Raging Mother grabbed steering wheel of my car on motorway, nearly killed us.... feeling a bit blue

[hopefull55]

Hi. Dont really know who to talk to in real life becuase what do you say. long journey home from difficult visit with relatives, my ds age 1 in back. he is crying alot, cant settle, usual long car journey thing (for us anyway, we dont drive much and were in a small hire car). mum, who is very difficult, cant really explain how difficult other than saying years of tantrums, physical fights with strangers, car related rage as a passenger or driver, she has no friends, always ruins relationships, always argues to the point of police involvement with neighbours, very difficult towards me especially since i got married and had a baby, very controlling, also very loving and lots of emotional blackmail etc etc.

the reason i was driving is becuase i wont get in a car with her that she is driving after years of being terrorised by reckless driving when she 'loses it' on the motorway. granny (her mum) is dying whcih is why it was necessary for us to make the long journey together. thought she would be able to put my son's needs above hers and be calm in the car. this is why i took the decision to drive with her in the car - and it is unpredictable, she is not always like this. i had refused to go in her car which she was angry about, thus the hire car.
anyway - She was getting more stressed with the crying on the motorway so i suggested i pull over to soothe him or give him some milk and asked if she thought it was safe on the hard shoulder as the motorway was curving and i wouldnt choose to stop there. she completely flipped out, screaming about the crying and that he had to shut up but i had to get her home and if i tried to stop she would grap the wheel -i was saying mum please, he's a baby, put him first, calm down, your frightening me and him - so i gues i was slowing down maybe 65- 70, but it was all happening really quickly -i had been doing 80 and i was in middle lane - and then she grabbed the wheel, and the car went across the lanes, i dont know which way, all i know is i had to right the car and it nearly swerved into either the central reservation or the hard lane side, i dont know which, but it went all over the road.
its not an exaggeration to say that she reallky did nearly kill us - if a car had been over or undertaking us, if i hadnt righted the car in time, i just feel sick everytime i think of it and as im typing my hands are sweaty and im shaking.

i just dont really know where to go next with this.

ill carry on and say what happened - i managed to get the car onto the hard shoulder, jump out of my side of the car, grab the keys and my handbag, run round the side and tell her to stay away from me while i got my son out, who was hysterical, my poor poor child. i just wanted to protect him from this kind of thing, i feel terrible i exposed him to it. i told her to keep back, as i thought she was going to attack me. i offered her the car and said we would hitch, but the upshot was i left her on the side of the motor way and called the police to let them know she was there and i was worried for her safety. she got a bus, i dont know how to a train station and got home from there. it was 9pm by this point, so i did feel bad leaving her but i couldnt possibly have her back in the car after what she had done, i had to think of my son.

im sitting here on saturday morning before my son wakes up- where do i go from here, do i cut her out of my life completely, i cant cope with this kind of thing, i dont want it any more, im an adult, i dont need it, etc etc. she traumatised me all my childhood with rages and then huge amounts of love and affection and i just want a stable life for me and my family. but then i dont have much family and she is there for me. and i do love her, very strong bond - im estranged from my father, brother brain damaged following motorbike accident, extended family not close, granny dying. i do have friends but since the baby i dont socialise as much, whcih i miss.

any wise words would be really really welcome. i just feel so lost.

OP, I'm no psychiatrist but I have had some exposure to people with mental health issues. Your descriptions of your mother's behaviour - not just in the car but over the long term - makes me think there's a lot more going on with her than depression.

There's a very good book called "Stop Walking on Eggshells" by Randi Kreger. It's actually written for people who have some kind of relationship with someone suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder but I think the general information and techniques in that book for dealing with someone who has serious problems could well be very useful for you.

That being said, she's had her entire lifetime to do something positive about the way she behaves and the way she mistreats those around her. If all her GP is suggesting is a fiddling of anti-depressant medication then that suggests she has been less than honest in telling her GP what's really going on.

For your own mental and physical health, and that of your child, I think you do need to seriously consider dramatically reducing your contact with your mother. It must have been absolutely terrifying. You have every right to consider this as horrendous and utterly unacceptable behaviour on her part. Don't let her tell you that you over-reacted or that your feelings on this are wrong.

You poor love.

Agree with everything that's been said re the police. I think you need to put your side accross.

What I find odd is that, were this my family, my mother, even if stressed by baby crying, in fact, because of baby crying, would have clambered over the seat to the back where she could have soothed/distracted the baby. Your mum demanding the stop the crying whilst driving at speed on the motorway speaks volumes. She's too ill for you to touch the sides, she needs much more help than you can give.

Write to the gp and then stay well back.

I have a friend who was in the pub having breakfast with out gang before leaving to join his wife and kids for a day at his mothers. Just as he was putting his coat on, the police arrived to tell him they were all dead, wiped out on the motorway by a man who, it turns out, had severe mental health issues that he never followed up. His life is ruined. Don't ever go in a car with her again, please.

If a friend did this would you be in two minds about what to do? I don't think you would. You expect more from family not less.

Fast forward 30 years, would you do this to your son if he was driving you and his child?. No? Why? Because you value his life and would never harm him.

