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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I really think me and dp need to split up

27 replies

FedUpOfLiving · 13/04/2011 23:28

We just don't like each other anymore, went out for lunch alone recently and I spent the entire time reading the menu, we didn't speak..... except for when he told me to shut up because I spoke too loud Hmm

He made an absolute twat of me recently outside our house when we were going out, the cat had ran out and as it was pretty stormy I wanted to get it inside... only to have don't be so fucking stupid, you're making a fool of yourself screamed at me in front of the neighbours.

We don't sleep in the same bed (he sleeps on the floor)

He went out recently and as he can't handle his drink I put the chain on the door so I could see what state he was in, he 'pretended' to be ok, so I let him in resulting in around four hours of verbal abuse and him trying to drag me out of dds bedroom (where i'd gone to get away from him)

I have put up with all of this for years, the belittling, the humiliation. He has dragged me down so much and made me so low. I then get shouted at for staring into space, I get shouted at for chewing my hair which I try to hide behind so he can't see me and how disgusting i've become. The house is a mess.... I get shouted at for that which makes me feel worse.

Tonight however he has gone too far. I had put on a pair of his shorts earlier as I chucked mine in the wash so was going to have a shower, he put them on after his bath and came stomping down the stairs screaming 'these fucking stink, why do they fucking stink'

I told them they stink because I stink, it's probably true. I probably do stink.

I want out, I can't take anymore i'm fed up of having no confidence and walking with my eyes fixed to the floor and of not wanting to go outside. I hate it, I hate me. There is no affection there. I don't love him, we make each other miserable

What the fuck do I do though ?? How do I get out of this ?

OP posts:
horriblemotheragain · 13/04/2011 23:30

Do you rent, or own your home? In joint names? Will he leave, if you ask him to? Or is there somewhere you can go to get away? friends or family you can stay with?

I'm sorry you feel this way - it sounds like he is running you down. What do you get out of this relationship?

Cloudydays · 13/04/2011 23:34

Hi there - I'm sorry you're having such an awful time. I'm sorry that I don't have any advice on your situation (except to say that it sounds like you already know what you need to do, just not how to do it), but I would suggest that you re-post in the Relationships section.

Not because you shouldn't post anywhere you like, but because there are people who frequent that board who give really great, practical advice that could help you. Also, you might meet others who have been where you are now and can give you hope for your future.

Wishing you the very, very best of luck and strength and future happiness. x

HerHissyness · 13/04/2011 23:34

Jesus christ, you do need to do something! You can't live like that.

That speaking too loud thing, I used to get that. It was a way for X to tell me to stop talking without telling me to actually stop. He used to THEN shout at me for talking too loudly. It was a manipulating and controlling technique he had.

Everything you write here is horrific, you know this is not what a normal relationship needs to be like. why is he sleeping on the floor?

Look at the practicalities of him leaving, you leaving, and make a plan.

Original poster
FedUpOfLiving · 13/04/2011 23:35

Own our home. He is a good dad, we don't do things together as a family, we take the children out seperately. I think he's ashamed of me tbh, which is fair enough

OP posts:
AuraofDora · 13/04/2011 23:36

look at the practical things you can do
discuss arrangements
separate

wake up it sounds like you both are in a rut, get help to get out of there

and stop sucking your hair, it's horror habit purlease!

AuraofDora · 13/04/2011 23:38

why dont you look after yourself, can i ask? you must start by looking after your body, hair - clean up, get some fresh air, and make a plan yes

Original poster
FedUpOfLiving · 13/04/2011 23:39

90% of the time i'm not even sucking my fucking hair, when I get stressed or upset though the hair goes straight in the mouth. I've done it since I was small

OP posts:
EggyFucker · 13/04/2011 23:41

Love, a man who treats his wife as less than human is not a good dad

Original poster
FedUpOfLiving · 13/04/2011 23:41

I shower every day and before bed too if it's hot.

I find i'm leaving the house less and less, I will go weeks at a time during term time without putting a foot over the door.

Which is a bit shite

OP posts:
YouaretooniceNOT · 13/04/2011 23:41

Copy and paste in relationships too OP. You'll have the best of both worlds.

Have you posted before under another name? Are you the lady whose Husband assaulted in your Daughter's bedroom a few weeks ago?

it is domestic violence i imagine -0 the 4 hours of ranting, the constant put downs, you do not feel safe and secure.

