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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Complicated and confusing situation, please help a newbie

27 replies

dollydoops · 14/04/2011 00:04

Hi all
ok, here is my situation. I have been in a relationship with another woman for 6 years. She is much older (nearly twice my age) and we are from very different backgrounds- I am the very lucky and slightly spoilt only child of a middle class family from a 'nice'area, she had a horrible upbringing involving physical and sexual abuse and left home at 14. Basically in many ways we are like chalk and cheese.
Despite all this, we do have a very strong connection and I feel very protective of her. However, we have had a tempestuous time. We argue a lot and have split up twice. Sometimes our arguments have become physical, although I have to say that without trying to be self-justifying, I have only ever pushed or held her by the arm, whereas she has hit me before, tried to drag me downstairs etc. This physical stuff has not happened though for a good year or so.
The main problem we argue about, though, is that I have not told my parents we are together. I think they have an inkling as I talk about spending tone with her etc but they do not actually know and she finds this hurtful, which I can understand totally. The reasons for not telling then are
many. My mum suffers from depression and anxiety; she is a catholic; my parents have always expected perfection from me. I also feel that my not telling them is linked to all the difficulties we have had- maybe that I feel we will not stay together and therefore it's not worth the trauma that telling my parents would cause. My partner maintains that this is the main cause of our arguments though and that if I told them, we would stop arguing.
Sorry this is so long. My question is, should I tell my parents? Or should tge fact that I haven't told them already be a sign that this isn't for me?

OP posts:

Bit0fFunnyBunny · 14/04/2011 00:10

I think you need to separate out being honest with your parents about your sexuality, and tackling what sounds like a pretty dysfunctional relationship.

Is there any way you could separate from your partner for a while and seek some individual counselling?

MilkandWine · 14/04/2011 00:17

Hi Dollydroops

I would say that the choice of whether or not to tell your family is one that only you and you alone can make. It is not for your partner (or us for that matter) to tell you what you should do.

But your feelings aside it comes across loud and clear in your post that being kept a secret from your family is a huge issue for your partner and clearly one that is severely damaging your relationship. I would also say that the DV in your relationship is a big warning sign that something has gone badly wrong.

Does your partner understand your reasons for not wanting to tell your parents at this point? I suspect that she feels afraid that the fact you haven't told them indicates you don't really care about her. But that is not a good enough reason to try and force you to do something you are highly uncomfortable with. Although your partner is much older than you it sounds as if her past experiences have left her very insecure and afraid. However this does not give her the right to force you to do something you are uncomfortable with.

Original poster

dollydoops · 14/04/2011 00:17

Sorry, I should add that I don't see myself as gay- never been in relationships with women before and if partner and I were to split up, I can completely see myself settling down with a man. This is another reason for not telling parents. Conversely, however, it also causes arguments as my partner has issues with the idea I'm bisexual, thinking it means I want to go off with a man or cheat on her with a man, or that 'i must miss men' ( meaning sexually). This has never crossed my
mind- as for cheating, i'm just one of those people who never ever would cheat, but she doesn't see that.

OP posts:

perfumedlife · 14/04/2011 00:20

Six years is a long time to deny the love of your life to your family. She is justified in getting angry.

on the other hand, you say maybe because you're not sure if it will last. Well, it's unlikely to last if you continie to fight like this. If you deal with the first problem, perhaps the second will take care of itself.

Do you think this relationship is the one, or could be, if all the tensions were dealt with?

Original poster

dollydoops · 14/04/2011 00:24

perfumedlife I think that is the problem- I'm not sure that this is the one. At the moment I don't think I can separate the relationship from the issues, so seeing what it would be like if all the issues were sorted out is pretty hard!

OP posts:

MilkandWine · 14/04/2011 00:25

Perfumed life makes a valid point, i would be utterly beside myself if after 6 years my partner hadn't introduced me to my family.

