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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

my ex told me he is dating a woman he really really likes

39 replies

hurt65 · 16/04/2011 19:30

my ex told me he is dating a woman he really really like .but want us to remain freinds . he is still very much in contact with me as he give me a lift to and from work and also shopping as i dont drive .he told me if they are going to start a relationship with this woman then he will no longer help me .the woman lives in a different city .but me and my ex lives in the same town. he will have his ist date with this woman tomorrow and he hopes they will get well alright . i am not sure what he wants me to do ..why he is telling me all these ? IS HE REALLY FRIENDLY OR WHAT .he also told me if i go dating i will take my time ist .i am really hurt when he said he will start dating .he even showed me the photo of this woman . he told me he still love and cared for me but NOT IN LOVE WITH ME anymore .what will i do ? pls guys i need your thoughts about my situation and what will i do ???

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FabbyChic · 16/04/2011 19:36

He has told you because things are going to change.

He has said that if he starts a relationship he cannot do anything for you anymore.

Unfortunately you cannot make someone love you, if they no longer love you you have to let them go, and get on with your own life as best you can.

Do you have friends you could maybe talk to to help you get over him? talking does help.

lubeybooby · 16/04/2011 19:40

He is your ex, so this is the way things go unfortunately, You will have to budget the cost of a taxi home with your chopping, or internet delivery into your costs, and other such adjustments.

It might not happen this time, it's before even their first date so who knows, but you must stop being dependent on him for getting around etc. I don't drive and manage fine by myself with no help.

lubeybooby · 16/04/2011 19:41

shopping not chopping sorry!

WMDinthekitchen · 16/04/2011 19:42

Dear Hurt, this is a very difficult situation for you to deal with. Your ex is indicating that he is 'moving on' but you are not yet doing so. You need to come to terms with being independent - convincing yourself that you can cope. Shopping is difficult if you don't drive but possible - is there anyone who you could go with & share petrol? Or, get yourself a rucksack with wheels. Begin to tackle the practical things and you will by degrees begin to cope with getting over the break-up. There is no magic solution and it takes time. It isn't easy as many of us can testify. Hope you have some time to yourself, some good friends and interests outside home. Take care!

hurt65 · 16/04/2011 19:50

i must admit i still love him . it is painful .but i do listen to guys . i just want to talk to people that will tell me the truth even its painful but not judgemental . he told me he will ring me whats the outcome of his date tom ,but then its been 2 days now i didnt text or communicate with him . what will i say when he say yes they are now going to start a relationship ? whtas hte best reply ????

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HerHissyness · 16/04/2011 20:11

Has he actually MET her yet? your post seems to suggest that he's still to go on his 1st date with her... what a tool, talk about jumping the gun. He'llcall you WRT to the outcome of the DATE? Why on earth would he do that? Why on earth would it be your business.

THIS though is your wake up call, STOP relying on him, start learning to drive, and TELL HIM you don't need HIM any more.

If you need to take taxi's back from the supermarket, and your transport costs go up as a result of his withdrawal of help, then ask him for compensation to cover it. Put it toward driving lessons for example.

It'll give you so much power, so much self esteem and pride.

Try it, I promise it'll do wonders for you!

hurt65 · 16/04/2011 20:23

its going to be ist date .

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TheyKnowEsperanto · 16/04/2011 20:52

So sounds like he's doing a bit of internet dating or met some woman on a chat forum (hence having a photo already before he's met her). And before he's even met her he's told you how much he likes her and he'll phone you to update you how the first date went. So you're left distraught, knowing when he's going on the date, waiting by the phone etc......

Well fuck that for a game of soldiers as my mother (who rarely swears) would say!

You really do need to find your independence and assert it loud and clear so that he knows that you have no NEED for him either practically or emotionally.

Practically - check out car pool/lift sharing websites (links below) and see if there is someone who might want some petrol money and some eco brownie points for a lift to work, or ask around at work and see if you can come to some arrangement where you can be en route for a colleague to pick you up and share petrol with.

www.freewheelers.co.uk/
carshare.liftshare.com/default.asp
www.rideshare.co.uk/?gclid=CLb-ltHjoagCFcoa4Qod1mc2HQ

(do follow regular safety advice and be safe!)

