Does your husband work away from home? Come join my thread!

[chumble]

DH and I are considering doing this in a couple of months time. We are faced with the dilemma of relocating everyone (one preschooler and one primary schooler) and me or me staying home as main carer while he works away most of week.

DH and I have been round and round in circles discussing it and I still cannot get over the challenges of relocating me and 2 DC. They have good friends and lovely school/nursery and all is well here. I have spent a lot of time and energy with this and have been a SAHM too.

Still unsure whether we should relocate and deal with the upheaval in the short term for the longer term of us being together OR whether we should try to see how the working away from home scenario works.

Wanted to here some experiences of others as so far everyone I talk to irl tells me to move.

Help!!!

Well my DH has been working away in the Middle East since Nov last yr. He came home for Xmas & New Year and returns every 3 wks for a min. of 3 days, usually its 5 days over a weekend. We alternate by going out there, i.e. at Feb half term, next week, for Easter. I work a 4-day week and took parental leave for the first 3 months, to got a Nanny in place for my return to work, which is now 3 days a week.

How far away is your DH? Is it a permanent role or does it have a time limit? In our case it is permanent and after getting confirmation of school places we will be moving in Aug in time for the new school year out there. We plan to stay for a year or two, returning in the Summer holidays

Being apart initially wasn't as bad as i feared, I've quite enjoyed the first few months, it was a novelty not having DH underfoot. Now that i'm back at work its harder, and I'm tiring of being apart and am looking forward to getting through the next few months until we are all back together.

The children have good friends, a good school only 5 min walk away and we are all settled. But we feel it will be a good experience for them to move, that kids are much more adaptable that you realise, and that I am also looking forward to the challenge. If it were only a 1 yr contract or something like that I probably wouldn't go through the upheaval but in this case it makes sense to move.

We relocated a while ago with three children because dh was away from Monday to Friday. We have a strong marriage and our relationship was ok while he was away, but we found it very hard. After a while we found that it took a while to get used to each other when he'd get home on Friday, by Saturday we'd be back to normal and then Sunday we'd be dreading him having to leave.

I found that I got used to doing everything my way and then we dh was around I'd feel a bit resentful - sometimes I'd think he's just popping by to bring me his washing, which is unfair to dh really as he was working his socks off. Dh felt like nowhere was home and that he was living out of a case all the time. When he was away during the week he stayed in one of those apartments that you can hire by the night, which he found much better than a hotel. Even so he hated spending nights there, so would either work late or try to find someone to go for a pint with. He put on a lot of weight as did I (comfort eating).

The dc's hated it and felt distant from dh, after a while they got used to it, but that was worse really.

Yes relocating has it's difficulties, but we are together - a year down the line the dc's are all settled, in fact it took a few weeks. I've made friends and it's been fun finding out about a new area together.

If his job is long-term, relocating is probably best. At the children's ages, making new friends comes pretty easy.

I've moved quite a few times with my dh and it's no picnic starting over socially in new places, but doing the week away type commute was the nail in the coffin for b-i-l's marriage. She was resentful thinking he was free and having fun in the evenings while she was doing the hard slog and tied at home. He was miserable in hotel rooms and missed family life. According to him she was a nightmare to come home to, because she was so resentful he'd been away, she'd relax and be happy on the saturday, and on the sunday she'd be angry again that he was going.

It can work for some people, of course.

chumble - we are just doing this. dh is moving in 2 weeks, and the kids and i will stay put until the end of the summer term. then we are all relocating. that said, we do not have the option to stay, as the current house is tied to his (old) job, so that makes our decision a bit easier.

we have always relocated with him though - the kids have (so far) had no issues settling into new schools. this will hopefully be our last move though.

have had to take them out of brilliant schools/ nurseries before. it's always been absolutely fine. dd2 has cp as well, which makes finding new doc/ therapists etc another burden (in fact, it is losing brilliant therapists that's the hardest part for us )

i'm not looking forward to living on my own my two months, but i know we've made a decision to move anyway, so it's a short term issue.

the decision you make now doesn't have to be permanent. if you stay whre you are and then change your mind after a month, it isn't the end of the world. stay flexible and see how it pans out.