Your mother does not see it this way. Her "wants" and it is a want not a need come before other peoples safety.

Personally I would never ever get in a car with her again. If she can get off a motorway and catch a bus and a train home she is not as mad as you suspect. People with MH cannot deal with the complexities of normal life, and I mean serious MH illness, not perfectly normal people blighted with MH that they fight and manage to live with whilst holding down jobs and families.

You have more responsibility for your child than your parents. They are adults and can make their own choices about what is acceptable behaviour, your baby is not able to defend himself he only has you and your DH to protect him. How would you feel if you were visiting a baby in hospital because you had a crash? Does it have to come to that before you act?.

Your mother was most likely the same when you were a baby which is why you have tolerated her behaviour and not told her to fuck off, I would be interested to hear what your DH makes of his wife and childs lives being endangered.

I haven't seen my parents for 5 years and I don't miss them. I don't need the grief and they didn't do anything as dangerous as your mum.

I agree that your mother needs professional help.

I also agree you need to report to the police because you may have committed an offence by (understandably) leaving her on the motorway. If she reports it I bet her version doesn't tally with yours!

Take care & much sympathy

How bloody scary for you :( x

I would make an appointment with HER GP first thing on Monday morning. She needs help - serious help.

I know if it was my Mum there's no way I'd involve the police, I just couldn't, nor could I abandon her by cutting her out of our life - she needs help, not disowning.

It goes without saying that I wouldn't leave a child alone with her and I would try mostly to see her without the child/children if possible, until she's a bit more stable.

I really hope you can get her some help, quickly.

I'm certainly no expert but can you not get sectioned for this kind of behaviour ie when you are either a danger to yourself or others?

Police would seem entirely relevant as would your mother's GP - your own GP will be unable to act.

I can understand that it's an exceptionally tough decision but it will be for your mother's own good and, more importantly, for the safety of your child.

I wish you well.

This woman would never hear from me again.

Stupid, murderous bitch.

I'd be disowning the mad cow before something terrible happens.

never never stop on a motorway unless it is an absolute emergency. You should have pulled off at the next turning to soothe the baby

child was probably hysterical because you were

what happened to the hire car? did you just leave it there? how did you get home?

Well as a minimum Never ever take your Mum in your car ever again. And obviously never leave your son with her alone. In fact never ever get in a car with her no matter who is driving. And tell all your family to do the same. She sounds like she needs sectioning.

You need to break free of your Mother's control over you. She needs professional help.

I also work in mental health, and am usually a bit when people on here bandy around armchair personality disorder diagnoses for any old selfish, twattish behaviour.

However, in your mother's case it genuinely does sound as though she may meet criteria for BPD. She would need a dx from a consultant psychiartist though, it's not something the GP can do.

Whether this would actually get you anywhere anyway depends on where you are in the uk, a dx would enable her to access services and be entitled to certain benefits, but this is not available everywhere unfortunately.

You might like to have a look at this website, it's a support forum for family members of people with PD.

outofthefog.net/

Sorry you had such a scary time, please remember to be kind to yourself.x

I'm a mental health professional and agree it sounds more like 'behaviour', relating to a personality disorder. She sounds like she has an inability to regulate her behaviour and her reaction to your baby was completely over the top, unnaceptable and dangerous.

Expect her to not feel able to have much control at these times (as you've experienced) so for you and your childs sake I would strongly suggest you do not give her the benefit of the doubt and put yourself in a potentially vulnerable situation again.

For what I am about to say now, all GP's please close your ears! In my experience people often get misdiagnosed. G.P.'s and Consultants can still have trouble accepting diagnosis criteria for the many personality disorders in the ICD 10. I have come across many patients who have been diagnosed as Bi Polar (think Kerry Katona) because personality issues are complex, it seems easier to make them fit a criteria that DR's feel they can treat, i.e. Bi-Polar. They take emotional disregulation as actual highs and lows, instead of the disregulation that they are.

I see lots of judgements banded around about mental illness. It's much more complex than the media would have you believe!

Your mum does need help, but help to regulate and control her emotions and the dangerous behaviour that comes as a result of that.

Stay safe.

nicole your comments are really interesting my ex-mil (now deceased) was finally diagnosed as schizophrenic but had a type where she was perfectly capable of controlling her behaviour but had the utter belief that she had the right to do and say whatever she wanted she was a very scary woman to have to put with.

This is awful, I'm so sorry. I would tell her that you don't want anything to do with her until she has sorted herself out with medication and is 'well'. I wouldn't waste your breath with discussing with her why you were so scared. She doesn't deserve your attention. This woman needs to learn a lesson

If she can never be a good mother to you, then cut her out totally.

I think the reason the OP was contemplating stopping on the hard shoulder was simply because she feared if she didn't stop immediately her mother would do something like grab the wheel. I don't think it's fair to criticise the OP for trying her best in a dreadful situation.

When I was half way through the OP I was planning to post "you should have left her by the side of the road" and so gave a cheer when I heard that's what happened.

Second the suggestions of a) telling the police and b) never seeing her again.

I hope you are feeling better today, your mother needs anti-psychotics she is having psychotic episodes and this needs to be addressed.