Shopping - can you do your shopping weekly online so you only need to buy fresh fruit and veg and the less heavy stuff as and when you need it?

That way any money you can save on not getting taxis you can plough into learning how to drive yourself if you want to.

Emotionally - He's playing a game. Don't engage. Sort out your practical stuff above ASAP, write down his number on a piece of paper and put it somewhere you cannot access easily (one of those piggybanks you have to smash to get into? just in case you do need it in future - I am assuming you don't have DCs so I am not sure what kind of emergency that would be but definitely NOT the itchy text finger had too much wine it's 11 pm I need to speak to him kind of emergency!) and then DELETE it from your phone.

What's the best reply to when he calls to tell you he may or may not be starting a relationship? The best reply is no reply. Just don't answer. If you need to, make it into a game for yourself (a test of willpower game, not the mindfuck game that he has set up for you) and see how many times he will ring/text/leave a voicemail with no response from you.

This bit tells you everything: "he also told me if i go dating i will take my time ist" - so now he gets to tell you how you run your lovelife. None of his beeswax. Ironically, I agree with him only in the sense that it sounds like your self-esteem/self-confidence is at a low ebb and that is not a good time to be dating, mainly because it makes you vulnerable to getting into a relationship with someone who will exploit that. You need to work on feeling good about yourself before you head onto the dating scene - but that time will come. But still, not his place to be telling you what you should and shouldn't be doing.

So how about having a think about things you want to do in your life? New job? Train for a new career? Fun classes (exercise/photography/creative writing - just new things that you will meet new people at and have new experiences). Are there things you used to do/people you used to see that you have let slide while you were with him? Can you pick up on these again and reconnect with old friends. The only question should be whether doing something or seeing someone is making you feel good about yourself, and if it is not, move on to trying something else new. Also quite a few adult education colleges do courses on assertiveness/self-esteem so it might be worth seeing if you would want to do something like that. Basically, make a plan for YOUR future and get excited! You have so much to look forward to, one of which may be a new relationship when you are ready - all the time you are wasting thinking about him could be spent on getting on with your new life, keep posting to keep your will-power strong and update on how you're tackling things - people are v helpful on here (and many more knowledgeable people than me will be along shortly!) xxx

hurt65 · 16/04/2011 21:17

TheyKnowEsperanto with all my heart i thank you for the above .all this time i have let my independence under his control . when we are together i couldnt buy things that i want not until he approves it .although i earn 2x than him .he suffers from depression ,and been off sick fromwork when we are together ,the depression is work related so he said ,then when we broke up as he throw us out with my children (not his) ,the council helped me with rehousing .then he later lost his job and he is on job seeking allowance . he keeps in contact with me and my children ,as friends . then he ask me if i can be his reference in seeking job .now i belive he is happy that he is stress free of work ans anyway he is in benifits.i even write him as apology letter ,just to make him feel better to help him with his depression . so he now blames me for our relationship thats has not work because its my fault .this week he just told me out of the blue that he will adte this woman tom . he told me what to wear in dating not to attrack men on my breast .all that .he said its a friendly advice .i ask him if he tells this woman that he is on benifits ,he told me he will tell her when they get on fine.I really thank you for the above numbers ,yes i can do this ,i am an intellegent woman ,have qualifications to be proud off .yes i can do this .yes I CAN .I have copied the above numbers .with sincere aprreciation.

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hurt65 · 16/04/2011 21:57

the best reply is no reply. shall i tell him i have no need of him anymore .or shall i not reply at all ?

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ValiumBandwitch · 16/04/2011 22:04

It sounds like he wants your blessing. He wants to scoot off out of your marriage at top speed and date somebody else with your blessing!! Well, you don't have to cut the legs off his suits and distribute his wine to the neighbours, but you don't have to pat him on the back, buy him condoms and tell him you're happy for him either.

