Other Halfs Debt - what did your other spend the money on?

[dontdillydally]

My DH has never been great with money infact he admits how rubbish he is with mangement of it.

Over the years he has been overdrawn, credit card debt etc... but nothing to show for it.

Have sorted out our finances time and time again over the years. It appears it every couple of years something raises it head.

Last year found out he took out a loan to fund a stag do abroad, then another to pay off his overdraft over a 2 year period - the overdraft is still there.

He insists that he doesnt know where it goes - he doesnt go out, he goes to the pupb twice a week for an hour, plays golf, swears blidn he doesnt gamble etc...

Its destroyed out relationship as we now have a 2 year loan we are paying off

Dp was crap with money as well, when we lived together he would willingly get his wages paid into my account so we would not be destitute halfway through the month!
He just spent it on small crap tbh but it all added up as he did it all the time, quick stop at kfc, expensive magazine, car accessories, just that kind of thing, not thinking that there was 2 kids at home that need clothed, fed and maybe their own comics and sweeties!
Totally through not thinking, nothing excessive on its own.

Isnt golf quite expensive?
Would he be willing for you to take the reins with the money and give him money when he needs it?

i keep a spreadsheet with every single outgoing on it

I list the direct debits and they come out a separate account

then you can see at the end of the month where all the spare cash is going

get the statements and a couple of highlighter pens for 'needed' and 'unnecessary' and get him to go through his spending. Might open his eyes a bit. Also see if you agree with him!

Get him to open a separate account with 'fun money' in it, no overdraft, and when it's spent it' spent? Or give him a cash allowance (but that one is you taking charge not him taking responsibility for himself :( )

good luck.

remember that credit card debt etc is expensive in itself so is all is money going on that?

I take charge all the time. Im the most approachable person on earth but still he finds it hard to tell me....he knows Im the sensible one and that I sort it all out.

The only thing I can think of is that its something bad thats why he doesnt tell me when he gets into money trouble however he says that he doesnt tell me because he knows I'll go mad and that he wants to try and sort it himself

Golf is by month membership £50 so goes straight out. He has 2 other direct debits thats all each week one to me and one to ex - thats all

what concerns me is the loans - taking loans out to pay off the overdraft - but the overdraft is till there....makes me wonder that the money was used for something else.

We agreed for him to every week take petrol money and some to tied him over for the week and leave his bank card in the cupboard - he will have to suffer this for 2 years Ive told him

Noticed last week his card hasnt been in teh cupboard for last 2 weeks

Am waiting for bank statement to come through, tomorrow Im going to the bank and going to get a mini statement to see state of play if I see anything untoward "it will really hit the fan" big time

cant you organise online banking and check it every day
thats what i do, not because i dont trust my husband, but just to keep a handle on whats in there and whats going out

I think you should take charge of all the finances, not just put his card in the cupboard but in your bag where he cannot get it.

The money must be going somewhere, he must have something to show for it, or he must be gambling.

YOU should not be helping him to pay off any of his debts, not when you are not benefiting from what he is spending the money on.

You are enabling him by allowing him any control over his money at all, you cannot trust him when it comes to money.

Sureley the interest on the loan is much higher than it is for the overdraft ?
Why is he still enjoying golf when you are in this mess ? Or the pub ? Both those things are treats and unnecaessary .

I ended up taking charge of our finances , negotiating lower repayments ect while ex sat on his arse because he was too " scared " to deal with them . We had debt collecters ringing regular and they werent nice to deal with , one even turned up on our doorstep once and again i had to deal with it while ex simpered like a naughty child .

No sooner had i got on top of it he would go and apply for another loan or run up another credit card bill , always unable to say where the money had gone " im just crap with money " ect . I ended up having to get a second job while ex sat at home relaxing ordering pizzas and still enjoying treats . It was always us that made sacrifices , not him .

In some ways its not really about money , i think its about a sense of entitlement ( which usually shows itself in other areas too ) . They are not willing to live within their means , and they dont apear to get stressed about the situation because your handling it all .

Sounds awful op but youd probably be better off financially on your own with tax credits and maintenance .

Meant to add , its unlikeley that anything will show on bank statements , mine was the master at transferring cash from one account to another . He had a range of differant accounts and credit cards , i doubt a forensic accountant would have been able to keep track .

I wish i had realised that a man who is willing to lie about finances will lie about other things too , traits such as being entitled , selfish , and telling lies are not usually limited to one area of the relationship .

FABBY - I handle it because I want it cleared and our joint finances straight then I can if it comes to it go it alone. Also how can I leave it to him to sort out - he's the one who got into the mess in the first place. He woudl do as DIGGS' OH and just hide away and hope it would go away. Yes after tomorrow when I check the state of play of the account Im taking the card and hiding it...well Im goign to do it anyway.

DIGGS - golf is still under a membership that he took out ages ago so Ive told him when it runs out not to re-new it. That's this month so lets see what he does

Ive given him ample time to tell me where his money goes, IVe even said I wont be mad just need to know so I can sort it and all I get is "I dont know"

Ive just got to get certain things out of the way this year then who knows what will happen.

I really, really hate him for destroying what we had and potentiall making me a single mum as I really cant see us being together in the future

I could not tolerate this kind of stuff from a partner and I completely understand why you would end your relationship with him over it

Diggs is right it isnt just about the money but the selfish devious behaviour that lies behind it imo

"I dont know " is his answer to whats happened ? What is he 6 years old ?

