To try for another baby or not - who gets to decide? Me or DH?

[HubbaHubbaBubba]

Quick post now but will catch up later, but would love your opinions on this conundrum; we have three beautiful, healthy children. I thought I wanted three, but now I have three I don't feel our family is quite complete. I would like to try for a fourth, although am aware of
a)my age -36 and probably closer to 38 when we would go for #4- and the increased likelihood of problems with pregnancy/baby,
b)impact on the environment (bigger car, bigger carbon footprint etc,
c) impact on individual time with family etc
d) financial implications and
e)possible need to move house eventually if another girl (have two girls and one boy, and three bedrooms

DH says no, he doesn't want a fourth (for the above reasons I believe).

Clearly there is no possible compromise, so ultimately one of us doesn't get to have it our way.

Who gets to decide? Why?

Thanks for answering my impertinent question Hubba Glad that isn't the situation but thought it was worth mentioning just in case. Gender disappointment makes a lot of women feel very isolated and I didn't want that to be the case for you.

I think for now all you need to do is say to DH that you are pretty sure you want another baby, but know it's a decision you need to make together further down the line - so if anyone asks, the answer is 'We haven't decided yet'. If he says 'I have decided', tell him it's not his decision to make alone - and that for now it's a 'No decision has been made situation'... only a daft man would argue with a sleep deprived mother! :)

You're right violet that I shouldn't say 'his' way vs 'my' way (although we both did want children, so that was 'our' way. I oversimplified there.

There is an element of wanting to prolong the baby phase I suppose (maybe my DDs driving me up the wall helps me yearn again for when they were babies sometimes!! , but I also sit at the table with my DDs at the table and the baby next to me and love it, but can very happily envisage four little faces at the table, turning to four teenagers grunting at me. I was an au-pair for a family of four many moons ago, and there was always somebody to keep somebody company, lots of arguments and discussions and it was noisy and happy and everything a family should be IMHO.

northern it was worth bringing up as you say (and not impertinent! :)), it could affect many. It does make me wonder though whether, if I had had three DDs, I would feel the same? I wonder whether the thought then of a further child would either upset the balance if it were a boy, or add to the woes with four girls!! :o :o :o :o

My God what's happening to my closed brackets this evening??! If I can't even remember to close a bracketed phrase, how the hell would I be able to remember to ensure I have put four children in the car?! :o

In terms of impacting on the environment, it is a concern of mine (as in my OP), although we are as green as we can be - recycle everything, don't use a tumble dryer, DH cycles to work, we used to have a Prius but moved to a different car when #3 came along (although it is still fairly green), but now I see the Prius is bringing out a 7-seater next year! All we'd have to do is win the lottery to be able to buy a new car! :o. We don't fly anywhere, we use re-usable nappies, we 'buy' green wherever possible, we use freecycle, the children walk to nursery/pre-school and school from September etc etc etc and we hope to bring up our children in a similar vein...

People always say there is no compromise in this decision and I don't agree.

Compromise isn't finding a half way point between two arguments, it's figuring out something you can both live with, a decision you can both accept.

Ultimately neither of you should decide this on your own, without discussion.

So compromise might be something like him agreeing that you're not definitely stopping at 3 and leaving the possibility open that you will try for a fourth, but the issue being dropped for X amount of time.

Or it might be you accepting that he does feel your family is complete, for reasons that convince you, and you come around to his way of thinking.

It has to be YOUR (plural) way, and you have to find that way together. I have no idea how people organise their families around vetos and guillotines. This isn't about making laws, it's about making people. After having 3 children together happily, there must be a way forward that you can both feel you got a say in and feel happy about.

Well maybe it's semantics, because in my opinion a compromise is when you both give a little away (like his MIL coming to stay over bank holiday weekend, coinciding with DD1's birthday. I'm selfish and want her all to ourselves as a family of 5. DH wants her to be here for the whole time. Compromise is that she comes, but he asks her to offer to help around the house and with the kids, and that she leaves slightly earlier on the Monday so she's not hanging around while I'm trying to organise a party for 25 pre-schoolers!! But maybe that's a different issue altogether!!! :o :o)

Yes, we need to come to a joint decision where we're both happy, but it's a hard one because any decision will be a complete change in (current) opinion from one of us. In that way I don't see it as a compromise, rather a change of mind.

Well by that argument you're the one who's changed your opinion, so he wins.

You both said 3, you've got 3, now you're changing the terms.

So you're asking a lot more of him than he is of you.

No. I never said Let's have three then stop at three. I always, in my head, assumed I'd have three. We had one, we thought we wanted another. We had another. Then we thought we wanted another. We had another. Then I thought we wanted another. He didn't.

This isn't a competition as to who wins, although I can see how my OP might suggest I mean it like that.

I don't think I'm asking more of him than he is of me. I clearly see it's 'easier' for me not to have more children, than for him to have more children (with all the physical and financial implications that would entail), but that doesn't make the decision itself any easier for me.

I don't know what the answer is tbh.

When I met my DH 21 years ago he said more or less from the first date he wanted kids and to be settled down. I wanted neither at that point but we stayed together (very happily) and went on to have two boys. I feel like I want more two more boys children but DH has always said no.

His reasons are
1 his age
2 we have a very good life now - for a long time we struggled financialy so it is time to enjoy what we have with our boys
3The age gap
4 He stated right from the beginning that he only wanted two children and that was made clear. (which to be fair was two more than I thought I wanted!!)

It is too late for me now but although sometimes I get a bit sad I am very grateful for what I have.

Thanks upahill. I imagine I will be in the same boat as you in a few years' time in that I'll be very, very grateful for what I have, but a bit sad from time to time with what I don't have.

It is a hard decision. I asked Dh on the day we met if he wanted to get married and have children as I had been with someone else for over 2 years who never wanted to get married and I didn't want to be with someone who felt the same again. We never discussed how many children we wanted but both wanted a big family. We actually discussed for longer getting a hamster than we did about trying for a baby but we assumed it would take a long time. It didn't. After my first I said no more then dh mentioned having another. We had 2 and then had 3 sooner as we wanted four. We are now in a position where I have 3 children but DH has had the snip as it would be risking my life and that of my baby's to have another. I am happy that we have children, I am very sad that I lost 2 babies and will never get over that and will always feel like something is missing but tbh having another baby wouldn't change that.

It does help original but I'm so sorry you lost two babies along the way :(. It puts things into perspective in a sense, and makes me very happy with my lot. Think it might be tempting fate to try again.

I am glad if it has helped. You don't have to make the decision today though so enjoy your new baby and older children and see where life takes you. We planned to have 4 children, life intervened though.

You can be as green as you like in your lifestyle, but it's all pretty small fry when compared to bringing another carbon guzzling life into the world (even the 'greenest' life is carbon guzzling), who will then go on to have carbon guzzling children of their own and so on and so on. If the impact on the environment is a concern for you and your DH then I'm afraid the answer is simple . . .

This forum is littered with broken relationships - you have, by the sounds, a good marriage and healthy children - why would you want to rock that boat with some sort of power game? Probably you are feeling a sense of loss with your baby now when you think this is the last time it will happen which is pushing you to these thoughts. Time to chill, live in the moment, enjoy the moment. If you mutually decide later that's great but no more thinking in terms of final say - please - your relationship needs to be a team, not a boss/subordinate interaction to get through what will be many more challenges over the years.