If I were you, I'd say that you're shocked and hurt by the speed he's moved on. But don't say too much more. You don't want him to feel 'ofgs' but at the same time, why should he skip off with your blessing!!

As for him telling you what to wear on a date! jesus. what a knob. If and when you're ready to go out dating you want to meet somebody who is just so right for you that he won't notice if you're in jeans or a skirt.

TheyKnowEsperanto · 16/04/2011 22:23

Oh dear hurt65 he is watching his meal ticket disappear off into the sunset. Do you feel stronger recently? I feel like this 'first date' shit might have appeared because he sensed a shift in you, you've been rehoused (you haven't had to return to him, tail between your legs asking to be let back in), you've still got your job (that he's been freeloading off, just think of all the money you will be saving!), he obviously still thinks about your attractive breasts and is worried other men will be too (and as complimentary as that might seem, it isn't, he is asserting ownership rights over YOUR body and telling you that he is!). He is really a Grade A nasty piece of work.

None of this is remotely friendly.

So now he thinks he'll up the ante by telling you you're going to be replaced. Spend a passing moment pitying the woman he meets and return to thinking about you. And your DC? How are they coping with the upheaval of moving house? Are they still in the same schools? My sister speaks of living in a lighter atmosphere when it became her and just her DCs (she was forced out of family home by DV DH) and how every day seemed so much easier, even though she was working two jobs to eat. It was tough but she's more than turned it around and is in the final term of her degree. Her DH on the other hand is a bloated mess. And she's had to make herself so hard not to take pity on him but she knows she can't, mostly for her DC's sake.

How old are your DC? Do they view him as a father? Was he a good father-figure to them? I just wonder whether you OR your DCs really need to be in contact with him but that would depend on his relationship with them.

TheyKnowEsperanto · 16/04/2011 22:28

You don't need to tell him anything. Unless your DCs view him as their father then do you need to be in contact about anything? If not, your silence will say it all.

HerHissyness · 16/04/2011 22:33

TheyknowEsperanto said everything I was warming up to saying... had to speak to my old Slave Owner though first.... GAH! Thank GOD he's thousands of miles away.

hurt65, this guy has dominated you, oppressed you, manipulated you, abused you, abandoned you and is now rubbing your face in it.

Can you get hold of a book called Why Does He Do That? it'll show you who you were with, and it'll show you that you were not to blame.

Let's take ONE point out of your post and examine it, so you can start to see the ludicrousness of the way he makes you live.

You earned 2x as much as him, but he had to approve what you bought? Erm, HELLOOO??!! WHY? What gave him that right?

He threw you and your DC out, but keeps in touch as 'friends'. NEWSFLASH: Friends don't do that. the second he did that to you is the last time you have a single thing to do with him. If you have no children with him, you have no need for him at all.

OK that was TWO points, but I couldn't resist.

He is only 'helping' you as a way of keeping you under his control, keeping tabs on you and clipping your wings.

PLEASE, get yourself sorted with the transport issues and start ditching this dreadful little man from your life. This guy is taking up valuable space in your life, space that could be filled by a nice man, a good man, one that WILL care for you and your DC, that will want to see you grow to better, not see what he can take from you and how he can manipulate and control you. You don't need him. HE NEEDS YOU TO DOMINATE, but thankfully he is trying to find another victim, soon you will be free of him. I GUARANTEE life without him can only be better than the hell he is inflicting on you at the moment.

Let your eyes open, allow yourself to see how other people live. It's NOT like this.