My X worked on projects (6-8 weeks away) for a couple of years. It was hard in the beginning but we got used to it and he had time off between the assignments. But I was really like a single mum running the household and working FT so it was pretty exhausting. We had other issues and in the end X met someone else and left, not entirely because of the distance, but I wouldn;t recommend it as a long term solution based on our experience. The fact is that you can get too used to being a part.

Chumble you might try the 'Forces sweethearts' area for more opinions from people who have lived separately.

We have moved and we have lived apart, weekly commuting, and there would be no question for me in your circumstances - I would just go with DH, presuming it would be a permanent move.

We have moved several times when the DCs were small. I found it a breeze to move my preschoolers and easy to move the DCs when they were younger primarys. Mum and Dad are the focus of their lives at that age and I 'sold' the moves to mine as an adventure (new room, new house, nearer Granny, new great swimming pool/ice rink/horse riding etc) and they have gone along with it.

I acknowledged their sadness at leaving their friends (which is the only real difficulty IMHO) and explained that it is normal to feel like that, that it's Ok to cry about it (and they saw me do the same) and explained just how they could stay in touch (one of our moves was international so almost all of our friends we left behind we'll never see again ) with their friends. And once moved help them to do so, it all helps them with the move.

Good friends and schools can be found in the new location, you'll just have to do some more homework to find them and throw yourself into it when you get there, it will probably help all of you settle.

There is a thread here about living apart which may make interesting reading for you.

Good luck, whatever you choose to do.

Sorry here but it's more about DHs who get home late. There will still be parallels for you if you decide to live apart though.

My husband works away Mon to Fri and back on weekends, I wouldn't say it was ideal, but it works fine for us, I have my own career and so am busy in the week with that and the children, weekends are for family time. It is difficult, you do get used (too used) to them being away in the week and it can feel like an intrusion once they get back, on the other hand, it's quite romantic to have a nice weekend together and there is not the feeling of mundanity (if that's a word!) that you get if you are stacking the dishwasher together. I am not worried about the children's relationship with their dad as he's back for the school holidays (or parts of them) and is very hands on when he is here, plus they were looked after by him a lot in the past, so they have that enduring sense that he's a full-on parent. It is hard on them, though and we had a few behavioural issues when he first went away, before it was obvious that he was coming back very regularly.

In our case, it's not worth relocating for a temporary job, so we will reconsider later down the line. I do know the one couple who have lived apart for over ten years but are very solid family oriented people, I guess it either works for you or it doens't, but I don't mind being on my own part of the time anyway, for others this may be a form of torture.

And perhaps one reason I don't mind too much is that my husband has always worked late hours, so in some ways it's easier to just not be together for the week rather than constantly nagging about when he is coming back and him getting in very late and wanting me to stay up when I just want to go to bed. Then weekends are really dedicated family time, I'm not sure it's much different than if you have a husband in the City really.

Dh is working away for a year, back from Sunday afternoon till Monday morning. We really don't spend much time together, and he doesn't see enough of the DC, and as I work full time I don't get any 'me' time - hate that phrase but basically I'm either at work or with the DC (aged 3 and 4).

On the other hand, it's quite nice being independent, and being able to hog the laptop, choose what to watch on TV, and cook whatever I want for tea (is there a bit of a 'what I want' theme coming through there? ) Plus I have had to learn things like how to unblock the sink and check the oil in the car

There is no way we could do this long term, and stay together, though.

Hi, I/we've done both over the past twenty plus years. Family in it's entirety relocated three times with children (move one: the children were 13 months and 4 weeks, move two: they were five and four years, move three: they were 11, 10 and 4 years.) As we were dairy farm tenants (moving to larger farms each time) the moves also included cows, young-stock, machinery and lots of other stuff!

