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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To try for another baby or not - who gets to decide? Me or DH?

42 replies

HubbaHubbaBubba · 17/04/2011 15:11

Quick post now but will catch up later, but would love your opinions on this conundrum; we have three beautiful, healthy children. I thought I wanted three, but now I have three I don't feel our family is quite complete. I would like to try for a fourth, although am aware of
a)my age -36 and probably closer to 38 when we would go for #4- and the increased likelihood of problems with pregnancy/baby,
b)impact on the environment (bigger car, bigger carbon footprint etc,
c) impact on individual time with family etc
d) financial implications and
e)possible need to move house eventually if another girl (have two girls and one boy, and three bedrooms

DH says no, he doesn't want a fourth (for the above reasons I believe).

Clearly there is no possible compromise, so ultimately one of us doesn't get to have it our way.

Who gets to decide? Why?

OP posts:
Original poster
HubbaHubbaBubba · 17/04/2011 15:12

Apologies for lack of closed brackets Blush

))) :o

OP posts:
MegBusset · 17/04/2011 15:17

I think it has to be the parent that doesn't want a child who gets the veto. It's just not fair to deliberately bring a child into the world unwanted by one of its parents, and your DH's objections are very reasonable. But it can't be an easy thing to come to terms with so I do sympathise.

nenevomito · 17/04/2011 15:18

Neither of you has the final word on this one, its something you need to agree between yourselves. Its not just about a baby, its about your relationship as well.

Here are some questions for you to consider when you talk to him.

Why don't you feel your family is complete with three and how do you think a 4th would make it better?

Are you willing to risk the resentment of your DH if you push it?

Does your DH feel under pressure already to support the family or are you working too?

Can your finances stand the strain of a new baby and all it entails?

Does your DH feel secure in his job?
Would he like to enjoy what he has now and is he worried about the extra pressure?

He also has a lot to think about too, but the only way to handle this is for both of you to discuss it openly and in detail.

nenevomito · 17/04/2011 15:20

*reading that back, I need to clarify that when I said "Does your DH feel under pressure already to support the family or are you working too? " I meant financially. I fully appreciate that 3 children is bloody hard work and it wasn't meant to suggest that you wern't contributing!

MegBusset · 17/04/2011 15:20

Look at this the other way. If DH wanted another and you didn't, would it be OK for him to have the final say? Of course not.

Original poster
HubbaHubbaBubba · 17/04/2011 15:37

Although they made me cry, they are all valid points both of you (don't worry babyheave I didn't take that the wrong way), although the physical aspects of being the woman mean I don't agree entirely with the role reversal scenario meg

The reasons I posted are my reasons. DH is a bury-your-head-in-the-sand type of a bloke when it comes to such emotive issues, so I can only assume they'd be his reasons too.

OP posts:
jojowest · 17/04/2011 16:00

never have a child with an unwilling or disinterested partner

BooyHoo · 17/04/2011 16:03

when it comes to bringing a human life into the world and being responsible for the physical and emotional welfare of that human then both of you need to be in complete agreement. if he doesn't want it then you can't possibly dictate that it happens without his agreement. you do not have a right to be a parent over his right to choose not to be.

MegBusset · 17/04/2011 16:08

How old is your youngest? It may be that in a year or two your DH will feel more open to having another, or indeed that you start getting your life back more and decide you don't want to go back to the baby stage again. Can you agree with DH to reassess in a year and see how you both feel then?

Original poster
HubbaHubbaBubba · 17/04/2011 16:21

He's only 11 weeks. It's not so much that I want to try now (clearly! I may be mad, but I'm not completely mad!). Partly I want to know whether it's a possibility so that I can start to get my head & things organised (other than the emotional thing I'll have to get over, it'd also impact on whether I went back to work, whether I pass on baby clothes etc etc). No decision needs to be made now, but if he's a definite no, and the consensus is that his decision gets to be the final one, then the earlier I know that, the better I suppose :(

OP posts:
ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 17/04/2011 16:23

Forgiveness is easier to get than permission? Grin

In all seriousness, it's a difficult one isn't it. If DH wants to say 'No, no more' then he needs to be able to tell you why & discuss it like an adult - just saying 'No' is not an option.

Original poster
HubbaHubbaBubba · 17/04/2011 16:28

I agree chippingin - getting him to talk is like getting blood out of a stone at the best of times, let alone when he's feeling the pressure!

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 17/04/2011 16:32

If your youngest dc is only 11 weeks then it's at least 12 months too soon to make any final decisions!

