy so that you have someone to get the spiders out of the bath! You say you do not want to be on your own but you sound exceedingly lonely within this relationship. The guy is an abuser. Contact WA and find out what possibilities there are for you and your daughter - housing, benefits etc. other organisations are Shelter and CAB. Staying will teach her that this is how relationships are and this is how women are treated. Get out for both your sakes and as soon as possible. Good luck.

belleshell · 19/04/2011 06:10

get through your little girls birthday with a smile on your face, then ring your exh, and get out. i left my ex last year not abusive, but controlling, i left the house with a portable tv and my bed. i bought kids beds and we are managing just fine,(well its bloody tough at times but i have never looked back) its like an adventure and a new start, new colour schemes, new nic naks, new chapter.....i too would be back up north in a flash, but my kids are older and ex refuses to let me take them, and the thought of taking them throu the courts is too much (as DS would choose to stay here with his friends, they are is life).

if your family are about they can help with the spiders!!!

GOOD LUCK , keep us posted

x