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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Other Halfs Debt - what did your other spend the money on?

42 replies

dontdillydally · 15/04/2011 10:07

My DH has never been great with money infact he admits how rubbish he is with mangement of it.

Over the years he has been overdrawn, credit card debt etc... but nothing to show for it.

Have sorted out our finances time and time again over the years. It appears it every couple of years something raises it head.

Last year found out he took out a loan to fund a stag do abroad, then another to pay off his overdraft over a 2 year period - the overdraft is still there.

He insists that he doesnt know where it goes - he doesnt go out, he goes to the pupb twice a week for an hour, plays golf, swears blidn he doesnt gamble etc...

Its destroyed out relationship as we now have a 2 year loan we are paying off

OP posts:

oldwomaninashoe · 15/04/2011 16:24

DDD, my ex was a student when we married,and I worked and studied in the evenings , he insisted on a joint account, "because he didn't like to keep on asking me for money", this I lived to regret!

To be honest I would tell him he has to change his ways or you will walk. It sounds to me as if he has other accounts and credit cards that you know nothing about.

If he can be serious about paying off debts he should give up the golf and get a weekend job!

thereturnofElsieTanner · 15/04/2011 16:28

Perhaps it's a lot to with upbringing? If your family used credit, loans, catalogues or borrowed big sums of cash then you will deem all that as acceptable. Which is fine until it gets out of control then it's difficult to rein in.
Noodle, your DH isn't crap with money. He just chooses not to deal with it. And if you are happy with that and he's clearly not reckless, then it works. I agree that my XP and the OP's DH are different in that they are reckless and devious regards to money. Unfortunately, my XP was reckless and devious in other areas too. However, my XP was, and still is, very generous with his "available funds" and pays over the odds for our ds so it's not all bad. Horses for courses.

Original poster

dontdillydally · 15/04/2011 16:32

But I do have control over finanances ie all bills, dd are set up on my account.

All he has is dd setup to pay an amount to me and his ex each week.

Its his left over cash that he spends, spends, spends

also never say never noodle

OP posts:

thereturnofElsieTanner · 15/04/2011 16:40

DDD, I've been there. It stinks. I ran all the bills, direct debits etc. XP wouldn't know even to the nearest £100 what the mortgage was or even the Council Tax. He had £600-£1k left to spend on himself every month. I never even got a bunch of flowers . I would guess much of it went on socialising, and I use that term very loosely . The credit card companies loved him too. His idea of a solution was to find a 0% credit card. Sorted. Er yes, but you still have a 5 figure debt to pay, XP .

noodle69 · 15/04/2011 16:56

I am saying he doesnt have cash left over or a bank card. He comes to me for cash and then everyone is happy. He doesnt know internet banking codes, have a card, have a pin number etc. He has no idea who the mortgage company is with or even how to set up a DD or pay a bill lol. Its a different situation to yours because both of us like it this way but its a good suggestion to him I would say.

noodle69 · 15/04/2011 17:02

All my husbands wages go in to one bank which is a joint account and then I completely control it and he asks for what he needs/wants as he needs it and I say yes or no. I would just ask him and if he wants to try it that would help yoru situation.

jester68 · 15/04/2011 19:27

My partner worked up debt before we got together mostly on a car, credit cards etc.

Since we have lived together neither of us has credit cards, nothing on finance etc. We basically only pay in cash. We always pay all the bills first plus shopping, what our 2 girls need etc then what is left is ours. We usually save half (or try to!)

spidookly · 15/04/2011 19:47

Basically he's stealing from you and your children.

That's what it is to lie to your spouse and take out secret loans.

Sever your financial ties. That means divorce.

You can't leave your children vulnerable to a man who will ruin their family financially.

lololizzy · 15/04/2011 19:52

my fiance got into debt with his ex wife and will probably have to go bankrupt. It went on living expenses, too many loans and credit cards eg having a John Lewis card and doing all their food shopping in Waitrose as had use of credit (i think i'm right there...JL and W are one and the same?), holidays and ridiculous things like garden furniture that both of them left behind when they split up.
Now he lives day to day.
However i do not give him money nor would i (he has never asked) and if he borrows he always pays me back.
It all happened years before we met but he is set to go bankrupt this year. I don't like it but it was all in his past and i can't legally be held responsible for any debts.

lololizzy · 15/04/2011 19:53

and i would NEVER ever have a joint account! Not because i don't trust him ( i do) but just because i like to be in control and have my own independant money

Original poster

dontdillydally · 19/04/2011 13:42

thanks for advice...he has taken his bank card back now in his wallet Ive noticed after promising me to leave it in the cupboard.

We are away this weekend when we come back Im going to sit down with him because Ive also asked him to go get a bank mini statement from cash point so we can see how much his OD has gone down by - that was 2 weeks ago.

Im afraid that if things havent changed I dont know what I'll do....its so very unfair, Im a good person and just want whats best for us and our family.

He says I moan alot but its over all stuff like this that HE'S created

OP posts:

oldwomaninashoe · 19/04/2011 13:54

DDD if he still maintains that he doesn't know where the money has gone insist that he writes down in a notebook everything he spends, if you can keep control of the bank accounts you might be able to track his spending.
He really needs a wake up call!

Original poster

dontdillydally · 19/04/2011 14:07

yes I know - but he says he really doesnt have an answer where it goes.

I will wait till the weekend is out the way dont want to spoil it for DS.

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 19/04/2011 15:47

If he cannot be trusted with a bank account then get his salary paid into a joint account that only you have access to, then give him spending money, if he has no cards or no access to money he cannot spend it.

He cannot be trusted.

I hope you and your children do not go without.

He can pay the overdraft off out of what he has left to himself. Not what is the household expenditure.

Original poster

dontdillydally · 20/04/2011 10:05

ok last night found an unopened bank statement, most of it was going to pub gettign cash back and the local shop - within two days going to the pub for a drink cost £50 - he only had one drink each day then £20 cash back same the following day - asked what the £20 x 2 went on and again "dont know"

He gave me his bank card and we have agreed that I will give him moeny each week - how pathetic is that for a grown man!

OP posts:

spidookly · 20/04/2011 14:17

I think the constant stealing and lying is a bigger deal than "pathetic for a grown man"

Original poster

dontdillydally · 20/04/2011 16:53

i agree!

OP posts:

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