By the way I have been a single Mum this past year or so and I tell you what I love it , dont believe all the negativity people attach to it

How is the rest of your relationship op ? Does this attitude spread into other areas ? Do you have the same amount of free time , is he doing his bit with the house and the kids ? Does he activeley engage in other behaviours that you dont like , or is just this financial stuff ?

my ex spent his, and mine, on dope, crack cocaine and prostitutes.

Nice......

and then wondered why I didnt fancy spending my redundancy pay on supporting his sorry arse when he walked out of the umpteenth job 'because that Fing BH didnt respect me' (never could work for a WOMAN!!) when I was pregnant.

Tosser

Ive painted a bad picture of him but he really is a great dad, definately pulls his weight around the house, dont have to ask him to hoover, wash, polish etc... works really hard, he is quiet perfect in those areas. Just other things he does well spoils it all

Last year he did several things that really was quite disrespectful I think anyway - booked to go on the stag do abroad and a friend told me not him ... I dont have a problem with it so why he didnt tell me I dont know. Then organised a golf society day and again didnt tell me found out from confirmation letter than came through it was a day I worked and I think it was sch hols anyway I ended up taking a days holiday. Just things like this that really get my back up as they really selfish...our 10 year wedd ann was none eventful even though I'd gone ott with stuff as the week before he asked if there was anything I wanted as it was a "special one". I got a bottle of wine and a bunch of flowers from M&S - ok nice but same as most years so not "that special" - this was just before I confronted him on all the debt so must of been strapped

Oh dear....I just feel very sad and quite lonely about all of this havent told anyone in RL as again they all think he's Mr Wonderful!

My xp has huge credit card debts and has been in debt ever since I met him 15 years ago. He has nothing to show for it. He drives a '53 plate car and he didn't even pay for that. I would estimate his debts at £30k-£50k. He only ever pays the minimum amount on his credit card bills and is always overdrawn. Like other posters have mentioned, he has a huge sense of entitlement which extends to every area of his life. When he sees a credit card statement (rarely) he honestly believes that the "amount available to spend" is his money and he certainly doesn't view it as a debt. It's a very irresponsible attitude which I predict will draw him closer and closer to the bankruptcy courts.

Being free from him and his financial abuse is wonderful. He earns about 3 times as much as me but I am infinitely better off without him in so many ways.

When he sees a credit card statement (rarely) he honestly believes that the "amount available to spend" is his money

My ex was a proffesional and earned well , yet we ( well me and the dcs ) lived on a pittance , i was actually better off on benefits on my own . Funnily enough when we divorced the first thing he did was sort his debts out , perhaps it wasnt so much fun running it up when he had to shoulder the responsibility of them himself.

why oh why do they do it.

My biggest bug bear is the fact that we sorry HE doesnt have anything to show for it...ok he went on a stag do abroad, he's bought a new golf club (He hasnt told me this I found the receipt, see cant even admit to that).

there is a friend we know whos Mr big, got it been there done it all, my dh said he must be so much in debt everything he's got he got on credit but I said yes BUT he has things to show for it ie. £250,000 house, fairly new car, work van all signed up, holiday abroad this year....he may be in debt but you can see where the money has gone

DIGGS - your other post that said do you think he wants out. No I'd think he could do worse like going out, coming home late etc... to force the situation so no.

I just think that he has always been bad with money, lying has become a way of life ... its the norm.

I just want nice things for us and our DS, a nice house (not talking moving just getting our house we have nicely decorated etc...) a nice holiday once a year, to go out for meals when we feel like it, a weekend away - but all these things have gone now as we dont have spare money

My husband overspend by £200 once years ago when we were engaged and wanted me to help him so we went out and got a joint account I have control over and tell him what he can spend and when. He asks if he wants anything or if he can take a tenner out etc. All money goes in there and I can monitor it on internet banking.

He rings me if he wants to use the card or take anything out the bank or he asks me in the morning before he leaves. It means we never get bank charged and I think its a lot easier having 1 person in complete control of finances. We have been like this for years and I doubt we will ever change.

Noodles, I'm glad it works for you but you are taking all the responsibility/control. Don't you resent that? And what if you were incapacitated for any length of time? I used to think that if I was in a coma for 6 months I would wake up homeless and penniless.

From what you describe it sounds like an 'I dont see why I should be bothered attitude to money'. Your DH drives so is this stupid wasteful things like speeding fines and parking tickets? Points on his licence may be a clue to this (points dont mean prizes in this case).

No I love it tbh! He takes control in other areas I dont like doing (boring things!) I am probably a bit of a control freak though lol.

I havent really thought about the coma thing (hope it wont happen!). If it does I doubt my husband would live at home anyway he would move in with my parents and the same would happen vice versa. It only suits you if one of you enjoys being in control and the other is more of a person that likes to be led iyswim? Doesnt suit everyone but we have never once argued about money since doing this and we were only 19 when we started doing it.

Also elsie my husband would never do anything like buy anything behind my back or get a loan out. We only started doing this when we had known each other a couple of months and he was upset he got a few bank charges in one month.

He wouldnt even spend a fiver now without asking me first so it sounds like a different situation to your xp.

My ex spent it on drink, simples. When he was working abroad he used to regularly take out all of the money leaving me at home with our DD with £20 to live on. Tosser. Why did I put up with it for so long?

DH and I are completely open about money - we have a budget, discuss any purchases (even just a 'I'm going to get a *, is that OK?). We still wrangle about priorities but the security is incredible. No-one is really 'crap with money'. It's not genetic - if you have to keep a tight rein on your finances or go hungry, then you can. They aren't selfish little children, they just behave like they are if they are allowed to get away with it.