Think about your daughter and the damage that exposure to this can cause not only now but in her adult life.

If you really want out.
Can you afford to visit a therapist in secret for a couple of hours? if so do that?

Do you have a good, trustworthy friend to go to? -m if so keep an emergency bag there of clothes, documents, spare cash.

Can you ring Women's Aid and ask them for advice?

Your name is fedupofliivng are you having suicidal thoughts?

I'm really sorry your marriage has come to this.

I would see a solicitor also.

EggyFucker · 13/04/2011 23:42

I agree, you need to split ASAP

Find a way to do it, before you disappear even further

Your mental and physical health will be suffering badly while you stay

EggyFucker · 13/04/2011 23:44

0808 2000 247

Women's Aid

Ring then and speak to somebody about how you are living

EggyFucker · 13/04/2011 23:45

08457 90 90 90

The Samaritans, please ring them if you are feeling desperate

cumfy · 13/04/2011 23:45

Stay with family or friends if possible.

How many children do you have ?

chipmonkey · 13/04/2011 23:46

no, no, no he is not a good Dad! A good Dad will not abuse the mother of his children.
See a solicitor ASAP.

Original poster
FedUpOfLiving · 13/04/2011 23:47

No, I haven't posted about this before until tonight. Something snapped, I was in the kitchen cramming one of the kids easter eggs in my mouth with tears dripping off my nose and something has gone.

I want out, this cannot be my future. This will NOT be my childrens future.

I need to drag my arse up and DO something

OP posts:
tulpe · 13/04/2011 23:48

FedupofLiving - if you want to talk to a real person, rather than just online, you can call the Samaritans to talk even if you aren't actively suicidal.

I hope you find the strength you need to move on soon.

Onetoomanycornettos · 13/04/2011 23:48

Definitely cut and paste this in Relationships, you will get some really sound advice over there (as well as here) from people who have been where you are now and have found their way through. Good luck, I agree you deserve a much better future than this.

Original poster
FedUpOfLiving · 13/04/2011 23:49

No family, everyones dead or distant. No friends really, I have 1001 people to go for a coffee with if I choose to but nobody who could ask for help off

OP posts:
Original poster
FedUpOfLiving · 13/04/2011 23:49

I will ask tech to move it

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 13/04/2011 23:54

FedUp, please get help?

The not going out? been there, done that. OK I was living in bonkersville, with psychoman. It's more than a bit shite, and you know it. What is stopping you from going out? Fear? of what? Please make an appointment with the Dr if you can, please get help. Please call WA.

Today is the day it all changes, today is the day you take your life back. I promise, soon you will be free and you'll stop chewing your hair.

Honey, listen to your body, listen to what it's trying to tell you, you need to get out, please don't give up. Please ask EVERYONE you know to help, you only need ONE person to help you and I promise if anyone knew your truth, they'd help you leave.

Original poster
FedUpOfLiving · 14/04/2011 00:18

I've asked tech to remove the thread. Dunno how long it'll take

OP posts:
YouaretooniceNOT · 14/04/2011 00:22

are you still about fedupofliving?

talk to us

is he there?

how long do you want to take about leaving?

do you feel serious about going?

do you feel you can leave him?

do you feel confused and are you crying?

Anniegetyourgun · 14/04/2011 11:56

Listen, you're not fed up of living because what you're doing at the moment is not living. There's a whole really nice world out there which doesn't have your personal dictator in it, where you can live again. Where you can not only dare to, but enjoy, walking down the street. He is a hideous, hideous man but he is only one person and he has no right at all to make another person feel so shit.

Now you've seen the light it's only a question of time before you will be able to get out, never fear. It might take some time and of course you will worry, sometimes about things that turn out not to matter in fact. You and your DD will live a peaceful and pleasant life without a drunken arsehole dragging you about the house and screaming (don't tell me she won't have noticed any of this, she will as long as she has eyes or ears). For now, the important messages are:

You do not have to love him
You do not have to forgive him
You do not deserve to be treated badly
You can and you will be happy again

The practical stuff will follow. I've heard Women's Aid are very good and the CAB can also give useful advice - oh, and the witches on Mumsnet can be pretty helpful too!

Wamster · 14/04/2011 12:00

I can only agree that you need to separate. How and when is easier said than done, but, if you can, try to get your practical side into motion. Plenty of people who will help if you let them.