It seems as if you are very uncomfortable to label yourself as gay or bisexual. That is your choice but I can imagine it is terrifying for your girlfriend. She is clearly deeply insecure that you will want to be with men again at some point in the future. Can you see this happening yourself? You seem very confused as to what it is you actually want. Do you WANT to stay with your partner and try and work through your issues or can you see yourself apart from her at some point in the future?.

Bit0fFunnyBunny · 14/04/2011 00:34

I don't think it is going go be possible for you to work any of this out while you remain in this context of violence and distress. I would strongly advise you to get away and try to work out the rest of it by yourself. Women's Aid can help.

Diggs · 14/04/2011 00:34

Would your mum be accepting of this , do you live with your partner ?

Im going to go against the grain here and say if your not comfortable telling your parents , or because it will distress them , then dont . Shes seeing you , not your parents .

Original poster

dollydoops · 14/04/2011 00:34

milkandwine I agree with you- In mitigation, she has met my family several times, just not as my partner!
In terms of what I want- I do want to try and work things out, but we have been fighting for so long now (and sone terrible things have been said ) that l really don't know any more. For example, in the middle of a fight during which I was saying 'calm down- you look mad'(which I know was wrong) she replied (screamed) 'mad? I'm not mad, I'm not the one with madness in my fucking family!' bearing in mind my mum has been in pdychiatric units and I found her after a suicide attempt at the age of 16, this was pretty harsh

OP posts:

Diggs · 14/04/2011 00:35

ouch .

Original poster

dollydoops · 14/04/2011 00:38

diggs that is another issue, we don't 'officially' live together, so I have a rented place, but I rarely stay there as I am always at her house. However this means that I am wasting a lot of money.

OP posts:

SkinittingFluffyBunnyBonnets · 14/04/2011 00:46

It sounds awful. You won't say you re gay, but you have o-habitted with this woman and had a relationship with her for years...you won't introduce her t your family and you can't see youself with her.

I think you should let her go.

Diggs · 14/04/2011 01:04

Is she just for now , do you think Dolly ?

Ive been in a similar situation myself with someone , and in hindsight i think i knew deep down that they were Just For Now . It didnt mean i didnt think a lot of him , but i didnt really want to incorporate him into my family .

Original poster

dollydoops · 14/04/2011 01:15

Oh dear, I don't know to be honest . I thought we really had a chance at first but I feel confused about where we go from here.

OP posts:

Bit0fFunnyBunny · 14/04/2011 01:21

Seriously, where there is domestic violence, you cannot stay. That's just the bottom line.

Original poster

dollydoops · 14/04/2011 01:38

The actual physical violence has stopped but when we argue there is a lot if verbal abuse. She gets very angry and swears a lot but also says things like 'you've never made me happy', says she hates me, hates the relationship and compares me to people in her past who abused her. As for me, I cry and scream a lot, get very angry and frustrated and slam doors, have also been known to hit myself in anger. I so much want her to be happy and can see that me not telling parents is causing a lot of these problems but at the same time I'm not sure I feel secure enough in the relationship to do so.

OP posts:

Diggs · 14/04/2011 01:47

The past violence sounds pretty awful Dolly . In my experience even if someone stops the violence they often adopt other abusive strategys to control their partner . From the little youve said it sounds as though she is emotionally abusive to you , is this correct ?

You might find it helpfull to make a list , a real list , one made of facts , so you can see clearly . I did this recently and it was a bit of an eye opener .

Ie , She has hit you
Accuses you of cheating
Pressurises you into telling your parents / screams at you
Betrays your trust by bringing up hurtfull things from your past.

Take your time with it and try to keep to facts . Consider what you would say to a daughter who was experiencing the same .

Do you feel responsible for her Dolly ?

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 14/04/2011 01:48

Dolly, this is a horrible relationship. There is a history of physical abuse, there is ongoing verbal abuse, you're both crying and screaming and hurling insults at one another.

You're not financially dependent on her, you're not seeing this as a permanent relationship (you're thinking about what would happen if you split up) and you haven't told your folks.