HerHissyness · 16/04/2011 22:35

I'd also be heading out first thing tomorrow to by myself a push up bra and a nice tight top if I were you!! Grin

How DARE he?

hurt65 · 16/04/2011 22:57

thanks so much guys ,this is an eye opener . i have seen this all but the power of him have blinded me . i come from a different nationality ,but when we meet i got my citizenship already ,so i am rpoud i didnt used him as he thought i did .each time we agrue he runs th his mum and brother,sister and told them about it, now they bitterly hate me .he hit me ones last time i called the police and the following day he give me a card and flowers and promises . yes i earn a lot better than him and i am in a good profession ,i have a degree to be proud of . yes ,the last itme we talk is he said ,dont wear that top when you go dating ,it will keep the mens eyes away from your face ,you are a very attractive woman ,i bit men are all over you . then he said dont put in your profile NURSE ,just put career .now he blames me for pushing him away ,he said because ,all he does is for me and my children and were not in gratitude . who can we live with him when everything is under control? the children cant stand off the table unless he finishes , they can only be in the computer till 21,30 . the children stays in one room ,mixed sex . everythigngot to be his own way and if he is not follwed he punishes the childrenby no computers or telly .he shouts at us and say anything hurtful .how will i let my children live in that kind of environment ? he is good when he is but really scary when angry . but he told his family i left him when the time he really needs me . so they hate me without knowing who he really was .

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hurt65 · 16/04/2011 23:10

by the way to answer you question ,my childrenare teenagers ,19 who is college and got a job ,16 in school and 14 (girl). no they dont see him as father figure ..but a lift provider .yes were coping alright with our lovely home . the children are happier and well secure . the transport problem is the main thing that still the way he contacts me ,now i am proud to tell you ive registered my self to share cars ,lift share and free wheelers.thanks guys .

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HerHissyness · 16/04/2011 23:22

Oh my GOD, thank GOD you are away from him. No wonder your children are happier!

Ditch this creep and don't ever look back. wear what you want. do what you want, honestly, you can't FAIL to be happier than when you were with him.

Change your number. Cut this dreadful man off totally. you owe him NOTHING. If you keep him near you, he will only try to destroy any growth you do achieve.

TheyKnowEsperanto · 16/04/2011 23:29

Well the good news is that you never have to see his family again! And the good news is that your DCs will no longer be subject to his bullying and control! And the good news is that you have a lovely home! Yep, he's definitely watching you escape and trying to think of any way to reel you back in.

Can you speak to your DCs about not using him as a lift provider any more? I do understand that to most teenagers any adult with a driving licence and car are legitimate 'lift prey'/free chauffeur service but can you explain to them that you feel that you are all having a much better time without him and you want to keep it that way?

hurt65 · 16/04/2011 23:32

hey guys ,a while ago when i post my issue i was in tears ,now i am happy i see reality .yes that true ,he doent want be to achieved anything ,as he saw i manage away from him , got things i wanted .now i believe he turns to another tactic to put me down again ...telling me he will date and will have relationship to this woman he really really likes and will tell me how they get on tom. you think i am right ?

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TheyKnowEsperanto · 16/04/2011 23:45

Yep, I think you're right. But even though it's a tactic, you're still not interested enough to reply/answer his calls. Your question to him about when he would be telling his 'new girlfriend' about being on benefits did make me laugh.

But I think no more replies - just don't give him the satisfaction.

No contact.

Tell DCs no more lifts (can your 19 year old afford to learn if they are working and living at home with you? Do you live near good bus routes/transport links?).

Do not answer his calls.

He is not worth your time or your consideration.

hurt65 · 16/04/2011 23:55

yes ,my 19 doing well ( my son got even a job than him ) . the other two has a lift next door whos son goes with the same school as they do . my problem is i works shifts ,but thanks i got the idea to a shared lift and on line shopping ,i never thought about that before ,thanks to YOU. by the way ...he is no good in bed ,he cant stay pumping ,as he is FAT .and he cant cum ...with a a hand job .i wonder what like of abnormality he got ??? thats why he got no children . as he cant come inside a woman .anyone knew what sexual abnormality is that ????

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hurt65 · 16/04/2011 23:57

i mean he cant cum WITHOUT A HAND JOB .

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hurt65 · 17/04/2011 07:21

hi ,what am i going to do today while my ex goes dating ? why he has got to tell me the day,the exact day . does he thinks i will text him pleading or go to his place to stop him ? i dont know .but i need to do something today .he really probably think ,if the date wont turn out well he has got someone RESERVED. no he wont have . i am gone for good .thanks to you guys .any suggestions of what i am going to do ?

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