Write to her tell her that she endangered the life of your child and you cannot ever forgive her for that, and you hope that she takes it upon herself to get the medical help she clearly needs.

If anything she should have been sat in the back with the child so she could soothe him.

Your case of parking on the hard shoulder was an emergency in your situation.

Don't beat yourself up over this, your mother is clearly unhinged.

I think you need space away from her, never take her in a car again with you is the best advice I can give.

But you do need to put in writing to her the seriousness of what she done.

You all could have been killed.

What a truly awful situation OP - and thank God you are all safe.

It may be that the MH practitioners who are involved with her are trying to get her sectioned: it is quite hard to get someone sectioned but the general criteria is that they are a danger to themselves and/or other people. What she did was a danger to you all - in fact, everyone on the m'way that day - and it could be what they are looking for to section her. I would definitely report it to her GP or get some advice about how you can report it independently.

You know now that not her car/hire car is still not good enough: you can never travel with her in a car again. If you continue to see her - and I think you want to and it could be manageable - you will have to think of safety at all times eg have an eye out for the best way out, stay between her and the door (I don't mean car but building). If you go to see granny, she travels by train and you meet her there (she has proved she can travel by train). You can be matter-of-fact about this. Obviously, she is never to be alone with dc, and I would think twice about whether she sees dc at all - only you can know what would be appropriate.

Lastly, have you had any therapy about your mother/childhood? I would suggest it would be a good step to take - painful, but helpful. You may well be in for the long haul with therapy - join the club! - but it is well worth it. I am still in touch with my poisonous family (being outside was too painful) but I heavily regulate when and how I see them.

I hope you're feeling calmer now. That was a terrifying experience, thank God you are all safe xx

Yes, you should only stop on the hard shoulder in an emergency, but the as far as I can tell the OP was quite reasonably considering it because it was an emergency - she was in a car with someone who was about to lose it. If she had pulled over to soothe DS, dangerous as that would have been, it would have been less dangerous than what actually happened. So it was a very tough call in a stressful situation.

Loads of good advice OP and I think you already sound quite good at dealing with her - your refusal to be driven by her etc. - that means you can be assertive and not stand for her bad behaviour, and you can keep that up by taking steps now.

If it was me, I would urge her to get help and make seeing her conditional on that. It might seem harsh, but you can point out it's simply that she's dangerous and needs to sort it out, and you will not endanger yourself or your child by seeing her unless she's under a professional's care.

I also agree you need to tell the police. What she did seriously endangered other people's lives as well, and other people may already have reported it. You need to let them know what happened and why.

You sound like a great mum.

So sorry for you OP.

Just wanted to echo what others have said really - you do not need her in your life. She is not just toxic - she is prepared to put all of your lives at risk.

You have every right to never see her again. Whatever you do never allow yourself or your DC to be in a car with her again (sure I don't need to say that tho).

I would definitely tell the police, if only to make them aware of what happened should something come up on cctv. Not sure if you said she drives, but they need to be aware of her mental state and then they can take steps to make sure she isn't able to put anyone else at risk in the future.

Just remember that you are safe now, and that you don't ever have to be in that position again.

Thanks so much for the replies again. I do love her, would love to share good news, love her when she's being nice, but its very, very hard.
I think i just need to take my time. The stutter I've had since this incident hasnt gone away yet - which is a bit shit. hoping it will soon.
anyway, all the best, and ill check the recommended threads and links

moomoofarm - i just read that - thank you. i still dont feel fully safe, its brought back alot of childhood stuff but hopefully ill feel better in a few days. thanks again x

Oh you poor bloody thing and your poor baby (and actually your poor mother, she must be in a very bad way mentally to do something so deranged). I echo what others have said about the police - you need to make sure she gets properly assessed and the police will treat your complaint sensitively but you need to do it quickly before the CCTV is lost from the motorway. You are not helping her by shielding her from this. Nor yourself. The stutter is probably from the trauma - and yes it will go but perhaps not till you deal with this properly.

I hope in time the horror of this fades a bit. Your son will not remember it when he grows up though.

and ive just read this thread through again and read all the replies properly, and i am so touched that anyone took the time to be supportive and say nice things - sorry very unarticulate, im still a bit wobbly. i am really grateful, and i do feel better for posting here. just for the record here, i did call the police after the incident on the way back to tell them she was on the side of the motorway and i was worried for her safety. they found her and established she was safe, apparently the highways agency spoke to her as she was getting on this bus - so its all documented what happened. They never said i could press charges or that they were going to arrest her and closed the call when i told them that as she was on a bus, i would also go home, as i was waiting at a service station in case they wanted to speak to me. we then drove home very slowly and ds slept and gurgled and babbled and i think he was relived she had left the car as well! anyway. i wrote to her gp about what happened, and hopefully he will take steps from there. once again, all the best and thanks, i am really grateful x

Dollydaydream, Op was dealing with an emergency. How is your post relevant to a situation where the poor woman was nearly taken off the road by a mad passenger? She was absolutely right not to continue. Her mother might have done the same thing again, with results too horrible to think of.

You poor thing. No wonder he was crying with her bad vibes. Take great care.