I think it's telling that you haven't said you love her, but that you 'feel protective of her'. None of this is healthy.

If you want to continue the relationship, you need to tell your parents but you ALSO need to get into relationship counselling and I would also consider asking her to undergo anger management, because this is seriously, appallingly dysfunctional. This is an abusive relationship, and it can't continue like this.

Diggs · 14/04/2011 01:48

I should refresh before i post !

Original poster

dollydoops · 14/04/2011 02:01

Hmmm thanks guys , definite food for thought here. I do feel that I am a lot to blame for how things have gone- maybe if I'd told my parents a long time ago then we would never have got into this cycle and everything would have been ok.

OP posts:

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 14/04/2011 02:05

Dolly, I cannot, literally, think of a thing that my husband could do/fail to do which would cause me to scream abuse at him, hit him, push him down stairs and hurl vile insults about his family at him.

You did not cause this. There is no behaviour on your part which justifies her treating you this way.

Please, consider calling Womens Aid, just to talk this through. It is incredibly common to blame oneself for abuse, in fact it's practically mandatory. But please ask yourself whether you would ever drag someone downstairs, hit them and tell them that you hate them because they weren't committed enough?

Mymymble · 14/04/2011 02:24

Dolly, even though the violence is on both sides and now is only verbal this is a realtionship that in its present form you surely don't want to go on for the rest of your life? Get out now. Maybe one day in the mid future you can be together again. Now it's bad. It doesn't matter if it got that way partially because you didn't tell your parents. Sorry but I think it's too late for that and you don't want the added trauma. I'm sure there is stuff your partner feels that if it she'd behaved differently it wouldn't have got to this. It has. End it and the end of abuse will mean either your whole relationship will change or you will heal apart from each other. Like Diggs & M&W I don't think telling your parents now will make a difference to you and your partner, it will just make you feel less guilty about ending a relationship which is SO not working and add lots of hastle to a breakup you feel ambiguous about but ending which is in your (probably both of your) best interests. If you feel able to get back together at some point in the future or fall for another woman then yes - you should tell your family in less than six years - but not now when you should be getting out.

Lollypolly · 14/04/2011 02:25

Playing devil's advocate, your partner sounds seriously insecure. She has suffered years of abuse, now with a partner who isn't gay, who doesn't see her future with her and who won't admit the relationship to her parents. The DV is wrong and never an excuse for anything but I can see why she is so insecure.

There are obviously a loads of sub-issues that keep coming up through arguments and rows but that need to be dealt with through counselling if you are to get anywhere. It's up to the two of you to decide how much this relationship is worth.

Mymymble · 14/04/2011 02:57

You are so right, Lolly, it must have been hard for Dolly's partner but they are are BOTH so unhappy. I would say run like the wind while you have doubts and can. Counselling is great but it can take months to even start. It's Dolly asking us for help, not her partner. Dolly, may I ask, do you see yourself as responsible for your partner's happiness and someone who can in part make up for her for all the horrible past? If so, I'm not sure you can and are you expecting her to comfort you for all the weight your mum's illness/catholicism put on you? Having been child of militant atheists, married to a jew, church of england myself in relationship with lapsed catholic with v. religious mum/sister, I know how you can take a girl/boy out of the RC church but can never take the RC church out of... etc. which probably isn't the case with you but certainly is with your mum. How does your partner feel about all that religious stuff? Does she understand? Or am I on a completely wrong track?

ScaredOfCows · 14/04/2011 09:00

From everything that you have said, I think that if you weren't arguing about telling your parents then you would be arguing about something else. You are just an argumentative couple - maybe not separately, but together you bring out that side of each other.

Can you imagine being in this relationship for the rest of your life? Do you want to live with her permanently, grow old together?

How old are you? You describe yourself as 'not gay', does that mean that in the future you would like a heterosexual partnership - is that where you see yourself in 10 or 20 years?

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