TBH the logistical challenges were dealt with by good research, thorough planning and a lot of lists! We've been fortunate with schools and friends wherever we lived.

In every case the 'upheaval' was minimal, very short term and moving was the right thing for everybody.

Just over 12 months ago we stopped farming on our own account and after a few months DH accepted a job in North Cornwall... I'd been offered a place at a University in the Midlands (close to where we were then living) and wanted very much to take up the offer. The children are all young adults now (youngest is 18 and the only one still living at home).

So... DH moved to Cornwall, me and DS stayed in the Midlands and I travel to DH every other weekend for three or four days dependent on my timetable and approximately half of any holidays I get. It's much harder for DH than for me and I feel incredibly selfish and guilty a lot of the time as I know he struggles with the day to day domestic stuff; him not having done much of that in the past and with him always working incredibly long hours.

The greatest danger for us (and I think would be for you too) is that we are growing apart - simply because we are no longer involved in the day to day stuff that made us a 'couple'.

My DH works away Mon-Fri. We found it was better than him spending 4 hours a day commuting. We didn't want to all relocate because DD1 was in the middle of GCSEs and by the time she had finished them DD2 was starting. They were at a fantastic school and we felt it better not to disrupt them. When DD2 has finished sixth form and goes to uni, I will move to be with Dh.

TBH we do find it hard, we all miss each other very much. I have been a single parent for the past 5 years during the week.

Sometimes I do wish we had just taken the plunge and moved, but the DDs have done fantastically at school, so I suppose the sacrifice has been worth it.

If your DHs job is permenant, I would have no hesitation in saying move because your children are so young.

DP has worked away, coming home fri evening - sun aft, for just over 2 years. We did consider all moving, but GCSE's and upper schooling too difficult to interrupt.

Over the last 2 years I have worked full time, had a 4th DS, a years mat leave, and am now back at work full time again. I work shifts and always work over the weekend as it helps with childcare - DP looking after them. So, we don't see a great deal of each other.

It has it's good points as others have said, tele to yourself, bed to yourself, can do things as you want when you want, etc etc. However, I have really had enough now, DP is military, has signed off and will be coming home soon. TBH it can't come soon enough.

As quicklookbusy says I would not hesitate to move if your DH's job is permanent.

Thanks for replies.

DH job will be permanent ( as permanent as jobs are these days!)

I guess the problem I have is that the kids and I are so settled here and it is a nice place to live. It seems from the replies that the suggestion is to move and that the children will adjust ok. By staying put I guess I am worried what the relationship will be like with my DH in the long term.

Hi Chumble, I know it is a bit late on in the year to post this, but I hope things have become clearer for you. My advice would be to definitely try out the job first so you know if it will be permanent and the kind of thing your man would want to keep for as long as poss. Don't worry about the longer term future of your marriage - just think about it in manageable chunks - month to month or something. (Yes people drift apart when not together and sharing the kids / domestic stuff, but they also do that when living under one roof too!) Make time for Skype / phone calls / nights out when he is back, and resign yourself to feeling sometimes knackered and lonely for the interim while you try it out. If it looks like the job will work, then perhaps think about moving. I've done the above twice now - once before kids and once with kids. The first time I just moved and followed him and it was the worst thing for us and our marriage. This second time I have said I'm not moving, based on my prior experience, until he is totally sure the job is for him and there will be the chance of a lifestyle that is at least the same quality as the one I have here (we live in a rural idyll..!!!) I think if you can have a very honest conversation with him and share expectations and if you can trust that each other will not stray, then it is not doing the unthinkable to let him move away and you stay put and be a stable, unchanging base for the kids. I have no doubt that they will adapt, but my personal feeling is at what cost to them / me / their education? For me it was about deciding between what was personally important to me as as a stay at home mum, and something that gives us money....and that did it for me. I wish you the best of luck...not easy times. X