Can I float something though? You had two girls then ds - did you find out the sex before the birth? If not (or until the scan if you did find out) what did you think you were having? Tbh - I'm wondering if you expected another girl and part of hoe you feel now is disappointment at having a 'mix' and not three girls?

jojowest · 17/04/2011 16:34

i disagree

if he wants no more kids, thats his right, he doesnt have to give reasons why

if OP said she absolutely didnt want more and he was pressurising her to commit to have more, everyone would be saying he was well out of order, being controlling, abusive and whatnot

BikeRunSki · 17/04/2011 16:35

It is a joint decision surely?
And how woudl you do it without his "permission" anyway? Tricking him with fibs about contraception or similar will only lead to years of resentment, even if he adores your potential DC4. And work if doesn't.

I realise it is a little different, but DH was dead against a DC2, although with a bit of a chat, DC2 is now due in October. I think you need to discuss, but I think you need to give it a bit more time until your DS is older. At 11 weeks, DH may only be able to see sleepless nights and constant washing!

And 36 is not that old. I had DS (DC1) at 37, and DC2 is due 2 weeks before my 41st birthday.

hairylights · 17/04/2011 16:52

You either have to decide to agree to have a child as a couple or not do it.

ladyintheradiator · 17/04/2011 16:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TrillianAstra · 17/04/2011 17:07

I'd say it's not about who gets to decide, but what the decision is. You shouldn't have a child unless you both want one.

holyShmoley · 17/04/2011 17:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IntergalacticHussy · 17/04/2011 17:31

i can sympathise; i'm one of 4 and would like to try for dc3 in the next year or so, but i worry 3 won't be enough for me, (enough work, certainly, but not enough to feel our family is complete, as you say) but most likely will be more than enough for dh.

FAB5 · 17/04/2011 17:35

I chose to have dc1 and 3, dh chose number 2 and to not have any more.

You need to tell your dh he is being unfair not talking to you and all you want to do is get things straight in your own mind.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 17/04/2011 17:44

JoJoWest - what a lot of crap, of course he needs to tell her why not and feck off with your 'everyone here would say' - I bloody well would NOT.

11 weeks - Hubba - now is NOT the time to be discussing another baby - the man is still in shock from this one! Grin Just keep all of your baby stuff for now and leave it at least 8 months to think about this again! You little nutter you :) x

MegBusset · 17/04/2011 17:45

I think it is lunacy expecting him to commit to a decision when you have an 11wo! You don't even know how you (both) are going to cope with three. And you still have loads of postnatal hormones which may (in nicest possible way) be sending you a bit doolally Grin

Give it a few months. Enjoy your baby and get through the tough sleep-deprived bit. Then bring it up again if you still feel strongly.

Original poster
HubbaHubbaBubba · 17/04/2011 18:08

I'm not asking him to commit to a decision, nor am I planning on tricking him into it Shock. Am simply asking whether people think there is a clearcut answer as to how (possibly should have used how we reach a decision rather than who gets the ultimate say).

You're right again chipping - it's too early for anything definite, but I was a bit surprised when somebody visiting a few weeks back asked us if we were 'done' - I replied no while he replied yes Confused!

LOL at being a teensy bit doolally meg.

No northern - I imagine some mothers might think like that, but not me. if anything I would want another boy (to balance things out!)! Definitely not disappointed to have had a boy.

OP posts:
violethill · 17/04/2011 18:31

Deciding to bring a person into the world is probably the biggest decision that is ever made.

I don't think you should see it as a matter of 'who gets to decide', it's more about recognising that the status quo (ie 3 children) is what stands, and you both would have to be want another child to change things. You are implying that somehow if you stick at 3 children, then your DH is getting 'his' way and you aren't getting yours, but I really don't see it like that at all. You have 3 children at the moment, you have a healthy happy family, it's not like he's refusing to have children full stop.

I would focus on your family and not even think about this for the moment (especially as your youngest is only 3 months old!)

Then do some soul searching and be honest about the questions raised above. Do you really want four children, or are you wanting to prolong the baby phase, and avoid moving to the next phase of life? Genuine question, because people do have babies for all sorts of reasons, some less noble than others! How will you as a family cope with the financial pressure as it will mean a bigger house, car etc? Are you going to contribute financially to enable this to happen? What about the environmental aspects of a larger family?

At the end of the day, if your answers to the above are yes, you genuinely don't feel your family is complete, and yes, you will share the pressures with your DH, then I guess you have to hope he has a shift of opinion. But he may not. He may feel just as strongly that your family is complete with 3 kids, as you feel you want 4.